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"What I've learned." (My phavorites are in BOLD for emphasis)
I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON
This page last updated:
27 MAR 2000
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism ...
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"What I've learned." (My phavorites are in BOLD for emphasis)
I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON
This page last updated:
27 MAR 2000
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism ...
|
I've learned - that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust,
and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life
but how much you have in your bank accounts.
I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others
- they are more messed up than you think.
I've learned - that it's taking me a long time
to sleep with the person I want.
I've learned - you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
I've learned - that you can keep puking
long after you think you 're finished.
I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned - that either you control your attitude
or you will be offered medication.
I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion eventually fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned - that heroes are the people who do
whoever has to be done when they need to be done,
regardless of the morning after.
I've learned - that money is a great substitute for character.
I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry
and I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity.
I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow,
until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.
I've learned - that just because someone
doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them
when they're passed out and naked in your bed.
I've learned - that maturity is a magazine for old folks.
I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you.
Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer,
the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl
will more than be there for "you".
I've learned - that no matter how good a chick is,
she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.
I've learned - that no matter how badly
your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.
I've learned - that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible
for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.
I've learned- that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't have secret plans to move out.
I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends
because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager
to find out a secret. It could be Victoria's.
I've learned - that two people can screw the
exact same person and compare notes.
I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned - that overzealous customs agents
can change your life in a matter of hours.
I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.
I've learned - that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you to soon.
And all the less important ones just never go away.
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I've also learned the following: |
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place,but also to leave unsaid
the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer ...
but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing.
It is bad to suppress laughter;
it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older
is when she is expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces
of chocolate cake.
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But wait! ... there's more: |
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Success always occurs in private,
and failure in full view.
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Did I say I was done yet? |
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
If you always tell the truth
you never have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again
it was probably worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.
The main problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug.
Some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience.
A lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do
with the outcome of a rain dance..
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Borrow money from pessimists ...
they don't expect it back.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side
and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
I didn't say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie"
while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Don't sweat petty things ... or pet sweaty things.
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And a few more from Texas: |
Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd,
take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
(Or anything else for that matter!)
If you think you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
If you find yourself in a hole
the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
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