COURTROOM HUMOR
Here are some of the insightful courtroom questions lawyers have asked witnesses and some of the equally insightful answers, as reported in the Massachusetts Bar Associafions Lawyers' Journal.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
5, "Was it you or your younger brother killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
14. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
15. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
16. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
17. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No.
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
A: "It ispossible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
LAWYERS DESERVE NO RESPECT
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$100 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes, said the lawyer, "and what is your third question?"
Upon writing a will for an elderly lady, her lawyer said, "That'll be $1OO." She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck under it was a second $100 bill. Immediately, the ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I report it on my taxes?"
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or continue reading the paper?
A bandit from Ciudad Juarez specialized in crossing the Rio Grande and robbing banks in El Paso. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger was determined to track him down. After a lengthy search, the Ranger traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty .45 to the bandit's temple, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you've been hiding the loot, or I'll blow your brains out." Unfortunately, the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Luckily, a bilingual lawyer was at the bar and offered his services. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, "It's buried under the oak tree behind the cantina!" "What'd he say?" demanded the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Go to hell, gringo! You don't have the guts to shoot me."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially
the same service.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why do you bury a lawyer 100 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they are really good people.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which
side to spit on.
Q: Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
