Aight, as you all know, my sister the psychopath kidnapped JC and scared the shit out of the poor boy! So... far be it from me to let Justin remain all safe and sound. He's been such a bad boy lately anyhow with all these Britney Spears scandals popping up overnight. (Much like the *twins* did.) And so, after much deliberation...I set out to the small town of Kentwood, LA where I knew my boy toy would be visiting the town's resident slut.
I arrive in Kentwood around dusk in my black rapist van, which I stole BACK from Rachel. (Man that van really gets a lot of use these days...lol.) Once arriving, I change into my disguise. In black Fubu from head to toe, I prepare to move in on my victims. Spying from the edge of the Spear's lawn, I see a large trampoline. A male and a female figure are moving around vigorously (and they aren't jumping on the damn thing either..so take a wild guess as to what's goin down.) on it as I sneak closer. I am pretty much starting to get a little annoyed with the guy screeching out "Oh baby Britney!" while she squeals, "Hit me Baby one more time!". Stopping to compose myself before I vomit on her dog, I finally get close enough to be able to see who it is through my night vision goggles. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I realized that my man Justy was safe from the hoochie wrath of Brit...the trampoline boy was her brother. (Hey incest is best down there in the trailer park. Lol.)
Disappointed, as well as sick to my stomach, I wandered aimlessly back to my rapist van, where I called Rach to ask what I should do.
Rach: Yello?
Jen: Houston, we have a problem..
Rach: Roger that...what's your situation?
Jen: Justin's not here, and I'm struggling to hold down my beanie weenies after seeing Britney doing the horizontal slam dance with her brother.
Rach: Oh, that IS a problem. Doesn't she realize that incest, although common within the trailer park communities in the southern states, can cause severe birth defects in children concieved by the related partners?
Jen: Wtf?!? Is this Rachel or Dr. Drew??
Rach: ANYWAYS...you need to get your sorry ass to Orlando right away. I have the perfect idea...
Jen: What is it?
Rach: Don't you worry your pretty little head about it, I'll make some calls. Just meet Big Stevie outside of the O-rena two nights from now...and don't forget your pink leather.
Jen: Aight, I'm on my way.
I hung up the phone and decided to take a quick nap before leaving for O-town. Since the rapist van is fully equipped, I just laid back on the blowup air mattress that I had lying around. I was JUST drifting off to sleep when Baby One More Time came on the radio...which in turn reminded me of the scene I witnessed earlier, which gave me vivid flashbacks, which made me want to vomit. So, I decided the only way to remedy the situation was to down some Mudslide until I passed out cold.
Anyhow, the trip to O-town was pretty much a blur. I drove like a bat out of hell so that I wouldn't be late...number one because I didn't want to miss my chance to capture Justin, and number two because anyone with the name Big Stevie HAS to be some scary looking yellow rat bastard. Lol.
***
I arrive at the O-rena late in the afternoon, and spot a large man waiting in the alleyway. He explains to me what we are going to do in order to capture Justin...and I agree wholeheartedly with his suggestions. So, after talking to Big Stevie, I wander to the nearest McDonald's restroom to change into my hot pink pleather jumpsuit. Then after I get done dolling myself up like Britney on crack...I decide I am getting kinda hungry. I don't like McDonald's food, so I find a grocery store nearby. I buy some beanie weenies and spam and light up a good cookin fire in the trash can behind the venue. Mmmm tasty stuff kids, ya gotta love the wonder that is Spam.
Finally it's concert time...and with Stevie's help I am waiting patiently for Sailing to begin. Then, the moment arrives...and the boys are sailing out above the audience in their harnesses. I look over at Stevie in the control booth, and he gives me a thumbs up along with his chipped tooth grin as I prepare for my own little sailing adventure. Screeching a Tarzan like yell, I swing off the balcony rail toward Justin. His face turns to horror as I come sailing toward him like an out of control swing. I start laughing uncontrollably as he moves his legs in an attempt to run through the air away from me as I...swing right past him! "Damn!" I mutter as I start swinging backwards through the air toward him again. This time though, I reached out and grabbed his harness. Besides my right arm getting severly dislocated from the shoulder socket, I succeeded in giving him a large wedgie before he bit my hand (dumb bastard!) and I swung back to the rail, disappointed and more determined than ever to succeed in kidnapping my man. (He's a slippery lil sucker!)
***
After going to the hospital to make sure I didn't permanantly damage any tissue in my arm, and to have a rabies shot (hey, ya'll see what he sleeps with..Joey...Britney...etc. I don't think he's exactly disease free!), I returned to my rapist van to pout. As I sat and gently applied massive amounts of aloe vera to my severe heat rash from my pleather jumpsuit, I thought about how annoying it was that I had failed so miserably in trying to capture my man. Finally, I decided that pouting about it was robbing me of valuable sleep time, so I decided to call it a night.
During the middle of the night I got the shit scared out of me as I woke up in my rapist van unsure of where I was. Then I sighed with relief, remembering that I was only in the ghetto of Orlando. Lol. No biggie...until I heard someone picking the lock on the driver's side. I was confused for a minute because I didn't think that the rapist van even HAD a lock on the driver's side door, but oh well...someone was trying to get in. So, I crawl out of my cozy little sleeping bag and hop into the driver's seat to see who's tryin to pilfer my vehicle. Gettin my nun-chucks (or whatever they're called) made of N Sync glowsticks ready, I look out the window to see who's messin with my ride, and see none other than my sister Rachel decked out in black Fubu.
Jen: What in the name of timbz do you think you are doing young lady? Bustin into my fly ride AGAIN...and trying to scare the crap out of me eh?
