Now doesn't that sound fun already?
A shadow loomed over the shimmering green exterior of the MGM Grand Hotel/Casino as a familiar vehicle swerved into the valet area. Screeching to a sharp halt, the front bumper barely missed ramming into a long luxurious white limosine. "We're HERE!" I yelled jubilantly, throwing my hands over my head and tossing a cheesy grin over my shoulder at Kate, who sat in the rear of the infamous Rapist Winnie. I laughed as I took in the contents of the large, well equipped motorhome. All of our belongings were strewn every which way as Kate picked herself up off the floor and shot me a dirty look. "What?! We're alive, we're here...that's all that matters." I said cheerfully, shrugging as I looked at Brit, who sat next to me in the front passenger seat.
Kate stood upright, complaining about the lengthy drive as well as the "crazy woman driver" that was in control of the wheel.
Standing up from her seat and stepping into the back area of the motorhome, Brit placed the dog she held in her hands on the floor. Looking at Kate as she picked up her things, complaining all the while, she placed a hand on her hip. "If you don't stop your complaining I'm gonna have 'HeheIt'sBusta' crap in your bunk." she stated dryly, gesturing to the pug sniffing around the Winnie.
"All of you be quiet for ten minutes okay?" I said loudly, taking the key out of the ignition as I walked to the rear of the Winnebago. Digging through my overstuffed backpack, I smiled at my friends. "Can't we all just get along? If this mission is going to come through successfully, then we've gotta work together dammit. Now pick up your junk, grab 'HeheIt'sBusta' and let's get inside so we can set up camp okay?" I ordered playfully, pointing toward the massive casino in front of us.
The three of us quickly gathered up our belongings and began making our way off of the Rapist Winnie, crucial items for completeing our mission in hand. I tossed the keys to the valet guy as I trooped into the hotel behind Brit and Kate, my ukelele strapped to my back.
Turning around to face me and Kate, Brit began speaking loudly, attracting the attention of several people within the extravagant lobby. "Now I know some of you haven't been to Vegas before so allow myself to introduce...myself. I'm Brit J. Robson and this is my sidekick Jen TastyFroScraggles. Welcome to the Dam tour, we're your Dam tour guides." she said, holding in her laughter as she walked backwards, knocking over little old ladies, sending their bingo chips flying.
I nodded and did the same, gesturing wildly with my hands. "We're walking, we're walking, we're walking."
After checking in and heading up to our room, which we strategically planned to be the rooms RIGHT under N Sync's floor...we set up for battle. The concert would be over within the hour and we had a lot of work to do. Each of us began preparing for the first leg of our separate missions, getting the necessary items that we would need in order to carry them through successfully.
Finally the time had arrived for us to head out and prepare for phase one of our important missions. Kate headed out first to the Tree of Life where she was going to begin.
Holding in our laughter, Brit and I headed out of the room shortly after Kate and got into the elevator. Brit was dressed in red leather from head to toe and a sparkly silver glove covered one hand. I on the other hand, was dressed down for the occasion. Clad in a pair of dirty denim jeans, a white tank top that I stole from Bobbee with the words "White Trash" bedazzled across the chest, and an orange bandana...I was confident that I would be able to make Trace feel right at home. Pressing the button in the elevator that would take us down to the main lobby, I turned to Brit and handed her a small microphone.
"Attach this to the inside of your jacket. It's hooked up to the ear monitor I'm wearing so that when you need my assistance, all you have to do is say the word and I'll be there momentarily." I explained to her as she placed the small microphone discreetly into her jacket.
"Just as long as you don't like, faint from the horrible stench coming from an unbathed Scraggles." Brit reminded.
"Don't worry...just concentrate on getting Wade in bed. I can't wait to see the headlines now..'Wacko Jacko Boy and Jacko Reunite in Vegas!' Score!" I exclaimed, holding my hands up as if signaling a touchdown as we laughed simultaneously.
"You got the mask then?" Brit asked, pointing at my orange backpack.
