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I must be out of my fucking mind, I think to myself as I stand in front of my home and hold a weepy Fox Mulder in my arms, there is no goddamn way this counts as avoiding all the people that I used to know. With that sobering thought, I release Mulder and take a step back from him, arms dropping uselessly to my sides as I watch him wrap his arms around his middle and hug himself in an attempt to provide the comfort that I can’t…no, won’t and not allowed and don’t need this shit not now and not ever.

“You shouldn’t have come here Agent Mulder,” I tell him softly, trying to take some of the sting out my words with a neutral tone, “I don’t know how you found me, but you should forget that you did. Get back in your car and go--”

“--where? Where am I going to go, Skinner?” Apparently we’re back to cutting each other off and I’ve had just about enough of this volley of conversation. God only knows what kind of tracking device they’ve got implanted in me thanks to the nanocytes or some such shit. “I luh--”

OH no, don’t say it again Mulder…I heard you the first goddamn time and I’m trying to forget it already, I think to myself before I hold my hands up in denial, punctuating the gesture with a rapid shaking of my head, “--No, Mulder. No you don’t. You can’t possibly…you’re just grieving over William’s paternity and-”

“--BULLSHIT! I’ve loved you for years, Walter. Don’t pretend you don’t know or care or feel the same--” and this time when I cut him off, I close the short distance between us by grabbing hold of his shoulders more than firmly and shaking him a bit, as though that might make some sense of this situation.

“--I don’t Mulder…I…I – FUCK!” I shout at the top of my lungs, still shaking his shoulders and noticing how bony he feels beneath my hands, releasing him bodily and turning my back to him while I rub my hands over my face and try to regain some semblance of control. I can still hear his broken breaths behind me, and I clench my jaw so hard that I swear I feel a few teeth crack from the strain. I need to get him the fuck out of here before I lose it...he’s only been here ten minutes and he’s already got me ready to proclaim my undying devotion…GODDAMN him! That’s it…I can’t take this shit. Got to get in touch with my inner AD and send him on his way – got to show some spine, find that never-wavering backbone that served me so well for so many years and get him the hell out of here.

I wheel back around and face him, ignoring the shudders wracking his entire frame and the sniffling and occasional tears still winding their way down his cheeks. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, welcoming the boiling desert air as it fills and then exits my lungs, using that blistering heat to steel my resolve so I can speak once more to his face, “You need to go home, Agent Mulder. Go back to DC - or somewhere – and just…just go on.” There, that’ll do the trick…right?

“I sublet my apartment and sold whatever the new people didn’t want. I have nothing except my suitcase and that godforsaken sedan – they let me keep it as part of my severance package,” he sniffs once more before he brings his hands up to his face and wipes at his face like the errant child he’s always been inside.

“There’s a nice little motel about three-quarters of an hour South of here where you can stay until you figure out what you’re going to do. It’s got efficiency-style accommodations and you can even cook your own food. I have maps inside,” I tell him, crossing my arms and waiting for him to agree. He merely stands his ground and pouts a bit more, hazel eyes burning into me hotter than the sun above. “Wait on the porch and I’ll be right back, Fox. I’ll get you some ice water, too. It’s hot out here today and you might be a little dehydrated at this point,” I finish as I ignore his posturing and make my way up the stairs to my front door.

“Don’t bother,” I hear him mutter behind me and I clench my eyes shut briefly as I make my way into my tiled foyer and head for the kitchen. No need to let him know how much those little digs actually bite, is there Walter? Just get the man some water and a map and get him the hell out of here. Can’t believe how much I’m shaking just from seeing him again…what the fuck does he mean coming out here to find me and tell me he loves me? He’s lost it, I think to myself as I grab a bottled water from my fridge and make my way into my small custom-built office, maps are in the desk drawer…grabbed a few extras last time I was in town in case I did have any visitors…nice to know that 20/20 foresight is still good to go even after all these years…he loves me? LOVES me? Forget it, Walt…just get him the fuck out of here. NOW.

I make my way back to the foyer, practically sliding back out the door to the front porch with the map and the oversized plastic water bottle, glancing to the left and finding him sitting once more on my swing. I take one mother of a deep breath in relief before I try to speak, my words sounding more sure than I feel, “Here’s a map and that water, Agent Mulder. All you have to do is—”

“—save it SIR,” he spits out with his customary brand of infuriating sarcasm, “I passed that motel on the way out here to nowhere…and nothing.” He stands up and takes the two steps necessary to close the gap between us, reaching out for the water and map. I place the items in his outstretched hands, not missing the heat that passes between our momentarily touching fingertips…hungry heat that the dry air swirling invisibly around us both has nothing to do with. “Thanks—” he starts, and I cut him off purposely with a staunch, “You’re welcome, Mulder—” and then he finishes the cutoff exchange, “--for nothing, Skinner.”

