A little preface, for those unknowing souls. Some time back, PETA started a little 'Milk Sucks' campaign on college campuses, during which they passed out bottle openers that said 'Don't Drink Milk' or some such gobbledeygook, the clear subtext being, of course, that you should be drinking beer, not milk. Seeing this as a good opportunity for mirth, I hopped to it. Here's my e-mail and the response.

From: :musashi74@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 13, 2000 9:39 AM
To: info@peta-online.org
Subject: Milk Bad Beer Good
Hey, guys. I recently became aware of your anti-milk campaign (thanks to that cool PETA bottle opener I got from you guys), and I decided to get > involved, so I went out and bought $350 worth of malt liquor and went around my dorm and gave it to anyone who would bring me the milk from their fridge. You wouldn't believe the response I got! I must've carted off 40 cartons of milk! I had to be a little on the QT because, you know, some of these people were underage and all, but I think everyone was able to keep it under wraps. But the word is out! Some of them were kinda like 'what do I put in my cereal? Beer?' but I just told them they could use soy milk...or beer, I guess. But I just wanted to congradulate you on a real successful campaign, I know that a lot of people here at school are going to cut back on their milk and drink more beer!

Alex

Thanks for your note to PETA. Out of respect for Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), PETA has pulled the "Got...Beer?" materials from college campuses. Of course, we don't believe college students who wouldn't otherwise be drinking beer would decide to start, simply because we point out that even beer is more nutritious than milk!
We'll continue the "Dump Dairy" Campaign but from a different angle, focusing attention back on the suffering inflicted on cows and calves in the dairy industry. You can view our new campaign materials at http://www.milksucks.com/dump.html .

Obviously, by comparing milk and beer, our aim was not to promote beer drinking. Most people who were upset hadn't had the opportunity to review our materials. We made a point of stressing that PETA recommends fruit juices, soy milk, and mineral water--even soda--over milk OR beer. We invoked beer simply to make the point that milk is so awful that even a glass of beer--certainly no health food -is a better choice than a glass of milk! Had we used soda instead of beer, there would have been no press for this issue, of course. As it stands, the widespread media interest allowed us to draw attention to the downside of dairy, something that, until then, many people had heard little about (on most shows, after the criticism, we were able to address the facts!). It also gave MADD a far greater opportunity to address its concerns over drunk driving and underage drinking than they have ever had, just prior to a St. Patrick's Day! As a goodwill gesture, we also added a link from our Web site to MADD's Web site and have presented MADD with a $500 donation collected from PETA employees.

While the dairy industry spends approximately $300 million every year to convince consumers that dairy products are healthy, more and more doctors and nutritionists are recommending that we banish milk from our diets altogether, because it's loaded with fat and cholesterol and has been linked to diabetes, heart disease, allergies, certain cancers, asthma, and even osteoporosis, the very disease it's supposed to prevent. (Milk's high-protein content leaches calcium from the body; population studies, backed up by a groundbreaking Harvard study of more than 75,000 nurses, suggest that this actually causes osteoporosis.) The world's most renowned expert on child care, the late Dr. Benjamin Spock, recommended that parents raise children on a diet free of cow's milk and pointed out that it's easier and safer to get calcium solely from vegetables, beans, peas, broccoli, and other plant-based sources. Cow's milk, after all, is designed for baby cows, who have four stomachs, double their weight in 47 days, and weigh 300 pounds within a year. Realizing how cows suffer in the dairy industry should make anyone lactose intolerant! Today's mother cow is treated as a milk machine--chained by her neck in a concrete stall for months. Cows give milk for the same reasons humans do--for their babies. To keep milk production high, cows are kept pregnant by artificial insemination. Their male calves are taken away and chained inside cramped dark crates to be killed for veal. The milk nature meant for them ends up on our supermarket shelves. PETA urges everyone, beer-drinkers included, to drink responsibly. Where milk is concerned, there's no such thing!

Sincerely, Alison Green
Correspondent
www.peta-online.org

From: garzy@poo.co.uk
To: some.might.say@theoasis.force9.co.uk
Subject: READ THIS
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 08:32:10 +0000 (GMT)

where did you get my address from coz now i got shitloads of e-mails from a bunch of oasis geeks fair enogh they are the greatest band but i have a load of daft cunts asking me when the next date they will be playing in california i live in newcastle upon tyne, byker and how the fuck am i gonna know or even care where they are playing all i know is that they are playing at murryfeild and i got tickets and am gonna fuckin' large it cheers

GARZY

Right on, brother. I got me tickets for Indiannapolis, but I don't think it's legal to 'large it' in public there, so I'll have to settle for yelling at the band from the balcony. (You know, everyone on the Oasis mailing list got mad at this poor sod, but, really, this is the only e-mail I saw that was in the spirit of the band. Well, you know what they say: fuck 'em if they can't take a joke...)

I'm sure that all of you were distressed by the news that Kathie Lee Gifford was leaving 'Live With Regis and Kathie Lee'. Well, so was I. So, I decided to step up to the plate and offer my services to the show. Take a look:

I heard that Kathie Lee is leaving the show. This is sad, she is a very pretty and talented lady. And classy too. Anyway, can I be the new co-host? I am funny and talented (in my own quirky way), and feel that I would be a perfect foil for Regis' wacky demeanor. I really like his other show, 'Who Wants To Be a Millionare' and I think I could probably get to the $32,000 mark without using a lifeline. I hope Regis doesn't leave also, because youj are already going to have to call the show 'Live with Regis' and if he leaves, you'll have to call it 'Live', which (frankly) is a sucky name for a show. Anyway, please consider my offer. I have no television experience, and I don't know if that's a factor, but I have been to New York a couple of times, and I like it a lot. (P.S. Will I be paid to be a co-host? I mean, I know Kathie Lee make clothes and Regis has his other show, so I'm thinking maybe they do 'Live' out of sheer love, and do the other stuff to pay the bills. Please let me know so I can budget this accordingly. Also, I will be commuting from Ohio. Thanks!)

Musashi74@hotmail.com

Well, I'm not sure how that went over:

From: Disney Online Guest Services
Save Address Block Sender Reply-To: Disney Online Guest Services
To: The Web
Re: WWW Note for RKL

Dear Viewer

Thanks for taking the time to write to us, and for watching and supporting LIVE. Thank you for your recent e-mail to "LIVE with Regis & Kathie Lee." While we appreciate your comments and suggestions, we are currently unable to answer each and every e-mail individually due to the high volume of correspondence. However, we are happy to pass along your message accordingly.

Hmm, looks like a followup will be necessary. And since this is Disney (and you all know how much I hate Disney...), I intend to ride this crazy wave to the bitter end. Stay tuned.

This was sent to me at work from Electronic Arts tech support:

Hello, Enclosed below is an automated troubleshooting response consisting of all of the most common problems we have seen with this title. We have found that these steps will help to resolve 80-90% of our customer's difficulties. Please see if your difficulty is described below and make sure to try all corresponding troubleshooting steps. If your issue is not listed or this troubleshooting doesn't help to resolve your difficulty, simply reply to this message (please don't change the subject line) and a product support technician will be responding within 48 hours, Monday-Friday. Also include a brief summary of your status in your reply, as well as the following information: (etc, etc, etc...)

Anyway, it's not that funny until you know that this was a response from an e-mail I sent that began "Ha, Ha, Ha you bastards!" and followed that by pasting a scathing article regarding their handling of Ultima IX: Ascension. Huh? I insult them and they respond by sending me tech support info? I guess the answer-bots weren't feeling very vociferous that day.

All material © 2000 Destroy All Monsters