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JOKE #1 NOTHING UP HIS SLEEVE

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?"

OBITUARY PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from resulting from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one (a bun) in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

JOKE #2 PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

JOKE #3 PRESIDENTIAL SUICIDE

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

MORE PHUN !!! Legal Q & A Section

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer? A: God doesn't think He is a lawyer. Q: Why are all the toxic dumps in New Jersey and all the lawyers in California? A: New Jersey got the first pick. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer on the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: He stopped breathing. Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six feet? A: Because deep down, they are really good people. Q: What does a lawyer use for contraception? A: His personality. Q: When do you really need a lawyer? A: When your talking to a lawyer. Q: What did the homocidal maniac say to the lawyer? A: "How could you?" My phriend Leona (aka Reesha) said she just could not resist sending these to me - so here they are for your enjoyment! Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A: Skeet. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Q: What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: Removable wingtips.

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