Absence of the Heart

By: Kasey

Copyrighted 1998

" I write you letters...but I don't send them...I just cant figure out the words to end them...I try to reach you...you're right beside me...there's something missing...and we cant deny that..."

" Kasey what are these?" you look up to find Jordan standing over you, holding a pile of papers. Your heart sinks when you recognize them.

" Letters?" you say brightly, trying not to let him see your worry.

" I can see that they're letters. They're letters to me. To me, Kasey. Why haven't you given me these before?" he asked and you try not to look worried. How the hell had he found them? You had thought that they were well hidden but you had obviously been wrong. He had found them, and now he was demanding answers.

" Where did you find them?" try to stall him. Get him to forget them then you could...

" On the bed, underneath the pillow. I was making the bed and these fell onto the floor. One of them slipped out and I saw my name so I read it," he said and you sigh. Damn it all. Of all the stupid places to hide them while you were airing out your closet! How were you going to explain them now?

" Did you read one or..."

" All of them," he looked so angry...and was that hurt?

" Damn it Jordan, they weren't meant to be read!" you decide to go on the attack. Hopefully you would make him so mad that he would forget how this was started in the first place.

" Obviously or I would have seen them by now. Why didn't you tell me this was how you were feeling? Instead of writing it down in letters you never intended on showing me. I thought that we had an honest relationship Kasey," he said angrily. You stare at him in surprise. He had never ever been this angry with you before. Never. And it was a side of Jordan that you weren't sure you liked.

" How was I supposed to tell you? When was I supposed to tell you?

You were never home to talk. You were never willing to sit down and talk about anything," you say angrily, meeting his anger. You'd go to hell first before he put this all on you!

" I've been home for the last week and you never mentioned this at all. You just pretended. Not once in the last week have you been honest with me. Is that what you've been doing Kasey? Lying to me? Pretending that you love me? Making love with me when you felt this way?" Jordan asked and you cringe. You had never meant to hurt him like this. Never. The last thing you ever wanted to do was make him think you hated him.

" I never lied outright Jordan..."

" By omission. It's still as bad if you don't tell me. That's lying. That's being someone I don't want to be with anymore," Jordan said, throwing the letters into your lap. You pick one up and read what you had written...

"We live together separately...we don't wanna fall apart...but every time we kiss...there's an emptiness...an absence of the heart..."

You can feel Jordan watching you expectantly. He was waiting for you to say something. But what could you say to him? That what you had written was what you were feeling but because you were afraid of hurting him, you had kept your feelings a secret? He would never accept that.

" Jordan, I'm sorry," this was the only way. You had to tell him the truth. You had to let him know that what was written on this paper was the truth - and you needed him to realize that.

" I'm sorry? Is that it?" Jordan asked, his voice hoarse. His shoulders slumped when you nodded.

" I never meant this to happen. I tried so hard to tell you Jordan. But every time I started to tell you what I was feeling, you'd smile at me. And after that I could never tell you. You smile and I lose what I was thinking," you say. He doesn't believe you. That much you can see. But what else could you say? How could you explain why you had written these letters and yet never given them to him?

"You never tried hard enough Kasey."

" I did! I tried to tell you every time we were together but you've been so withdrawn lately. Even lying in bed together it seems as though there's an unbreachable distance between us. You never hold me anymore. When was the last time you told me you loved me? When was the last time we made love?" you asked him, firing words at him faster than either of you could think.

" I've been preoccupied lately! Recording a CD is nothing to be taken lightly. I thought you knew that," Jordan said.

" Which is why I didn't want to tell you what was wrong! You needed to concentrate on your music! I couldn't bother you with minor details like this!" you say and he glares at you, anger and pain in his eyes.

" So you're saying that my music is more important to me than you are?"

" At the moment, yes," and you instantly regretted the words when his face closed over and nothing, not even pain showed in his eyes. Had you gone too far?

" How did we lose it...why did this happen...when did we take it...all for granted...we sit in silence...inside we're crying...how can we keep our love from dying..."

" Damn it Kasey! How can you mean that? You mean the world to me! How can you even think that..." you glance up sharply when his mobile phone rang. Jordan glanced down at it, anger still on his face. He then looked back up at you.

" Are you going to answer that?" you ask him quietly.

" It can wait. Its not important right now," he said and you laugh, a little bitterly.

" Its always important Jordan. Answer the damn phone. Its probably Miguel," you say and he answers it, barking an abrupt hello. You watch his face as it changes from anger to frustration.

" Damn it, can't it wait? I'm in the middle of something right now!" Jordan said and you flinched. It was happening again. Every time you even had the chance to talk to him, it was cut short by a phone call," No what I'm doing right now cant wait! Damn it Miguel! I can't just drop everything and keep running to their beck and call! I need to fix this first." Fix this? This is what you were? A problem that needed fixing? Damned if you would accept that.

