BEDROOM GOLF RULES OF PLAY

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally this is one club and two balls.
Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary, when the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take their time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
Players should not assume their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
Players are strongly advised to get the owner's permission before attempting to play the backside.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.
It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

3 FRIENDS PLAY GOLF

Seems that there were 3 friends who always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of their wives. One day, after many years, they finally got together on the golf course and are waiting at the first tee when the first guy says, 'I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!'
The second guy says, 'That's nothing, I had to buy my wife a new sports car to get out here today!'
The third guy says, 'Boy, you guys are sure whipped. I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!'
They both look at him and ask, 'How did you manage that?'
He says, 'It was easy. When I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she threw me a sweater and said, 'Take this, it's cold out there!'

THE CONFESSION

A man walks into a confessional and says, 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
The priest replies, 'What is it that brings you here?'
'Well, Father, I used the F-word over the weekend.'
'Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you.'
The man replies, 'But I really need to talk about it.'
'Let's have it then.' the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.
'You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.'
'And that's when you cursed aloud?' the Father queried?
'No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green ... when all of a sudden a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.'
'That must have been when you cursed?'
'No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with it's talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup!'
'And that's when you cursed aloud?' the priest said assuredly.
'No, no ...'
The Father interjected, 'Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt?!!'

MOTHER NATURE

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing that it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So he told the associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a Golf course about forty miles away ... this way he knew he wouldn't meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up his first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. About this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, 'you're not going to let him Get away with this, are you?' The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not ...' Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole! IT WAS A 420 HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let him do that?!' The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to tell?'

Two guys are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a patch of buttercups. He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy. "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!! DON'T HIT THE BALL"

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