Chapter 8

For the next two weeks, the rest of the guys covered for Kevin and did as much as possible without him. When he had to make an appearance, he did so and immediately afterwards, caught a flight back home. For everyone's sake, Kevin and Nick tried to get along. They clearly didn't like each other, but respected each other professionally and made the best of it. The only thing Nick said to Kevin since the fight was, "If you ever hit her again, I'll fuckin' kill you…"

Ann brought Madi home and stayed for a few days to help out. At first, Mommy's appearance frightened Madi. She had no idea what was wrong with her face. Jeanie broke down and cried when she realized that the way she looked was scaring her own daughter. However, she broke into a tearful smile when Madi kept touching the tape across her nose and whispering, "bobo?" Jeanie smiled, "Yeah, BIG bobo."

Jeanie remained sweet and attentive. She worked quietly in her office, tried to be funny and charming during meals. She and Jessie teased each other and Jessie playfully called her "Scarface," but quit after getting one of Kevin's "looks." Jeanie spoke when spoken to, but for the most part, devoted all her time to Madi. She didn't appear to be angry…just pensive. She also never brought up what happened.

Kevin tried to be the perfect husband. He wasn't sure what was going on…surely, sooner or later she'd want to talk about it…

* * *

"Kevin?" Jeanie was standing just inside the door of his office. He'd been on the phone for the last forty-five minutes.

"Hey, babe…what's up?"

"I still need to make that trip to Nashville…" She explained about the album she and Hunter Maguire were collaborating on. "I don't want to leave unless I know you're going to be here with Madi. She's had too many things going on. I've noticed she's getting clingy…you know? Like she's afraid we're going to abandon her or something…"

"How long are you planning on being away?"

"I don't know…a week or so…maybe two weeks."

"What? No…not two weeks. You and Mike do fine, better than fine, and you guys never need two weeks locked up in some cabin outside Nashville. No…"

She turned and walked out of the room. Kevin let his head fall back a little. He wasn't trying to be mean. He was careful in how he worded his objections. He didn't raise his voice. He got up and followed her outside to the patio.

"Baby, you understand don't you?" he said softly. "Right now, I'm trying really hard. It won't do me any good to try if you're not here." Kevin kissed her forehead. "I just want some "us" time. Family time…I don't want to sit here while you're with some other guy for two weeks."

Jeanie gave him a tiny smile and nodded that she understood. "Still, this is my job. We need to work something out."

"We'll see what we can work out…sides, did you ever stop to think that maybe we should take advantage of this time together and maybe see about getting Madi that baby brother or sister?" Kevin wrapped his arms around her. She let him cuddle her, but didn't answer.

"That sound good to you?" Kevin pulled back to look at her. Her face was still bruised, but looked a little better. The tiny cut was healing and didn't require the bandage.

"I love you…" she said softly.

"I love you back, Mrs. R." He smiled, but was aware of the fact that she'd never answered him. "So…do you think Madi would rather have a brother or sister?" He tried to force the conversation and an answer.

"She'd probably rather have a kitten or a puppy…"

"True…but still," Kevin was getting worried. Jeanie was obviously not going along with the plan. "Say she could choose…"

Jeanie stared down at the decking then back up into his eyes. She wasn't angry…she loved him too much. "Kev, I don't any more children. Madi is it for me."

"Baby, don't say that…"

"No, listen to me. Listen and think, Kevin. Really think and remember. When you do, you'll understand." She picked up his large hand and began lovingly caressing his fingers. "I've thought about this a lot since…you know. I don't think we were meant to be…"

Kevin couldn't believe what she was saying.

She could tell by his pained expression that her statement hit home. "I'm not, let me repeat NOT, saying I don't love you. Oh God, I love you so much…" She fought back tears as she continued to hold his hand. "I've loved you since the day I first saw you. I've loved you with all my heart and all my soul. I have been absolutely blinded by the love I have for you."

"But…"

"Baby, let me finish…" She kissed his fingertips. "My love was never enough. Even after Madi was conceived, it wasn't enough. I know you love me, but…" she had to stop to rethink how she could phrase it. "It's just not enough."

"Jeanie, it is…"

"Shhh. Please? Kevin do you remember any of the lyrics to "The Edge of Your Heart?"***

He was ashamed, he didn't know them. His wife probably knew every lyric to every song the Backstreet Boys had written or covered and he didn't know one song that she'd won a Grammy for. She could read his shame. "It's okay, honey…the last part of the bridge is:

Thinking of how things could have been
But playing a game we couldn't win
Left me...alone

And then it went into the chorus:

Waiting on the edge of your heart
Why did we hesitate
Did we fall in love too soon
Or fall too late
Memories and stolen kisses
Wont take us to far
So I wait and watch and love you
From the edge of your heart ***

Jeanie sighed. "That's our song, Kevin. I meant every single word when I wrote it and I still mean it. `how things could have been…playing a game, we couldn't win.' Think of the lost pregnancies, think of the anger you feel…think about the women you've loved…I think God is trying to tell us something. We weren't meant to be…"

Kevin started crying. This couldn't be happening. "Please don't say that. Please give me chance. Is this because of what happened with Nick?"

Jeanie closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. "You don't get it, do you? This is about us. As far as Nick...you don't understand Nick. Of all people, you and the guys should understand him."

When Kevin wouldn't answer her, she continued. "Nick…Nick has had someone telling him when to eat, sleep, work…everything has been spoon-fed to Nick. He's always had an older authority figure telling him every single thing he should or should not do -- be it his family, management, you guys -- Kevin, he doesn't know how to function without someone older running his life. I really believe that. He has no life experience…that's why he thinks he loves me. I'm the best of all worlds to Nick. I was his mother, his lover, his guidance counselor, and his conscious. He doesn't have to worry or think because I'm the grown up and he knows I'll do the right thing."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes, but not the way I love you…I'll never love anyone the way I love you…"

"Then why are you…"

"I'm trying to make you understand, Kevin. That's all. This is too hard. WE are too hard. I'm tired. I just want peace and quiet. I want to love my daughter and work on my music. I don't want any more children. I don't want random phone calls from obsessive fans. I don't want violence or hate or any of that in our home ever again."

"Where does that leave me?"

"I think you just answered your own question…"

"What do you mean?"

"You just said…'where does that leave ME'…singular…not US…just you. How does this affect YOU…" Kevin felt his face flush with embarrassment. He got caught and he couldn't deny what she'd just pointed out to him. "I DO love you, Jeanie…"

"I know you do." She knelt down in front of him. She took his hands into hers and kissed them. "Kevin…this is your home, too. Madi is your daughter. Despite everything…I love you more than life itself. I just want you to think about what I said. There have been so many times that I've thought I would die because I didn't think I could go another day without you. The thought of losing you terrifies me. But love shouldn't be this hard. It should be joyful...not hard...not like this... ...not like us..."

< Edges Of Your Heart >