Burn For You

By: Kasey

(c) 1999

Inspired by: 'Burn For You' - John Farnham

'got myself into some trouble tonight...guess i'm just feeling blue...its been so long since i seen your face...the distance between me and you...'

He rested the phone between his chin and shoulder, dialing the number without needing to look it up. He knew it off by heart, having dialed it so many times before. He let it ring - once, twice, three times - all the time deathly afraid she wouldn't pick up, that she wouldn't be home. Because he desperately needed to talk to her, to hear a familiar voice, one that wasn't judgmental or criticizing, or telling him where to go and what to do. Instead he wanted a voice of love, of caring, of understanding. But what if she could tell from his voice he was hiding something, keeping something secret from her? She was usually very perceptive, very intuitive when it come to his emotions, his normal cloaks of secrecy and usual ways he tried to hide his emotions didn't work with her. Sometimes it unnerved him, the way she could tell what he was thinking or what he was going through just by the sound of his voice. But he realized that it was just one more sign that this woman was the right woman for him, the one he was destined to spend the rest of his life with.

She answered the phone, her soft silky voice washing over him in pure comfort. He silently sighed and pasted a smile on his face, hoping against hope that she wouldn't realize anything was wrong.

" Hey baby," he said, as cheerfully as he could manage.

" Hey! I was just thinking about you!" she told him, sounding more than pleased to hear from him. He silently rebuked himself for not calling earlier, for putting this call off. It had been too long since he had seen her in the flesh, too long since he had touched her skin, breathed in that light, florally scent that was all her. He didn't want to be out here, on the road constantly, every day of every week. For weeks and weeks on end, with barely a days rest in between gigs. But he had no choice, none at all if he really wanted to make this new album really successful, if he really wanted to do his best and achieve what he always wanted to achieve. It meant leaving her back at home, with only a few phone calls every now and then.

" You were? What were you thinking?" he asked, sitting back in the chair and settling himself for a long talk. He loved the way she laughed, and he could just see her blue eyes sparkling happily.

" Oh, just how I plan on showing you how much I missed you when you get home on Tuesday," she said, her voice almost lyrical. He groaned under his breath. Damn, he had hoped he wouldn't have had to tell her so quickly, so soon into the conversation. He had wanted to hear about her day, about the routine things in life before breaking his news to her. But it was obviously not meant to be.

" Oh babe. That sounds wonderful but..."

" But?" she asked warily, her voice instantly going from light and happy to subdued and weary. How many more times would he have to do this, have to push back coming home because of one more gig, or one more appearance on a TV show, or one more radio show? How much more was she going to be able to take before she walked out on him? He didn't know and he honestly never wanted to know either, but he still had no choice in the matter. It was either give up his dream, bring her with him and make her give up her dream, or do it this way.

" I have a magazine interview tonight and then I've been scheduled to appear on another TV show in LA and then another concert has been slotted in," he told her, his voice apologetic.

" Jordan, this is the fifth time! You were supposed to be back home three weeks ago, but it was a radio show then. Now its a TV show and a concert? How many days does this push your arrival back home back by? Two? Three? A week? Hell, why not just make it a freaking month?" she said angrily and he sighed. He couldn't blame her, honestly he couldn't. But what else could he do?

" Two days. Thats all. Instead of getting home on Tuesday, I'll be home Thursday night, Friday the latest," he said and waited for her response.

" You said that three weeks ago! How am I supposed to believe you this time, when every other time its been untrue?"

" Celeste, I swear this is something that cannot be avoided!"

" Unlike me, hey Jordan?"

" Celeste, no!!"

" Its time we re-evaluated our relationship Jordan," Celestes' voice was quiet, unsure.

" Please! Celeste I love you! We can work this out, I promise!"

" Promises mean nothing to you Jordan. They never have, they never will. You promised me that you'd make time for me, just like I make time for you! But I haven't seen you make any time for me at all. It’s always been about your career. I was willing to accept that, at the beginning, but no more Jordan. I can’t do this anymore. You're gone for weeks on end and when you are home, you sleep all day. I never get to see you in person anymore. I see plenty of you on TV or I hear plenty of you on the radio, but its not the same Jordan and it never will be!" Celeste said, her voice full of hurt and frustration.

" Celeste I swear I'll start making changes! Just let me get this one last..."

" One last what Jordan? It never ends!"

" I'll make a change!"

" You can’t do that Jordan, you know that as well as I do. You love performing, love getting out there on stage and making people happy. That’s what brings you alive. And I would never be able to live with myself if I was the one who made you choose between that and me, or any woman. So I'm making this easier on you. I'm making the decision to end us right now, so you wont have to," Celeste told him.

" Celeste, god please no! Don’t do this, please, I am begging you to not do this. Wait until I get home and we can talk...Please! Celeste, I love you! My career means nothing if I don’t have you by my side..."

