10 Things To Do With Those Free AOL Discs

Okay. Everyone who has never recieved an AOL CD in the mail, raise your hand. Okay, looks like we got one person, and he's a pymgy from Papua New Guinea.

With a marketing plan that borrows liberally from the black plague, AOL has inserted itself into the hearts and minds of the American public like no ISP before it. While its detractors claim that AOL is 'Internet For Dummies', you have to credit them with nearly single-handedly popularizing the World Wide Web, which is ironic considering the seeming reluctance AOL has with allowing its subscribers to interface with it.

Well, with the purchase of Netscape, AOL is quickly solidifying its position as a legitimate Internet Service Provider. What does this mean to you and me? Hell, I don't know. I'm not an economics professor. But what I do know is that in the last 2 years, I have been buried up to my ass in AOL system discs. It seems that you can't subscribe to a magazine, buy something online, or even pick up your damn mail without one of these four inch round plastic demons landing in your lap. I used to throw them away, but then I thought. 'Hey,' all my inner monologues begin like that. 'Hey,' I says 'Instead of pitching this worthless CD, why not put them to good use?' Of course, this bit of bright optimism was soon humbled by the crushing lead weight of 'Okay. Now what?'

Well, after many trips to the library, and not a few to the bathroom, Destroy All Monsters has come up with a list of several uses for the ubiquitous AOL 'Free Trial' Disc. All of these have been rigorously tested in the Destroy All Monsters Scientific Research and Development labs, located two miles beneath Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado. Remember, we're not responsible for any mishaps caused by misuse of this information, and don't forget to use the blue plastic scissors.

1.) Coasters - This one's a no brainer. The disc is just the right size for a large beer stein, and is made of highly moisture-resistant plastic. Just be sure that none of the condensation leaks through the hole in the middle of the disc, creating unsightly moisture rings on your nice coffee table.

2.) Ghetto Earrings - If you're like me, nothing turns you on like a woman in pink hot-pants and 30 pounds of solid gold hanging off her ears. Call me sleazy I guess. Well, in what was obviously a keen fashion decision, AOL version 5.0 discs are silver, and the now hard to find 4.0 discs are gold. Just drill a hole along one edge, insert an earring post, and you're good to go, girl!

3.) Miniature Frisbee-Golf Discs - Having been introduced to the fine sport of frisbee golf about a year ago, I can't help but think how much fun it would be to play 'miniature frisbee golf'. Can you whisk the AOL disk between the whirling wooden blades of the windmill? How about riccocheting a bank shot off a tree and into the clown's gaping maw on hole 18? AOL discs are both cheaper and lighter than regular frisbee-golf discs. This is a gold mine waiting to happen, people.

4.) Self-Defense Mechanism - All you need for this little number is a nail-file and some masking tape. File down one edge of the disc until it is razor sharp, then wrap masking tape around the other edge, creating a handle. Now you've got yourself a little wedge-shaped knife, perfect for slitting the throats of would-be assailants. Back off, sucka!

5.) Pizza Cutter - Okay, this is basically the same as above, except instead of killing people, you can use it to serve up hot, delicious pizza-pie! The rounded edge makes a perfect cutting tool for this baked delicacy.

6.) Christmas Tree Ornament - As displayed in the photo at right, this is a fun project for the kids. Simply take a pair of stout metal scissors and cut the AOL disc from the outside to the inward edge, moving in a slow spiral. It takes a little time, but the effect is worth it! Simply attach a paper clip to the center, and voila! Christmas, AOL-style! (Click picture for larger image)

7.) Doctor's Reflective Eyepiece - Remember those metal mirrors doctors used to wear around their heads before small head-mounted lights were widely available? Well, not everyone has a small head-mounted light handy, and you never know when you're going to have to perform an emergency tracheotomy on your sister. Just grab a sweatband, a wire coathanger and an old AOL disk, and there you go! Just make sure to face the reflective side away from your face, or it won't work.

8.) Post-Apocalyptic Currency - When the nuclear holocaust comes, the world will need a new currency. Since every household in the country has at least a few of these CD's lying around, they would make an ideal substitute for the old paper money. And they already have numbers printed on them! 4.0 could be singles, and 5.0 could be fivers...I guess..."I'll trade you three AOL 5.0's for three gallons of water and a can of dog food!"

9.) Emergency Locator - Hey, you never know when that charted flight to Morocco wil crash, dumping you ass-deep in the Sahara desert. You should always carry a means of signalling low-flying aircraft and the AOL disk proves idel for this purpose. Just aim it skyward and quickly rotate it back and forth to create an oscillating reflection sure to catch the eye of any passing pilot. Remember, the water only lasts so long...

10.) Install AOL - God knows why you would want to do this. It's like willingly becoming one of those Pod People from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. But, if you must, you must...

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