He turns and nearly runs to his car, tossing the water bottle and map in the back seat before he sits down and revs up the engine of his car before he’s even shut the door, slamming it as he peals backwards out of my so-called yard. I watch the dust swirl up and get caught in the midday breeze, listening to the gears as he slams the car into drive and guns it, dirt spinning around and around like the wheels of his car as he speeds away from me. It’s for your own good Fox…nothing good can come of your being here. Nothing good can come from your knowing me…not then, not now and not ever, I think to myself as I make my way around to the back of the house with every intention of working on the perimeter fence since my hike has been interrupted.

I peek around the front of the house and make sure he’s out of sight before I fall to my knees in the desert dirt that surrounds me, fists clenched in my lap and tears trailing down my cheeks while the unforgiving sun beats down on my exposed neck, chin to my chest as I allow the silent hitching sobs to kick in. God help me Mulder, I love you too…I always have and I always will but you can’t be here…you can’t be with me and I can’t be with you and oh GOD why did you come here? By the time I get back on my feet and head inside the house, my neck is blistered and my body is on fire – but compared to having seen Mulder and sending him away, I might as well have burned to death…I know my heart already has.

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I can’t remember the last time I felt this weary; it was longer ago than when I was shot in that little café across the street from the JEH Building, and longer still from all the times before that that I’d been abused and tossed aside due to whatever Mulder’s agenda might have been. All I wanted was to hold him close to me, allowing the rest of the harsh outside world to melt away while he rested in my arms…I’ve long figured that might be all it takes to release myself from the hell of the world I knew for so many years – one that continues to haunt most of my waking and dreaming moments…but I can’t let him in. I know I made the right decision, but even recalling our stilted conversation exhausts me that much more. I need to lie down – screw the perimeter fence for today. In fact, fuck it ALL for today; I need a nap. I make my way to my house, brushing the dirt off my faded jeans as I head up the front steps – the same steps where only moments before the future I’d always envisioned for myself stood, arms open and inviting me whole-heartedly in…and turned it all away.

I hit the bathroom, rip off my shirt and drop it to the floor and piss for several long moments, running my left hand over my face while I shake with the right, stepping out of the filthy denim and into as cold a shower as I can run this time of year, not certain if the now-bodily shivering is more from my loss or the water temperature. I rinse off the dust and the salty remnants from my cheeks before I step out, towel off and practically run to my bed. Once on top of the coverlet, I lie and watch the ceiling fan lazily circle above me while I ponder the lump I couldn’t wash from my throat in my impromptu shower. I close my eyes and do my best to rest, frustrated that I can’t will myself into sleep as easily as I could send Fox away. After a time, the fan blades nearly hypnotize me and I do manage to drop off into some semblance of slumber, albeit light.

It’s closer to dusk when I wake though it’s still hot as hell outdoors; the heat makes its way through the walls of my house and I’m glad the swamp cooler is running smoothly. It’s going to suck when the rains come – too fucking humid to run the cooler then, and the a/c is not quite up to par even though the builders assured me it was central air. I think of all this upon waking, trying to shove my thoughts of Mulder away – to no avail. I let Fox go hours ago – no, MADE him get back into his government-issued sedan and make his way back to civilization the only way I knew how. I know it was the right thing to do…goddamn I miss him so much already I could simply stop breathing right now and let it all go, I want him back so badly…

I shake that line of thinking off and sit up, dropping my legs over the side of the bed so my bare feet rest flat on the tiled floor. I lean forward and place my elbows on my knees, drop my face into my open palms and continue to silently lament my loss, shaking my head and trying to clear it after my encounter with Mulder hours earlier. Son of a bitch, Fox…why? Why did you come here? They must have fucking told you not to contact me – of course, when did you ever follow orders?! What the fuck are you doing here in Arizona? Why me? You love me? What…I mean come ON Mulder, get real!!!! It’s been years and you had so much time to tell me before this, right? I mean…OUCH!

