Guilty

By: Kasey

Copyright: 1999

She unlocked front door and entered the house, a frown on her face as she thought of the coming night but she stopped still when she saw the bags packed and sitting in the hallway. She placed her bag and keys on the hallway table and called out to him. His muffled reply came from the bedroom so she headed into there and stared at the disaster area in front of her.

" What are you doing?" she asked and he looked up from sorting through a pile of books.

" What do you think?" He asked sarcastically.

" It looks like you're moving out. But it can't be that. You said we could talk about this. You weren't going to leave without talking this through!" she said, walking over to where he was sitting in the floor.

" I changed my mind," he said and placed the books that was his into the box in front of him.

" You can't do that! You promised to give this a chance! Walking away now is not giving this relationship a chance!" she said and he laughed bitterly.

" This relationship never had a chance Kasey. It was over the minute you took that job," Jordan said bitterly and Kasey stared at him in shock.

" What's wrong with my job Jordan? You were the one who said that I could work if I wanted to. I only took the damn job because I didn't want to make you feel as though I was expecting you to support me," Kasey said as she watched Jordan get to his feet.

" I also told you that I would support you if you didn't want to work. But no. You had to go out and prove yourself an important career woman. Well, are you happy now Kasey? You're important, you have a job...but I'm still leaving," Jordan said and stalked into the living room. Kasey followed him after slipping her shoes off.

" I told you that I didn't want you to think I was only with you because of your money Jordan. I wanted to prove to you that I loved you for you. Obviously that meant nothing to you. What did you want me to do Jordan? Stay at home and wait for those babies that will never come? I can't do that Jordan. I'd go crazy sitting here hoping for something I know that I will never have!" Kasey said as Jordan started going through the CD collection.

" You don't understand why I'm leaving Kasey."

" Why don't you tell me Jordan?"

" What's the point? Its not like you ever listen anyway!"

" That is bullshit! I always listen to you. I have never turned away from you, or not listened to you. I have always been here for you!" Kasey said angrily, daring him to look at her. But he wouldn't. He just continued sorting through the CDs as though they were his lifeline.

" Always Kasey?" he asked quietly.

" Always!"

" How about those times I called you at work? The day I found out Interscope wasn't releasing my CD? I needed you then Kasey and you were too busy too talk. You had to go to some meeting. What about the time I called you at work and you put me on hold? You never came back, you just cut me off and ignored me. I will not come second in your life Kasey," Jordan said angrily. Kasey stalked over to him and snatched the CDs from his hands. She stared down at them, trying to get her temper under control," See! Look what you're doing now! You don't want to listen to me so you're focusing on something else!" Kasey surprised him - and herself - when she threw the CDs across the room, where they hit the wall and the cases split open. Jordan stared at her as she silently counted to ten and then looked at him.

" I am not focusing in something else. I am trying not to hit you!" she snarled through clenched teeth.

" That's right. Use anger! Its what you always do Kasey! You're never one to sit down and talk rationally!" Jordan said sarcastically. Kasey's hand moved as fast neither of them realizes what was happening until the sharp slap reverberated around them. Jordan's brown eyes glittered angrily as Kasey breathed heavily, her blue eyes sharp and as cold as ice," See what I mean?"

" You deserved that," Kasey said.

" Maybe. But you couldn't resist, could you? Just had to use violence. How would you like it if I hit you?" Jordan's snarled, grabbing Kasey's wrist as she went to hit him again," No way sweetheart. The first time was free. Next time you wont be so god damn lucky."

" Why did I ever get involved with you? You've been nothing but a bastard to me!" Kasey said, throwing angry words at him.

" In perfect response to the bitch in you my dear," Jordan drawled icily.

" You want to leave? Fine. Get the hell out. You think I even want you in my life anymore? Why we ever married in the first place is beyond me. I should have realized that all you wanted in a wife was a decoration. Someone to show off," Kasey said as she walked over to the CDs that she had thrown.

" If that was the case, why didn't I marry Gina?" Jordan asked and Kasey held in the hurt gasp that was bubbling at the surface. He had to bring it up, didn't he?

" Why didn't you Jordan?" Kasey asked tiredly and left the CDs on the floor and left the room, leaving Jordan standing there, cursing at his wayward tongue. But this always happened. Whenever they fought, he brought up Gina, as though she was really the one he loved. But Gina was long forgotten. But she was Kasey's weak link, the one thing Jordan knew to bring up to hurt her. And he hated himself every time he did it. But things in their marriage had disintegrated to almost nothing but hate and recriminations now. That's why he was leaving. As much as he didn't want to, he knew this was the only way they could even remain friends.

