CLINTON QUICKIES

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its' line to honor Bill Clinton. The Draft Dodge will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, 'I don't know. I never had one'.

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied, 'I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade!'

Gennifer Flowers reassures us that the White House budget is fine. In her experience, the President already has a very small staff.

The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton 'Walking Eagle' because he is so full of shit that he can't fly.

Did you hear it took three Secret Service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?

Hillary and Donna Shalala are such feminists that they insisted on the removal of balls from the White House pool table!

Reporter: Mr. President, why the panties around your arm? Clinton: This is my 'Withdraw Patch'

THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

It's the last class of the last day of the school year. All the kids are restless because there's nothing to do and it's near the end of the day. Seeing her class is eager for summer vacation, the teacher says, 'Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early'. Little Johnny thinks to himself, 'Good! I want to get outta here! I'm smart and will answer any question' The the teacher asked, 'Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago'?' Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, 'Abraham Lincoln'. The teacher said, 'That's right Susie. You can go'. Johnny was MAD. Susie had answered first. Then the teacher asked, 'Who said, 'I have a dream'?' Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, 'Martin Luther King'. The teacher said, 'That's right Mary. You can go'. Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher then asked, 'Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?' Before the teacher finished, Nancy said, 'John F. Kennedy'. Now Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy had also gotten to leave early. When the teacher turned her back, Johnny said, 'I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!' The teacher turned around and said, 'WHO SAID THAT?!' Johnny answered, 'BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?'

PENIS INTERPRETATIONS

The wives of four presidents/prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says, 'In England, people call it a 'Gentleman' because it stands up when women are entering'. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says, 'In Russia, you call it a 'Patriot' because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the backside'. The wife of Chirac says, 'In France, you call it a 'Curtain' because it goes down after the act'. Then Hillary Clinton says, 'In the USA, you call it a 'Rumor' because it goes from mouth to mouth!'

BILL'S BATHROOM

Bill & Hillary had Al & Tipper Gore and some friends over for dinner and drinks at the White House. In the middle of the after-dinner drinks, Al excused himself to use the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back and resumed getting sloshed. The Clinton's friends, along with Al and Tipper finally left. On the way home, a tipsy Al turned to Tipper and said, 'Did you know that Bill has got a solid gold urinal in his bathroom? How can we tell the American people we're serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?' Tipper said, 'There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when we get home and find out'. The Gores arrive at their home. Tipper calls Hillary and says, 'Is it true that Bill has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?' Hillary then puts her hand over the receiver and shouts, 'Bill! I found out who peed in your saxophone!!'

Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up, 'Bill... Bill... Wake up!' Bill continues to snore. Hillary continues, 'Bill... Bill... Wake up!' Bill finally wakes up and says, 'What do you want?'. Hillary responds, 'I have to use the bathroom', to which Bill says, 'Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom...' Hillary says, 'No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot'

YELLOW SNOW!

There was a heavy snowfall in Washington D.C., and as Bill Clinton looked out his window, he saw 'IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT' written in urine on the White House lawn. He was furious that security had been breached and assumed it had to be an inside job. So he summoned the head of the FBI immediately and demanded they find out who did this by nightfall. Later on that day, FBI agents came to the Oval Office to report their findings. 'Who did it?', asked Clinton. 'Well, Mr.President, we have some bad news', said the head agent, 'results of the urinalysis prove without a doubt that it belonged to Al Gore... but our penmanship experts say the handwriting is Hillary's!'

CHELSEA'S DATING DILEMMA

One Sunday morning, Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, 'Mom! Dad! I have some great news for you! I'm getting married to the biggest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt!' After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside and said, 'Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half brother and I'm afraid you can't marry him'. Chelsea was heart-broken. After 8 months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announed, 'Robert asked me to marry him! We've set a date in June!' Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, 'Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.' Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. 'Dad has done so much harm! I guess I'm never going to get married!', she complained, 'everytime I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother!' Hillary just shook her head and said, 'Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. HE'S NOT REALLY YOUR FATHER'.

THE 'FRIENDLY' SKIES

Jerry Falwell was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the Minister if he would also like a drink, to which he replied, 'Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore then let liquor touch these lips'. The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'I'm sorry. I didn't know there was a choice.

