Date: February 4^th, 2002

Author: Jvantheterrible

Summary: J/B, from Jim's POV.

Rating: R, for…well, for language and angst and sad shit. And m/m relations implied.

Disclaimer: Belong to Petfly & co. I miss them. No monies, etc. THIS IS NOT A DEATH STORY, despite its insistence to become one. It's close, but not quite…Sorry, but I had a horrible day today, and I'm really frustrated that I haven't been able to write anything lately. I successfully fought off the DeathMuse! This is the only thing that came to me…hey - I hate THINKING this stuff, too. Takes a WAYYYY different spin on TSbBS.

MAJOR h/c. Bad muse…maybe this will get rid of the demons running around in my heart - and my mind - today. Being Bi-Polar sucks sometimes.

I was standing in Simon's office when I heard the trigger in the back of my mind. I looked out the window just in time to see the bullett whizzing through the air and heading straight for us. I didn't even think as I dove forward and caught the Captain off-guard like a sacking quarterback, knocking him to the floor beneath me. I screamed as loud as I could to everyone, "Get Down! Incoming!" For a moment, it was almost like I was back in Peru…and then the harbinger of death slammed through the double-paned glass of Simon's office and penetrated the glass door on the opposite side of the room. I listened to the shrieks and thuds of people hitting the floors where they stood, rolling off of Simon bodily long enough to creep back up to a kneeling position and train my sight back out the window towards the gunman - of course it was Zoeller.

I saw his sick fucking grin even as he grabbed up his gun and took off across the rooftop, and I sprinted through Simon's newly hollowed out doorframe, following the sounds of moaning and sobs left in the trail of what was surely another teflon-coated surprise. It seemed that only a couple of officers had been tagged by the bullet and for the most part, everyone seemed stable. Pulling my gun from its holster as I continued my trek down the hallway, intending to take all 8 flights of stairs down in pursuit of the German asshole, I stopped in my tracks when I heard Megan's unmistakeable wailing, "Sandy! Oh Sandy, no!" My heart leapt into my throat at that instant - I hadn't even scented his blood - and I allowed my gun to drop to the floor as I rounded the last cubicle hindering my view of where Conner rested. On the floor. On her knees. Pressing both of her hands to my Guide's chest as tears streamed down her cheeks and her head shook violently back and forth.

"Sandburg," I whispered as I dropped to my knees next to my Guide and pushed Conner away gently yet forcefully, not even noticing her curses as she fell back onto her ass and watched me take over her ministrations. "Blair, come on buddy, stay with me," I leaned down and murmured to him as I pressed on his chest, not even capable of feeling the warmth of the blood that seeped from the wound, so focused was I on that heartbeat and keeping him breathing, keeping him with me.

"Chief, don't do this to me…don't do this to us," I said quietly, not even noticing the tears that poured from my own eyes and splashed down on his cheeks. I realized then that I hadn't even had a chance to apologize to him for treating him like shit for the last several days…truth be told, the last couple of years…and I had so much to tell him. So many things I'd meant to share with him, so many things I had yet to disclose. Goddammit, he may have called off his dissertation, but I wasn't about to let him call us off. I'm sure he had thousands more tests to do on me…and I swore at that moment that I'd never, EVER, complain about another one if he'd only stay. Stay with me.

"Stay with me here, Darwin. I'm ready to take that trip with you, Blair. Please," I sobbed as I pressed as hard as I could on his chest to try and stem the flow of crimson that struggled upwards beneath my palms. His blue eyes fluttered several times at the sound of my voice, and he finally managed to open those gorgeous azure orbs and look up at me, albeit foggily, before his lips began to open and close as though he were trying to speak.

"Ssssh, it's okay baby, you're going to be fine Blair, just breathe for me…that's it," I coaxed him as I attempted a smile that must have looked more like a grimace at the time. "Don't try to talk, the ambulance is on its way - I can hear the sirens, buddy," I assured him. The little shit never did listen to me all that much; he managed to hoarsely gasp my name.

"Juh…Jim," Blair gasped, coughing up a few drops of blood onto his chin as he spoke, making me cry that much harder and apply even more pressure to his chest. I worried that I would break his ribs, but it was my Primal Imperative to keep my Guide with me…no matter what…and I watched in a trance as my tears kept dripping onto his cheeks and he continued to attempt speech. "Huh…hurts, man," he managed, his own tears sliding down to mingle with the bit of red on his chin before dripping down onto his flannel shirt collar.