*****

Kasey stepped under the shower and let the tears fall. Where had things started going wrong? The minute she took the job? The minute the doctor told them she would never have a baby? Or the very minute they had met? Maybe all three things had finally collided. Two years of marriage, a year of dating, six months of being 'just friends' were all about to go down the drain, in a court of law. When had they fallen out of love? Had they ever really been in love? Or had it been rebound on Jordan's part, and loneliness on hers? Their marriage had been good at the beginning, damn good. Then she hadn't been able to fall pregnant. And they had been trying since they first started dating. So they had gone through all the tests, only to find out that she was the one unable to carry a baby full term. It had taken two miscarriages and days and days of heartbreak to find that out. Jordan had wanted to adopt, she hadn't been so sure. Then she had seen an ad for a job she knew she was perfect for. So she had gone for the interview and had gotten it. That had been a year ago. She and Jordan had stopped discussing babies and adoption and a family while she had concentrated on her career as a cadet journalist. Jordan had stopped asking her to look at adoption books, stopped asking her to come with him to adoption interviews. From that moment on their marriage had started to fold. Their lovemaking had become routine and cold, until it had finally stopped all together. She was hardly ever home, so Jordan spent a lot of time with his friends. Kasey's friends became worried about them so Kasey stopped seeing them as much., She knew that had hurt Suz and Celly but what else could she have done? They were asking her questions she couldn't answer. Both of them had great marriages. Suz and Donnie had a two-year-old boy, Duke Elliott and Suz had just given birth to a beautiful little girl Amiee Lynn. Celly and Joe were expecting their first baby any day now. It wasn't only the questions that made Kasey uncomfortable, it was the fact that she couldn't give Jordan the children he so longed for.

The water suddenly turned cold so Kasey got out of the shower, drying herself and realizing she hadn't brought in any clean clothes. Not even thinking that Jordan would be in their bedroom, she tied the towel just above her breasts and opened the door, nearly doubling over in shock when she saw Jordan leaning back on his elbow in the bed.

*****

" I thought you were leaving," Kasey asked him, stopping in the doorway of the bathroom. Jordan pushed himself up so he was sitting on the bed, staring at her.

" You always looked so good freshly showered," he said huskily. Kasey knew that look in his eyes. She had seen it so many times before their marriage had turned sour.

" You always talked rubbish after a fight," she sniped and instantly the soft look in his eyes disappeared, only to be replaced by anger.

" I'm trying to say I'm sorry for what I said before," Jordan said angrily and Kasey laughed as she sat down at her dressing table, picking up the hand cream. She looked at Jordan in the mirror and saw his eyes light with desire.

" I don't care what you want to say Jordan. You never say what you don't mean, we both know that. Maybe you should have married Gina. At least she'd be the wife you want and need," Kasey said as she smoothed the cream over the top of her chest and shoulders.

" If I wanted to marry Gina I would have when I had the chance. Doesn't the fact that I chose you over Gina give you any hint at the way I feel about you?" Jordan asked, coming up behind her. He rested his hands on her shoulders. Kasey hid the slight shiver that ran through her body at his touch. He had the power to make her feel things she had never felt before.

" It only tells me that Gina didn't want you. Look Jordan. This is getting us no where. You want to leave? Leave. I don't plan on stopping you. You want out of this marriage, I'll only be too happy to sign any papers you want," she said and tried to stand up. But Jordan's hands resisted her," Let me up Jordan!"

" I need you to listen to me!"

" We talked downstairs Jordan. There's nothing more to say to each other. Will you let me up?" Kasey asked as Jordan's grip tightened on her shoulders," Ow! Jordan that hurts!"

" I'm not letting you up until you listen to me!" he said and bent over. He placed one arm under her knees and lifted her up. He held her close to his body as he walked over to the bed and dropped her on it. Her towel came undone and lay open, baring her naked body to his eyes.

" Jordan, don't do this," Kasey begged, watching as he started to remove his clothes.

" It wont be rape Kasey. You want me as much as I want you. I can see it in your body. The way your breathing starts to get faster, the way you squeeze your thighs together, the way you look at me. It could never be rape between us," Jordan said and he was finally naked. He joined her on the bed and moved the towel from underneath her body. He threw the towel into the corner and turned his attention back to her.

" This wont solve anything," she whispered as his fingers worked their magic on her body. She arched her back when his tongue joined in and soon, all words were forgotten.

*****

Kasey began to regret their actions the minute their passion was over and Jordan lay breathing heavily on top of her. She closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling. How could she have given in so easy to his lovemaking? She should hate herself. Knowing that the only reason Jordan had even made love to her was to prove a point made her feel like throwing up.

