Angel

By Jen Atkins

No human being could comprehend what it’s like to be me. Well, I suppose that anyone could say that so let me explain. I am an angel, but not the way most people think of angels.. I have no memory of my life, even though I do know that I was human and died, but I don’t remember how. All I know is that I’m here now and that I’m a part of something unique and special....at least that’s what I guess I’m supposed to believe. I don’t even remember my name, so I surely don’t remember what it feels like to have physical senses. Things are extraordinarily different here. We don’t use names, yet we still know when someone is referring to us. In case you haven’t noticed, we tend to talk in "we" form, meaning that we are no longer individuals. We are a union; a binding of souls all meshed together to create on common goal, impossible as that goal may be to reach. Pure happiness, after all, is unfeasible, even for an angel.

This is basically where the train of my thoughts were on the day that I got my first assignment. One second, I was just there, wondering what kind of a person I had been when I was alive, and the next, my surroundings suddenly changed from mere blankness to an infinitely large room that I couldn’t quite see because my sense of vision was guarded in this room. This is where I was given my assignment. By whom, I have no idea, but it was as if it had been planted in my head. I knew what I had to do. I looked up and closed my eyes, nodding at whatever it was that was sending me back to Earth in my new form. When I opened them again, there I was, on Earth. Just like that. To be more precise, I was actually in a very dark room, sitting on a soft loveseat. I’m sure it was soft, even though I couldn’t feel it....the atmosphere was soft. The bedroom I was in was drenched in darkness, but I could still see everything, including the large poster bed with the man lying in it. The feeling that swept over me when I looked at him proved to me that this was the person that I had been sent to Earth for. Since there was nothing I could do at that point, I simply watched him sleep, his right arm thrown across his forehead and his bushy eyebrows crinkled in trouble. I wondered if maybe he knew that he was going to die.

"No!" I told myself silently. "Not if you can help it." The man groaned and turned in his sleep so that he was facing me, not that he could see me even if I was awake. In all truthfulness, this man would be the only one who would be capable of seeing me, but only when I wanted him to and at that moment, I just wanted to watch him. He had a teddy bear that he was hugging to his chest and the look of worry that was etched across his beautiful features wouldn’t leave him. Even though I knew that I couldn’t feel human emotion, I could have sworn that I was sad then, watching him in his restless sleep, so I crossed over to the bed and lay a gentle hand on his forehead, as if to ease the lines. Almost instantly, his whole face relaxed as I changed his dream into a happy one and he began snoring softly. Smiling down at my new charge, I whispered, "Well, Joseph Mulrey McIntyre.....I hope saving your life will be that easy." When I said that, Joe’s eyes suddenly flew open and seemed to stare right at me, even though I knew that was impossible. I froze. Those eyes....where had I seen those eyes before? I felt like I was looking into my own soul when I looked at his eyes and it scared me for a minute there. I was ready to get out of there when Joe shook his head suddenly and sat up in bed, the dark circles under his eyes now apparent. He groaned and threw back the covers, revealing the navy blue silk boxers that he was wearing. I wasn’t supposed to feel heat, but for some reason, I had the sudden urge to go for a swim. Joe left the room and I just sat there, staring at the bed. What had just happened? He hadn’t seen me, but there was something inside of my swiss cheese brain that was telling me that there was something important that I wasn’t remembering about my past. Shaking myself out of it, I mentally transported myself to the kitchen, which is where Joe was, gulping down a glass of water. It was still dark, but I could see the lines etched into his face, which proved how much pain he had been in lately. I couldn’t help but wonder why, but I gasped when he suddenly dropped his glass and it shattered across the floor, but Joe didn’t notice. His hands were gripping the counter top so hard that his knuckles were white, his eyes closed and his face turned up towards the ceiling. The shine of the moon in the window reflected against the tears on his cheeks as he stood there, not moving. I felt a sense of protectiveness and I wrapped my transparent arms around him for comfort, pressing my cheek into his chest, even though neither of us could feel it by touch, I think we both felt it inside because the sobs that were racking Joe’s body stopped as soon as I touched him and his breathing soon returned to normal.

"Angel," he whispered and I looked up in surprise, but he was looking right through me. Who was Angel?

Joe glared at the broken glass in contempt and moved right through me to open a cabinet next to the refrigerator. He pulled out a large bottle of whiskey and a shot glass, filling it with the thick dark liquid.

"No," I whispered to nothing. "That’s not a way to solve it." I knew that he couldn’t hear me, but he set the glass down right before it got to his lips and sank down to his knees, slamming the counter with his fists.