"I know, baby, I know it does…but you just hang on and everything will be fine…I'm ready to take that trip, Blair. All the way, okay?" I asked him, and he actually managed a half-smile before he closed his eyes and went limp beneath my hands. I would like to say that I kept my cool, but this was not a situation where 'cool' really held a lot of steam. I screamed his name at the top of my lungs and threw myself bodily on top of him, still pressing down on his chest as I nuzzled at his neck and sniffed his hair and kissed his cheek, oblivious to the stares and whispers that barely penetrated my BlairZone. I absorbed all of him that I could - even as his heartbeat slowed threateningly.

It took roughly three paramedics and four cops to pull me off of him once the EMT's arrived. Simon had since come into the room - unnoticed by me, of course - and along with comforting Conner, made sure that I was transported directly behind the ambulance. I didn't speak for hours; at least that's what Simon told me when I finally surfaced six hours later, having focused solely on my Guide's beloved heartbeat, ignoring the other members of Major Crimes that had stopped by to check on Blair. The only thing that mattered was that one rhythm…and I made sure that I heard each beat, no matter how slow during surgery - until he was wheeled into his own room. Critical Condition, they said. 50/50 chance, they said. They didn't know my Guide. My Blair…my other half…my love.

I hadn't moved from Sandburg's side, despite Simon's and Joel's and Rafe's and Henri's and Conner's (she'd since forgiven me for knocking her aside while in BP mode) insistence that I leave to at least shower. I clutched Blair's limp left hand between both of mine constantly, refusing to let go for a moment - even when the nurses came in to check his BP and stats. I held on stubbornly, afraid that if I let go for even a fraction of a second, he might wake and not know that I was there.

He needed to know that I was there no matter what, and I was determined to be by his side when he finally breached consciousness. The doctors informed me that he was in a light coma due to blood loss; one of his lungs had collapsed when the bullet pierced it, forcing stress on the rest of his body to make up for the oxygen and fluid loss. I had merely nodded grimly and remained where I sat, clutching his hand in mine, willing him to open his eyes - for no matter how briefly - just to let me know that he was alright. So far, that hadn't happened…but I was focused on that beloved heartbeat, and it got stronger each hour. As did my still unspoken love for him.

"Not much longer, sweetheart," I whispered into his left ear as I leaned over his bedside and released his hand with one of my own long enough to push some errant curls behind his ear before once again enclosing his hand between both of mine. "Not much longer until you know just how I feel about you…I won't wait this time, Blair, I promise," I cooed to him, choking up for the umpteenth time in the past two days when no response was forthcoming. "Blair, please," I begged him as I allowed my tears to fall unchecked; I couldn't remember ever crying so much before in my life as I had these past couple days. "I need you, Chief. I'm so sorry…about the way I've been treating you. You didn't deserve that, Sandburg. I respect you so much…do you have any idea?" I asked the prone form lying in front of me, dismayed further when he still refused to acknowledge me.

"Even that day that I shoved you up against the wall in your own office and called you a…a…neo-hippie witchdoctor punk," I managed before my voice broke, memories of his animated features flooding into my brain as I closed my eyes and let the dam flow yet again. Goddammit, how had this happened? When had I become a basket case for Blair Sandburg? I knew the answer already, deep in the recesses of my own primitive throwback mind; since said neo-hippie witchdoctor punk had wormed his way first into my life, then into my home, and finally into my heart…some four years previous.

"Chief," I whispered brokenly to him, "I love you. I've loved you ever since that first day we met, truth be told…when you threw me under that damned garbage truck. I'd never felt as grounded and comfortable with this…this 'gift' that you called it…as I felt that first day, and every day since. Please, please just come back to me, Blair. I miss you, baby. I need you," I finished with a whisper, dropping my head to rest on our joined hands as I allowed myself to cry freely once more.

It took me several minutes to come out of my own grief before I realized that Blair Sandburg, Anthropologist Extraordinaire, was actually clutching my hand in response. When I finally managed to pull myself together and look up from where my gaze had dropped, the sight that met my Sentinel gaze was all too intense; I nearly Zoned on my Guide as I had three days previous, only this time he was awake. Indigo eyes blinked slowly open and remained focused on me after several seconds of fluttering. There was only one word that managed to keep me centered, focused on where I was and what was happening, and Blair uttered it. Softly, yet loud enough to echo in the recesses of my mind, I heard the velvet voice that had so often kept me grounded in the here and now instead of being lost in the moment.

"Jim." I beamed a million-megawatt smile down at him before my faucet once more turned on, salty tears - of happiness, for a change - dripping down to land on his cheeks and mingle with his before falling down each side of his lovely face to soak into his pillow and now-tangled curls.

