Destroy All Monsters 2000 Trailer Review

The summer movie season is nearly upon us, and all the big American studios are scrambling to get their trailers out there to build up buzz for their respective films. Trailers have one purpose; to fill theater seats on opening weekend, and these days a trailer can make or break a film.

With the '2000 Trailer Review' Destroy All Monsters takes a look at the summer's biggest films, and we'll tell you what works...and what doesn't.

1.) Shadow of the Vampire
What the movie is about: In 1922, German filmmaker FW Murnau produced what remains to this day the most frightening vampire film of all time, Nosferatu. But what if his leading man, Max Schreck, were a real vampire...

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: Man, another vampire movie? Well, at least John Malkovitch is in it. But his German accent is baaaaad.

Review: This trailer is really good. This film probably won't appeal to everyone, but geeky film fans will love it. The trailer shows a real witty sense of humor, especially in the closing tag line: "How dare you destroy my photographer? Why not the script girl? Schreck replies: I'll eat her later!" Funny... Willem DaFoe actually shows promise as Schreck. The trailer's too short, though.

Score 7 (out of 10)

2.) U-571
What the movie is about: During World War II (that's the one where we beat up the Germans and Japanese real good, for you history buffs...) an American commando team is sent aboard a German U-Boat to capture a decoding device. They get stranded aboard the enemy sub when their ride gets deep-sixed, and have to outwit both the Germans and the Americans to make it home alive.

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: Lotsa Germans get blowed up real good for two hours. Oh man, Jon Bon Jovi is in this? Christ!

Review: I'm a sucker for WWII action, and since Saving Private Ryan made me feel bad when people got shot, this'll have to do. Unfortunately, this trailer is your basic montage of people shooting each other, running, diving, yelling melodromatic stuff like 'Quick, we gotta move, or we're dead!'. You get the picture. Not something I'd line up for on opening day, but I'll definitely see it.

Score 7 (out of 10)

3.) Gladiator
What the movie is about: Wow, this summer is big on history lessons. Anyway, Gladiator is the story of a Roman general (manly man Russell Crowe) who is forced to become a lowly Gladiator, and then consequently kills everyone who ever crossed him to become, in classic Roman terms, 'Da Man'.

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: Men wearing skirts (mmm...leather) bash each other for sport. Hey didn't I already see Fight Club? Dude, lions rock!

Review: Now THIS is an opening day film. Let's see, Russell Crowe, Ridley Scott, Gladiators, a CGI Roman Coleseum in full glory...what's not to like? This trailer gives you the skinny without letting too much out of the gates, something more trailers ought to do.

Score 9 (out of 10)

4.) Shaft
What the movie is about: Samuel L. Jackson replaces Richard Roundtree in this remake of the classic Blaxploitation flick Shaft. 'Shaft is one bad mutha--Watch yo mouth...Hey, I'm talkin' bout Shaft, baby...'

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: Cool! They made a sequel to 'Pulp Fiction', except, where's Samuel's cool jerry curl?

Review: When will Hollywood learn to let good movies exist on their own merits. Yeah, Shaft is older than most Hollywood exec's prostate conditions, but damn, Foo...did we really need a remake? Especially one that features Busta Rhymes? Me thinketh not...

Score 4 (out of 10)

5.) Mission Impossible 2
What the movie is about: Tom Cruise returns as superspy Ethan Hunt as the Mission Impossible team tries to save the world from a terrorist supervirus. Pretty standard, but the real draw here is that Hong Kong director John Woo is now at the helm.

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: Tom Cruise is an extreme mountain climber who gets mixed up with some crazy spies and then races cars for their team.

Review: Well, the first thirty seconds looked like a Mountain Dew commercial which morphed into an Oakely sunglasses commercial. After that, it's pretty schmoove sailin'...lots of John Woo-esque gunplay and kung-fu. This movie looks very promising.

Score 7 (out of 10)

6.) Titan A.E.
What the movie is about: After Earth is wiped out by an alien race, humankind is forced to find a new home. The key to this search lies with a young man (voiced by Matt Damon), who bears a strange marking on his hand.

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: It's about time they made a Space Ace movie. The animation's so good, it HAS to be Disney! But wait, where are the singing and dancing bedpans?

Review: If this movie does well, it could very well end the stranglehold Disney has over American animation. While this is reason enough for me to go see it, the movie has to stand on its own, and this trailer makes me believe that it does. From the looks of it, Titan A.E. is a straightforward sci-fi action/adventure movie, with no song and dance numbers to interrupt the film, much like the excellent but tragically ignored Iron Giant.

