JUST A SECOND

A man spoke to God and asked, "God, what is a million years like to you?" and God responded, "For me it is like one second." Then the man asked, "God what is a million dollars like to you?" God answered, "It is like just a penny to me, my son." so the man asked, "God, can I have a penny?" and god replied, "sure, just a second..."

DOCTRINE CLARIFIED

CAPITALISM - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
HARI KRISHNA - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
CATHOLICISM - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
ANGLICAN - They were our toys first.
GREEK ORTHODOX - No, they were OURS first.
BRANCH DAVIDIANS - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
ATHEISM - There is no toy maker.
POLYTHEISM - There are many toy makers.
EVOLUTIONISM - The toys made themselves.
CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST - We are the toys.
B'HAI - All toys are just fine with us.
MORMONISM - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
AMISH - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
TAOISM - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
VOODOO - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
HEDONISM - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
HINDUISM - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7TH DAY ADVENTIST - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
CHURCH OF CHRIST - He whose toys make music, loses.
BAPTIST - Once played, always played.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
PENTECOSTALISM - He whose toys can talk, wins.
EXISTENTIALISM - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
CONFUCIANISM - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
NON-DENOMINATIONALISM - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
AGNOSTICISM - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
"BIG BROTHER" GOVERNMENT - Citizens can't be trusted with any toys.

THE CANDLE

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?" "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father." Said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"

GOD CREATES MAN

It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life! Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life?! But the Lord was adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. 'But I don't need 20 years,' the monkey protested, '10 is plenty for me.' Man spoke up eagerly, 'Can I have the other 10?' The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion, like the monkey, wanted only 10. Again, man spoke up,'Can I have the other 10?' The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey, and he was given 20 years, but, like the others, 10 was sufficient. And again, man pleaded, 'Can I have the other 10?'
Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of 'lion' about it, and 10 years of making an ass of himself!

GOD CREATES WOMAN

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.' 'What's the problem, Adam?' God replies. 'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy. 'Why is that, Adam?', came the reply from the Heavens. 'Lord, I know you created this place for me, but I'm lonely.' 'Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.' 'What's a 'woman', Lord?' 'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will also be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the Heavens and Earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.' 'Sounds great!' exclaims Adam. 'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.' 'How much will this 'woman' cost me, Lord?' replies Adam. 'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.' Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?' The rest, as they say, is history!

A PRIEST AND HIS DONKEY

A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing a fortune in horse- racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it into a race. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey. The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he might as well go ahead and enter it into the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the local sports section of the paper carried the headline: 'PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS'
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following day. This time the donkey won! The next day the local paper read:
'PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The headline that day read:
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS'
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. Not surprisingly, the headlines reported:
'RACING PRIEST LOSES HIS ASS'
The bishop was horrified, but figured that was the end of the matter. Unfortunately, the priest disposed of the donkey by giving it to the nearby convent. So, the local paper was able to report:
'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the headlines stated:
'NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS'
They buried the bishop that afternoon, and on the day following the funeral, the headlines read:
'TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH'

3 NUNS AND SAINT PETER

Three nuns were enjoying a nature walk on a beautiful day, when they came to an old wooden bridge. Unfortunately, as the three nuns crossed the bridge, the brittle wood broke, and the nuns fell to their death.
Floating up to the Heavens, they became increasingly happy and excited as they got close to the Pearly Gates. When they finally had reached the top of the clouds, the three nuns were just about to open the gates to Heaven when St. Peter stopped them, 'Hold it! Just because you were nuns on Earth doesn't mean you can waltz right in here. I have to ask you each a question.'
The nuns all agreed that was fair. The first nun walked up to the gates and St. Peter asked, 'Who created the Earth?'
The first nun thought for a second how easy the question was and replied, 'Our Lord, God.' ... and the trumpets sounded and the choir sang and the gates opened The first nun then entered into Heaven. The second nun walked up to the gates and St. Peter asked, 'Who created man? The second nun thought about the question ('That's easy!') and replied, 'Our Lord, God.' ... and the trumpets sounded and the choir sang and the gates opened ... The second nun entered into heaven. Now the third nun walked up to the gates and St. Peter asked, 'What were Eve's first words to Adam?' Thinking about the question, she mumbled to herself, 'Gosh, that's a hard one ...' and the trumpets sounded and the choir sang and the gates opened ...

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