Box 1    DISCLAIMER    Box 1


Not Mom Approved!

"Valor ain't the only thing of which discretion is the better part"
Philo's Dad




OK, here goes ...


Please hold your applause until the end. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB and NTSB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Contentsmayhavesettledduringshipment. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Available at participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner here. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. Keep small animals away from air bags in case of accidental activation. No passes accepted for this engagement. No firearms permitted beyond this point. Willie Nelson will not be appearing tonight. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Pull oxygen mask down from overhead compartment and place over mouth and nose. Not recommended for children. Side door locked after 9pm. Elvis has left the building. Remove all jewelry before operating machinery. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No lawyers. No smoking. No stone left unturned. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. No less, no more. No cancellations. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear and are likely much uglier. Alkaline batteries recommended. In case of doubt, refer to Stone Cold 3:16. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T although few people care. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Stomp, stay, and steer. Your mileage may vary. No animals were harmed in the production of this site. Breathe normally. Boil for 10 minutes before drinking. Sudden decompression may cause temporary disorientation. Remain calm and press button for attendant. This supersedes all previous notices.


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But wait ... there's more!


Authorized personnel only beyond this point. Please have proper documentation ready. No cholesterol. No 13th floor. Reality is no illusion. Stifle all sneezes. Use only approved parts. Unauthorized entry prohibited. Enter 4-digit security code now. No hunting. No fishing. No trespassing. No shirt, no shoes, no service. The position you assume determines the treatment you will receive. Drunkenness may ensue if cork is removed from bottle. Please pay in advance. Do not reach out and touch someone in here. Check Nitrous Oxide level before each use. Most situations are worse than they first appear. No operator. Elevator stops at all floors. Manager does not have combination to safe. Soft shoulder. No anesthesia available. All monetary denominations specified in U.S. currency. Not responsible for lost or damaged personal property. This space for rent - contact webmaster for details. Generous donations appreciated.

Do not press this button ...  BUTTON

No religion. No politics. Vote for democracy. Impeach Clinton (and her husband too). Remove insert prior to use. Truth is a constant, opinions are variables. Discard packing materials. Watch out for sudden stops. Listen to your mother. Remove all sharp objects from pockets. Handle with care. Dispose of waste properly. All judgment is irrational. Repeated blows may cause irreparable damage. No profanity. Limit two coupons per customer. No deposit. Offer expires soon. No refills. No returns. Pay immediately to avoid disconnection. Underage sale prohibited. For quality purposes calls may be monitored. All natural. No implants. Contains no preservatives. Just like mama used to make. Intentional re-use of 5-day pads prohibited. Maintain assured clear distance at all times. This vehicle makes wide turns. Check belts frequently. Change oil every 3,000 miles or every 90 days, whichever occurs first. Remove jewelry before operating. Do not remove protective guards. Wear eye and ear protection. Miracles occur naturally. Use both hands to steer. No alcoholic beverages permitted. Anti-static straps do not prevent unwanted pregnancy. Remain alert at all times. Consume brown bag or box lunch now. Parental supervision suggested but not required. Use only in well ventilated area. Spring forward, fall back. Factory sealed for your protection. Traditional values promoted. Use only according to directions printed on back. Keep hands away from moving parts. Redeem at participating vendors. Unfullfilled expectations are not a problem but a symptom. Fragile. Void if seal is broken. An oversight on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part. Satisfaction guaranteed. See other side to apply for refund. You may now applaud.


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FBI Warning


This disclaimer may not be copied, edited, or reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the person or site from which it was originally appropriated. This line may be monitored. Violators may be subject to persecution by the Federal Government and other Authorities worldwide. All state and local regulations still apply. All Audits are the responsibility of the IRS. All covert operations are conducted by the CIA or the NSA.


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