" Get the hell off me," she said angrily, pushing on his chest. He lifted his head from her breasts and stared at her in disbelief.

" What's wrong with you? I thought..." Jordan started to say but stopped when he saw the look in her eyes," Damn it. You wanted this. You wanted me. Don't try and deny it now. This," Jordan thrust slightly forward and Kasey realized he was still inside her," Is what we both wanted."

" You were trying to prove a point! Making love to me, making me give in to you was just a macho point!" Kasey said and pushed him once more. This time he didn't give any resistance. Kasey scrambled to her feet and wrapped a robe around her body.

" I wasn't trying to prove any point! I was making love to my wife. Is there anything wrong with that?" Jordan asked as he sat on the bed, his legs bent, the sheet covering him from the waist down.

" I want you gone. Get the hell out of here!" Kasey yelled at him but he didn't budge. So Kasey grabbed jeans, a shirt and underwear and entered the bath room, slamming the door behind her.

" We need to talk about this Kasey," she could hear Jordan through the door, even though she didn't want to. She quickly slipped on her clothes, ran a brush through her hair and opened the door. Jordan was still sitting on the bed, staring at the door.

" No, we don't Jordan. You can sit here and congratulate yourself on seducing me but you won't be able to get me to sit down and talk to you right now. I'm going out," Kasey said and left the bedroom. She heard Jordan curse and then heard a loud thump and another curse. Jordan must have been tangled up in the sheets trying to follow her. By the time Jordan got down the stairs and to the front door, Kasey was already driving away, too fast on an icy night. His heart jumped to his throat when the car seemed to skid and then he breathed a sigh of relief as she corrected the car and slowed down a little. Damn it. This was not what he had wanted to happen! He hadn't been trying to make a point. He just wanted to show her how much he loved her. What had he done wrong? In the first days of their marriage, if they had fought, all he had to do was take her to bed and she would forgive him. Why hadn't that worked this time?

*****

She wasn't paying attention to the road. She should have been but she wasn't. She was crying, her heart broken over what Jordan had done. She was driving a little too fast on a very icy road and didn't see the car that ran the red light. And the minute she felt the impact, heard the glass crashing, she knew, right then, that she should have been paying attention to driving instead of Jordan.

*****

She wanted to wake up but couldn't. Her arms and legs weren't moving, as much as she wanted them to. Their was a soft voice calling out to her and she wanted to answer it but she couldn't. There was something in her mouth, preventing her from talking and something was holding her arms down so she couldn't reach out. She tried to open her eyes but couldn't manage it. She so desperately wanted to call out to the voice, tell whoever it was that she could hear them. But she couldn't. God, what was wrong? Why couldn't she speak? Why couldn't she lift her arm? Whoever was calling out to her sounded so lost, so alone. She wanted to reach out and comfort them. But the heavy darkness took its toll and she slipped back into a dreamless sleep.

*****

" Is she never going to wake up?" Jordan asked the doctor hoarsely. Suz, Celly, Donnie and Joe were surrounding Kasey's bed, identical looks of loss and despair on their faces.

" Kasey was very seriously injured Mr. Knight. She received some pretty serious head injuries and being in a coma is the best thing for her right now. She has a lot of injuries to heal from," the doctor told him.

" What about the head injuries? How serious are they exactly?" Suz asked, looking at the still form on the bed that was her friend. How could this have happened?

" We don't know I'm afraid. Until she wakes up, we won't know the extent of the damage. She could come out of this with no side effects, she could have brain damage...the problems are numerous. We just have to wait until she wakes up," and with that the doctor left. Jordan collapsed into the chair beside the bed and held his head in his hands. Donnie placed a hand on his shoulder, trying desperately to comfort him in some way. But it was so hard when his friends wife was lying on deaths door.

" How could this have happened?" Suz asked Jordan. Donnie hugged her close to him with his free arm.

" I don't know. We were fighting and she drove away. Then the police called, telling me she was on her way to the hospital," Jordan said, his voice racked with grief.

" What were you fighting about?" Suz asked.

" Damn it! It was something so silly and childish! She wouldn't sit down and talk to me, instead she ran. I can't even remember what the fight was about!" Jordan said, raking a hand through his hair.

" You were leaving, weren't you Jordan?" Suz asked and he hesitated briefly before nodding.

" I had to. It wasn't possible to stay anymore," Jordan defended himself but it was too late. Suz was already facing him down, fire in her eyes, anger etched in her grief stricken face.

