Angels

By: Kasey

He stood at the open grave, rain pouring down his face. He was the only one left. So many people had come to say goodbye to her. Many people he had never know she knew. Friends from all over the country had come and tried to offer condolences but their words just fell on deaf ears. He was too deep in grief to notice other people. The rain suited his mood. But it was also the rain she had loved best. His heart ached. He missed her more than he thought possible. It just wasn't fair! He had only been with her for six months - six lousy months! There hadn't even been time to tell her he loved her. Now it was too late. He'd never get the chance to tell her how much he loved her. How much he loved hearing her voice, how much he loved watching her sleep...

He hadn't wanted to come to the funeral but he had been persuaded to come by his mother. She said it would give him closure, seeing the coffin. But he couldn't have closure yet. How could he have closure when he hadn't told her how much she had meant to him? It was impossible to even imagine his life without her now. Even though she had been a part of his life for only six months, it had seemed like six years. He stood at the grave for a few more minutes, just hating himself for leaving everything till it was too late. He threw a red rose onto her casket and then walked away. He couldn't bear to watch some strangers cover the coffin with dirt. It was too final, too...heartbreaking. He drove straight to the nearest bar, walked in and ordered a bottle of scotch. He sat at a booth with the bottle and a shot glass and prepared to drink himself into oblivion. Maybe he would be able to forget her - at least for tonight.

***************

Six months later he was back at her grave. It wasn't raining today. The sun shone down on him as if mocking him. He placed the roses on her grave and kneeled down next to it, running his hands over the headstone. Seeing her name on it was hard. So was the epitaph -"Terrie Lyn Callaway, 1971-1998, Beloved sister, daughter and friend...One of her smiles was worth a thousand words". He remembered her smile. It was like a light shining in the darkest night. He remembered her laugh. He remembered her eyes. He remembered her scent. The way she woke up in the morning. Her words to him as she lay dying in his arms. That was what he would remember for the rest of his life. Those words would haunt him. 'Tell me you love me Jordan'. That was all she had wanted. But before he could tell her, she had died, the pain too intense for her to stay. Just three words. He couldn't even say three words to her. Three words she had said to him so many times over the six months they had been together but he had never said them to her. Her dying wish had been to hear him say that he loved her but he had hesitated and she had died. He wished it would've been him who had died. It would have been easier. Then he wouldn't have to face this pain ever day. He traced her name with a finger. Terrie Lyn. So beautiful, so full of life, so sweet, so loving. All of that, everything he had loved about her had been taken away because of some idiot drunk driver. The driver hadn't even been killed! Terrie had been the only one to die. It just wasn't fair!

He bowed her head, trying to think of what he could say. He had done so many things that he was ashamed of this last six months. He had done so much, trying to forget her and his pain but it hadn't worked. The one night stands, the drinking, working hard enough to kill himself...maybe that's what he was trying to do. Kill himself. No one would mourn his loss, especially thanks to his behaviour the last six months. He had shut out everyone who loved him and just generally pissed everyone off in the process. Donnie had finally confronted him about his behaviour, telling him to sort it out or everyone would disown him. So he had come out here, with some hope of closing this, finishing the pain. He wasn't sure how he could talk to the grave but he wanted to. Hell, he needed to tell her everything in death that he should have in life. He cleared his throat and glanced around, checking that no one was around.

"Terrie..." he began and stopped. He felt foolish talking to thin air but somehow he knew that he had to get it said. So he started again, "Terrie, sweetheart, it's been six months since I lost you. Six months without you is a very long time. I've done some things that I'm not proud of and wish I could take back but I cant. Its too late to change things now." A slight breeze stirred the leaves on the trees and he looked around. He was sure he was being watched but there was no one there so he shrugged and turned back to the grave...and nearly had a heart attack when he saw Terrie sitting on the headstone, her pretty face lined with worry and sorrow," Terrie?" She was wearing a pure white dress and looked almost like an angel - but he had never seen an angel before so he wasn't sure what they should look like.

" Oh Jordan, what have you done to yourself?" she asked softly, getting off the headstone and walking over to him. She reached up and moved a lock of hair from his eyes. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. Still the same.

" I thought you were dead..."

" I am Jordan. But I'm here because you need me at the moment. You haven't exactly coped well with losing me, have you?" she asked him, running her hand across his face. Just her touch sent his pulse racing. How could this be happening?

" You feel so real," he said and she nodded.

" Special case. You need my touch at the moment. It's the only way you can heal," she said.

" I miss you," he said softly and she stopped stroking his face and looked at him seriously.

" Do you?"

" I do. Every day is harder than the next. Why did you have to leave?" he asked and she sighed.

" It was just my time. I was needed somewhere else. I had my time here on earth. You have to come to terms with that Jordan," she said softly.

" I cant. I didn't want you to leave but you did. We didn't have that much time together. I didn't get a chance to show you everything I wanted to," he said and she smiled. Jordan had promised to take her to

Puerto Rico and show her some of his favourite spots. The trip had been planned for the weekend after her funeral.

" It wasn't meant to be."