Turning to dig through my backpack, I pulled out the mask and pulled it on quickly. "Who's bad?" I said in a very quiet voice as I looked over my shoulder at Brit in the very realistic Michael Jackson mask. She screamed in laughter as I giggled along with her before taking off the mask and putting it back in my backpack with the rest of our supplies.
Shortly after arriving in the lobby, we saw Kate waiting patiently for her mission to begin. Brit and I talked to her briefly before heading out into the casino to find us some Scraggles and Wade J.
Hours and hours went by as we walked around the MGM Grand. It was 3:30 AM when my energy level hit an all time low and I climbed up into the branches of the Tree of Life where I attempted to get comfortable for a short nap. Brit was slumped on the floor beside a slot machine near the elevator lobby entrance, still waiting for Wade. Kate was long gone by this point, but we hadn't heard from her about the progress of her mission.
Just as I was drifting slowly off to a pleasant slumber, things started to get exciting.
"Mmphapmnpahohg...JC!" A familiar voice rang through the large casino. Smiling to myself, I shook my head.
"Kate." I said, looking down at Brit who also had awoken at the sound of our friend's voice. Moments later, Kate came flying through the elevator lobby on her silver scooter. I burst out in laughter as I noticed her Paddington Bear-esque ensemble and JC curled up like a ball as she held him tightly under one arm. A screeching Bobbee ran after them, with our little pug 'Heheitsbusta' at her heels.
As I almost fell out of the tree in laughter, I spotted him. TraceWHO? TraceWHAT? TraceHUH? TraceTHIS!!! Score! There, making his way toward me, was my bedazzled buddy Scragglypoof. Jumping out of the tree, I raced over to him, remembering to breathe through my mouth, not my nose as I noticed all of the plants in the lobby that were once thriving, were now wilting.
"Trace!" I cooed to the poofy haired vagrant. "It's so nice to meet you, I've been waiting forever."
"Really?" he asked incredulously.
"Oh yes. I've been waiting for HOURS."
Raising an eyebrow at me, he smiled. "Hours huh? What were you doing the whole time? Gambling?" he asked, gesturing toward the glittering casino floor.
"Nope." I said, shrugging slightly. "I was alone talkin to myself." I belted out, complete with funky chicken dance moves that I crunked from his woman, Innosense's Jenny.
Scragglypoof stared blankly at me as I straighted my bandana. "Nice moves. What did you say your name was?"
"Jen. But my friends call me Jenni." I replied nonchalantly.
Trace's eyes grew wide as he took that tidbit of information in and then smiled as he noticed my outfit. "I like your pants." he said, practically drooling over the dirty denim exterior. "I'd love to dress them up a little with some...rhinestones." he replied in a daze as he noticed the flash of beads from my white tank top. As he reached out toward the glittering rhinestones, I slapped his hand away, giggling girlishly as he pulled away in shock. "Don't touch the merchandise unless you plan on...paying for it." I cooed sweetly to the froed beast.
"Um...well, I don't have any money. I'd have to ask Justin for a loan, and well..." Trace rambled, "That's a really nice shirt though. Nice workmanship and all...I'd love to have one. Did you make it yourself?"
"Did I make it myself..." I snorted. "Do you think I would pay money for a shirt that says 'white trash'? Bedazzled no less?"
Trace looked at me in confusion as I realized I was dissing his means of monetary gain (however little gain that may be). "Um, I mean, of COURSE I made it myself. But...then again...I was inspired by the best." I replied, shyly touching his arm as I glanced pointedly at his own rhinestone enhanced ensemble.
The afro poof's cheeks flushed pink with pride. "Really? You like my work? Oh my god, wait until I tell Justin!"
"Who's this Justin you speak of?" I asked politely, batting my eyelashes at him as I guided him towards the tree of life.
Trace stared at me with wide eyes. "Justin Timberlake. Frontman of boyband N Sync. He's only like, my best friend in the whole world. I make all his clothes. You didn't know that? We look so much alike, everyone tells me so." the vagrant insisted.
