So yeah, since I'm in a hurry (you would be too if fat black men were running toward you at an incredible rate), I yank the driver's door, almost ripping the damn thing off it's hinges. (Sad really, what would I do with a van that had no door? Use it to deliver UPS goods? I don't THINK so.) Yes, I know I get a little overexcited, but hey..I had FINALLY captured my little Tennman. Woohoo! So, while attempting to hop in the van, I about decapitated myself. Damn hat. So, I took it off and threw it into the street. Britney saw me discard it from her position near the door and got so excited that I had given her back SOME of her clothing, that she ran out to get it. Too bad the wind blew the hat RIGHT in front of my right tire as I peeled out of the parking lot. Not to mention that Britney left big pink smudges on the bumper. Odd. Rachel and Steve ran away laughing as I yelled out "Speed Bump!!" before turning the corner, on my way to what would be our final destination.

***

Finally, we arrived at a large venue back in Orlando. Justin, who sat, still wrapped in the blanket like a brand new baby boy, in the back of the van was sucking his thumb and crying for his mom when I pulled into the parking space. I turned off the van and crawled into the back to try and calm him down a little. Getting him to stop wailing was my biggest feat...finally I just told him 'mine are real', and he calmed right down. Lol. Wiping away his tears, he asked where we were, and I told him that I had bought us tickets to see Busta Rhymes and Jay-Z in concert. He starts jumping around like a little boy, beatboxing, pulling his pants down around his knees, and tying his shirt around his head like a funky Eryka Bandau (or however you spell it) turban. Whatever.

Like TEN years later when Justin stopped putting on his OWN concert, we entered the venue...only to take a HUGE whiff of weed. We wandered around for awhile before finally finding some unoccupied seats, only to get thrown OUT of those seats by some large black men when they decided to RE-occupy their seats. Justin was sad...and cried...again. As he's sitting there blowing his nose on his turban wrap (which is falling off by the way), some random greasy guy comes up and offers him a joint. Looking up through red, tearstained eyes, Justin happily acceppted.

A half hour later, well into the concert, I am avoiding skanky skeezer types that are unusually attracted to a woman in glittery pink ensembles, and Justin disappeared. I start to worry, because...well, he's high as a friggin kite. No sooner had I started searching under chairs for a passed out Justin than I heard the lovely voice of my one and only up onstage. Looking up I see Justin in his wifebeater, jeans practically around his ankles snatch the microphone away from Jay-Z. First off, I don't think that it's acceptable for a pop star to steal Jay-Z's mic. Secondly he is high. Anyhoo, he is obviously off his rocker and he starts professing love for his stalker, his predator in pink...in other words, yours truly. Before I faint from shock, I hold my head in my hands in exasperation as two police officers remove my poor JuJu from the stage. (He's been through so much! Don't they understand what it took to get him here?!? Sheesh.)

***

So yeah, Justy got hauled off by the cops. I was actually semi happy about it! Since I was the only one who knew where he was, that meant that I would be his pink savior, rescuing him from jail. I hopped in the rapist van and followed the coppers back to the jail, where I watched my poor baby blue bunting get thrown in a cell with a horrible biker guy that had a certain liking for curly haired mama's boys. After finding out the amount for bail, I get a little upset. Um hello..I drive a rapist van and steal clothes from Britney Spears (god rest her soul...jk)...do you think I HAVE 500?? Um..NO! So, I apologized to my tasty little treat and tell him I'm going to work the corner for a few hours and I'll be back as soon as I get some money.

***

Well, the corner in Orlando that I usually work wasn't exactly hopping with action that night. I got in a fight with three bimbos in cheetah print hotpants after they tried to tell me that my outfit wasn't complete without a large feathered pink hat! The NERVE! So, because I decided to rumble with them for an hour or so, and narrowly escaped going to jail mySELF...I lost a few customers. Therefore not getting back to bail out Justy till early the next morning. (Ok so it was like noon, but hey...that's early!) The nice policeman let me go back there with him to let out my pumby umby umpkin. (Lol.) I was shocked though to find him in bed with another man! It was the biker brute, spooning with MY man! But I don't think that Justin liked him too much cuz he ran to me and jumped up into my arms after they opened the cell. He was SO glad to see me that he forgot I was the main reason he was IN jail, and he told me as soon as we got outside that he HAD to make it up for me right then. (I really just think he wanted to make sure I knew he wasn't gay after I saw him with Mr. Harley America.)