Score 8 (out of 10)

7.) Battlefield Earth
What the movie is about: See above. Well, okay there are differences. Based on the L. Ron Hubbard (father of Scientology) novel of the same name, Battlefield Earth chronicles the struggle of Johnny 'Goodboy' Tyler (yes, that's the name) as he struggles against the aliens who have enslaved the human race. Look for main baddie Terl, played by actor/scientologist John Travolta.

What the trailer made me think the movie was about: A crazed special effects technician gets a hold of a mega-big budget and makes a movie. Audience gets ripped off in process.

Review: Well, It shore is flashy, ain't it? This trailer seems hell-bent on hammering two things into your head. #1 - John Travolta dressed up as an alien. Trust me, he's creepy enough without the makeup. And #2 - The Budget. Hey, I don't care if a movie costs $10 billion dollars, as long as its solid. And this doesn't look it...

Score 3 (out of 10)

8.) Ready to Rumble
What the movie is about: Two losers (David Arquette and Scott Caan) try to convince their wrestling hero (Oliver Platt) to step back in the ring after a crushing defeat.

What the trailer made me think it was about: Dude! Goldberg and Sting are in this...and that 1-800-CALL-ATT guy! Dude! Wrestling rocks! Chicks...!

Review: I'm not really a wrestling fan, but I can understand the appeal. WCW is basically a live action comic, complete with steroid addled spandex junkies, so I guess that's it. Most people find him annoying, but I actually kinda think David Arquette is funny, much in the way that four year olds on crack are funny; you understand the social damage being done, but you can't help but laugh (c'mon, you're with me on this, right?!?). Anyway, this movie looks funny on a 'Dumb and Dumber' kinda level. Any trailer which can make this premise look good must be a decent trailer.

Score 8 (out of 10)

9.) Patriot
What the movie is about: Mel Gibson stars in this historical picture about the American Revolution. Basically, an American colonist decides to take up arms against the British after his family is slain.

What the trailer made me think it was about: Mel Gibson's family gets whacked...again. He gets mad...again. And kills people...again. Haven't I seen this before?

Review: Hey, I love this country as much as the next guy (unless the next guy happens to be Rush Limbaugh), but c'mon...Mel Gibson seems to be doing a re-hash of Braveheart. He is a one man cottage-industry of 'dudes who kill the dudes that killed/harrased their family' movies. I'm bored. Not to mention the fact that this movie was directed by Roland Emmerich Remember Independence Day? Remember (shudder) Godzilla? Yeah, THAT Roland Emmerich... At least his little butt-buddy Dean Devlin isn't in tow to smear excrement all over this production, so maybe it won't totally suck-ass. But I remain skeptical.

Score 4 (out of 10)

10.) Gone in 60 Seconds
What the movie is about: Daring car thieves (Robert Duvall, Nicolas Cage, and (meow) Angelina Jolie) attempt an audacious heist, 50 cars in one night. Or something...

What the trailer made me think it was about: 'Gone' is an epilepsy simulator, with some car chases thrown in to keep you entertained.

Review: What the cinema needs this summer is a good heist film. Who am I kidding. There's a heist film every summer. But this one looks pretty good. Although the attention getting headline stating 'FROM THE PRODUCER OF THE ROCK AND ARMAGEDDON' didn't particularly impress me, the completely insane pacing of the trailer and macho humor did. But, folks, Nic Cage's 'quirky manic persona' schtick is wearing thin...fast.

Score 8 (out of 10)

11.) X-Men
What the movie is about: Do you really need to ask? Okay, for you cave-dwellers...The X-Men are a group of superpowered mutants aligned aligned against the evil forces of Mutantkind, led by the superpowerful Magneto, master of magnetism.

What the trailer made me think it was about: Thalidomide sure was a bad thing. Throw in copious amounts of leather and you have a REAL problem on your hands.

Review: This is going to be the movie of the summer, hands down. But, the trailer needs to attract non-comic book fans to have longevity at the cinema, and this one oughta do the trick. Special effects aside, this movie looks like they are presenting a serious drama, not a 2 hour schlock-fest. For those geeky fanboys who were complaining about the outfits, stick a sock in it. This is THE X-Men, no doubt about it. The casting is perfect, the costumes are great, and there seems to be no fears as to director Bryan Singer toning down the superhero elements.This one's a winner.

Score 10 (out of 10)

So there you have it. The 2000 summer film season looks like its shaping up nicely. Of the eleven films mentioned, looks like X-Men, Gladiator, Ready to Rumble, Titan A.E., and Gone in Sixty Seconds head the pack. We'll be sure to drop the skinny after the movies come out.

All material © 2000 Destroy All Monsters