On a Starship, orbiting a blue-white
planet...
KIRK (VOICE-OVER)
Captain's Log, Old Earth Date 1968:
The Enterprise has successfully time-warped
back to Earth. A landing party consisting of
myself, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Spock will beam
down to the crash site of a Federation deep
space probe. En route to the unexplored
Delta Quadrant, the probe apparently
encountered some sort of unexplained
phenomenon that not only sent it careening
back into Federation space, but back through
time, as well. As the site of the crash is a
small deserted island in the Pacific, we do
not anticipate any problems with recovery of
the probe. If circumstances were otherwise,
we might even enjoy a little sightseeing...
MUSIC, FADES TO...
THE TRANSPORTER EFFECT: A GLITTERING,
PSYCHEDELIC SOUND THAT WOULD BE RIGHT AT HOME
IN BELL BOTTOMS, WIDE TIE, AND FRINGED
CROCHETED VEST. IT IS THE KIND OF SOUND THAT
WOULD PROBABLY WEAR SIDEBURNS, TOO.
SPOCK
Captain, it would appear that our original
data was incorrect. This island appears to
be inhabited after all.
MCCOY
(SARCASTICALLY) What was your first clue,
Spock? (PAUSES) The grass huts or the seven
people clustered around them and that (LONGER
PAUSE, AS HE SQUINTS AT OBJECT) ...thingy?
SPOCK
(DRYLY) Doctor, your grasp of technical
terminology continues to astonish me. The
device (STRESSES WORD) appears to be
some sort of primitive nuclear reactor.
(VULCAN PAUSE: THESE HAVE EYEBROWS AND KNOW
HOW TO USE THEM) It seems to have been
constructed from (SAHARAN TONE: NOT JUST DRY,
IT HASN'T SEEN MOISTURE IN DECADES)
...coconuts.
McCOY
(INDIGNANT) Are you out of your Vulcan
mind?! You can't make a nuclear
anything outta a bunch of... (BRIEF
SILENCE) Well, I'll be damned. Coconuts.
KIRK
(TRYING TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION)
Gentlemen! If you could postpone the
technical discussion until later? We appear
to have attracted some attention.
THE CAPTAIN'S VOICE TRAILS OFF, AS SEVEN
DIFFERENT VOICES FADE UP, CREATING AN
OVERLAPPING AUDIO JAMBALAYA (WITHOUT THE
CRAWFISH, OF COURSE): TALKING EXCITEDLY,
OVER ONE ANOTHER, ETC.
VOICES (OVERLAPPING)
WOW! Will ya' lookit the ears on that
one! Are you from Hollywood? Oh dear, I'm
not dressed for company...Is it Halloween
already? The short one in the gold shirt's
not bad...GINGER!...Well, he's cute!
SKIPPER
(BELLOWING LIKE A HAT-WIELDING MANIAC) Will
you all just SHUT UP?!
VOICES (ONLY SIX NOW)
(CHORUSING) Sorry, Skipper.
KIRK
(SOTTO VOCE) We would appear to have a
slight (TRADEMARK PAUSE) ...problem.
SPOCK
(CAMELS COULD LIVE IN THIS TONE) Indeed,
Captain.
McCOY
(HARBORING A FEW "SHIPS-OF-THE-DESERT"
HIMSELF) Nothing gets past you two, does it?
MUSICAL CUE, FADE OUT
MUSIC: FANFARE, FADES TO...
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)
A short time later...
INCIDENTAL MUSIC: FADE UP (WAY UP.
IN FACT, THIS IS MUSIC THAT HAS HAD WAAAY TOO
MUCH CAFFEINE AND STAYED UP ALL NIGHT
ORGANIZING THE REFRIGERATOR CONTENTS
ALPHABETICALLY BY EXPIRATION DATES. IT
SHOULD HAVE A NICE, QUIET LIE-DOWN AFTER
THIS).
PROFESSOR
Why, yes, Captain Kirk. We did find your
space probe. I thought it was some new
design being tested by NASA.
SPOCK
(HELPFULLY MAKING THE CAPTAIN LOOK LIKE AN
IDIOT) The old National Aeronautics and
Space Admin--
KIRK
(INTERJECTING) I know, Spock. I
didn't sleep through every Ancient
History class at the Academy! (TO PROFESSOR,
JOVIALLY) Where is our little lost
lamb?