" Damn it Jordan just go. Its not like you've never done this before," you say quietly, angrily and leave him standing in the middle of the lounge room, a stunned look on his face. You enter your bedroom and lock the door behind you. You needed time to think. And with Jordan gone, you would get that time. You sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to cry but it was so hard. What had happened between the two of you? How had you ended up like this? It had been so gradual that you hadn't even noticed at first. The quietness, the silence...you had thought that it was just a comfortable silence but it hadn't been. It had been the silences of two people who had nothing left.

" Kasey, can I come in?" you snapped your head up sharply when you heard his soft voice on the other side.

" Don't you have to be somewhere?" you ask him, not moving from the bed. You can hear him sigh and imagine him running his hand through his hair in frustration.

" Please, let me in. There's no need for locked doors between us," he said and you had to smile at that. Your hearts had become locked doors so why should a door in reality be any different.

" You have to go Jordan. I need time to think. Miguel will be mad if you don't show up," you say stubbornly.

" Damn it Kasey, I told Miguel that he'd have to wait! You are much more important to me than anything else right now. Please let me in so we can talk!" Jordan said. You knew that he wouldn't give up so you got up off the bed and unlocked the door, opening the door to see him standing outside, a tender expression on his face. Your heart melted. You still loved this man. Despite everything that had happened between you, despite the fear you were feeling at the possibility of him leaving you, you still loved him more than you had ever thought possible.

" Jordan, this isn't the best time to talk. We're both upset. You go and do what you have to do and when you get back, we'll talk," you say and watch Jordan carefully.

" Kasey, I think its time we talked. Now. We can't leave this go any longer. I don't like seeing you this way. It hurts me that you think that my music is more important. I never knew that was how you felt. And if its what you've thought ever since we started dating, then I'm sorry. Because its not the truth," Jordan said, coming inside the bedroom. You sat back down on the edge of the bed and he crouches down in front of you, placing his hands on your thighs.

" Jordan..." he interrupted you by kissing you deeply. You knew what was about to happen and you knew that it would not solve this problem. But you could never resist Jordan. He knew everything about you that would arouse you to a fever pitch. And after you had made love, after the passion had slowly ebbed away, you knew that there would be regrets, knew that it had been a mistake. But those thoughts weren't in your mind at the moment. The only thing that you could think of was his touch, his scent, his kiss. And that was the only thing that you could think of for a very long time after that.

"Cuz we live together separately...we don't wanna fall apart... every time we kiss...there's an emptiness...an absence of the heart..."

" No...Jordan, stop it. Please!" you push against his chest, hoping he'd move. His kisses and caresses had caused you to forget the reason why you wanted to talk to him but now your mind had cleared. You needed to talk to him and making love with him would not get that talking done. Jordan's lips moved from your breasts to your lips as he attempted to quiet you, but you close your mouth and push against him again. He finally realizes that you're trying to stop him and he lifts his passion filled eyes to meet yours.

" Kasey, what are you doing?" he asked huskily. You push him off you and roll away from him, bringing the two parts of your blouse together. This gave you some semblance of protection as he stares at you, rage filling his eyes. He got up off the bed and zipped his jeans back up and you could tell he was angry. He moved curtly, as though he were trying to hold onto his temper.

" I'm sorry Jordan, but this was not meant to happen. I need to talk to you," you say and he turns around and pierces you with an angry gaze.

" I thought you knew better than to tease and lead a man on!" he rasped angrily, his voice tight. You flinch and turn your head as his barb hits home. You could have stopped it before it had gotten to the point of where it had.

" I'm sorry. God I never meant it to go this far. But when you touch me..." you shrug your shoulders, hoping that he would just forget about it and let you talk to him.

" Two minutes more and I would have been inside you, to the hilt," he said sarcastically and you flinch again," You couldn't have stopped me before now?"

" You touch me Jordan and I can't think! I never meant to let you even kiss me! We need to talk Jordan. Making love will not solve the problems we're having!" you say and he stares at you, incredulous.

" Problems? The only problems we're having is the inability for you to tell me what the hell is wrong with you! All you've been babbling about lately is needing to talk and then there were those letters...my God! I'm not the one with the problems!" Jordan shouted angrily and you stare at him, surprise and sadness in your eyes.

" If you can't see the problems we're having then there's no hope for us Jordan," you say quietly. He rakes a hand through his hair and stares you down, his beautiful brown eyes so blank of emotion that it hits you directly in the heart.

" I'm going out. I don't know when I'll be home," he said and stalked away from you and out of the house. You sat on the edge of the bed and cried for everything you had both lost that night.