" Jordan, this is the only way. I'm sorry. I love you enough to let you go. Maybe one day things will be different - god knows I wish they could have been different this time - but I know that’s no longer possible. When you get back home, I wont be here Jordan," Celeste said and hung up, leaving a stunned Jordan staring at the phone.

*****

'that voice you showed mes not the one that i know...i must be strung out on what i do...don’t hang up again...there's nothing else i know how to do...'

She couldn't do this, shouldn't do this! Didn't she know how hard it was for him to leave her all the time, to be away from her so much? He cursed and slammed the phone into its cradle, wincing as it cracked under the force. He raked a hand through his hair, debating whether he should call her again, and try to at least convince her that she should wait until he was home before leaving. If he was able to see her, to be able to talk to her face to face, he just might be able to delay her leaving long enough so he could sort out his schedule and his life. But her voice...it had been so cold, so lost, so unlike her. He had never heard her use that tone of voice before, on anyway, and it shamed him that he had to be the one to make her use it. It hurt him so much, cut him so deeply that he had driven her to leaving him like this, driven her to trusting him so little. She was an unbelievably sweet and trusting woman, more so than he was used to, and sometimes he felt he had taken advantage of that, that he had used and abused her trust, her naturally giving nature.

He sighed and stared blankly at the wall, knowing that if he didn't call her back now, he'd regret it deeply, especially if she did leave and he didn't get another chance with her. But he didn't want to be reminded of how much he had hurt her, how much she had used her. He certainly didn't want to hear the way she had just given up again, the first time around had nearly killed him. Another time would certainly do the job - at the very least it would be even more of a revelation at how lousy he was to her.

But he needed to talk to her, try to at least get her to see reason. So he picked up the phone and hit redial, praying silently that she would pick up the phone and talk to him. Or, if she had switched the answering machine on, she'd listen to any messages. He wanted - no needed - her to pick up the phone when it rang though. He hated talking into a machine at the best of times, but when his relationship, his whole future was riding on it, he wouldn't be able to say everything he needed to say into a machine.

" What do you want Jordan?" he was somewhat relieved to hear her weary voice, but his heart broke when he realized she had been crying.

" I need you to listen to me Celeste, without hanging up okay? Please, just don’t hang up on me and give me a chance to explain to you, to talk to you," he begged and she sighed, brokenly, softly.

" There's nothing left to explain or talk about Jordan."

" Yes, there is! Don’t you understand how much I love you? How much I need you? For you to not give me a chance to even talk to you, to explain this...I thought we meant more to each other than that?" he asked.

" I thought we did as well Jordan, but you're not giving us a chance! I've done all the sacrificing here, I've done all the re-arranging and shuffling around of my life. Hell I even moved from New York to be closer to you! My friends, my family, they were all left behind when I moved. But I left them all for you. For you Jordan! I gave up a prospering career, a life, friends, family, my hometown, all for you. And what have you done for me? Pushed me aside, made me just another part of your schedule, just another thing in your life you need to make time for. Well its time that stopped Jordan. And because I know that you aren't capable of making that decision, I'll make it for you. I'll make it very easy for you. I am doing the leaving. I am making the choice and I am doing what needs to be done," Celeste said, sounding unbelievably certain about her choice, about walking away from him and what they had.

" Celeste..."

" No Jordan."

" Celeste!"

" Jordan, I love you, I swear I do. But I will not play second fiddle to you anymore."

" So you're just giving up? Just like that?" he asked, still not fully believing she was serious.

" No, not just like that. If you were home a bit more maybe you would have seen this coming sooner. But surely you knew we couldn't go on like this, that our relationship would fail in the long run?"

" No I didn't know that! I thought we were making a real go of this, that we were working. How can we be over without so much as even a fight, a mere mention of this before now? If you were feeling neglected why didn't you tell me, why didn't you say something?"

" Would you have listened? Would you have even cared?"

" Yes. And yes! I love you..."

" Loving and caring are two completely different things Jordan! You may love me, but sometimes I doubt you care for me, or care for anyone else but yourself for that matter," her words didn't surprise him. Sometimes he wondered the same thing, especially with her. Some deep rooted protective instinct told him that maybe getting close to Celeste would only end up with his heart being broken, despite his certainty that he loved her. But for her to have picked up on it, to have realized that he was holding a piece of himself back...well it just made him wonder what else she felt, what else she had seen and not told him.

" Celeste, maybe I've never been completely forthcoming with my feelings when it come to you, but I do know that I love you deeply, more than I honestly thought was possible. Please Celeste, just give me a chance!"

" No Jordan. Not possible. Sometimes love isn't enough," she said.

" It should be."