Rachel: Do you want my help in kidnapping Justin in order to get what you want from him or NOT?! Cuz you obviously are having a few MINOR problems. Sheesh...capturing my Hamster Teeth wasn't a situation, why do you have to make catching JuJu into one?
Jen: Let's see Rachel, maybe your drug lord was easy to catch because you lured the rest of the guys out with some cheap strippers, and then attacked him from behind while he was trying to find a vein he hadn't used yet!! His concentration was a little impaired at the time don't you think??
Rachel: True, true, you may have a point there. But never the less, besides capturing him, I also made off with Busta, who I am selling on ebay as we speak. Not to mention Justin's Mr. T necklace, which brought in a large profit at the local pawn shop.
Jen: Can you SELL dogs on ebay?
Rachel: You can now! Anyhow, we need to get moving. Big Stevie called me and told me that you messed up my last idea royally, so I've got a new plan, and he gave me the inside info on their hotel in Atlanta. This time...PLEASE don't blow it ok?
Jen: Blow what? *evil grin* Just kiddin...let's go!
***
Arriving in Atlanta, we get all settled in at N Sync's hotel. I personally wanted to hide out in the bushes in my army tent...it's camoflauge you know...and prepare for a sneak attack, but Rachel disagreed. She pointed out that since Justin is so much harder to capture than Hamster Teeth, that we would have to do this from the INSIDE. I was a little upset. Yes, I admit, I pouted...a lot. I wanted to bust out the army gear!! Finally she convinced me that her way was the best way, since my attack on Britney didn't go so well...cuz, ya know, Justin wasn't there and now I have outrageously nightmaric flashbacks of that horribly tragic incest incident that I witnessed.
So, there we were, wandering the hotel like the well behaved women that we are...ya know, jumping up in the elevator RIGHT before it stops (hey it feels realllll cool), stealing plants from the lobby to decorate our room, and making obscene faces on the glass front doors. Then, we were making one last 'round' of the hotel when the elevator opened to reveal none other than...Miss Britney Spears herself. I screamed loudly, almost scaring the silicon right out of her! (poor girl! jk) Also, good thing Rachel caught me, cuz I jumped into her arms, bawling hysterically about how the scary girl likes her brother...a LOT. (Yes, for your information, I DO now have psychological problems because of that scene I witnessed. Horrible what Britney does to a person isn't it?) Suddenly, Rachel's face lit up and she dropped me on the ground, inviting Britney into the elevator..explaining, "She thought she saw a spider! She's terrified of them." *smiling apologetically.
Britney nodded sympathetically as she stepped into the elevator. "That's so sweet!" she said, her fake voice sugary as she looked over at me with her crossed eyes. Thinking 'WTF' and still sitting on the floor, I smiled a large cheesy grin at Britney, hoping she wouldn't notice the fact that I really really wanted to beat her with my purse, steal her fake hair, and then torture her with a lifetime of dating Howie. So I just stand up and brush off my hot pink capri pants (hey I wanted to catch Justy's eye in pink ok?), then I glare at Rachel...who shot me one of those 'Screw this up and I'll kill you' kind of looks. Realizing whatever Rach had in mind had to do with Britney, I turned on the charm and introduced myself. Brit, being the stupid idiotic trailer park trash that she is, thought I was 'sweet', and complimented me on my pink pants.
To make a long story short, Brit took the bait when I told her I was going to the N Sync show that she was ALSO going to (What a coinky-dink...*gag*), but desperately needed an outfit. She not only offered to let me borrow some of her clothes, she ALSO gave me her extra ticket (which was VIP by the way) so I could get into the afterparty and backstage. Bingo.
***
So, after getting decked out in our pink, and looking like a pepto bismol/glitter explosion...Britney and I (two newfound friends...barf.) headed out to the concert. Let me tell you I looked absolutely diva-like in my large pink feathered Mad Hatter-esque hat (turns out it was the one that Pamela Lee wore on VMA's. Brit stole it from her after they had a knock down drag out fight over who's bleach job was better, and who had the most realistic fake tan. Turns out Brit gave her the ole WWF flying elbow and poked her eyes out with the "twins". Damn that would hurt. Lol.), sequined pink capri pants, and white vinyl tube top. Besides all that, I was wearing my hot pink glitter clogs (Damn those things are hard to walk in), and had bathed in a large tub of body glitter...so I was pretty damn sparkly. Lol...we looked like two Barbies on our way to the disco. Britney was even nice enough to loan me some of her fake tanner and a couple hair extentions. How sweet *gag*.
***
Well, let's see...the concert went smoothly, I caught Justin's eye a few times, which made me happy until I was telling Rachel about it over my walkie talkie Barbie wrist watch. She had the audacity to point out that from HER point of view (which was a few rows back from me), that when Justin pointed to me, squinted, and then began stumbling around like a drunken sailor...that didn't mean that he wanted ME to meet him in the sunny place so we can get drunk together. She said it meant, "Hey JC, that's the goddamn girl that's blinding me with all that glitter! Agh! I can't dance! Or see!" Whatever.
So, after the show, we head to the afterparty. Rachel called me on my cell as I hopped in my rented hot pink limosine, and I listened intently to the plan, knowing that this was my last chance to capture my Justy. I get to the afterparty, and because of Britney's massive stupidity, I get into the VIP room. After observing Justin getting his freak on with numerous girls, I was fed up. I radioed Rachel on my walkie talkie watch informing her that the 'bird had left the nest'...or was it the 'boob has landed on his chest'? I can't remember. Anyways...soon after I called in to Rachel, I heard commotion out on the floor and saw a masked rat bastard running out the door. That was my signal to haul ass to the rapist van.
More of the Mission....Click HERE!