INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5 min@50%heat//.
Then enter: ms//start.cook-dindin/yummy\l/yum-yum:-)gohot#cookme>.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking. Also check to make sure the directory "/usr/local/nuke-it/bin" is in your path, and that the environment variable MCWV-PWR is set to 700 W. Then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner to your exact specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: .
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

BILL GATES VS. GENERAL MOTORS

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

HIGH-TECH GRAFFITI

A rumor circulating the net details how a couple of Intel engineers included a message on a recent version of the Pentium chip that describes their feelings about Bill Gates, president of Microsoft and a good corporate pal of Intel's.
The phrase "BILL SUX" supposedly had been etched onto the chip's surface and was visible only under a powerful scanning electron microscope. The chip reportedly had been used in the manufacture of tens of thousands of PCs before the "flaw" in the chip was discovered.
According to the rumor, both engineers responsible were former employees of Mo- torola, maker of the chips that are the heart of the Apple Macintosh, and have since been fired by Intel. Intel says there is no truth to the rumor.

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