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Ryan's Bar Jokes

These come from Mistress Haley. May her orgy loving soul be blessed.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with Fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

A Good Chemistry Experiment

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Here is how to say "beer, please" in various languages.... can certainly help on those European tours!

Arabic (Egyptian): Beera, men fadluk. (phonetic pronunciation)

Cantonese: Bay-jow, Mm-goy.

Croatian: Daj mi pivu. (pronounced "dai me pivu")

Czech: Pivo, prozim. (phonetic pronunciation)

Filipino: Isa ngang beer. (literally, "one beer") You can order the #1 brand of beer in the Philippines, San Miguel, by saying "San miguel nga."

Finnish: Olut, olkaa hyvä.

French: Une bière, s'il vous plait.

Gaelic (Irish): Ba mhaith beoir, le do thoil. (Other possible variations include asking not for beer (beoir), but more specifically for stout (leann), or simply "a pint" (pionta).)

Gaelic (Scots): Pinnt leann, ma 'se do thoil e.

German: Ein Bier, bitte.

Greek: Bira, parakalo. You can also order a specific popular brand of Greek beer by saying "A Mythos, please!"

Hebrew: Bira, bvakesha.

Italian: Una birra, per favore.

Japanese: Biru onegai-shimasu. (pronounced "beeru oh-nay-guy shi-mass)

Latin: Da quaeso cerevesia.

Russian: Piva pazhalusta.

Spanish: Cervesa, por favor.

(that came from methos.org.... I love methos!!!!)