(date unknown)-- Everything moves in frames. I am seeing and doing everything in slow motion. Slow motion like when you’re caught between two moving cars and there is somehow enough time for your entire life to flash before your eyes. When I blink, time stands still, even if it’s only for a second. But that second can bring all the joy or all the pain in the world. A million things can change just because you blinked. I look around and I see people overlapping people overlapping people overlapping people overlapping people overlapping everything else.
(No punctuation is used from this point on)
4.17.02-- I could have been everything but for you it wouldn’t have worked out your iniquity changes everything and your actions echo in my mind all the ravish paintings you did of me in the old apartment on the third floor there was no more room left for your taking you were invited to stay with me it’s been a long long time since we relinquished our thoughts maybe you could stay the night and we could talk about what strawberries taste like God how I miss you every single hour of the day you sing in my mind my thoughts always come out in quarter notes and sometimes in whole notes how about giving me some comfort here I’m not willing to live your life for you I am sad at how I drive myself crazy thinking about how they made the color blue and why nothing is as it seems to be in your mind you don’t ever discuss living but you take one day at a time maybe that is why I admire you so diligent and loved I hope to some day live through you.
Likewise I never want to leave your side everyday is the same and I wonder why things have to go in order what if someone pushed the wrong button everything moves in slow motion... (will be continued later [haven't had time to really copy it down])
4.20.02 Why do I miss (name#1) so much was it because I loved him or I gave my whole heart to him I could not even go into Abercrombie and Fitch today because everything in it reminded me of him I hate how I think about him all the time everyone hates me here I can’t stand it I hate when people whisper about me because maybe I have an attitude or something I don’t know if I got anything out this well I kinda did a little bit but everything seems to get thrown back into my rotten ugly face I hate my body I am fat I look so disgusting no wonder why I am giving myself away I am worth nothing but everyone tells me that I am worth something I wish people would just tell me the truth why can’t I get things out of my mind instead of dwelling on them I wish I could let things out I wish people would hug me and love me and cry with me and like me like they do Des it seems like no one understands me I wish they did maybe then they would cry for me cry with me cry because I am hurting because I can’t really tell people the whole story every time something bad happens to me that I don’t understand I hate it when I feel like I have nobody to talk to I cannot talk to just anybody I wish (name#2) would have come to the Invasion because I would have had someone to talk to and I think he would have gotten a lot out of it probably more than me I love how I can talk to (name#2) I miss talking to him I miss the castle I really miss (name#1) but I still don’t know why everything reminds me of him someone sprayed cologne and I felt like crying because it reminded of (name#1) I hate how much I love him I want so badly to put him out of my mind because it plagues me so but in a way I don’t want those memories to leave some of the most happiest times I have in my life were ones spent with him I wish someone would love me as much as I loved (name#1) because I would have done anything for him but that is bad why do I hate myself because I am fat and ugly and worthless I am not funny people don’t listen to me when I talk I hate being ignored I think that is the most horrible thing in the world to be ignored because it makes you feel like utter crap and you feel like killing yourself so many times I have felt like killing myself some days I wonder why I haven’t done it yet no one would miss me and they would probably act like nothing happened oh someone is missing from the worship team is what they would say on Wednesday nights oh yeah it was that ugly fat girl oh who cares about her I never liked her she never did anything for me she just tried to act like she fit it but really she didn’t she would always try to start conversations with people but they would say something sarcastic and always turn their backs to her how rude but no one cared because it was her I think I have to do what I have to do no one cares why don’t I feel Jesus sometimes I hate how He never shows me anything why won’t people love me why won’t people see that I’m hurting I told (name#3) the other day but she still hugged (name#4) tonight (name#4) and not me nobody cares I hate it it’s like I’m invisible that’s all an invisible ugly fat girl who can never get anything out of her head I hate myself for that I hate myself because I can’t connect to Jesus I tried this weekend but nothing happened I was for sure something would happen like I would be changed forever if Acquire the Fire can’t change me what can maybe I need help I just need to know that someone is there I need someone to care about me do you care if I lived or died people are so mean sometimes I wish I could be a mean person on the outside like I really am on the inside.
