October 2000
I think that this has become... an online journal...I think that I have no other way of expressing...or maybe I do, I just use this outlet as a way of saying..."HEY!! I'M HERE...YOU ARE GONE...BUT DAG GONE IT...I AM HERE!!!" (...please oh please don't forget me...) The day is October 28th..the year 2000....3 years have passed...three years are gone...just as you, gone. I tried to make my way to the cemetery today...tried to find the strength in me to make it that extra mile....but I couldn't do it. No use for me to be a weepy mess.....no use for me to be crying when no one else knows...no one else realizes...or no one else feels or no one else holds on.....memories....what good are they?? When they are but your own.....Jim, Jill, Jerry, Jeff and Joy know...they feel it, I am sure. They deal with it the way they find the best...they deal with it...in their own way....it is all our own...whether it is meant to be together...it is never that way...it is always alone......We shared so much, 3 years ago.....we were truly a family....concerned with each other and.... feelings, they were shared...but here I sit....in my own little world...and I wave to them from my heart.....*I feel for you*
Grieve...tis an amazing thing...it creeps up....it takes a hold...it doesn't let go... it wants to be center stage....laughter eases the pain (thank you Joy) and laugh we did...Remember Jill, at the funeral (celebration ceremony)...she wanted to keep us all in order...had to be from oldest to youngest...there I was...at the end of the line...after everyone had sobbed....I got all the runny make-up and the snot...all right on my sleeve...(thanks so much Jill) ahhh laughter, we had it, we made it......oh goodness girls, we made it through. And why oh why did you tell her, Joy...that you would do her hair... There we were....teaching the mortician (?) how to do hair....I just remember standing there...looking like the statue of liberty...holding a curling iron in one hand and a brush in the other.... (ya know...dead people still burn....oh goodness Joy....don't let the iron get too close to her head)
I told her that I was going to sing at her funeral...I told her "Three Times A Lady"...that was going to be the song that I sang...She died...I didn't sing it....she wasn't hurt by that...hec, she laughed when I told her that...(when she was alive)...but noooooo JoyBelle, You had to take your promises seriously....think of the laughs...had it of been...me singing (out of tune...the only tune I can keep) the song that reminded me of her.....hahahha...well that would of been humour...in the extreme...but at any rate...we made it....who would of ever thought...that we would of made it. Three years, we made it three years....I don't want to say that we made it three years without her... cause I still feel her.......
But the joy, the joy of knowing that someone still cares...after 3 years have passed...isn't that amazing...don't we all wish for that? That we would have that sort of impact on someone's life...that 3 years.....1095 days later...someone is still missing us...isn't that amazing...or was it just her.....just an amazing woman....she was...she is...she is.
Is it all a dream? Can I wake up and call the number tomorrow at noon and hear Jim and Jerry in the background....(not saying I wake up at noon or anything like that.....teehee) Oh geesh, I miss her...I miss the days of ole'
3 years....and I have wrote enough for 3 books....3 years and I have cried 3 rivers full of tears.....3 years and I have longed for her 30000000 times.....three years...Today...it has been three years.....in fact, this time 3 years ago, I was on my way home....to tell Ben, Caleb and Jessy...in the best way I knew how.....3 years ago today......funny what time does to us. funny, that all I have left is tears.....Tears and Memories....and one few moments...to call my own. I miss you mama....I miss you...