"Why?" he moaned, his cries loud enough for even me to feel. I felt helpless, like I was stuck behind a glass wall watching him, with no way to get out. Finally, when his sobs subsided, he grabbed a set of keys off of the counter and before I knew what was happening, he was out the front door. My non-physical state came in handy as I placed myself into Joe’s car, where he was already driving, wiping his eyes every so often as he drove. I just stared at him, that feeling of familiarity washing over me once more as I did. Why was this human having such an effect on me? I was still pondering it when Joe turned suddenly, pulling past an old creaky gate and at that time of night, it was spooky even for me.

Joe put the car in park and got out, pulling a bag out of the front seat. Looking around him, I saw where we were. It was a cemetery. I followed him as he walked past about 15 graves and then came to a stop, falling to his knees in front of a tall white grave with the statue of an angel on top of it. The name Angel Judith Simon was etched across the stone (Judith Simon was a real person who died in a car accident when she was 16). Seeing Joe’s face, it was obvious that this girl was very special to him. He reached into the paper bag he was carrying and pulled out a small white teddy bear that was holding a red heart.

"You forgot this," he whispered, leaning it against the grave. My eyes went from Joe’s face to the teddy bear and I gasped in spite of myself. That bear...where had I seen it before? The sight of it brought so many emotions to the surface that I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I can’t cry. Joe’s sobs brought me out of my period of daze and I watched calmly as he pressed his cheek to the cold stone. "Why, Angel?" he managed. "Why did you leave me?" It made me wonder who this girl was and if she was with me somehow. I decided to finally let Joe see me, it was time to do my job.

"Joe?" I said, softly, coming up from behind him. He turned around quickly, obviously surprised at the sound of a voice. His blue eyes widened as he saw me and his jaw dropped.

"Oh my God," he said, trying to take in a breath, but it was ragged, as if he was hyperventilating. I nodded, well aware of the glow that surrounded me in this place.

"No," I told him with a small smile. "But I am here to help you, Joe." I held out my hand to him, but he jumped away, his eyes still wide.

"No," he said, shaking his head and backing up against Angel’s grave. "This isn’t real, this isn’t really happening."

"What isn’t?" I asked, amazed at how soothing my voice was to the human ear. Staring at me for a minute, Joe finally reached out a shaky hand to touch my hair. Oh, how I wished I could feel his touch, but I was comforted knowing that he could feel mine and I held out a hand to him. "Come with me, Joe," I pleaded. "Let me help you." He started to take my hand, but quickly pulled away as we touched.

"No!" he cried. "What is this?" I shook my head.

"I don’t understand."

"YOU don’t understand?" Joe was approaching hysteria. "Why are you here?" He then turned his face to the sky and shouted, "Are you trying to torture me?!"

"Joe!" I cried, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing to turn and glare at me. "Please stop." With that, he fell onto his knees and sobbed, hugging my legs to him. "Why did you leave me, Angel?" he whispered. "Why?"

Looking down at him, I was at a loss as of what to do at that point. "How did she die?" I whispered, stroking his hair, which I knew would be incredibly soft if I could have felt it. Joe looked up, his face twisted in what seemed to be confusion.

"You don’t remember?" he finally asked and I backed away from him, my brain cells fighting with each other.

"Why should I remember?" I asked him, raising a hand to my forehead to try and push the memories through. Joe was still on his knees on top of the grave and he stood up, reaching out for me.

"My God, Angel," he murmured into my hair as he pulled me to him. "You have no idea what life is like without you."

"Wait a second." I pulled away from him, amazed at how disconcerned I was at his touch, which I couldn’t even feel. "You think I’m Angel?"

"I know you are, honey," Joe said, stroking my cheek. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My gaze fell to the grave in front of us and I knelt down in front of the gravestone, looking back at Joe.

"You think I’m this girl?" That must have been when Joe realized that I was serious about this.

"Of course you are," he told me, kneeling next to me. "Why else would you be here, Angel?" I couldn’t answer that. I had no idea why I was there anymore, but something told me that Joe was telling me the truth. I had been this Angel girl, Joe’s dead girlfriend who was now back to save his life.

"I think I need to sit down," I stammered, leaning against what I guessed was my own gravestone.

"You?" he commented, scrambling away from the grave to take a seat on a tree stump. "I think I must be dreaming…yeah, that’s it. I’m dreaming." He looked at me, the pain apparent in his eyes. "Don’t

wake me up, Angel." I sighed and put my head in my hands. A part of me just wanted to be invisible again so I wouldn’t have to deal with this, my past. I had a job to do, and I didn’t want my life, when I had one,

to get in the way. Even so, to run away like that would involve not looking my assignment in the eye, which was practically impossible anyway.

"I don’t understand," I whispered. "Why would they send me here?"

"Who’s they?" Joe asked, snapping me away from my thoughts. His blue eyes were burning into me, making me feel uncomfortable, yet totally at ease at the same time.