"Yeah, Chief, I'm here. I missed you, buddy," I murmured to him, "I missed you so much Blair," I managed to get out before the lump in my throat choked me to the point of incoherence. I dropped my chin to my chest and closed my eyes and struggled to keep the sobs in as I listened to my Guide speak for the first time in nearly three days.

"Missed…you, too," he croaked. I could feel his gaze burning into my scalp and I forced myself to look up, my guilt-ridden indigo eyes meeting innocent and wide-eyed turquoise ones. At that moment, nothing else mattered in the entire universe…Sentinel bonded with Guide in nearly every way possible; there were no more hidden innuendos, no more denials of friendship or kinship or love between partners.

"I love you, Chief," I said to him, finally finding my voice so that I could declare my feelings unabatedly, "I'm sorry…for everything…and I'm so glad that you're here," I told him, even as I felt my cheeks heating up with forbidden embarassment.

He closed his eyes for a long moment before re-opening them, glazed over with moisture even as his lips broke into a full-fledged grin, "Glad to be here too, man," he said, taking a deep but still-rasping breath as he finished, coughing harshly with his admission. I clasped his left hand - that I still held firmly - until he was finished, the concern crinkled across my forehead vanishing instantly when Blair reached tenderly up with his right forefinger and pressed at said wrinkles until I relaxed, allowing my features to go lax with his touch.

"That's buh - better, man," he said softly, and I allowed myself to laugh, for the first time in weeks, the last of my tears drying as I continued to gaze down on his beautiful face. His nose wrinkled up a bit then, and I felt him swallow heavily before attempting to speak once more, "Need a shuh-hower, man," he finished with a slight gleam in his still-weak gaze. I couldn't help myself; I laughed. I released the horror of the past three days with a 'whoosh' of air and a smile that I hadn't meant in months, but felt soundly now that Blair was back with me. He looked up at me from his bed a bit quizzically, but eventually grinned as best as he could moments later, getting the joke and reveling in it with me.

"Okay, Darwin, you got it," I chuckled at him, wincing as I allowed my senses to open for the first time in days…and got the first whiff of myself. "You're right, babe…I need a shower." I froze for a moment then, concerned that he would freak out at my use of the word 'babe' in reference to him…and relaxed immediately at his warm and inviting smile. "Yuh…you called me buh…babe," he whispered as he looked lovingly up at me, and I melted instantly.

"Yeah, I did call you babe, Sandburg," I replied quietly, waggling my eyebrows at him as I attempted to stand, stopping only when I felt his strengthening grip pull my knuckles towards his lips so he could press a chaste kiss there before releasing my hand once more. Shocked to silence, I merely drank in his gaze for many more seconds…before I allowed myself to lean down and place a gentle kiss on his left cheek. I revelled in the fact that he closed his eyes to enjoy it fully as I brought myself back up to a standing position, watching his features as he absorbed the intensity of the contact before once more meeting my eyes.

"You're so beautiful, Chief," I said automatically, instantly feeling the tips of my ever-exposed ears burn with embarassment…what if he didn't feel the same way? What if he hated me for the way I'd treated him the past several weeks…no, years? What if he wanted to leave me and pick up on another subject to study and write about? What if…what if…my rampant mind was laid to rest when I caught his harshly whispered reply moments later.

"Juh-him," Blair forced out, and I laid my index finger against the bridge of his nose to smooth down the crease of stress that accompanied his utterance, effectively easing the wrinkles of stress that would have interfered with his own admittance, allowing him to continue on. "Yuh-you are so buh…beau…tiful to me," he murmured, and I felt goosebumps break out along every inch of my flesh as he struggled to go on - and did, "Luh…love you, muh…han," he finished as he gasped for air.

"Sssshh, baby, rest now, Blair," I told him as I once again fought off tears, "You need to save your strength, sweetheart. I'll be here when you wake up. Always, babe. Always," I reiterated once more, this time allowing my tears to fall unabashedly as I watched his beautiful face relax and drift off into unencumbered slumber. "Always be here for you, Chief," I told him as I relinquished my grip on his left hand, smiling to myself as I felt his fingers squeeze mine once, solidly, before his own grip relaxed and rested.

Content that my partner was safe, I allowed myself to get up, releasing his left hand for the first time in three days. I stretched bodily and headed into the hospital room's bathroom, stripping my clothes with a fervor and lust that I hadn't felt in weeks. As I turned on the spigot, I smiled while I climbed into the shower. My other half rested in the other room…but soon - SOON - we would wash one another of the evils that existed to keep us apart. Soon we would realize our shared existence and become one, despite the forces that threatened to separate us. Soon, Sentinel and Guide would merge, and all would be well in Cascade. And the universe.

The End. <sigh> I just LOOOOOVE happy endings. Don't you?