This was written by Brittany, formerly of Everybody's Free, ya'll know who I'm talkin bout. Anyways this is a little story she came up with after I told her about a late night conversation that my friend April and I had on the phone. Since I am too lazy to come up with a story, she came up with this...which if I may say so, is mad funny. Check it out.
As you drive through the residential Orlando area you see much of the same, children riding bikes, families cooking on the grill, until you turn onto Woodruff Drive. Within seconds you see a house with a Santa sleigh on top of it. In August. A closer look and you see a rather large man standing in the doorway. He smiles, winks, and flashes a backstage pass he's wearing around his neck reading "NSYNC Tour '99 Family". You shudder at the thought of the last time he bathed.
Suddenly, a thumping bass from across the street diverts your attention. Listening intently you hear the words..
"Are you doing your thing and doing it well..."
The song ends, only to start again. You're guessing it's on repeat, and cross the street for further inspection. You peek in the front window and see N SYNC frontman JC Chasez, dressed in a pink tutu, a small bow clasped in the front of his flowing lion-esque main. He stares at a television set which shows Richard Simmons in a red, white, and blue leotard clapping his hands and instructing dance steps. JC follows along intently, until his song [which is replacing Richards voice] goes into a chant.
"Gotta hump; gotta bump; never sit; won't stop"
He suddenly breaks into an energetic running man, before collapsing on the floor in giggles. He jumps back up immediately to continue his workout.
He suddenly screams out in the voice of a motivational speaker. "Oh that's right girlfriend! Do your THING! Uh HUH!"
You want a closer look at all this, so you run to the nearest Domino's Pizza, buy a large pie, then trade a deliveryman a marble, a Backstreet Boys CD, and $7.43 for his outfit. Heading back to the Chasez residence, you knock lightly on the door.
It flies open to reveal JC still in his tutu. You notice now that on his feet he is wearing bunny slippers, and his leotard/tutu combo is sequined "TWO STEP" in basketball jersey fashion.
"You ordered a pizza."
"No way silly! I eat sushi!" He leans in with a whisper, "That was probably across the street, they order about 50 a day." You turn around as the large man from earlier that day grabs the pizza out of your hand, finishes it before he crosses the street, and dumps the box in his garbage can in front of his house.
A few seconds later a midget, warted man crawls from a doggie door built into the garage door. He opens the pizza box, pulls out a piece of crust and pops it into his mouth. In a thick Brooklyn accent he yells across the street to yourself and JC.. er... "Two Step", "I gotta eat something.. they never feed me, I'm not all that popula" before disappearing back through the doggie door he came out of.
As you shift all this confusion through your mind, JC pulls you into his house. "Wanna work out?!" he screams, turning his stereo on full blast. Once again, "Do Your Thing" bursts from the speakers. Looking you up and down JC declares flamboyantly "That outift just WILL NOT DO!" and runs out of the room. He returns and flings a leotard/tutu combo of your own at you. You glance at the back to see it reads "SHAZAM". With a shrug he explains "That's from my straight days.. I mean.. um... Mickey Mouse Club days... ANYWAY, where were we?!" He taps throughtfully on his chin. "Oh yeah! We need dance partners!" he giggles.
Before he can say another word a tall, stocky man waddles into the room. He too is wearing a leotard/tutu combo, white with a red maple leaf across the chest. The back reads "RIPROCK".
JC introduces him to you as "Bradley, his boyfriend".
"I thought you were dating Bobbie?" you question.
Seconds later, AG and Bobbie enter the house holding hands. "Hi! I'm AG and I'm a Crazy Canadian" He states proudly shaking your hand. They go on further to explain the relationship between himself and Bobbie has been going on for years, and JC "borrows" her sometimes for public events so no one knows the truth about him and Brad.
JC ushers them out of the room so he can continue his lesson, before realizing YOU don't have a dance partner. He thinks for a second before opening a closet and producing a Lou Pearlman cardboard cutout. You look at the face of the fat rosy cheeked man in disgust, before agreeing to dance with it. You leave the room, change into your tutu, grap the cutout and get ready to begin."
"There ain't no excuse for losing your feet; drowning in your defeat; on this road of life"
JC begins to teach you dance moves while singing along and clapping, urging you on.
"5-6-7-8! Do! Your! THING! Go!"
After 57 rotations of "Do Your Thing" he decides you finally have the workout down. He gives Riprock a hug in celebration, and demands you never tell a soul about that day.
But, the story has a bittersweet ending. Remember the midget, warted man from across the street? Turns out he had a periscope sticking through his doggie door and videotaped the whole thing. And that is how YOU, Ricky Martin, ended up being sold on Ebay dancing with a cardboard Lou Pealrman. This didn't do well for the rumors already circulating about your sexuality, so you went into hiding. ... back in that private dance studio on Woodruff Drive. You convinced JC to leave Bradley, and "Did Your Thing" happily ever after.
THE END.
