Throughout life, there are times that each of us is faced with adversity...lonliness, depression, crack habits. We've all been there (especially that last one). In these times of trouble, why not do what millions around the Earth are learning to do every day when faced with a forked path. Ask yourself: What Would Jason Do?

If you would like to ask Jason himself what he would do, simply post your question in the Forums. He may get back to you. He may tell you to fuck off. That's the mystery that is Jason.

Elian Gonzalez is the only thing to come out of Cuba that most Americans would even think twice about (besides a certain export which is rolled to perfection in Havana and smoked in all of it's forbidden glory here in the States). Yet as touching as this boy's story is, I have to ask myself the hard question: "Why should I give a shit?"

The media is pumping our televisions, newspapers, even our precious internet full of propaganda and opinion polls regarding this charming little burrito, and the qualiy of the "news" regarding this whole issue is quickly accelerating on a downward spiral. Why just today on CNN.com, I got this valuable insight into the Elian case:

MIAMI (AP) -- While protesters filled the streets outside Elian Gonzalez's house to wait for the government's next move, relatives and Cuban exile leaders kept their own vigil inside, gathered around a big-screen television.

Only the guest of honor, his feet blackened from playing barefoot in the back yard, seemed oblivious to the tension Thursday. Before a federal appeals court issued a stay at least temporarily putting off Elian's transfer to his father, almost everyone in the house was teary-eyed.

Many people smoked and talked on cell phones. In the kitchen, the only quiet room in the house, Elian's great-aunt Angela baked chicken, cooked rice and fried meat in a pan...

Ahh yes. Let's illustrate the wealth and prosperity of Elian's American family... Big-screen television, cell phones, a big backyard to play in, and meat and rice all around! Sounds wonderful, don't it? In a word: NO!

What the fuck do I care what these people are eating? For Christ's sake, why do we have to take this shit?! OK. We get it!

America = Good

Cuba = Bad

You've been shoving that bullshit down our throats since Castro took control, and you know what, I still don't care! Cubans make great cigars. Cuban rice and beans is to die for. I really don't give a shit about anything else related to the issue!

And if we care so much about our Cuban "exiles" coming in on rafts into Miami, then why don't we let them in and give them all jobs and apartments? If we would have, then maybe they could come over on decent ships under Coast Guard escort, and our favorite little boy would still have a mommy...

C'mon! What's stopping us from welcoming all the Cuban's who live under Castro's tyrannical fist into our loving arms? It couldn't be the cost of such a plan, could it? Well, fuck! How much cheddar do you think the media and government have already blown because of this one boy? Enough to keep good old Aunt Angela and the rest of their whole fucking neighborhood ass-deep in chicken and rice for awhile I'd bet!

And what if Elian and his father decide to stay in the States? Do you think they'd live the American dream if it wasn't for all of the people offering them jobs, cash, houses, etc. just to stay here? No. Probably not.

So, the question remains... What would Jason do?

First. Send the kid packing for Havana immediately! He's an illegal alien and just because he's our favorite media waif (thank God something replaced JonBenet Ramsey!), he shouldn't receive any special treatment. If we want to rewrite national immigration policy so that everyone has an easier time getting into the States; fine. But don't allow one hard-luck case in because he's a poster child for U.S./Cuban hostility and then slam the doors behind him! Do that and every fucking refugee who wants in will be drowning his mother off the coast and crying for the cameras!

Second. Kill all those who want to form a human chain to keep Elian in the States. These people just piss me off! If the law says he goes back, then he goes back! I hate these fucking assholes with causes who do nothing about it 99.9% of the time except bitch! Now they get their chance to "make a difference" and to "act", and their goddamned panties are wet just thinking about the international media coverage that such a spectacle would cause. Well, fuck 'em! The minute they reach out to block Elian's deportation, I'd call in the Navy Seals. Fuck cops! Fuck the National Guard! A properly motivated Seal team is what is needed to deal with these "We Are The World" assholes! Pop, pop, pop... They'd scatter like leaves before the first body hit the ground! Take a suggestion from me: If you have a "cause" and you need to "act", then take your ass to Starbuck's and whine about it over a latte and a biscotti like all other American "activists". Don't form human chains, and don't fuck up my television schedule with Special Report interruptions!

Third (and the most fun of all). Kick Senate Majority leader Trent Lott square in the balls. This is the dick-head running flak for Reno and trying to bless everyone involved with his magical citizenship wand. Yup. That's the solution. Why not stick to backing Bush for President and attending your weekly KKK meetings, Trent? 'Cause if I see you on the street, I'm gonna have to whip your ass on principal!

Send the kid back to Cuba and get on with the real news!

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