" You were leaving her and now she's in hospital. Saves on a divorce, doesn't it Jordan? You won't have to pay out all those fees now! Are you happy you selfish bastard? Are you satisfied?" Suz yelled at him in anger. Jordan just stared at her in surprise and guilt.

" I never wanted her hurt Suz. I was leaving because I love her! That was the only way we could stay friends! I never expected her to run from me and get in this accident! You make it sound like I am to blame for this!" Jordan said.

" Damn straight you are! This is your fault Jordan Knight! If my friend dies because you were too selfish to work it out with her, I will never forgive you!" Suz yelled and stalked out of the room. After several uncomfortable seconds, Celly followed her out, glancing at Jordan, sympathy all over her face. Sympathy for who, Jordan wondered bitterly.

" She's upset Jordan. She didn't really mean it okay?" Donnie said but Jordan shook his head.

" She meant it. And I don't blame her. Because if I had've just made her stay, she wouldn't be here, in this hospital. Damn it, it is all my fault!" Jordan said hoarsely.

*****

She opened her eyes and stared around the room, trying to lick her dry lips. Where was she? What was she doing her? And what the hell was down her throat. She tried to speak but the words came out sounding gargled. But someone instantly loomed over her. Who was he?

" Kasey? Are you awake?" who was Kasey? Was she Kasey?" Hang on a sec Kasey. I'll go get the doctor okay?" the man left her vision but was quickly back with another man. This man took the thing from her mouth, but it hurt terribly. She cried out as it was removed and the other man placed a hand on her face, smoothing his finger down her cheek. She quieted down then and held back her pain as the final part of the tube thing was removed. Then the man lifted her head and tipped a paper cup to her mouth, allowing her a small sip of the water in there. She swallowed it and licked her lips again, wincing at the cracked and chafed skin.

" Where am I?" she croaked and the first man sighed in relief.

" Oh my god," he said and grabbed hold of her hand and squeezed. This man knew her, he must because he was so familiar with her. But who was he? And who was she? She searched her mind for anything, but could only come up with one thing - she didn't know who the hells he was.

" Mr. Knight, would you be able to sit outside and wait until I finish my examination?" the doctor said. He had seen the panic flash in the woman's eyes and knew something wasn't right. Jordan agreed reluctantly and the doctor waited until the door was shut behind him before he started questioning her.

" Can you tell me your name?" he asked gently. He watched her and he could see her trying to think, trying to find something that she could be sure about but in the end, she just shook her head and he felt some pity for the woman," What can you tell me?"

" I was hoping you'd be able to tell me," she said hoarsely and he frowned as he moved his hand round her scalp. She winced once or twice but he couldn't feel any injuries that would account for what he suspected was amnesia.

" Did you recognize the man before?"

" No."

" Do you know why you're here?"

" Where am I first?" she asked.

" Boston Mercy hospital." Hospital? What was she doing in hospital?

" Why am I in hospital? What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember my name?" the woman asked and the doctor frowned again. She was becoming panicky. She he gave her a sedative and soon she slipped off to sleep again. He made several notations on her chart and then went outside to face this woman's husband and friends.

*****

" Amnesia?" Jordan repeated, staring at the doctor incredulously.

" Yes."

" How long...what can she remember?" he asked.

" Nothing. She can't remember her name, she can't remember you, she can't remember why she is in hospital. Amnesia is a real tricky thing. We don't know much about the brain, therefore we know next to nothing about amnesia."

" Damn it! This woman has a life, she has friends, she has me! How can all of that be wiped out? Will her memory come back at all?" Jordan asked in frustration.

" It may. It may not. Nothing can be done to help her. The only thing to do is take her home, give her plenty of love and support and try to help her piece her life together," the doctor said.

" No. Damn it no! Kasey can't just lose her life like that! I want to see the best god damn neurosurgeon in this country! I need to know everything about amnesia and what causes it and how it can be treated! She is not going to lose her life like this!" Jordan said and stalked back into the private hospital room.

" The neurosurgeon will only tell you what I have," the doctor said but Donnie glared at him.

" Get the best doc. That woman in there is very special to all of us. Jordan is right. She cannot lose her life like that. Get the doctor here. Money is not a problem," Donnie said and left the doctor standing in the hall way, bemused at this turn of events. He was considered the best doctor in Boston, they still wanted someone better? He walked away from the room, shaking his head. It was going to be a waste of money getting a doctor in to tell them exactly what he had just said.

*****

" I live here?" they were the first words Kasey had uttered since leaving the hospital. Jordan smiled slightly. She sounded so surprised. Where did she expect she lived?