SPOCK
I fail to see what livestock has to do with--
PROFESSOR
(INTERRUPTING. HE HAS THE DISTRACTED AIR OF
ONE TRYING TO WORK OUT EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON THAT IS DISTURBING THEM)
It's, uhm, just over here. At the edge of
the clearing... (FADES AS HE MOVES AWAY)
McCOY
(TO SPOCK) C'mon, Little Bo-Peep.
PROFESSOR
As you can see, I modified a few things.
(PROUDLY) I was planning to use the
telemetry device to send a distress signal so
we could be rescued.
KIRK
(TRYING NOT TO SOUND WORRIED) I...see. Mr.
Spock, if you will...?
PROFESSOR
(WHO'S FINALLY WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT
SPOCK) Uhm, Captain... (TRYING TO BE
TACTFUL) Your companion is a bit, er,
unusual, er, isn't he?
KIRK
(INNOCENTLY, IGNORING MUFFLED LAUGHTER FROM
McCOY) Really? I hadn't noticed. (UNDER
HIS BREATH) Shut up, Bones!
MUFFLED LAUGHTER CONTINUES
KIRK
(OVER McCOY, CALLING LOUDLY) Spock! How
does the probe look?
McCOY
If he says, "Like a probe," I'm outta here.
SPOCK
(IGNORING McCOY) We have a problem.
McCOY
Oh, goody. (THIS TONE DRIPS SARCASM. PLEASE
HAVE A TECHNICIAN STANDING BY WITH A MOP.)
KIRK
(PATIENTLY) Bones, please. (TO SPOCK)
Well? What's the bad news now?
SPOCK
The probe's propulsion unit has been severely
damaged, either by the phenomenon which sent
it here, or by the passage through the
planet's atmosphere.
KIRK
Well, we didn't expect it to get home on its
own. What exactly is the problem?
SPOCK
The probe's matter/antimatter
propulsion unit has been severely
damaged, Captain.
KIRK
(NOT GETTING IT) Yes?
SPOCK
The containment field is deteriorating at a
rate of 2.5 microns per second. (PAUSES
EXPECTANTLY. WHEN IT BECOMES CLEAR THEY'RE
STILL NOT GETTING IT, SUPPRESSES A SIGH)
Unless power is restored to the containment
field, the matter and antimatter will mix
freely. (JUST IN CASE: SPEAKING S-L-O-W-L-Y
AND C-L-E-A-R-L-Y) The probe will
explode.
McCOY
You're just a regular font of good news,
aren't you, Spock?
KIRK
(WHOSE TEMPER IS DETERIORATING A HELLUVA LOT
FASTER THAN 2.5 MICRONS PER SECOND)
Bones! (REINS HIMSELF IN WITH AUDIBLE
EFFORT) We'll beam the probe up to the ship
so Scotty can have a look at it.
COMMUNICATOR EFFECT: OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO
THE TRANSPORTER EFFECT, BUT WITHOUT THE
SIDEBURNS. (IF BARBARA WALTERS ASKED IT WHAT
KIND OF ANIMAL IT WOULD BE, IT WOULD HAVE TO
REPLY "A SLIGHTLY DEMENTED, ELECTRONIC
BUDGIE".)
KIRK
(BRISKLY) Kirk to Enterprise.
SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)
Och! I was just aboot to call ye, Sir!
We've a wee bit of a problem up here.
KIRK
(IN MARTYRED TONES) Why doesn't that
surprise me? (PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER:
BRISKLY) Very well, Mr. Scott. What is the
nature of your crisis?
SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)
Oh, 'tis nay a crisis, exactly, Sir.
I mean, it's not like we have ta' beam ya' up
right away or anythin'... (SUDDENLY THE
CAPTAIN'S UNHAPPY TONE HITS HOME. MORE
CAUTIOUSLY...) Is it?
KIRK
As a matter of fact, we were thinking of
settling here permanently. Build a few huts,
marry native girls... (GETS A GRIP: SOME OF
THE HYSTERIA LEAVES HIS VOICE) Assuming we
did want to beam up -- oh, say
RIGHT NOW -- why can't we?
SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)
Just a wee hiccup in the transporter, Sir.
Shouldna take me more than six hours to set
right again.
McCOY
Six hours! (BECOMING MUFFLED) What
does he think, we're on shore leave down
here?! You tell that engineer --
(UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES, EVEN MORE MUFFLED
THAN BEFORE)
KIRK
(BLANDLY) Let him go, Spock. That's a court
martial offense. (SIGHS) Scotty --
(A PAUSE, WHILE KIRK OBVIOUSLY RETHINKS HIS
NEXT WORDS) Get that transporter back
on-line, and I mean as soon as possible! I
want to know the second you can
transport! (VOCAL SHRUG) Unless you see a
big mushroom cloud sometime in the interim,
in which case you might as well forget the
whole thing and go bowling.
