ãcopyright 1997 by Tommy
Van Stitzel
ON THE ROAD TO GEHENNA. is a one act, philosophical comedy play. Misty, God in Dolly Parton drag; Bubba, Satan in a rat costume; Jesse, Jesus as a cowboy, and Robert, a “lost soul” collide in a bar.
The following is an excerpt.
Robert
Listen! I
may not know where I am or….
Bubba
Yer no where.
(Jesse rises
and stands close to Robert. He speaks
intimately into Robert's ear.)
Jesse
You are where you are.
Robert
But I don't know where that is or how I got here or
where I'm going. I just know that I
want out!
Misty
But honey, that's what we're here discussin'. Ah'm
defendin' yor case. Pay attention. Now if ya'll want ta get up and go somewhere
else, (indicating Bubba) Ya'll can go
south with him but Ah don't think ya'll would like where he lives. It's hell!
Bubba
Just a little place I call my own.
Misty
Or ya'll could go north with me, but, truthfully
speakin', I have my standards and so far ya'll haven't earned yor wings.
Bubba
My horns are yer horns.
Robert
(to Misty) But where is it your place to judge me!? (to
Jesse) Who does he think he
is? God!?
Jesse
He's got Bubba convinced.
Robert
And you?
Jesse
(smiling) He's always told me that he's my father and that he loves
me. That's all I've ever needed to
know.
Robert
(to Misty) So, you're the Supreme Judge?
Misty
Ah reserve for myself the absolute right ta judge,
yes. And so far yor not helpin' yor
case. Why, right now, Ah don't even
like lookin' at ya'll.
Robert
Then don't!
Dear God, please don't look at me!
Misty
If that was a prayer, it was definitely lackin' in
sincerity.
Bubba
Touché!
Robert
Sincerity? Sincerity! Are you for real? Where did you get that accent?!
Sincerity! Screw your sincerity!
Bubba
Touchdown!
Misty
(to
Bubba) Shut up! (to
Robert) How dare ya'll!
Robert
(mocking
Misty's accent) Ah dare just fine, thank
ya'll.
Misty
Stop mockin' me!
(Jesse
continues singing All you need is love.)
Misty
Damn ya ta hell, Jesse! Shut up yor damned mouth!
(Jesse
abruptly stops singing and he and Misty both are stunned with Misty's outburst)
Bubba
Personal foul!
Ten yard penalty!
Misty
(to Bubba) Shut up, ya fool! (to Jesse) Ah'm so sorry, honey. Ah
didn't mean ta yell at ya'll.
Jesse
You've never spoken to me like that before.
Bubba
Yea, yell all ya want at me, just don't scream at
the boy.
Misty
(to Bubba) Shut up! (to Jesse) Ah'm sorry, baby.
Jesse
No, don't apologize, Misty. This is important somehow. I've seen your wrath before but I've never
been on the receiving end. I don't like
it. It's cruel.
Bubba
See! Outta
the mouths of babes. Ya go too far!
Misty
(to Bubba) Shut up! (to Jesse) Ah didn't mean it. It's
just that ah seem ta be losing control.
Nobody's mindin' me anymore. No
one's afraid of me anymore.
(Misty turns
to Robert.)
Misty
You! You
filthy little man! This here's yor
fault!
Jesse
No, Misty…..
Misty
Ah never liked yor choices in life and Ah definitely
don't like yor manners.
Jesse
Misty, please…….
Misty
Ya'll show me no respect and no sign of ever
redeemin' yorself . Now if ya'll want
ta get back in ta my good graces, sit down and shut up!
Robert
No!
Misty
Excuse me?
Jesse
Robert, don't!
Robert
I won't sit down!
I won't shut up!
Misty
Ah'm warnin' ya'll, Mr. de Forrest…
(Robert
resumes reciting his poem, which he now delivers loudly and passionately, as a
weapon against Misty)
Robert Misty
While its multi-limbs
fan-dance in symmetry, Stop it!
outstretched in perfect balance,
graceful in spirit
as it is in form. How
dare ya'll!