" How can you say that and mean it? 'It wasn't meant to be is a piece of shit!" he said angrily and she stared at him in sorrow.

" Oh Jordan. You're so bitter and resentful. You were never like that when we were together. Why have you let this happen to yourself? Why haven't you moved on? Why haven't you let your pain heal?" Terrie asked.

" I cant. I try but I cant!"

" One night stands and drinking does not qualify as trying Jordan," Terrie said calmly and he flinched.

" You know about that?"

" I know everything you've done in the last six months Jordan. The angel assigned to you had to let you go through that, even though I didn't fully agree with it. I didn't want to see you suffer. I didn't want this to happen Jordan. But I don't make the rules," Terrie said.

" Damn it! If you didn't want this to happen, then why did you let it happen? You could have fought to live damn it!" he said angrily. She never even flinched.

" I cant apologize for something I had no control over Jordan. As much as I loved you, still love you, I was needed somewhere else. We had six months together. You should be happy that we had that amount of time," Terrie said.

" Six months is nothing! If I had have known you would have been..." he stopped, not wanting to hurt her.

" Killed. Can you honestly say that if you had have known I would end up dying, you would never have went out with me?" Terrie asked him and he sighed, his anger gone. Why was he fighting her on this?

" No, I cant. Why am I fighting you on this?" he asked wryly and she laughed.

" Because you're a stubborn man Jordan. That's one of the things I love most about you. The fact that you're stubborn to a fault," Terrie said and he laughed,' That's the first real laugh I've heard from you in six months Jordan."

" Yeah, well there's been nothing to laugh about since I lost you," he said and she took his hand. She traced the lines on his palm with a finger, like she had done so many times before in the past. The familiarity of the gesture made Jordan want to cry.

" There's so much to laugh about Jordan. You're alive. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and a very long, happy life ahead of you. Losing me was a step towards someone better, someone more special," Terrie said.

" How can I accept that? You're special to me!" Jordan said and Terrie placed a finger over his lips to silence him.

" Hush. Now is not the time for this. You came here for a reason Jordan. You wouldn't be here otherwise," Terrie said, her eyes a clear blue.

" I came here to talk to you," he said and she nodded.

" That's why I was sent down to you. You were uncomfortable talking to nothing so I was sent down to you so you could talk to me face to face," Terrie said, measuring her palm against his. She used to do that all the time as they lay in bed together.

" You still do the same things as you did when you were alive," Jordan noted.

" I haven't changed Jordan. I just don't have an earthly body to do this anymore. You need the comfort of the familiar. This just comes naturally to me. I can't be near you and not touch you. I'm just not allowed to kiss you," Terrie said.

" Where do you want me to start?" Jordan asked, after a few minutes of silence.

" From the beginning."

" Okay then. It's been six months since I lost you. Six months without you is a very long time. I've done something's that I'm not proud of and I wish I could take them back but I cant. It's too late to change things now. That night when you were...when you died, you asked me to tell you one thing and I didn't. I was afraid of telling you," he said, watching her.

" Jordan you weren't ready that night."

" We were together six months and I never once told you how I felt."

" You just weren't ready."

" By the time I realized that I did love you, it was too late. You were dead. You lay in my arms and died before I could tell you how much I loved you, how much I needed you in my life. And I do Terrie. I miss you so much. I miss coming home and seeing you dancing in the living room. I miss hearing your laugh, seeing your smile...I miss watching the sunrise with you and the rainfall. I miss making love with you, hearing you cry out my name. I miss your touch, I miss watching you brush your hair, I miss everything about you. I miss those little notes that you used to leave me on the fridge and I even miss those little lipstick messages on the mirror that used to drive me nuts! I miss having you in my life," Jordan said.

" Its okay to miss me Jordan but you have to move on," Terrie said.

" I'm sorry I left it too late to tell you that I loved you. But I do. I love you with every heart beat."

" I love you too Jordan. You have nothing to be afraid of when you die because I will be waiting for you now. When it's your time I will call to you and you'll come and we'll be together again," Terrie said.

" I still don't understand why you had to leave but it's easier now that I know you're all right," Jordan said.

" You won't see me again Jordan. But I will be with you, every step of your life, every minute of the day until it's your time to come back to me. I'll be right by your side Jordan. I'll offer you protection, love and affection, whether you're right or wrong. I will never forsake you, if you need to talk to me, come here and I'll listen. You won't see me but you'll feel me. With the sun shining down on you, the rain on your face, the snow beneath your feet and the wind in the tress I will be here for you," Terrie said.

" I love you Terrie," Jordan said.

" I wish I could kiss you but I cant," Terrie said, regret tingling her voice.

" That's okay. I have a million of your kisses burned into my lips, a million of your caresses burned into my skin, a million of your smiles in my heart and a million of your laughs in my mind. I'll never forget you and I'll look forward to the day that we are together again," Jordan said.

" Shoot the rules," Terrie said, her eyes filled with tears. She leant over to kiss him. Their lips met for a brief instant and then she was gone, the wind whispering 'I love you'. Jordan looked down at the grave and smiled.

" I love you too."

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