The following is an excerpt from my two-act play with music.
Yes!
Yes! I can see it in my mind’s eye now. It’ll be swell. Yes, governor we’ll do it. Yes, yes, I understand that it wasn’t a request, sir. It’s an order! I only meant that I want to do it! It’ll be my pleasure to do it. Well, of course, sir, my pleasure has nothing to do with it. You’re right, sir. I only meant … A good show? Of course. The best show ever! Better than what? Why, of course, better even than the Columbus Opera. No problem. After all, the songs’ll be sung in English. Besides, my prison is full of talent, Governor! Hard core criminals, yes, but talented, sir. Take my word for it. Next Saturday night? That soon? No, no problem, sir. No, of course not, plenty of time this only being Monday. Meatless? But of course. Doing our duty for the war, sir. But five days, is, well, Saturday and, you remember Saturday: Pacifist? The chair? Of course, he’s a scumbag, a traitor but … No, sir. I mean yes, sir. No, I won’t let you down, I promise. Yes, sir. No, sir. Yes, sir. Your mother? How wonderful, sir! Yes, sir. We look forward to it. Goodbye Governor.
Oh god, Legs, I’m dead.
Sounds bad, Warden.
Bad? Bad! That foul Kaiser’s war is bad! This is a catastrophe!
Big, then.
Yea, I’d say it’s big! The biggest thing that’s ever happened to me! Governor is coming here in five days, next Saturday night, and he wants a show. Do you hear me? A show … with singing and dancing and a story … a love story for god’s sake!
A love story?
He’s bringing his mother.
The cow?
Watch yourself.
Govnor’s bringin’ the cow ta a man’s prison?
She wants to cheer up the boys for Christmas.
Ya seen the teats on her?
Never mind.
And she moos! She don’t laugh. She moos.
Never mind.
Moo whoo whoo whoo whoo.
Never mind! We have bigger problems. If Governor doesn’t get what he wants, he’s sending me back down to City Jail. They don’t like me at City Jail. They promised to hurt me; to do bad things to me if I ever went back there. And that was just the guards. Adam Site is not going back to City Jail … not alone, I’m not. Do you hear me? I go down. You go down with me so get hopping. Got any ideas?
Well, sure thing, Warden. First thing we do is we find us a fall guy.
A fall guy. Good. Good. I like it. So we need … we need …
A producer!
A producer?
Yea! One a the boys … then he kin take the heat for this!
Yea. Let one of the boys take the heat. One of the inmates. Good thinking, Legs, but who? One of the petty criminals, of course.
‘Course.
But who? Which of society’s rejects here is dirt but not scum? Which one is too stupid not to be trusted and yet smart enough to do this? Who’s a boot licker, Legs, a butt sniffer, desperate enough to risk the wrath of Governor? Who?
Cockroach!
Cockroach! Yes, he’s perfect. A pickpocket. A pest without poison. Good thinking. Cockroach it is! He’s our producer.
Director.
And if he fails, he can take the heat! But even his pea brain can handle this. After all, how hard can it be?
You’re going to be the producer, ya understand, Cockroach?
Producer / director …
All right then … the producer / director.
Ya understand?
Well, beggin’ yer pardon Warden but …
You’re doing this! Do you hear me? That’s all there is to it. You’re going to be the producer.
Producer / director.
Yea, that.
But …
There’s no but! It’s an order from the governor himself.
The governor requested me?
Requested you?
Yea, that’s it! Ya got it exactly. Govnor’s requested ya hisself. Ain’t that right, Warden? Govnor requested Cockroach here as a personal favor ta be producer / director.
There’s the thing right there! The governor won’t have anybody else to do this but you.
Says yer the only one kin do the job right.
That’s right. That’s exactly how it went. The governor said to me, “Warden, I want Cockroach! There’s no one but Cockroach who can do this. Cockroach is my man.”
What’s Warden ta do, Cockroach?
What am I to do? You’ve got do this one for me.
I don’t know.
Ya gotta do it fer Warden.
For the governor.
Well, yea, all right. Sure, if I gotta.
Well done. Good man.
Yer doin’ the right thing, Cockroach.
But whadda I get outta this?
What?
Whaddya ya talkin’?
What do I get out a this? If the governor’s so hot ta have me do this job for ‘im, where’s his ‘preciation …
Why ya louse …
No! Wait! Hang on, Legs. Put him down, will you?
What do you want, Cockroach?
A pardon.
A pardon?
Ya bug!
Now wait a minute, Legs. Hang back there. The man’s got a right to expect something in return. After all, we’re all gentlemen here. Help the man up, Legs, for goodness sakes!
So you’re thinking you might want a pardon out of all of this. Is this right, Cockroach?
