THE GIFT
A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and, as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves
and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good. I wish
I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss
them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
P.S.: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing'
ANGELS ATOP CHRISTMAS TREES
Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right! Mrs.
Claus had burned all the cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting
paid for the overtime they had coming while making the toys, the reindeer had
been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk! To make matters worse, they had
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crushed it into a
tree!
Santa was furious, 'I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours! All of my reindeer are drunk,
the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that
stupid angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!
What am I going to do?
Just then the angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night,
dragging a Christmas tree, and said, 'Yo, fat man!
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?'
And thus, the tradition of angels atop Christmas trees came to pass.
SO MANY BARBIE DOLLS
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's just days before Christmas and he hasn't bought his daughter's gift yet. He drives to the nearest mall, runs in to Toys-R-Us, and says to the sales lady, 'How much is that Barbie in the window?'. In a condescending manner, she says, 'Which Barbie?', she continues, 'We have a 'Barbie-Goes-To-The-Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie-Goes-To-The-Prom' for $19.95, 'Barbie-Goes-To-The-Beach' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.00'. Ralph asks, 'Why is the 'Divorced Barbie' $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?'. 'That's obvious', the sales lady says, 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture'.
SEEING SANTA
A little girl goes to see Santa. He asks her what she wants for Christmas. She says, 'I want a Barbie and a GI Joe'. Santa says, 'Barbie and GI Joe? Barbie usually comes with Ken'. The little girl says, 'No, she comes with GI Joe, with Ken she just fakes it'.
LITTLE JOHNNY'S TRAIN SET
Little Johnny's mother just bought him a train set for Christmas. She was cooking in the kitchen one day and heard Johnny playing with it in the livingroom. All of a sudden he said, 'OK... any of you sons of bitches wanna get off the train, get off now! Any of you sons of bitches wanna get on the train, get on now!' Johnny's mom was furious. She ran into the livingroom and yelled, 'Go to your room! You are not going to play with your train for two hours... and don't come down until you are ready to behave!' Johnny went up to his room. 2 hours later, he came back downstairs and asked his mom, who was busy cooking, 'Mom, is it OK if I play with my train again?'. Johnny's mom said it was OK, so he went off in to the livingroom again. All of a sudden, little Johnny yelled out, 'OK... all of you nice people wanting to get off the train, get off now! Any of you nice people wanting to get on the train, get on now! Any of you sons of bitches wanna complain about the train being two hours late... go see the bitch in the kitchen!'
THE 'TICKLE-ME-ELMO' FACTORY
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the 'Tickle -Me-Elmo' dolls, as they needed extra help for the Christmas season. It was a Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed in boxes. Monday they started up the line and within 20 minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing 2 walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, 'Lady, I said to give each doll 2 test-tickles'.