" Yes. You fell in love with the place the moment you saw it. Do you remember that?" he asked, holding his breath, hoping against hope. The neurosurgeon that had been called in had told them exactly the same thing as the other doctor had. Time and patience would be the only thing they could give her. And with the reasons behind the amnesia still not completely clear, no one knew for sure if she would ever get her memory back.

" I wish I could Jordan," Kasey said sadly and he blew out the breath. Oh well. He had plenty of time to give her.

" That's okay hon. I have enough memories for both of us," he said softly and she smiled at him, such a sad, lost smile that his heart clenched at the sight of it.

" I wish I could remember everything you keep telling me. I mean, we're married! I don't remember our wedding, our first date, when we met...anything about us! And I feel so bad about that!" she said as he grabbed her overnight bag from the back seat of the car and led her up the walkway to the front door.

" You don't need to feel bad about anything! You were in a pretty bad accident! I'm just happy that you're alive! You memory is such a small thing when it comes to that," he told her as he unlocked the front door. Yeah and you still haven't told her about the fight, a guilty little voice whispered. But he pushed that away as they entered the house. Kasey walked inside and stopped at the entrance to the living room. He could see her frown as she looked around and knew that she was trying desperately to remember anything about this house.

" Nothing is familiar to me here," she said, almost despondent.

" Just give it time sweetie. That's all it will take. Time and patience. I'm sure your memory will come back any day now. And then you'll be able to remember everything," he said and looked away from her as a guilty flush stained his cheeks. 'Everything' included the fight and what she had accused him of.

" Somehow I don't think I'm a very patient person," she said frustratedly and he laughed as he wrapped his arms around her waits and pulled her close to him. She melted in his arms and sighed, resting her head on his chest. Damn she felt so warm and good.

" You aren't particularly patient. But you've managed to control that over the years we've known each other."

" That's been almost three years, right? You told me that we've been married two years. Do we have any children?" she asked and his stomach dropped. How could he tell her what the doctor had told them? The first time had been terrible - a second time...well he didn't know if either of them could handle it again. That had been the start of their trouble.

" Well...we've known each other almost three years, married two," he said and hesitated.

" Jordan?" she was looking at him with such trust in her eyes.

" We can't have children Kasey," he said gently and she stared at him unblinkingly for several moments before looking away.

" Oh," she said quietly and he sighed when she moved away from him," Is it me or..."

" The doctor said you can't carry a baby to full term. I didn't want to have to tell you this again. It was bad the first time," he said but she was shaking her head.

" No. Its good you told me. I mean, what use would it be for us to try for babies that would never come, right?" she asked and laughed brightly but he could sense her pain underneath that exterior.

" Kasey..." he tried to reach out to her but despite the fact she had amnesia, she still managed to close down on him. It had been something about her he had despised. Closing down emotionally, not letting herself get hurt...something she had almost perfected over the years.

" Its okay Jordan. Really! Are you going to show me the rest of the house?" she asked him, turning away and heading up stairs. He stared after her and sighed running a hand through his hair in frustration. Damn it, he didn't want to lose her a second time. He had been given a second chance here. He was determined to make it work. His thoughts were interrupted by her call," Jordan? Why are there boxes in the bedroom?" He swore. Damn, he'd forgotten about those boxes. How was he going to explain them now? He sighed as he took the stairs two at a time. It was going to be a long tough haul.

*****

" I wish I could remember you Suz, Celly," Kasey started to say but Suz put up a hand to stop her.

" Kasey, its okay. We're here to help you remember. But if you keep apologizing for something that you cant help, then its going to get us nowhere," Suz said, gently but firmly and Kasey nodded.

" Okay, so what exactly do you remember?" Celly asked and Kasey shrugged.

" Not much. Flashes really. Nothing substantial. I can see a property of some sort, with people milling around, horses, cows, fences...and red dirt. But it's all flashes. I wish I could pinpoint what it is and where it is," she said and Suz nodded, bringing out a photo album. She opened it up to the front page, where three photos of Kasey and some friends of hers were.

" Okay Kase. You were born in Australia, and lived on a property just outside of a small mining town until you moved to the city. What you're probably seeing is this property where you grew up," Suz said as she slowly turned the pages, hoping that one of the photos would bring back some sort of memory. Kasey looked at them, a frown marring her face, until one photo made her stop. It was of her at six years of age, with group of kids near a creek. She tapped her finger against the picture.

" This one. For some reason this one brings back memories of a woman screaming and a little boy," she said and Suz and Celly shared a look.