" Well its not. A relationship is a lot more than two people saying 'I Love You' occasionally. It’s also a lot more than seeing each other once every two months. Communication, honesty...just two of the many aspects of a relationship and just two of the many we don’t have."

" If you stay until I get home, we can work on that," he told her and she sighed. He realized that his begging and pleading was probably going to be futile if she had her mind set on leaving.

" Jordan, that's over a week away."

" And you can’t stay for one more week after staying for almost twelve months?"

" That’s not as simple as it sounds."

" Why not? I won’t call you, wont talk to you for the next week, if that’s what you want. But please, don’t leave. That’s all I'm asking. Give me one week."

" Jordan..."

" One week is all I'm asking for Celeste."

" I cant Jordan, I-I just cant okay?"

" Why?"

" Because I'm lonely Jordan. I'm alone and I'm scared that my whole life is going to revolve around you. I've always been independent and it scares me when I see myself bowing to your every wish, your every command like some, some common slave girl!"

*****

'i guess it feels like you're always alone...and i feel that way too...its so hard to explain to you...please understand what i do...'

" You aren't the only one Celeste, believe me. I'm lonely as well. But why would you think of yourself as a slave?"

" I'm giving in to you. I rearrange my whole life to suit you. I'm so unbelievably subservient. I look in the mirror and the woman I see looking back at me is not the same as the woman who left New York a year ago to be close to you. It scares me when I realize exactly what I've done to my life since meeting you," Celeste said softly.

" I-I..." he didn't know what to say.

" Jordan, I just can’t keep living my life to please you. I need more than that now. I've needed more than that for a long time, I just haven't said anything. I need more than a boyfriend who's at home one day, gone thirty. Sometimes love is enough to make those sort of relationships work, but this time its not going to work. I'm not strong enough to handle watching you leave anymore. I can’t face another goodbye, or another phone call telling me you're being delayed again."

" Celeste..."

" There's nothing left to say Jordan, cant you see that? What we had was good while it lasted. Please, just let it end peacefully, let it end the right way, with no hatred or fighting," she was begging him, and it hurt him to hear that. She was a strong woman, despite what she thought, and to hear her begging him to end their relationship easily...it all but tore his heart out.

" Celeste, I don’t want to give you up."

" You have no choice in this matter anymore Jordan."

" Damn it, that’s not fair!"

" Do you think its fair that while you're having wonderful success in your chosen career, I'm left working in a two bit law firm with a sexist bastard for a boss? I'm a damn good lawyer Jordan but I gave up my dream of working in New York because you asked me to. I didn't think it was fair that I had to make that kind of sacrifice, but I didn't say anything at the time. Now I wished I had. Maybe it would have saved us a hell of a lot of heartbreak."

" I love you Celeste."

" It's not enough."

" You said it would be. You told me, after I explained what I would be doing, that love would be enough to keep us together, that it would be enough to keep you by my side."

" Do you hear what you're saying Jordan? By your side. It’s all about you! It’s always been about you! Why can’t it be about me for once?"

" What do you want from me?"

" I want you to give up touring and move to New York with me," he words were met with a deafening silence.

" You know I can’t do that Celeste," Jordan finally said and she sighed.

" No Jordan, it’s more like you wont do that. And I'm not asking you to do it, because I know how much you love singing and performing. I would never ask you to give up something you love so much," what she wasn't saying was clear.

" In other words, you wont ask me to do what I asked you to, is that right?"

" Oh Jordan...I knew that by giving up my job in New York I wouldn't be happy, but I was willing to forgo that for a chance to be with you. But its not working, and it never will. "

" You haven't given it a chance!"

" I've been with you for a year!"

" But I've only been touring for half of that."

" More than enough time to know that this is not going to work out. We are not going to work out what to do, how to live together separately. What would you have me do Jordan, get pregnant just to keep from feeling lonely, to keep from feeling that your career is more important that me?" Celeste asked.

" Celeste..."

" And don’t try to deny it either. We both know that at this stage, you career is much more important to you than me."

" Maybe its taking precedence over you but that doesn't mean it’s more important. I love you. I want to be with you."

" You're on the other side of the country Jordan! How are you planning on being with me from there?"

" Celeste, all I want is that you don’t leave before I can get back home and we can talk."

" Well I'm afraid this time you wont be getting what you want! I've made my decision. I'm moving out as of tomorrow," and with that, she slammed the phone down. He replaced the received more slowly, knowing in his mind that she meant it, that she would leave. His heart was screaming at him, telling him to take the first flight back home, but logic told him that by going back now, it would only make things worse. She would think he was coming back for purely selfish reasons, and maybe he was. Maybe, deep down, he didn't want her walking out on him. What would that say about him? He couldn't keep a woman interested. He wanted a career more than he wanted a woman. So maybe it was selfish reasons for keeping her hanging on, keeping her miserable and lonely. Hell, he didn't even know what the hell he wanted anymore. He knew he loved her, knew she loved him, so why wasn't it working?