SCOTTY (VOICE-OVER)
We Scots prefer golf, actually, Captain...
KIRK
(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) I don't care if you
prefer ballet dancing, Mr. Scott. Get
that transporter working! Kirk out!
McCOY
(TO HIMSELF) You know, this is what I love
about my job. Never a dull moment. I'd like
to try one sometime. I hear they're quite
nice, really. And what am I doing on this
stupid landing party, anyway? Did somebody,
who shall remain nameless
but-he-knows-who-he-is-Jim, think the
probe was gonna need a Doctor to bandage its
knee?
KIRK
BONES! (PAUSES FOR A DEEP BREATH, AND
REMINDS HIMSELF THAT STARFLEET FROWNS UPON
ITS OFFICERS MANGLING ONE ANOTHER, EVEN WHEN
SEVERELY PROVOKED) If you have to
contribute to the conversation, could you at
least try to make it something
constructive?
McCOY
Constructive is Spock's department. I'm just
an old country Doctor, Jim. I flunked
"constructive" at the Academy.
SPOCK
May I remind everyone that the collapse of
the matter/antimatter containment field is
imminent. Unless field integrity is
restored, the resulting explosion will
vaporize this island, everything and
everyone on it, and quite a lot of the
surrounding ocean.
McCOY
That's constructive?!
KIRK
(WITH ALL THE PLEASANT AND CASUAL INTEREST OF
A COBRA CONTEMPLATING A NICE JUICY
MOUSEBURGER) You have something to add,
Doctor McCoy?
McCOY
Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a member of
the bomb squad!
SPOCK
A state of affairs for which we are all
grateful.
KIRK
(PLEASANTLY) Both of you -- Shut up.
THERE IS A STUDIOUS SILENCE. IT PRACTICALLY
HAS A DEGREE IN SHUTTING UP.
KIRK
(STILL IN THAT SAME DANGEROUSLY SMOOTH TONE)
Spock?
SPOCK
(CAUTIOUSLY. THE ICE IS THIN, AND HE KNOWS
IT) Yes, Captain?
KIRK
(SOUNDING AS IF HE HAS EXCEDRIN HEADACHE
#238) You had something useful to
say?
SPOCK
Yes, Sir. We simply have to locate an
alternative power source for the magnetic
field generators.
McCOY
(LAYING ON THE DRAWL WITH A TROWEL) Oh, is
that all?! Well, what were we worried
about, Jim? The Great and Powerful Pointy
Ears is here to save the day! (DRIPS
SARCASM: ALERT THE MOP GUY) I don't know
what island you're on, Spock, but
this one seems remarkably deficient in
power sources. Or were you planning on
pulling a nuclear reactor out of your ears?
SPOCK
Not my ears, Doctor. (PAUSES) Though, if
you would like to discuss anatomy, I have a
suggestion concerning yours that --
KIRK
Spock! You and McCoy can discuss new
and interesting ways of contorting the human
body later! You have an idea for an
alternative power source?
SPOCK
Coconuts.
THERE IS A STUNNED SILENCE. IT IS A SILENCE,
IN FACT, THAT HAS BEEN CLUBBED OVER THE HEAD,
DRAGGED INTO A DARK ALLEY, AND LEFT FOR DEAD.
KIRK
Spock, you don't mean...? (MORE FIRMLY) You
can't possibly mean -- ?
McCOY
You're not serious. This is all some twisted
plot to convince me I've finally lost my
mind, right? You can't be seriously
considering...?
SOUND EFFECT: SPOCK LIFTS LEFT EYEBROW.
(THIS IS A TRICKY EFFECT, BUT WELL WORTH THE
EFFORT. ANY COMPETENT RADIOPHONICS WORKSHOP
WORTH ITS SALT CAN PULL IT OFF WITH ABOUT SIX
MONTHS LEAD-TIME AND AN UNLIMITED BUDGET.
JUST MAKE SURE THEY DO THE LEFT
EYEBROW AND NOT THE RIGHT EYEBROW.
THE FANS CAN SPOT THIS SORT OF THING A
LIGHT-YEAR AWAY.)
KIRK
(PROVING THAT STARSHIP CAPTAINS DO INDEED
"BOLDLY GO", ETC.) Do it.
SPOCK
I shall require the Professor's assistance.
PROFESSOR
(CALLING LOUDLY) Gilligan! Get more
coconuts!