As Air Force One prepares to land, the Captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: 'Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position in preparation for landing?'

PRESIDENTIAL COMPARISON

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The cold sore

Complaints toward the President
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet-burns

Their Vice-Presidents
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek

Presidential qualities
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Things the President couldn't explain
Nixon: The missing 18 minutes on tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Presidential nicknames
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy

Presidential excuses
Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook

Misc.
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan, 'Nixon's the one.'
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying, 'He's the one!'

Nixon: Well-acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well-acquainted with G-spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her!

QUICKIE CLINTON JOKES

Q. What does J.C. Penney and Bill Clinton have in common?
A. They both have women's clothes half off.

Q. What's the game they're playing at the White House?
A. Swallow the leader.

Q. What does Monica Lewinski have on her resume?
A. Sat on Presidential Staff.

Q. What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A. Fornigate. NOTE: Zippergate seems to be winning out of Forna-gate.

Q. What position did Monica Lewinski have at the White House?
A. Missionary

Q. Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinski?
A. He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q. What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A. When Hillary's out of town.

Q. What does B.I.T.C.H. stand for?
A. Bill's In Trouble Call Hillary.

Q. Why is dust piling up in the White House?
A. Because Kenneth Starr took away Clinton's best Hoover.

Q. Why was Bill so fond of Monica Lewinski?
A. She had the nicest teeth he ever came across.

Q. What do Monica Lewinski and Bob Dole ever have in common?
A. They were both upset when Clinton finished first.

Q. Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A. He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
A. When you have to wipe the 'white water' off your blouse.

Q. What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A. A dead girlfriend.

Q. What was Arafat's advice to Clinton?
A. 'Goats don't talk!'

Q. What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing Clinton's State of the Union speech?
A. 'You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.'

Q. What do Monica Lewinski and O.J. Simpson have in common?
A. Both scored a lot in high school, Both can't explain the stains on their knees, Both have sore knees.

Q. What does Chelsea Clinton think of her father?
A. She's mad because he's getting more dates than her!

Q. What do Clinton's underwear and Socks have in common?
A. They both keep his ankles warm.

Q. What's the difference between the Titanic and Clinton?
A. Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell you've had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. What's the difference between the Nixon and the Clinton scandals?
A. Nixon was fucked by what he taped, while Clinton was taped by what he fucked.

Q. What do Monica Lewinski and a coke machine have in common?
A. They both have a slot that says, 'INSERT BILL HERE, FACE UP.'

Q. What do O.J. Simpson and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. They are two busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton go to the Midwest after the tornado disaster?
A. To get a good look at a BIG blow-job.

Q. What is Clinton's favorite brand of toothbrush?
A. Oral-B

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side.

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side.

Q. What started the Lewinski affair with President Clinton?
A. Monica asked Bill in earnest, 'What's a 3 1/2 inch floppy?'

QUICKIE CLINTON NEWS FLASHES:

100 women surveyed were asked 'Would you sleep with the President?' 81 replied, 'Never again.'

Arkansas is very proud of Clinton - all these women coming forward and none of them are his sister!

Most people get AIDS from sex, but President Clinton gets sex from aides.

I don't understand all the fuss about Clinton. He's just giving the people what they want: Sex and Gore.

The President must learn that the word HARASS is one word.

Clinton is declaring a new National bird: The Spread Eagle.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. 'What is it?,' exclaims the President. 'It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?,' the aide replies. 'Just go ahead and pay it,' responds the President.

This week's celebrity recipe: CLINTON STEW. One wiener, one tongue, one crooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.

WHITE HOUSE INTERN APPLICATION:

Greetings, prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's capital to help the 'head man' do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most 'exciting' one yet! Why, you might already be asking yourself, do I want to be part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
- Be a part of the 'action' in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the 'hottest' city in the world!
- Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
- See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
- Get total access to plenty of 'sensitive' presidential activities!

Testimony from a former intern:
'I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the President! Getting involved in executive branch 'affairs' is just fantastic.' - M. Lewinski

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates, and 'touchy' national issues. Still interested? Simply fill out the Information Form and send it back to the White House.