" That's your cousin Daniel, Kase. This photo was taken minutes before he fell into the creek and drowned. You were both six years old when it happened and that's why you wont go into a swimming pool or into the ocean. You're terrified of the water and wont go near deep water, no matter who is with you," Suz said and watched as Kasey stared at the photo, at the gap toothed dark haired little boy who had died so tragically. God she hoped this worked. Otherwise Kasey would be feeling guilty because she couldn't remember a cousin she had loved so dearly. And that was the last thing Suz wanted for her friend.

*****

" Have you told her?"

" No."

" Damn it Jordan. You'll have to tell her at some point. It may help bring back her memory," Suz said.

" What am I supposed to tell her? That we had a fight and that was the reason why she left? Could be the reason why she had that accident? If that brings back her memory, then I don't want it to come back," Jordan said angrily.

" Don't be so selfish! That woman in there had a life before this accident. She has memories, family, friends that she can't remember because of something that may have happened due to your pig headedness. Do not make me be the one to tell her Jordan! Because this needs to come from you!" Suz said.

" I won't tell her while she's so happy! I haven't seen her like this since the first few months of our marriage! Telling her everything that we went through before the accident will not help her."

" Yes it will! You tell her Jordan or I will. Your choice. You might be able to soften it, I wont. I'll tell her the whole nasty truth, whether you like it or not," Suz said and stormed out. Jordan stood there, and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. Suz was right. He had to tell Kasey everything. But how could he do that? She could walk out on him again. And he didn't know if that was something he could go through twice.

" Jordan? Was that Suz I just heard?" Kasey asked. He spun around in surprise.

" That was Suz."

" She didn't want to see me?" she asked as she dried her hair.

" She dropped off to talk to me about something."

" Oh. Is everything all right?" Kasey asked.

" Yes. Why do you ask?" he was nervous now. Just how much had she heard?

" Oh, Suz was yelling. I've never heard her yell. And she was yelling at you. Why?"

" Just a slight problem we had a little while ago. Suz didn't agree with me."

" And she's still fighting with you now?" Kasey looked surprised.

" In a way," he said evasively and Kasey looked at him, disbelief evident in her eyes.

" I don't think so. What's wrong?" she asked.

" Nothing. I just..."

" Please don't tell me there's nothing wrong. Because there obviously is if Suz is yelling at you and you're yelling at her and she leaves angrily. What's going on?"

" I told you already. Nothing," he said and Kasey looked at him. Then she looked away, but not before he saw the fear in her eyes.

"Affair having an affair?"

" What??"

" Are you having an affair? Is that why Suz is yelling at you? Does she know about it?" Kasey asked and he could see that this was something that had been bothering her for awhile.

" No! God, no! I would never cheat on you! That is not it! I promise you!" he said, sitting down on the lounge chair next to her and talking her hands into his.

" Then why are you yelling at Suz and why aren't you telling me what's wrong? You're hiding something from me and I want to know what it is!" she said. She was getting more and more upset by the minute and he knew that he has to do something to calm her down. And the only thing that would do that was to tell her the truth.

*****

" So we're not getting along good? You were leaving me? Why? That isn't clear. Why were we having problems and why were you leaving?" Kasey asked. Mid way through his explanation, she had moved from the lounge chair and was now pacing in front of him. She wouldn't look at him, touch him...anything. And that worried him.

" I was leaving because we...we just grew apart. When the doctor told us you'd never have children, you closed down on me emotionally. You wouldn't talk about it or anything."

" So this is my fault? I caused you to leave?" she asked and he groaned silently.

" No! Please! Kasey, none of this is your fault!"

" It sounds like it is! You said I closed down emotionally. You said I wouldn't talk about it. Who else is to blame if its not me?" she asked him, sounding very much like a hurt little girl.

" Me. Blame me for this. I swear none of it is your fault..."

" Stop lying to me!"

" I'm not!"

" Yes, you are! If I closed down emotionally and if I never talked about what happened, then it is my fault!" she shouted.

" No. It was me. I forced the issue. I wouldn't leave you alone. I kept at it and at it until you pulled away from me. What I said to you, I never meant. But I was hurting. And neither of us was willing to sit down and talk. We ended up fighting. And when you were willing to sit down and talk, I walked out. Or went to. The night I was leaving, we had a fight. Then we made love and we had another fight. It ended with you leaving and then the accident happened."

" So why did you even bother coming to the hospital if you were leaving me?"

" Because I never wanted to leave! I was doing that so we could still be friends! We were turning out to be enemies. And I love you too much to let that happen."

" Were we getting a divorce?"