"I don’t know," I said softly, looking up. "They…Him….whoever gave me this stinkin assignment." Joe was obviously as confused as ever.

"Assignment?" Shit. I didn’t want to tell him why I was there.

"Um…yeah," I said with a nod. "I’m here to help you, Joe."

"Are you an angel now, Angel?" That was a hard question and I told him so.

"I don’t know what I am. Our goal is to make people happy, that’s all. You asked for help somehow, even if you didn’t know it."

"I would have been much happier if you hadn’t left me." Joe’s voice was thick with bitterness and hurt. I got up from my perch on the grave and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Joe," I said softly. "People die. Nobody knows why, but I must have been needed up there, honey." When he looked at me, his eyes were wet with his tears.

"Why you?" he sniffed. I couldn’t answer that and I tore my gaze away from his, looking at the ground. We were silent for a moment before Joe spoke again. "Angel, did you really forget me?" When he asked me that, it was like a knife tearing into my soul. I had forgotten him, even though every moment spent in my new place was like an empty void.

"Joe," I tried to answer honestly. "We aren’t given the gift of memories. My mind forgot you, yes, but my heart didn’t." He didn’t look as if he believed me, so I tried again. "For as long as I can remember, which isn’t very long, I’ve felt empty. That feeling went away when I saw you sleeping tonight."

"You were watching me?" he asked and I nodded, hoping that he found truth to what I was saying. "Wait, I did have this awful dream…..it was about the accident. And then all of the sudden, the dream changed and we were together again…." His voice trailed off at the memory.

"That was when I touched you," I said, more to myself than to him.

"Wait a second, what accident?" I really didn’t know what he was talking about. Joe’s eyes clouded over again and he stood up and took my hand.

"Can we get out of here?" he mumbled, looking back at my grave.

"You won’t disappear on me, now, will you?" I shook my head.

"Not until my mission is complete." He nodded and started walking back to his car, towing me along with him. We drove in complete silence until Joe turned the car onto a deserted road that curved its way up and around a large mountain. He finally stopped at a lookout point and my breath caught in my throat. "This place," I gasped, covering my mouth. "Something about this place…."

"It’s our haven, Angel," he whispered, not looking at me. "This is where we had our first kiss." Tears welled up in my eyes, which was unheard of in my world. I saw a flash of a memory in my mind. Blue eyes…..

"I remember," I whispered. We sat in silence again for what seemed like hours, just soaking in the other’s company.

"We were on our way home from Jordan’s," Joe suddenly said, his voice shaky with tears. "You…you looked so beautiful with your new dress and you were laughing at something I said. I remember thinking how lucky I was just to be there with you. I know that I couldn’t have been paying attention to the road with you there….then there were these lights. They were so bright, Angel, and I couldn’t see anything, but I could hear the loud crash of metal." He was crying openly at that point.

"The next thing I remember was lying in a hospital bed with a concussion and a broken arm…that’s when they told me that you didn’t make it. I died then."

"No!" I protested before I could absorb the information. "You didn’t die, Joe, you can’t think that. You have to live, you have to be happy."

"I can’t," he whispered. "I killed you." Crying with him, I wrapped my arms around his neck as we both cried into each other’s hair.

"You didn’t kill me," I finally told him, pulling away. "Please, Joe, you can’t blame yourself. It was just my time…"

"But I wasn’t paying attention!" he cried. "If I had, then I would have seen that damn drunk driver before he slammed into us!"

"No," I said, soothingly, stroking his beautiful hair. "It wasn’t your fault. Please, I can’t be happy unless you admit that, Joe. How can I go back knowing that you are going to blame yourself for the rest of your life?"

"So don’t go back," he said simply, if it really was that simple.

"Joe," I shook my head. "Don’t do that."

"So why are you here?" he suddenly yelled. "What is this anyway? Are you here to tease me and then leave again? What is that supposed to accomplish, Angel?!" I had no answer for that. Why would they send me to help what had been the love of my life? What if I didn’t want to go back, no matter the cost? Noticing my silence at his outburst, Joe sighed. "How long will you be here?" he asked, lowering his voice.

"I don’t know, Joe. I don’t know anything." The only thing on my mind after that was that this man was supposed to die sometime soon and I wasn’ t sure that I wanted to stop it from happening. I knew that if I told him, he would welcome it, I could sense his longing for death, to be taken away from his pain. If this was some kind of a test, then I didn’t think it was teaching me anything but heartache and I wasn't supposed to even know what that felt like. This man was having way too much of an effect on me.

We didn't get back to Joe's house until sunrise and we both must have looked like hell, pardon the expression. Joe grabbed my hand and started pulling me up the stairs as soon as we walked in the door.

"Joe," I protested. "What are you doing?" He looked behind him, the circles under his eyes darker than ever.