Oh God…they told me this could happen and I didn’t believe it. I kept my doors closed and made sure that there were no gaps in the security door and the patio; they aren’t fucking supposed to get IN! But I definitely felt that, and that flick of tail told me all I needed to know; screw getting down on my knees to look under the bed – monsters do exist and one just bit me on the big toe and oh FUCK I don’t have much time now; there’s only so much time one has after being bitten by a rattlesnake and babies have no fucking idea how much venom they’re releasing and that tail wasn’t rattling but the stripes were there and the fangs sunk in because I felt it and oh fuck Fuck FUCK I have to get to the phone.

Calm, gotta’ stay calm because panicking does nothing more than spread the venom faster and oh God why didn’t I put my shoes on right away when I woke up…I don’t remember but please, PLEASE dialing now and I know they’re pretty far out but those sirens will be audible, right? My vision is already blurry but it’s only because my wirerims are on the nightstand, right? It’s not because I’m already dying because I can’t and I pick up the handset and dial 9-1-1 and there’s ringing and then hold music and…HOLD MUSIC??? “FUCK,” I shout as I wait for some voice to come back…come back…shit that hurts and it’s burning up my foot now and oh my God my GOD it fucking hurts and, “9-1-1, what’s your location?”

I’m shaking so hard – shock has already set in, goddamn desert and goddamn reptiles and why the fuck did I decide to move out here to the middle of fucking nowhere and I sent Fox away and oh God I’m going to die out here alone now…“Please,” I manage to gasp out, “trace…snakebite…hurts so fucking bad please…”

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t understand you…where are you calling from? The computer isn’t picking up your signal and I need to keep you on the line…”

“Sssssssnake,” I say weakly, my entire body shaking in what must be convulsions as the bitch on the other end of the line continues to try to assess my location.

“Sir? SIR? Is there a snake in your house? You need to contact the fire department for snake removal, we don’t…sir?”

“Ssssssssnnnnuuuhhhh…” I hear my voice trail off at the same time I hear my front door burst open in what sounds vaguely like distant fireworks.

“Walter!” Something familiar rings in my head as the phone is grabbed out of my hand, and then the inside of my room and everything else…fades to black.

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Three Days Later…

What a fucking nightmare I had! I was sitting in my bed and all of a sudden there was this prick in my foot and I called for help and they wanted me to tell them my location but I was so tired I couldn’t help and then my door was kicked in and then…and then…I open my eyes and look around my bedroom. My room? Where the fuck AM I? And then I look to my left and there’s some tired old plastic chair with someone I am pretty sure is…Fox? FOX? What the FUCK??? Oh my God…that prick in my foot…and 911 was asking for…for something and then…and then…oh no…nuuhhhh…

“Fuh…Fox?” I manage weakly, watching as his eyes immediately open and he comes to attention way too quickly for a mere friend watching over a friend – in my opinion, anyway – sitting up in the chair and smiling just a bit too quickly for my comfort. “Sir…uh, Walter, it’s me Fox…you got bitten by a snake, sir.”

“Really…thanks, Mulder,” I say as sarcastically as I can muster in my weakened state, “Are you going to repair my front door too?” I husk out before a coughing fit steals the rest of my breath. I watch as he jumps up and grabs the water pitcher, sloppily pouring me a cup and holding the straw out towards my now-parched lips in offering.

“I’ll do whatever it takes Sir,” he says with nothing less than complete diligence in his voice…so much so that I have no choice but to swallow harshly and nod once at him in acquiescence as he refills my cup once its empty. “Whatever it takes, Walter. I’m here and I’m not leaving you. Not now, and not ever…just look at what happened to you without me.”

“Mulder,” I croak out from betwixt blistered lips, “I’ve been doing just fine without for you quite some time now,” I finish with a hoarse cough.

“Yeah, I know Walter,” he says as he raises first one and then two daring eyebrows at me, continuing only when my grim smile is overtaken by more hacking, “And you obviously need me around now because you’re in your golden years and really should have someone to look after you,” he finishes, only momentarily disturbed by my continued hacking and broken breaths.

“Fuh…fuhhh,” I attempt, only to be foiled by his tsk-tsking, “Honestly Walter, a man in your condition can’t afford such pleasantries as wasted curses…just relax and let me tend to you…okay?” He finishes with those pouty lips purposely near my left ear and I have, of course, no choice but to follow along.

“Okay,” I whisper to him as he leans over me from the cheap orange plastic chair he’s been sitting in, a gleam in those hazel eyes that I haven’t seen in more years than I care to remember, “You win,” I whisper as he closes said orbs and smiles above me. “You win,” I whisper once more, closing my eyes and curling my lips up as he offers me a quick nip on the lobe of my left ear, sending me to the most peaceful rest I’d had since…since…ever.

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