Name: ______________________
Hometown: __________________
Sex: YES_____ NO________
Age: _____
Measurements: (required for medical purposes): ___________________
How many drinks it takes to get you
___ Giggly
___ Drunk
___ Hot
___ To lie to a Federal Prosecutor

(QUICK QUIZ)
You've always considered the White House:
A) A monument to democracy
B) A place where great leaders meet
C) Vaguely erotic
D) Extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is:
A) A model wife and mother
B) An icon of late 20th century femininity
C) An obstacle
D) An inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
A) Israeli policies
B) Childhood in Hope, Arkansas
C) Romper Room
D) 'Monument' to democracy

My social life as an intern would probably consist of:
A) Hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
B) Reading and studying
C) Late nights working at the White House
D) Late nights working the White House

(SCORE)
1 point for every A answer
2 points for every B answer
3 points for every C answer
4 points for every D answer
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon,
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow!
UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU! Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

MONICA'S PRESS STATEMENT

AP-Monica Lewinski, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
'I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach it anymore. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinski isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I've always been known to perform to completion. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow-by-blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.' - Monica Lewinski

SUMMARY OF THE REPORTING OF THE ZIPPERGATE SCANDAL

In the aftermath of the initial administration responses to the breaking story, it seems apparent that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinski's mouth. A growing majority are finding the President's story hard to swallow, noting that it appears quite evident that Monica was influenced by some sort of Presidential 'gag order.' The first lady, recognized steward of the President's power base, is reported to be afraid that Lewinski has blown everything. Vernon Jordan is reported to have suggested that Ms. Lewinski approach the President with a stiff upper lip for the time being, and is quite upset at how much damage her wagging tongue seems to have done. Meanwhile, the White House staff is engaged in a furious search for Richard Nixon's tape-erasing machine, last seen on loan to the offices of the Rose Law firm in Little Rock. In an effort of goodwill, however, the administration has extended an invitation to Ms. Lewinski for an exclusive guided tour of the capital city's national parks one night last week. Ms. Lewinski's attorney has chided the mainstream media for taking out of context a comment by her close friends that she once said she wanted to head the Oval Office some day. Defending his client as a victim, he said that '... this oral sex thing really has her choked up, you know.' Mr. Starr, the independent prosecutor investigating the case, remains unmoved and has made it clear that to avoid criminal liability herself, Ms. Lewinski will be required to give a complete blow by blow description of her relationship with Mr. Clinton. Chelsea Clinton, when asked for her opinion of the woman who stands to dethrone her father, simply replied, 'SHE SUCKS.'

THE LAND OF OZ

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are at a charity event in Kansas when a tornado comes and sweeps them away. The next thing they know, they're on the yellow brick road in Oz.
Dan Quayle says, 'This is great, I'm going to ask the wizard for a brain!'
Newt Gingrich says, 'I'm going to ask the wizard for a heart!'
Then Bill Clinton says, 'Where's Dorothy?'

BILL CLINTON VERSION OF THE SONG, 'MY FAVORITE THINGS

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willy spring
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Jennifer Flowers
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours
Profits from futures that Hillary brings
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Marketing with Boris and Helmut and Tony
States of the Unions with lots of baloney
Winning debates and the joy of my flings
These are a few of my favorite things

A SLOW DAY IN HEAVEN

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, 'I'm not very busy today, so why don't you let me show you around?' The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, the cafeteria, the library, the tennis courts, cafeteria, etc ... Finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, 'What's up with these clocks?' St. Peter explains, 'Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When their clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged.' The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why. St. Peter explains, 'Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.' This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So, he asks, 'What's the story with that clock?.' 'Oh, that,' St. Peter replies, 'That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan!'

HOW TO TELL DEMOCRATS FROM REPUBLICANS

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group

Democrats give their worn-out clothes to the less fortunate
Republicans wear theirs

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

Democrats make plans and then do something else
Republicans follow the plans their grandparents made

Republicans sleep in twin beds... some even in separate rooms
That's why there are more Democrats

RESULTS OF A CONTEST HELD AT THE BLACK ROSE PUB IN BOSTON'S FANUEIL HALL

The Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick. Judged as the top 4 Entries:

Entry #1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.

Entry #4

There was a young girt called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."

(Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer)

Previous