Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"WE WILL NOT SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER."

In a New York restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO CONSIDER OUR WAITRESSES UNCIVIL OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. SISTERS OF MERCY"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 YEARS ON THE SAME SPOT."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "GOOD CLEAN DANCING EVERY NIGHT BUT SUNDAY."

In a New York drugstore: "WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY."

In the offices of a loan company: "ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME."

In a New York medical building: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER"

On a New York convalescent home: "FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH."

On a Maine shop:
"OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP."

At a number of military bases: "RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"DON'T KILL YOUR WIFE. LET OUR WASHING MACHINE DO THE DIRTY WORK."

In a funeral parlor: "ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY PLAN."

In a clothing store: "WONDERFUL BARGAINS FOR MEN WITH 16 AND 17 NECKS."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 MEN'S WOOL SUITS, $10. THEY WON'T LAST AN HOUR!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "ARCHERY TOURNAMENT -- EARS PIERCED"

Outside a country shop: "WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES."

In a Maine restaurant: "OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

On a radiator repair garage: "BEST PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"WILL THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE PLEASE SEE THAT THE PERPETUAL LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

On a roller coaster: "WATCH YOUR HEAD."

On the grounds of a public school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

On a Tennessee highway: "WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

BUMPER STICKERS:

- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- All generalizations are false.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- Born free... Taxed to death.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
- Forget the Jones's, I keep up with the Simpson's.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
- No radio - Already stolen.
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the I.R.S.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

SAY IT WITH YOUR T-SHIRT: (Funny T-shirts)

I live with Fear every day, but sometimes She lets me go hunting
Keep Working - Millions on welfare depend on you!
C.P.A. - Certified Pain in the Ass
I'm so broke, I can't even pay Attention!
STRESS - The confusion created when the mind must override the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some idiot who deperately deserves it!
It's a Dog eat Dog World, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear
I may not be Mr. Right but I am Mr. Right Now
I'm old enough to know better, but still too young to care
Society is safer when criminals don't know who's Armed
I'm not opinionated, I'm just Always right
It takes balls to golf the way I do
I'm not a bitch, I'm The Bitch, and I'm Miss Bitch to you
Fight Crime - Shoot Back!
I Love Animals - They're Delicious
Cat & Wife Lost - Reward for Cat
Cat & Husband Lost - Reward for Cat
It must Suck to be You
Tell me again How Lucky I am to work here (I keep forgetting)
I'm in touch with my inner Bitch
How much can I get away with and still go to Heaven?
Love is Grand - Divorce is Ten Grand
Gun Control means always Hitting your target
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. (An uncanny coincidence?)
It's hard to Soar like an Eagle when you work with Turkeys
In the beginning God created Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdown, MENstrual Cramps, MENopause - Did you ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN?
There are only two seasons: Hunting season and Fishing season
Patience, My Ass, I'm gonna Kill Somebody
Surgeon General's Warning: Harassing me about my Smoking could be Hazardous to Your Healt!
I am Man - Hear me snore
The only time my wife stops talking is when her mother starts
Shut up and Golf!
Fat Rat: 'Like I give a Human's Ass!'
I'm not Your Type, I can count to 10
Speak slowly, I'm a Natural Blonde
I'm havin' a bad day -> You're havin' a bad day!
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

IN LONDON

While in a London bar's restroom, a man saw the following scrawled on a condom machine: THIS GUM SUCKS. Which is traditionally followed (in someone else's handwriting) by the response:
YEAH, BUT IT LASTS FOR AGES or BUT IT MAKES REALLY BIG BUBBLES
Actually, given that we could have gum flavored with mint, cinnamon, etc. it's an understandable mistake. Another traditional warning reads: MY DAD SAYS THESE THINGS DON'T WORK!
In Britain, most machines carry the reassurance that the product is 'Electronically tested to BS3704' (Yes, there is a British standard for condoms. Some people have too much free time). This traditionally earns the response: SO WAS THE HINDENBURG
Having exhausted the possibilities of colored, flavored, ribbed, scented and even striped condoms, manufacturers have been producing 'novelty' condoms. These have numerous bumps, faces or other shapes and are really cute. However, they must violate BS3704 in some way, since they carry the message: 'Not to be used as a contraceptive' - What on earth are you supposed to do with them, anyway? We can only assume children's parties have more interesting balloons than they used to!

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