" We hadn't really talked much about it. I was just going to move out and see if we could cool down before we went to counseling. I wasn't planning to divorce you."

" Well at least that's something. And this is what you and Suz were fighting about? That you hadn't told me about this before?" Kasey asked, finally looking at him.

" Yes. She doesn't like me very much at the moment. I don't think she ever has."

" Jordan, why didn't you tell me this before?"

" Because I didn't want you to get worried about something that you couldn't remember. I didn't think it would help bring back any memories but other people think differently."

" So you kept this from me."

" Yes."

" Lied to me."

" No I never lied to you."

" You were lying when you told me those boxes were for storage. You could have told me then what they were for instead of leaving the explanation for now," she said.

" I didn't want to worry about it. It wasn't anything you needed to worry about right then!"

" I think it is! Jordan, this is our marriage we're talking about here! I thought we had no problems! I thought we were happy, except for the fact that we had no kids. But..."

" We are okay! Everything is fine now. Look at us. We're happy! We're exactly the way we were when we were first married!"

" And is that making you fully happy Jordan? Knowing that the problems we had when I could remember have been hidden away from view? What if I never remember again? Will you still think we're happy?"

" Yes. Because we are happy. I still love you. Its not as though I'm staying with you out of pity or sympathy. I'm with you because I love you."

" How can I know that for sure? You've lied to me, kept important aspects of our relationship from me and you expect me to trust you, believe that you're here with me because you love me? I don't buy it," she said and he stared at her in bewildered disbelief.

" You can't mean that!"

" I do mean it. What I thought we had has been nothing but a deceptive shield to keep me from finding out what really happened."

" It wasn't! I swear it wasn't."

" I'm sorry Jordan. I really wish I could believe you. But it's too hard for me right now. And to save you the trouble, this time I'm leaving you," she said and walked out, leaving him sitting there stunned and unsure of when this explanation had snowballed into an argument - and his wife walking out on him.

*****

" She left."

" You didn't think she would?"

" No, I didn't. I honestly thought that she would want to work this out. Obviously..."

" Obviously, Jordan, you kept this from her far too long. You were trying to cover up a very serious problem. Is it really any wonder why she left?" Donnie asked and Jordan ran a hand over his face in frustration.

" I was hoping...ah hell. I should have told her straight away but everything was so good between us again and I really wanted it to work out. I love her man. I don't want to lose her. And this accident, while not the thing I would have wished upon her, was the best thing that could have happened. I thought anyway, that by the time she regained her memory, everything would have been worked out. She's my wife, Donnie. I love her and I want her here, with me. Not wherever she is now," Jordan said and Donnie sighed.

" Just tell me that you didn't make love to her while she was like this," he asked. Jordan groaned softly when he thought of last night. He had tried to turn her away, to not let his body take over his mind but he hadn't wanted to hurt her, to make her think that there was anything wrong.

" I cant tell you that," Jordan said quietly and flinched when Donnie swore.

" Damn it Knight! You can't make love to her when everything is all messed up!"

" She's my wife!"

" On paper yes but at the moment, hell, you know that she's not herself! She can't remember you, your marriage, your life together...hell she can't even remember her life before you. And yet, you can still make love to her as though there was nothing the matter?"

" Okay so it was a mistake. But I love her Donnie. And if I didn't...well, she would want to know why! And at the time, it wasn't something I was willing to tell her."

" It all boils down to this. You should have told her that first day back from the hospital. You only lost out this time J. Lost, big time."

" You think I don't know that? Hell. I love her. I want her here with me, not gone. I want to be able to walk in the door ever day and see her there, waiting for me, a smile on her face. I should have told her, but do you think it would have made any difference? She would have left me then. And we wouldn't have had a few days where everything was good. Maybe that will bring her back. Because, I know for sure, that nothing I can say now will do that."

*****

" He didn't tell you for a reason Kasey. He didn't want to upset you. He does love you, its just that sometimes he doesn't think," Suz said. Kasey stared at her in surprise.

" You're sticking up for him?"

" Well..."

" You were the one who yelled at him for not telling me sooner! Don't tell me you're backing down on this."

" No, I'm not! I just think that maybe walking out on him wasn't the best idea you've ever had. He was leaving you when the accident happened. I know how devastated you would have been, even if you never showed it. Imagine how he feels now?"

" I am imagining it. And I hate myself for leaving the way I did. But he lied to me Suz! He never told me he was planning on leaving, never told me that our marriage, a marriage that, up until this morning, I had thought was rock solid and had no problems in it whatsoever was bad enough to warrant him leaving. How can I ignore his omission?"