"Stay with me," he pleaded, pulling me against his chest. "Please."

I sighed at his embrace, feeling only warmth. "Joe, that's physically impossible," I replied softly. He nodded and held onto me tighter.

"No, Angel, I just want you to be near me," he murmured into my hair. "I just want to hold you all night. Please." I reluctantly nodded and let him pull me down onto the bed next to him. Another feeling of familiarity swept over me and I shuddered, watching, not feeling, as Joe's arms wrapped around my waist. "It's so good to have you back," he finally said, his voice already groggy with fatigue. "You have no idea Angel, this makes everything worthwhile." Saying that, he was asleep, leaving me with only his thoughts and arms until morning.

Morning turned out to be around 2 PM. Joe was not an easy person to wake up, but my boredom got the best of me at around 1, so I turned over to rest my chin on his chest, just staring up at him in awe. He was so beautiful, a true angel in my book. When he finally woke up, he insisted on making me what he claimed to be my favorite breakfast and he led me excitedly to the kitchen, where he sat me on one of the stools and got to work. No matter how much I insisted that I wasn't able to eat, he just shrugged and told me that it was for old times' sake, finally setting in the middle of table a huge stack of pancakes topped with strawberries and tipped with a pile of whipped cream. I must admit, it looked heavenly and Joe dug right

in, wiping the whipped cream off of his chin.

"Oh the fun we used to have with this breakfast," he said with a depressing grin. Thinking back in my swiss cheese memory, I could see that we had.

"Mmmmmm," Joe said in utter bliss as I fed him the strawberry off of the pile of pancakes. His full lips closed around it as he sucked up the juice, making me moan inwardly.

"Looks like you liked that," I said with a giggle, tossing the top of the fruit into the sink. Joe gave me an evil grin.

"I know how I'd like it better," he said, taking a strawberry and removing the top, twirling it into the whipped cream pile. He put it in between my teeth and leaned over the counter to lick the whipped cream off. I drew the strawberry and into my mouth slowly, forcing his mouth to press against mine and opening my mouth to allow his tongue access.

When we finally came up for air, the heat in Joe's gaze was apparent and he cleared off the table in one swoop, reaching over to grab me and lay me down on top of it. I didn't fight him, but wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him to me for a hungry kiss, reaching down to lower his shorts to the floor. The heat in the kitchen was unbearable and we were both too impatient to worry about clothes removal. His mouth found my breasts and I gasped, not even realizing that he had lifted my shirt up.

One of his hands reached over to the whipped cream to make a trail of it across my nipples and down my stomach and he slowly licked it off, but when his head lowered in between my thighs, I grabbed him and pulled him back to me. "No," I grunted, reaching in between us to grip his erection in my hand. "I want you now, Joe."

That must have brought him over the edge because all of the sudden, he was inside of me, thrusting with wild abandon. I threw my head back against the table and dug my nails into his back, letting out a cry as I came. He thrust into me one last time before he also went over the edge and he collapsed on top of me, covered in sweat. I kissed the top of his head and stroked his hair until our breathing returned to normal.

"Wow," I murmured, groaning as he pulled himself out of me and got up, pulling up his shorts. He grinned at me and nodded, pulling me to him for a deep kiss.

"You can say that again," he muttered back, laughing as he danced me around the kitchen. He dipped me and I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him fondly. He smiled back and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I love you, Angel," he whispered before kissing me again.

"Angel," Joe's voice broke me out of my memory. "Are you ok?" Looking at him in surprise, I nodded, getting up suddenly.

"I'm fine," I said, brokenly, looking at the table, which had obviously been the star attraction of my memory.

"Then, come on, I want you to hear something," he said, leading me into the living room, where he crossed over to the CD player. "Does this song mean anything to you?" He pressed a button and soft music filled the room, sweeping around me in a cloud of true love. It was his beautiful voice behind the song.

I was crying by the time the song ended and Joe gathered me into his arms.

"You see?" he whispered. "Forever hasn't come and gone yet, Angel. And I'll love you until that happens."

"You used to play that for me, didn't you?" What was wrong with me? I didn't know how to handle these emotions I was feeling, I wasn't supposed to know how to handle them. He nodded solemnly.

"Every time I ever sang that song," he told me softly. "It was for you." With that, he lowered his head and pressed his lips to mine. I hadn’t felt what was known as the human touch ever since I could remember. It just wasn’t a feeling I knew, but the second Joe’s lips touched mine, I felt him. I really felt them and I was weeping when it was over. He reached out to caress my cheek and when he did, I stared at him with wide eyes.

"I can feel you," I whispered, pressing my wet cheek into his hand.

"I’ve always been able to feel you," he murmured back. Just before he kissed me again, he looked right into my eyes and smiled softly. "Some things are more powerful than even God, Angel."

The End

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