Raising an eyebrow, I looked him up and down. "Oh yeah? Well don't tell Justin but I think you're MUCH cuter." Then, hoisting myself up onto the platform that the tree of life rested on, I patted the spot next to me as Trace took his cue and hopped up there as well.
"You really think I'm cuter than Justin Timberlake? Really?" Trace asked incredulously, twirling his curly hair out of nervous habit.
"Of course. Now...would you do me a huge favor?" I asked gently.
"Sure, anything."
Reaching into my backpack, I pulled out a bedazzler and smiled sweetly at the short man next to me. "Let me practice?" I asked, motioning for Trace to move directly next to the tree.
"Sure, do you need any help? Want me to do anything?" he offered helpfully.
Nodding my head, my eyes glinted mischeviously as I pushed Trace against the trunk of the tree of life. Leaning in close to him, I accidentally breathed in a nosefull of rancid air. 'Good Lord, does the boy ever bathe?' I thought to myself as I shook myself out of the stunned daze the smell had put me in. Placing the hand that held the bedazzler next to his outer left thigh, I tugged on the material of his decorated jeans.
"This isn't the kind of help I had in mind..." Trace said cautiously as I moved to whisper in his ear. "...but I don't mind it at all!" he exclaimed giddily as I moved my free hand up and pinned his right arm against the tree trunk with force.
Laughing to myself, I softly whispered to the curly froed beast in front of me. "Just stand very still...I'll handle the rest." With that, I moved quickly and punching the bedazzler against the tree trunk as hard as I could, bedazzled Trace's jeans tightly to the infamous tree of life. Confusion flashed in his eyes as I moved like lightning, bedazzling him carefully and quickly to the trunk of the golden tree.
After a few seconds of hard work, I stood back and smiled in satisfaction. Just then, Brit walked up to the tree, Wade on her arm. I was just about to ask where she found the dancing boypal when she spoke. "I've always been a big fan of bedazzling. Especially when the handiwork is so craftily done. Don't you think Wade?" she mused, looking up at the spiky haired young man.
Obviously drunk, Wade smiled slowly. "Very nice work..." he started, looking at Brit for a name to insert in his compliment.
"Jen..." Brit supplied helpfully.
"Jen." Wade slurred, then with Brit's guidance, stumbled off to the elevators.
Shrugging my shoulders, I hopped down off of the platform where Trace now stood bedazzled to the golden tree of life. Sitting down on the wildly patterned carpet, I began to dig through my backpack. Finally emerging with a piece of white posterboard and a black marker, I finished completing the first portion of my plan. Sticking my tongue out in concentration, I wrote carefully for a few seconds before holding the printed sign out at arm's length. Nodding in approval at my handiwork, I resumed sitting on the small platform at Trace's feet, holding my sign up proudly.
"Excuse me?" Trace asked quietly.
"Yes?" I replied, looking over my shoulder at him in disdain.
"What does the sign say? I'm not allowed to self promote. Justin makes me give half of my money to his charity." he explained cautiously.
"As for Justin, he can shove a boot up his ass sideways for all I care. Secondly, I don't believe what the sign says is any of your business. However, if you MUST know, it says...in bold letters...'Picture with JRT's right hand bitch. Fee: 5 dolla$dolla$billz ya'll.' So get ready to smile baby cuz it's about time for your close up." I finished as a group of giggling 12 year olds wandered nearby.
"Ohmygod. Is that Trace...Justin's best friend?" one of the tube top clad teenies asked loudly.
"Actually it's Justin's midget stunt double. His name is...Dustin." I replied with a bored look.
"What?" the girl's friend asked with a confused look.
"I'm KIDDING." I said, rolling my eyes. "Yes it's Trace. Do you know anyone else that dresses that horribly and then actually goes out in public?"
The five young girls looked at my ensemble with raised eyebrows. "Alright, I get your point. However, when dressing this evening, a fashion show wasn't my main focus. I had to lure in the trailer trash somehow...and something tells me Trace here isn't too familiar with Gucci."