He groaned and rested his head against the phone, as images of the two of them together flashed through his mind...the first time they had met, the first time they had kissed, her first smile at him, their first dance, the first time they had made love, their first fight and how they had made up afterward...surely all of those memories weren't going to be all he was left with? What about their first day as a married couple, their first child...what about the life he had wanted for the two of them? Would all of that be lost because they both wanted different things? Surely everything that they had planned wouldn't be thrown away just because of this one conversation. He didn't know, and he'd be damned if he could work out what to do, what to think. He loved her, he wanted to be with her, but it was obvious she no longer wanted the same things. Tomorrow she would remove all traces of her presence in his house. When he got home in a few days, it would be as though she had never lived there, never loved him there. It would be as though her existence in his life had never happened. And he didn't know what hurt him more - the fact that she was leaving his life, or the fact that it would be as though she had never been in it in the first place.

*****

'took my trouble to a bar tonight...for another point of view...but there's nothing new ...i'm missing you...i burn for you...what am i gonna do...i burn for you...'

" Don’t you think you've had enough?" Jordan’s eyes focused drunkenly on Miguel, who was standing by his side, a worried frown on his face.

" Actually, I can still feel, so no, I don’t think I've had enough yet," he said and Miguel sighed.

" Jordan, why didn't you tell someone where you were going?" he asked as he sat on a stool next to Jordan.

" I wanted to be alone," he muttered as he poured himself another drink.

" You had an interview that you threw off because you wanted to be alone?" Miguel was incredulous.

" Oh damn. I forgot about that...oh to hell with it! It was that damn interview that was the reason why I took off in the first damn place!" he said angrily, moving his hand angrily, causing some of the alcohol to spill over the side. Miguel looked at him carefully, trying to work out what he meant.

" OK Jordan, enlighten me."

" Celeste walked out on me." Miguel was silent as he took in this news.

" I'm sorry."

" Don’t say you're sorry! You're not sorry! If you were, you would have done something to get me home on Tuesday like originally planned! Instead I have to tell her that I wont be home until Thursday. We fight, she hangs up on me. Oh yeah, but before she does that, she tells me that she's leaving because she's had enough. If you had've kept your word, none of this would have happened!" Jordan shouted angrily. Miguel sat still, not even blinking as he listened to the words his friend was hurling at him.

" Jordan..."

" Forget it Miguel. Nothing you can say can make this better," he snarled.

" I'm not trying to make it better! I just want to say something in my defense! You're playing the parts of judge, jury and executioner without giving me one damn minute to explain."

" What could you possibly try and explain? You are my manager. You promised me at the beginning of this tour that I would be home on time. Well, you broke that promise. I was meant to be home three weeks ago. Celeste was disappointed, but she understood. Then two weeks ago she was hurt, but still, she understood. A week ago she asked me how many more delays there would be. I told her none, I would be home on Tuesday, without a doubt. And I have to tell her today that again I was not going to be coming home when I promised. I've been on the road for six months Miguel. I just want to go home and get home on time for once. I haven't seen her in three months. Two lousy days I spent with her, and then I had to go again. Well I'm sick of it. I want to go home and be with the woman I love. But I cant do that because I have concerts to do, people to suck up to and a god damn managed to kill!" Jordan was incredibly angry at this point, his eyes glacially cold as he glared at his friend.

" You wanted this."

" Like hell I wanted this!"

" You wanted to tour, you wanted to sing, you wanted to perform. This was entirely your decision. So don’t you think that you can pass the blame on me. If you want to get drunk, that’s fine by me, but do not blame me for your troubles, for your life. Your choice. Your life. If you and Celeste were having problems, then it was because of the decisions you had made. Find someone else to cry to Jordan because I have taken as much crap from you that any one person should," Miguel said angrily and got to his feet, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. He opened it and removed several notes, slapping them down on the counter and nodding to the bartender," This should pay for my friend’s drinks. When the money runs out, kick him out. If he gives you any trouble, knock him out."

" Miguel..." Jordan finally realized that he had gone too far.

" Good night Jordan," Miguel left the bar, leaving Jordan angry at himself for going too far. God damn it, why had he done that? It wasn't Miguel’s fault. It was his own. If he really wanted to go home, he would have. He would have made his decision and would have flown home, regardless of other commitments. Celeste walking out on him had just been what he had deserved, what he was entitled to. His life had no room in it for a girlfriend, a wife so who had he been kidding when he had thought he had a future with this woman? He was a fool to think that any woman would be willing to put up with his life, his career. It was time he realized that until he wanted nothing more to do with the industry he loved so much, no woman would ever what anything to do with him.

*****

The End

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