Destroy All Monsters NO UPDATE WEEK

It had to happen sooner or later. I'm moving. And that means I don't have time to update the website. So while I'm slacking off, all you munchkins are going to have to find something else to do to occupy your time.

We here at Destroy All Monsters care about our readers (even the ones that didn't show up to get computer chips implanted in the rear of their skulls. If you missed out, don't worry...we'll be holding a second 'Have A Silicon Tracking Chip Implanted In Your Skull' event this summer, complete with a wet T-Shirt contest, and Vienna Sausage Dunk.)

Here's a list of things you can do in the meantime:

1.) Listen to the new Oasis Album: 'Standing On The Shoulder of Giants' is totally tanking worldwide, so be one of the lucky few who can actually say they bought it! Remember the old Law of Supply And Demand; scarcity drives up price, so when the rest of the CD's get dumped into a landfill, you'll be sitting on a goldmine! Okay, that's complete bullshit, but listen to it anyway, it's a decent CD.

2.) Have an Alain Delon Film Festival: Entertain yourself and a dozen of your closest friends by locking yourself in a dark apartment for 24 hours with France's most sexually ambiguous movie star, Alain Delon. Thrill at the Noir excellence of Le Samourai. Sweat as the camera clings like cellophane to his chiseled abs in Purple Noon. Chortle at your friends tormented cries of 'Man, is he gay? Someone please tell me if he's GAY!!!' and then drop a line that only accentuates the thrill of omnisexuality.

3.) Dress Up Like Adolf Hilter: Now you are asking yourself, 'Why should I dress up as the most hated human being in history?'. After putting it that way, you have to ask?!? Just think of the derisive stares you'll get by rolling up to the local TCBY in full Nazi regalia and asking for the special of the day 'vis nutz, fraulein!' Nothing says funny like a dictator...

4.) E-Mail Disney And Tell Them They Suck: Want to know what killed Saturday Morning Cartoons? Look no further...here's a nice link to Disney's Investor Info e-mail form! Tell them what a bunch of skanky capitalist shitz they are, and that you are selling all your stock. Or better yet, tell them that once their butt-buddies over in China are finished ass-raping Tibet they can get to work on the soon-to-be-annexed Taiwan and turn it into 'Disney Collective Farm #24532'. What are you waiting for?!?

5.) Join A Cult: C'mon, you've always wanted to, admit it...you were just waiting for the right cult to come along and legitimize whatever shaky cosmology was pounded into your gray matter from birth.Here's a few you can try out: Ashtar Command Jesus is coming, but this time he'll be in charge of a fleet of UFO's. Watch the skies! The International Trepanation Advocacy Group Ever hear the saying 'I need XX like I need a hole in the head'? Well, these people really do need a hole in their heads...Scientology Okay, you might need a bank account as deep as Everest is high, but look what they did for John Travolta. The Daughters of Ma For you feminist types out there, this one may be some fun. We are all descended from aliens!

6.) Eat a Bug: Scientists have been saying for years that sooner or later we were going to run out of food, so you might as well get a head start and learn how to eat bugs. Imagine your value as a post-apocalyptic survivor being the only one who knows a good recipie for Hornet Souffle. Need tips? Try here.

7.) Critique Bad Teen Poetry: Diane Dobbs, your About.Com guide to Creative Writing for Teens has offered the public a chance to critique the latest submitted poem, 'Glass Shards in Callused Feet'. Why not stop by and offer some choice criticism of your own? Better yet, show your own creative side and set your critique in the form of a haiku:

Teen angst fills my head
The sweet agony of youth
Too much Nine Inch Nails

Tell us how your week turns out, and be sure to send us any pictures of you dressed as Hitler.

All material © 2000 Destroy All Monsters