...this is FRED DOYLE, and this issue I have juicy tidbits about the hottest properties in Tinseltown. Let's start with STAR WARS: EPISODE 2...First, I want to talk about all these Leotardo DiCrapio rumors flying around...I can't no way see LD playing Darth Vader. Have you seen the size of his mellon? JEEZUS CRIMINY! Maybe if they CGI his head so's it'll fit on the screen...take a look at this doodle-by-way-of-illustration. I think this says it all...

What more needs to be said? Look at that smarmy grin, the clawlike hands clutching his oversized paycheck...And while I'm on the subject of Star Wars, what's up with George Lucas? I used to think he was this Jolly, Santa-Claus-like filmmaker, up on his Skywalker ranch, pumping dreams outta his ass like coffee cake. Now I hear he's destroying all of the remaining prints of the original, that is NON-SPECIAL-ADDITION Star Wars...ex-squeeze me, but I thought the idea of SPECIAL-ADDITION was to RESTORE and PRESERVE the original films. I am feeling very lied to right now. Here's my word to Lucas: GET OVER IT! THE MOVIES ARE MADE! IN THE CAN!

...X-MEN...can we all just stop now? I've seen the costumes. I've seen the actors IN THE COSTUMES. They look fine...better than fine, actually. Think about it. Ever seen that guy that MARVEL dresses up as Wolverine at all the comic book conventions? I don't want to see that on screen, and NEITHER DO YOU! You wanna see 'em? Here, this is the link over at AINT IT COOL NEWS.

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=5053

There, see? The world didn't end, did it? All of you people bitching about the costumes are forgetting one thing. THE X-MEN COMIC SUCKS! It hasn't been any good since 1987...GET OVER IT! You wanna know how they could make the X-MEN comic good again? Cancel every single X-Men title except for UNCANNY X-MEN...focus all your talent on that one book, and there you go...unfortunately, you'd then be killing MARVEL's cash cow.

Well, that's all the time I got for now. If I see you in my alley off La Cienega, I'll cut ya good. Bastards..

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