"Is that a brand of soup?" Trace spoke up, his voice uncertain.
"SHUT UP." I shouted, turning around to give him a dirty look. Then, turning back to the girls in front of me, I smiled sweetly. "Sorry about that. Now would you girls like a picture with Trace here?"
The girls nodded enthusiastically because anyone within the N Sync entourage was better than nothing, and hell...Justin's best friend HAD to be better than Steve, whom had been wandering the casino all night. After the five girls had all handed me their 5 bucks, I hopped off the platform and grabbed for their cameras.
"You mean you're not a professional photographer? We have to use our own film?" one girl demanded, snapping her gum.
"What do you think this is? Disneyworld? Give me your damn camera and go stand up there. Remember girls, it's just like the zoo...don't feed the animals." I replied, my voice cheerful as I snapped five photos and handed the girls back their cameras. "Thank you for stopping at 'Jen's Trace Photo N Go'. You have your photo...now go. Oh! Don't forget to tell your friends!" I called after the teenyboppers as they left hurriedly.
After several hours passed by, I sat down, sighing in exhaustion as I looked at my watch. "Wow. Time flies when you're makin money doesn't it there Scraggles?" I asked, glancing happily at the backpack full of 5 dollar bills sitting next to me.
"Yeah. Whatever you say Jen." Trace mumbled tiredly as he halfheartedly attempted to free himself from the bedazzles that bound him to the tree.
Just then, a voice filtered in through the small ear monitor I was wearing. "Jen, are you there? I'm ready for you." Brit's voice rang clearly into my ear.
"Alright Trace, you stay still now. I'll be right back!" Laughing, I grabbed my orange backpack full of money and the infamous Jacko mask and raced towards the elevators. Riding up to the 26th floor, I got off the elevator and looked around for Brit. As I stood contemplating which room # I would be in if I were Wade, a door opened to my left and Brit stuck her head out.
"Hey!" I said quietly, looking around to make sure no security guards were lurking nearby. "What took so long?"
Brit laughed as she pulled me into the room by my arm. "Good lord that boy's got energy. He's drunk as a skunk and can STILL moonwalk like nobody's business." she stated in disbelief, shaking her head slightly as she gazed down at Wade, who was passed out on the bed.
"Alright, well...where do we start?" I inquired.
"Wait a second...where's Scragglypoof?" Brit asked.
Pointing downwards, I giggled quietly. "He's still bedazzled to the tree! But wait'll you see the assload of money I made tonight!"
"Have you seen Justin yet though? Ya know, to complete your mission?"
A puzzled look crossed my face as I tried to remember if I had seen the N Sync hearthrob downstairs at all. "Come to think of it...I might have. Honestly though, I was too busy photographing everyone and their facken dog with Trace's busted ass."
"What about your rapist mission though Jen? This was your big chance." Brit insisted, staring at me with wide eyes.
Shrugging, I opened the zipper to my orange backpack. "Pssh whatEVER. Check out all the loot I made off his midget bitch tonight! I should do this more often." I replied, shoving the open backpack towards her so she could look inside.
"Score. How much do you think you've got in there?"
"Hmmm...a few hundred I'm sure. Enough." I stated simply, plopping down on the ground with the bag in order to dig through it's bulging contents. Emerging with Jacko mask in hand, Brit smiled down at me.
"Alright, well...Mission Wacko Jacko in full effect." she said with a sinister grin as she took the mask and pulled it over her head. With her red leather ensemble and sparkly silver glove, Brit was a dead ringer for the child molesting pop star. Leaning over the passed out Wade J Robson, she had me struggling to keep my laughter quiet as she looked down at the boypal through the Jacko mask. Stroking his blonde spikes lovingly, she spoke in a quiet feminine tone. "Reunited at last Wade. You know the way you make me feeeeeeeeeeel."
The last comment had me rolling on the floor in hysterics, burying my face in the covers hanging off the bed as I laughed. "Stop it, you're killing me here." I managed to sputter out as I pulled out the polaroid camera I had retrieved from the backpack. "Alright, say 'pedophile'!"