To make THAT long story short, we went for a little romp in the hay. Ok, so no...I lied...it wasn't IN the hay. (This is JUSTIN..not Lance here people...DUH!) But putting it bluntly, the rapist van became the love mobile and boy was it a rockin. Lol.

Then...tragedy strikes. The BASTARD gets up and puts his pants back on, thanks me for bailing him out, and for the shagadelic good time bay-bee, yeah! I ask him what in the name of TIMBZ he thinks he's doing..and he just smiles and says..."I did it all for the nookie!", then leaves. I didn't say anything, but I am pissed OFF...so I pout for a minute. Ok, so it was a long time. Anyways...after I put on my leopard tube dress and black combat boots, I started cleaning up the rapist van...saddened by the entire situation. Then I find the condom wrapper (I'm all about safe sex people duh!), and notice there is a large puncture hole in the wrapper. I tried to recall if he got THAT vigorous when he opened it with his teeth, but I couldn't recall if he did. All I could remember was the horrid animal noise he made when he did it. It sounded like a cat in heat. *shudder* So, as I drove back to find my sister (who oddly enough, after working so closely with Big Stevie, lost interest in Hamster Teeth and hooked it up with the large Fatone. Lol.)...I smiled coyly, thinking of the power I may soon have over my little Curly-Q.

Making a VERY long story short...yeah right...about a month later, I dress myself up in some pink leather and head to another N Sync concert in the area. Rachel and Stevie are hot and heavy, so he gets me backstage, where I corner Justin. Then I laid down the law as he shrunk into the fetal position in the corner and started sucking his thumb. I told him how he was LUCKY that I wasn't pregnant, BUT because the rapist van is fully equipped, I DID have some very compromising photographs of his freckled ass in a sling. Knowing full well that Lou and the teenies wouldn't approve of that too much, he was willing to agree to anything my demented little mind thought up. So...I told him my demands...which are the following:

1. I must get to be in ALL of N Sync's future videos...and should have as much or more screen time than the little camera hog himself.

2. He must become my love slave immediately...what can I say, he makes me horny baby yeah! (Lol..)

3. Since I really don't want to be hated as much as the hoebag Britney (may she rest in peace. Jk), he may NOT claim me as his girlfriend so there are no hate pages dedicated to me.

4. He must turn over the precious Benz to me...*evil laugh*. (Hey it's worth it just for the key. I already have plans for the beast...hot pink fur seat covers, pink dice hanging from the mirror, and a vanity plate that reads PNKLADY. Lol!!)

Reluctantly, he agrees after I finally made him take his DAMN thumb out of his mouth. I scared him by telling him that by sucking his thumb he would end up with teeth like JC. Lol...mean, yes...truthful...YES!

***

And the conclusion to our lovely tale goes something like this:

I become known as Nsync's 'makeup' girl, traveling with them everywhere. Although they DID make me give up my pink/glitter obsession. I think it was cuz they found Lance trying on my clothes...that man is strangely addicted to pink. Scary thought. Anyways, Justin by this time has developed feelings for me...mostly because I make him spend all his free time with me...how could he not love me? Lol.. Joey tries to sneak into my bunk every night cuz well, he's Joey. Then one night I was searching through the cabinets on the bus, looking for a large gallon of bleach so Justin could redo his hair, when Joey crawled into my bunk only to find Justin in cheetah boxers. Rarrr. That started a huge fight, Justin kicked Hoey..I mean Joey's ass and put the Bozo wannabe in the hospital, thus delaying their new album. And THAT...my friends...is the REAL reason why their album is delayed, not some gay ass story about them changing labels. (Hey they lied about things before, they are lying again. What can I say. Lol.)

The end....aren't you glad? Haha...you loved it, don't kid yourself.

Back to the first part of my adventure...
Thrust IT HOME!