MUSIC -- FADES OUT
MUSIC, FANFARE -- FADES IN
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, OVER MUSIC)
Three hours later...on the island, which
has not been vaporized...
SKIPPER
It sure was nice of those fellows to leave us
this radio, huh, Professor?
PROFESSOR
Indeed, it was. With this, we'll be rescued
in no time!
GILLIGAN
(DISTANT, BUT COMING CLOSER) Skip-per!
Pro-fes-sor!
SKIPPER
Gilligan, what are you doing with all those
coconuts?
GILLIGAN
I thought the Professor could build one of
those "transporter" things like those nice
NASA men had, and we'd all be back home
before you could say --
SKIPPER AND PROFESSOR
(IN UNISON) LOOK OUT!!!
PROFESSOR
(IN THE SAME BREATH) Gilligan, watch out for
the --
A CRASH INTERRUPTS HIM. SOUND EFFECT: A
WHOLE LOT OF COCONUTS SMASHING AN
IRREPLACEABLE...
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
...Radio.
GILLIGAN
(EDGING AWAY) Oops.
PROFESSOR AND SKIPPER
(IN STEREO, WITH THX-SOUND)
Gil-li-ga-a-a-aa-an!!!!
SOUND EFFECT: THE FRANTIC SCRAMBLE OF A
FIRST MATE TAKING TO THE JUNGLE WITH AN IRATE
SCHOOL TEACHER AND AN EQUALLY STEAMED
HAT-WIELDING SKIPPER HOT ON HIS FLYING HEELS.
(THIS IS A LOT EASIER THAN THAT
EYEBROW THING. TRUST ME.)
MUSIC -- FADE OUT
MUSIC, FANFARE -- FADE UP
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)
Meanwhile, in orbit...
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSPORTER EFFECT (THIS SOUND
REALLY HAS NO SHAME. IT WOULD MIX PAISLEY
AND STRIPES!!)
KIRK
(OVER SOUND EFFECT: FOOTSTEPS) Glad to be
home, Bones?
McCOY
Well, one thing's for sure. I'll never look
at coconuts in quite the same way...
KIRK
(SOUNDING A LOT SANER THAN HE HAS FOR HOURS)
Never argue with success.
SOUND EFFECT: THE TURBOLIFT DOORS.
KIRK
(STEPPING BRISKLY ONTO THE BRIDGE) Mister
Scott -- Good work on that transporter
repair. And in half the estimated time, too.
SCOTTY
Just workin' my usual miracles, Sir.
(MODESTLY)
KIRK
You have some serious competition for the
title of "Miracle Worker" down on that
island, Scotty.
SCOTTY
(DUBIOUS) Aye?
KIRK
(WICKEDLY) Have you ever given any thought
to stocking the engine room with an emergency
supply of coconuts?
SCOTTY
(WONDERING IF THE CAPTAIN HAD BEEN HIT ON THE
READ RECENTLY, POSSIBLY BY A COCONUT)
Coconuts, Sir? The thingies that grow on
trees, Sir?
SOUND EFFECT ALERT: SCOTTY LOOKS
BESEECHINGLY AT SPOCK AND McCOY. (LOOK, JUST
DO IT, OKAY?)
SPOCK
(SOUNDING LIKE SOMEONE SNIFFING A DEAD SKUNK)
This entire episode has been highly
illogical.
McCOY
Yeah, I've had enough for one day. (BEAT)
Even if it was only a three-hour
tour...
MUSIC -- FADES TO...
STAR TREK THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER)
This has been "Tour of Duty", starring:
THE OFFICERS AND CREW OF THE U.S.S.
ENTERPRISE
Also starring:
THE SEVEN CASTAWAYS as themselves
With special appearances by:
SONNY BONO as the TRANSPORTER EFFECT and
DAVY JONES as the COMMUNICATOR
And introducing:
KOKO, THE COCONUT OF A THOUSAND VOICES!
MUSIC (CONTINUES)
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, OVER MUSIC)
This has been a REALLYBADRADIOPLAYS
Production...
MUSIC -- SWELLS
ANNOUNCER (VOICE-OVER, VERY QUICKLY)
No coconuts were harmed during the taping of
this production. One of the sound
technicians got a nasty paper cut and had to
go home early, but that's all.
Really.
_______________________________
"Tour of Duty" is copyrighted 1994,
REALLYBADRADIOPLAYS Productions for the
author, who promised to sue us if we revealed
his/her true identity on the air. Thanks for
listening, and tune in next week for another
REALLYBADRADIOPLAY!