*****

Six hours later you were woken up by the slamming of the front door. You glance sleepily at the alarm clock and blink. Surely it wasn't three in the morning? Usually Jordan came home by midnight. But usually you didn't fight! A little voice whispered. You push that voice away as you get out of bed and slip on a robe. You move into the kitchen where Jordan is sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands and a glass of whiskey in front of him. He looks up at you when you enter the room and the pain and regret in his eyes makes you wary. What had he been doing all night? Miguel had called about ten, wanting to know where he was and you hadn't been able to answer him. Now you were scared. What was he about to tell you?

" Why aren't you in bed Kasey?" he asked wearily and you sigh.

" I woke up when the front door slammed. Where have you been all night? Miguel called, looking for you!" you say and he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Its then that you notice his hair is very messy and he's smelling of a brand of perfume you don't normally wear. Your blood turns ice cold as the one thought that you had been trying to avoid comes crashing into your mind.

" Now is not the time Kasey. Let's just go to bed," he said and stood up. He extends a hand out to you and you notice the scratches on it.

" Where have you been?" you ask, refusing to give in to him until he answers you.

" Please Kasey. I need you to come to bed and just have some sleep. We'll talk in the morning," he said. You stare at him, unwilling to let him talk you into going to bed with him. God, what if he had slept with another woman? That would explain the perfume...and the scratches.

" You're hurt Jordan. What happened?" you ask him, running a finger very lightly over the raw scratches. He flinches slightly.

" I got in a fight. All right? At a bar. Some guy was annoying the hell out of me so I punched him in the mouth. His teeth caught me. That's what the scratches are," he says. You stare at him for a long while and realize he's telling the truth. You relax a little and take his hand and lead him into the bathroom to bathe his wounds. You had heard that teeth marks could cause infection and the last thing you wanted was for his arm to get infected.

" What was the fight about?" you ask him as you run some warm water over his arm. The sleeve of his long sleeved shirt got wet so he removed it. And as he turned around, you noticed the fresh welts on his back. Nail marks. Scratches. Wounds you knew that you could never put there because you had no nails that long. Your heart stopped for several seconds and then started beating faster. You hadn't even realized that you had made sound until he turned around and stared at you with worry.

" Kasey? What's wrong?" he asked. Then his face paled and he averted his eyes form you.

" Those aren't marks from a fight Jordan," you tell him and he shakes his head.

" No, they aren't," he says quietly.

" And they aren't marks made by me," you keep going, tyring desperately to get the truth out of him.

" No, they aren't. They're made by another woman Kasey," Jordans soft words pierced your heart. You stare at him, not wanting to believe him but with the evidence right before your eyes, how could you not?

" You left me tonight and slept with another woman?"

" It wasn't meant to happen." The defense of every man.

" It wasn't meant to happen? That's bullshit! You left here, went to a bar and picked up another woman. I thought we were a couple. A relationship with honesty. Even if we are having problems, that doesn't mean you can go out and sleep with another woman!

" I know that! But I was in that fight. She was a waitress at the bar and she came over to me and helped me up. She smelled so good and she was there. It wasn't meant to happen! God, I would never hurt you, in a million years! But once she started kissing me, I was lost," he said, pleading with you, begging you.

" Now you know how I was with you Jordan," you say quietly and walk out of the bathroom and leave him standing there, stunned. You enter the bedroom and grab an overnight bag, throwing some clothes into it. You slip out of your nightgown and into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and leave the bedroom. You run into Jordan standing in front of the front door, his arms folded over his chest, a defiant expression on his face.

" I'm not letting you leave," he says quietly. You laugh a short, sharp laugh full of bitterness.

" You can't stop me. I can't stand to be around you right now. Just looking at you makes me feel betrayed and used. I was hoping we could work out our problems. But this...this goes way beyond a problems. This is infidelity. Plain and simple. You slept with another woman while you were committed to me!" you say, slowly and clearly.

" It was a mistake! And its was only this once. It's never happened before and it will never happen again! Please believe me!" he said.

" Oh, I believe you," you say and he breathes easier," But I'm not willing to take that chance again." He stares at you for a very long time.

" Is that your final word?" he asked softly and you nod, "Okay Kasey. This is your choice. I'm trying to get you to see why I did this."

" Oh, I can see why you did this. I just don't want to understand why you cheated on me. I'm leaving Jordan. And I wont be back," you say and he moves out of your way. You open the door and step outside and breathe deeply. Were you really going to do this? Yes. The image of Jordan and another woman came sharply to your mind and you almost hated him for this. Yes, you were leaving. Let him sleep around. Let him try to work out what had happened. You turn to face him, one last time. You reach out and run your hand down his face, memorizing his scent, and the roughness of his unshaven face.

"Goodbye Jordan." you say and quietly walk away from him, leaving him without a second glance.

*****

The End.

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