I was jest thinkin’, ya know. I mean, it bein’ a special request from the governor hisself.
I see. So, you’re thinking a pardon is only fair?
Seems like it, don’t it?
Seems fair me to me. Seem fair to you, Legs?
I oughtta squash his puny …
Come, come, Legs. You’re a fair man. I’m a fair man. The governor’s a fair man. So let’s all be fair. You do this. You be producer.
Director.
Producer / director and in exchange … well, I’ll speak to the governor on your behalf. How’s that? What do you say?
Well, I say it’s a deal then.
Excellent!
I just got one question.
What’s that?
What’s a producer / director?
What’s a producer / director? Why, Cockroach, there isn’t a more important person around than a producer.
Director.
‘Ceptin’ Govnor, a course.
Of course.
An’ Warden here.
Thank you. No job more important.
No higher callin’.
No one.
No thing.
Is greater than
A producer.
Director!
You don’t say. But what do I gotta do?
Ta put on a show, ya idiot!
With songs and dancing and a story.
A story?
Yea, the governor’s mother likes stories.
The cow’s comin’?
WARDEN LEGS
Shhhhhh! Moo whoo whoo whoo whoo.
And she likes stories. Love stories especially. So there’s gotta be songs and dancing and a love story so get to work and write us a great musical, love story.
But I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout writin’.
Then ya better learn fast!
But Warden …
You heard Legs, Cockroach. You’ve got your work cut out for you.
Warden?
What?
Then, ah.
Well, what is it?
I gotta get in ta see the condemned man.
The Pansy?
Not pansy, Legs. Pacifist!
What’s the difference?
Pansy is one of those girly guys.
Not ta be confused with Black Pansy who’s not. Now Silly Sal’s a pansy.
Shut up, ya fool!
His people.
The Black Hand.
Hear you say that and you’re a dead man. Now, a pacifist, Legs, is a coward.
Pansies like ta fight.
Never mind.
Ya ever been inna fight with a pansy?
Can’t say as I have.
They’ll scratch yer eyes out!
Word gets back to Silly Sal that you two have been talking about pansies and you both are going to wake up with your throats cut. Now, why do you need to see Pacifist, Cockroach?
No one sees that traitor!
Legs is right.
I gotta talk ta him.
Listen, that coward fries Saturday an’ no one sees him afore. Not even his own Mama.
This is true.
But Warden, he kin write.
What are you talking about?
Listen, Warden, I kin produce an’ direct this thing if I hafta but I cain’t write no story.
LEGS WARDEN
I told ya, ya better learn fast. Never say cain’t.
But I cain’t ‘less ya wanna story ‘bout a whole bunch a neked girls. That’s all I know ‘bout romance.
Wait a minute, Cockroach. Are you trying to tell me that you want Pacifist to write the story?
All I’m sayin’, sir, is no madda how fast an’ how hard I try ta learn ta write a story, it ain’t never goin’ ta be good as what Pacifist can come up with.
True, I suppose.
This here’s crazy.
Wait a minute, Legs. Just wait a minute here. Crazy as it seems … Let me think.
He’s a damn cop killer!
Vile and despicable as he may be, Pacifist is an educated man.
He kin write, I tell ya.
And there’s no law that says a condemned man can’t write a show.
But, Warden …
It just might work.
I don’t like it.
Redemption is good fer the soul, is what my good, ole papa used ta say. Think on it, Warden. Cain’t ya jest see the headlines now. Warden Adam Site gives condemned man chance ta redeem hisself with society afore said creep goes ta meet his maker.
Horse
Crap!
No, this is good, Legs. This is very good.
Ya’d be doin’ the right thing, sir.
Ya’d be headin’ fer disaster.
It’s all right, Legs. It’s all, all right. Seems you’ve got yourself a writer, Cockroach. Now run along and get started because you have a lot to do before this Saturday.
Saturday! But, Warden, cain’t do …
Move it along before I change my mind.
‘Bout the pardon?
I’ll speak to the governor right away. Now run along and give us a great show.
Warden, this here’s a train wreak in the makin’.
I’ve made my decision and it’s your job to make sure that this train stays on its tracks.
I’ll keep a eye on him, Warden.
You’ll do better than that.
Meanin’?
Meaning I’m looking at his choreographer.
Choreographer? What? Me?
Twinkle Toes of the Blue Moon Ball Room is finally going to put his talents to good use.
I pride myself on my dancin’, but …
They don’t call you Legs for nothing.
But, Warden …
No buts! This has to work or both our butts are going to be exotic dancing for the boys back in city jail! And I don’t wag my tail for anyone.
‘Ceptin’ Govnor.
Of course. So make this work! Do you hear me? Make it work!
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