"I like boys!" Brit stated in a cool tone as she placed the mask's lips on Wade's forehead as she sat near his passed out body on the bed.
I snapped various photos quickly and efficiently, film shooting out of the polaroid camera like water flowing out of a faucet. Finally, an hour later, we decided we had plenty of incriminating evidence and were ready to sell our proof of this liason to the tabloids. Gathering up the piles of photographs, Brit and I glanced around the room to make sure we weren't forgetting anything.
"Alright, I think we've got it all...now let's get out of here, find Kate, and leave." I stated firmly, opening the door to enter the hallway.
"Can't I just spoon with him for five more minutes?" Brit asked in her "Jacko" voice.
Turning around I bopped her on the head, "Will you take that damn thing off? I don't concentrate well with Jacko following me around. It's disturbing."
Brit pulled off the mask and looked back at Wade lying on the bed, a serene expression pasted on his face. "But Jen...he looks so cute. I seriously want to like...make out with him or something."
Sighing, I turned to my friend. "Brit, look at the boy. He's half dead due to alcohol consumption. It'd be like making out with a corpse. Don't they have a name for that sort of thing?" I asked, shuddering slightly. "Anyways...let's go find Kate."
"Good point." Brit nodded in agreement, wrinkling her nose at my corpse statement as the two of us left the room quickly and quietly as we headed out to find Kate.
As the elevator opened with a ding, we were surprised to see Kate standing inside with a bright smile on her face. Her Paddington Bear-esque ensemble was torn at the shoulder and she had a purple bruise forming under her left eye. As we walked into the elevator, I looked at her with a concerned gaze. "Kate. What the hell happened to you?"
Smiling cheerfully as if oblivious to her battle wounds, Kate spoke proudly. "JC!"
"What...you tripped, fell, landed on his fist?" Brit questioned the tiny brunette.
"Oh, you think this is bad? You should see him!" Kate stated with a nod of her head.
Shaking my head, I sighed, "I don't want to know."
"Oh girls you should have seen it. I hit him with my left...then my right...then...well, that's when he hit me, bit my leg, and ripped my way cool raincoat. Ugh, that sucked." Kate said dramatically.
The elevators opened to the extravagant lobby as myself, Brit, and Kate walked out of the elevator and over to where the Winnie was parked outside. Hopping inside, I took the driver's seat, where I proceeded to peel out of the parking area. So yeah, I almost hit an oncoming Cadillac on my way out but whatEVER.
Epilogue:
After leaving the MGM Grand, the three girls drove the Winnie to the office of the National Enquirer, where they proceeded to sell the incriminating Wade/Jacko photos for a very large sum. Soon after completing the strange yet very profitable "rapist" mission, the three girls took a vacation to Yorba Linda, CA where they researched a new boyband to harass.
Shortly after waking up from his drunken slumber, Wade found a sparkly silver glove on his pillow. Thinking it was a secret message from the one and only Jacko, he traveled to the Neverland Ranch--only to be molested yet again by Michael, as Bubbles the monkey looked on.
Steve Fatone wandered the casino floor all night waiting for someone to recognize him. Needless to say he didn't get any play that night.
Justin Timberlake arrived at the hotel later that evening with entourage in tow. Ignoring the desperate pleas coming from the tree of life (whom he dismissed as a fan wanting a picture), he proceeded to his room where he called Britney, had phone sex, and fell asleep in a pair of her thong underwear.
JC Chasez, after fighting with a fan, feared a lawsuit. He immediately called the witness protection program who assisted him upon request and changed his name to Freddie Muniz. Apparently now, due to an obsession with the Malcolm in the Middle star of the same surname, his brother Tyler will no longer speak to him.
Trace Ayala, Scragglypoof if you will, after losing his voice due to screaming for Justin to help him down, failed to attract any attention to the tree of life. At press date, he was STILL bedazzled to the golden centerpiece.
The End.