With open palms, Disgustin'
fingers spread wide,
it reaches outward Stop
it! Ya filthy lil' man.
in furtherance of Stop
it!
limitless space and time. Stop it!
Misty
Stop it!
Free Will! The bane of my
existence. It'll be my downfall, if
they don't destroy themselves first. Ya'll are right about one thing. Yor petty conditions are secondary to the
real matter.
Jesse
What is in the heart?
Misty
No! Responsibility! Is anybody here listenin' ta me? Why, ah doubt very much that Mr. de Forrest
even remembers that he has a heart. Do
ya'll? Have ya'll looked lately? Ah doubt it!
Robert
My heart!?
My heart. Well, let me see. The last time I looked my heart had lost
itself in this maze you call free will.
Ha! Free Will! It's nothing more than a blank page upon
which each of us writes our own answers to a chaotic mystery, trampling over
each other to impose our version over the others. All the while, running through that maze chasing our noses
nowhere. Fearing that the truth in the
end is that it's all just a game. A
game of chance. Chance, do you hear
me! Not choice!
Misty
Ya'll heard him!
No responsibility and no heart!
(to Bubba) Ya'll can have him. Ya'll win!
Bubba
Whaddaya mean I win?
Misty
Ah'm letting ya'll win, nit wit!
Bubba
Letting me win!
Ya cow! If ya don't want him,
then he ain't worth havin'. I don't
want him. You take him.
Misty
No, yor right.
He's one of yors. He's so. He’s so boring!
Jesse
(to Robert) Wanna dance?
Robert
What? Dance?
Misty
What are ya'll up ta, honey?
Jesse
Love.
Misty
Love?
Babycakes, ah think that'd be a waste of yor time.
Jesse
But I can't think of anything worthier of my
time. Of all the lessons that you have
taught me, "love" seems to me to be the most important.
Misty
Oh, honey, yor old enough now ta understand that ah
never intended "love" ta be unconditional. Quite the contrary, it is a privilege ta be bestowed as a reward
for good behavior.
Jesse
"Love your neighbor as you love
yourself." Isn't that what you
taught me?
Misty
Ah was never prouder of ya'll than when ya'll made
that statement, but ya'll have failed ta recognize that when creatures loath
themselves such as these, it is impossible for them ta love others 'tall.
Jesse
What happens to love?
Misty
Without discipline it perverts. No, what these creatures need to learn is
good ole fashion obedience. And
guilt. And sacrifice. Oh, for the good ole days of the sacrifice!
Jesse
I don't know.
It sounds awfully harsh to me.
Misty
Yor a good boy and ah love ya'll for it and they're
lucky ta have ya'll represent them, but ya'll are too kind, baby.
Jesse
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto
you." Didn't you always teach me
that?
Misty
Ah taught ya'll about kindness, yes. But with yor pure heart, honey, ya'll have
been too liberal in the practical application of my laws. Kindness, as well as love, has ta be
tempered with the fear of retribution.
Given with an open hand outstretched, indeed, but with the other hand in
a clenched fist upraised at the ready.
It's the only thing they truly understand.
Jesse
But, Misty, please.
Misty
Well! What
can ah say? Ah can refuse ya'll nothin'
so if ya'll want ta try it yor way…
Jesse
I do.
Really, I do.
Misty
So be it. (to Robert) Ya'll heard Jesse! If
Jesse wants ta dance, then dance!
(Robert looks dismayed. Misty crosses to the jukebox, gives it one
good pound with his fist. Time after Time begins to play. She turns to Robert.)
Misty
Dance!
(Robert stands. Jesse stands up and walks to the dance floor
as Robert follows him with resignation. Jesse takes Robert in his arms and they
begin to slow dance. It is a sweet
picture. Misty returns to Bubba at the
bar.)
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