Every Now and Then

By: Kasey

'I walked down to the park last night...warm breeze stirring up a soft moonlight...and my mind started drifting to way back when...yes I do think about you every now and then...'

His head was down bent, he had his hands in the pockets of his faded blue jeans and he was walking fast along the path. He didn't notice the other people around him, didn't notice the soft moonlight, the warm breeze that stirred the treetops. He was just intent on getting to the his place...to the place where he felt the most comfortable. His mind wasn't on now, it was on then. His mind wasn't on the woman waiting for him at home, it was on a woman from his past, a woman who taught him a lot. It seemed like so long ago but it was only two years. Two years since he had seen her smile, heard her laugh, felt her touch, since she had left. She had been the first woman who had overlooked his stardom, his fame, his life as a singer. She had accepted him, faults and all and let him be himself where others wouldn't. She had been moonlight and softness, warm and inviting, loving and feisty all at the same time.

In the two years since she had left, he had moved on, found someone to love again but still, her memory lived in his heart and mind, waiting for the day when he would be able to release it without the pain and hurt he felt at her leaving. He didn't know when that would be. As much as he loved Cara, he knew that part of his heart would never be hers.

He saw the gates to the ground and walked towards the tree that was his haven, his safety net. When the memories became too much, he came here. He would sit under the branches and think - of Kasey, of her smile, her laughter, her joy, the way he had felt being with her, the way she had made him feel when she told him she loved him. She had been in his life for such a short amount of time but she had changed the way he thought about love. The way he had thought about life had changed as well.

Jordan stood at the trees, staring up at the stars that he could see. It would be so easy to forget her, to just blame her for leaving him but he knew it wasn't her fault. He knew that she hadn't wanted to leave but she had no choice in the matter. But he hadn't let the hate and bitterness eat away at him. Instead, he had kept the memories to himself for the times when he needed them the most.

'The other day I saw a car like the one you used to drive...I got a funny feeling down deep inside...and for the briefest moment I felt a smile begin...yes I do think about you every now and then...'

Jordan thought back to Tuesday when he had seen a car exactly like the one he had bought for Kasey when they had moved in with each other. Nothing fancy or expensive, just something small enough to travel around Boston with. The sight of the familiar car, the car he had immediately sold after she had left, was enough to bring back the memory of the day they had bought it. She had been so excited at the thought of actually owning a car for the first time in her life that she had bounced up and down in his car all the way to the car yard. He had loved her exuberance at the thought of owning something. She hadn't even looked at another car once she had seen the jeep. One look and she had loved it and declared it hers. So he had bought it for her and enjoyed her enthusiasm. But when she had left and once Jordan had emerged from his trance he had slipped into once she had left he had sold the car, not even bothering with the less than expected price he had received for it. He had just wanted to get rid of it, the sight of it too painful to deal with in those first few months. He was smiling a little now, the memories of those happy days strong enough to break through the misery and tension he had been experiencing lately.

'I love my life and I'd never trade...between what you and me had and the life I've made...she's here and she's real but you were too...and every once in a while I think about you...'

Jordan thought about Cara, who was at home, waiting for him to arrive. She would have dinner ready. Maybe she would even be in that sexy negligee he had bought for her on their six-month anniversary. Cara was warm, willing and he did love her. He really did. She was here with him, Kasey wasn't. But Cara was not a substitute. She was the woman Jordan planned on marrying. Not the one he would have proposed to two years ago but this was the present. He couldn't live in the past forever. Kasey wouldn't have wanted him to. She had made that very clear. He deserved love. He deserved a woman to give him that love. And if he didn't, if he lived in the past forever, clinging to the memory of a woman long gone. Then he would be wasting the chance that God had given him. And she didn't want him wasting his life loving a woman who was gone. As many times as he had refused to listen, to accept that, she had pushed him into moving on and keeping her in the past where she belonged. It had hurt both of them to hear her say those words but what could they have done?

He had a good life. He was in love again, planning a future with this woman, he had a successful career, he had his health, his family...he had built up a reputation of being a flawless producer and singer, he was about to start up his own studio, a long time dream that Kasey had shared with him, a dream he felt that he half owed to her for her belief that one day he would do it. It was due for opening next month and he was working towards that as well as finishing up his third solo album. Cara was busy with her career, they were happy. They had bought a house together - Jordan had even sold the house he shared with Kasey - and their future was secure. He wouldn't trade his life now for anything. He was happy and in love. That was all that mattered.

His life with Kasey had been just as wonderful, maybe even more so. Children had been part of their future. The house they had shared was filled with love and laughter every day. It had even been filled with music and parties. But again, that was in the past.

'I heard a song on the radio just yesterday...the same one you always asked me to play...and when the song was over...I wish they'd played it again...yes I do think about you every now and then...'

Jordan thought back to yesterday, when he and Cara had been washing the car with the car radio on. A song had started playing and he had frozen, the familiar notes washing over him in painful remembrance. It had been their song. His and Kasey's. She had loved it, and for her he had learned to play it on the piano. It had been during this song that Kasey had left him. The last time he had ever played it to her. It hadn't been a song that had been a hit, it had just been something she loved. Country music in Boston wasn't that common but Kasey had loved country music. So he had heard his fair share of country music in the time they lived together.

Cara had stared at him in surprise, wondering why he had frozen like that. She knew about Kasey, of course she did. He hadn't wanted to keep his relationship with Kasey a secret. But Cara didn't know that he still kept Kasey's picture in his wallet, or that he still loved Kasey. Not in the same way he had when they had been together but still he did love her. He had shrugged her concern off, saying that the song had brought back a memory he didn't like that much. She had soothed him with soft words and a soft caress and he had soon forgotten what he had been thinking.

'I've been layin' here all night listenin' to the rain... talkin' to my heart and trying to explain...why sometimes I catch myself...wondering what might have been... yes I do think about you every now and then...'

He often lay in bed at night, his eyes focused on the ceiling above him, trying to imagine what life would have been like if Kasey had still been with him. They definitely would have married by now, maybe even been parents as well. As much as he tried to tell himself that he would get over her, and not think about what might have been, he often found himself just staring into space thinking about Kasey and life with and without her.

Jordan knelt down on the ground and smoothed his hand over the smooth marble. It was no use trying to imagine what life might have been like with Kasey. She had died two years ago, and he was now with Cara. But he would always remember her, and the way she had loved him, even right up till the cancer had taken her from him. And as much as he wanted to hate God for taking her away, he knew that there would come the day when they would be together again.

The End

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