" You can't but you still shouldn't have left. You should have stayed and talked it out. It may have helped you get your memory back. Okay, so maybe not the best way to go about regaining your memory but it would have been something. You don't remember anything before the day you woke up in the hospital. Don't you want to get your life back? Don’t you want to be able to remember your wedding? The day you met Jordan? The fun you two used to have before your marriage turned bad? I know that Jordan loves you. Its just that sometimes he may not show that," Suz said and Kasey sighed.

" Gina..."

" What about Gina?" instantly Suz was on the defensive. Kasey looked at her, wondering why the name brought such a reaction.

" That name...keeps coming up in my mind. Who is she?"

" Gina was...she and Jordan dated for awhile before he met you," Suz said stiltedly and Kasey waited for an elaboration.

" And?" she pushed, when Suz didn't speak any more.

" She dumped Jordan for some rich oil mogul and married this other guy. Jordan was pretty heartbroken. A month later he had met you. No one was ever sure whether Jordan was really interested in you or whether your relationship with him was just temporary. When he married you, it seemed as if Gina really was out of the picture. And then..."

" What? Damn it, don't just stop there! Tell me what happened next. Is Gina the reason why Jordan was leaving me? Was he having an affair with her?"

" Hell no. Well, he better not have been! Well...just after you two married, Gina showed up. Her marriage had broken up and she wanted Jordan back. Kept showing up where he did, calling him at the house, even confronting you. In the end, Jordan told her that he never wanted to see her again. That he never loved her, that he loved you and wanted to stay married to you. No ones seen her since. At least, I don't think anyone has seen her since. Jordan, at one time, loved her. And you've told me that on more than one occasion, he brings her name into fights," Suz said.

" Does he still love her?"

" No. He doesn't. He loves you."

" How can you be so sure of that? He was leaving me! That's not the actions of a man in love!"

" Yes but Kase, he was leaving for far more complicated reasons than Gina. You two were having problems. And I think that the only reason he ever even mentioned Gina was to hurt you. He doesn't love her. Even if he didn't truly love you on your wedding day, he does now. Of that, I'm sure. The man wouldn't have lied to keep you in his home if he didn't love you," Suz said.

" Is the fact that I couldn't have a baby the main problem between us?"

" I don't really now. I'm sure that its part of them but whether its the main one, I have no idea. You and I, we haven't really been close for a few months. Ever since you started that job. Before then, you were so fired up about having a baby and being a mother. Even right after you found out that you couldn't carry a baby, you were all excited over adoption. You and Jordan would spend hours pouring over the adoption leaflets and going to see adoption agencies. Then one day, you went out and got that job. From then, everything changed. Babies and a family seemed to take second place to a career you were never really interested in."

" I must have been such a bitch," she murmured and Suz shook her head.

" No. Just hurt and confused and angry. And Jordan didn't understand that I think."

" This job, why did I take it in the first place if I wasn't really interested in a career? Why didn't I start adoption proceedings? What happened between me and Jordan that turned our marriage so bad?"

" That you'll have to ask him. And you can't do that here. You have to go home and ask him Kase. Go home to your husband and talk about this. I can't be of any help now because I don't know what else went wrong," Suz told her.

*****

" Jordan?" his head shot up at the sound of her voice.

" Kasey!" he exclaimed, scrambling to his feet. He hadn't even heard her come in, being too engrossed in the photo albums," I didn't hear you come in!"

" I didn't think so. I knocked," she said, looking around uncomfortably. Her gaze landed on the photo albums and she bent down to pick one up," You were looking at these?"

" Yeah. I thought...hell, I needed a reminder of what we were like before..." he stopped.

" Before everything started going bad?" she said softly and he nodded.

" Yeah."

" I'm sorry that I walked out Jordan. I shouldn't have done that. I should have stayed and talked about this, about what had happened. I just didn't know what else to think, to do," she said, placing the album back with the others.

" I don't blame you for leaving. I should have told you right at the beginning what was wrong between us but I never wanted to leave you. I love you. You're my wife and no matter what happens, I want that to stay. I don't want to lose you and I thought that by not telling you what was wrong, we could work it out and by the time you regained your memory, everything would be back to the way it was before," Jordan said and Kasey nodded. She started twisting her wedding ring and engagement around on her finger - he was glad to see she hadn't removed them, despite everything that had happened - and he knew that she wanted to ask him something that was worrying her," Kasey? What is it?"

" Huh? What do you mean?" she asked evasively.

" You only ever play with your rings when you're overly nervous. What's up?"

" Suz told me about Gina," she said quietly.

" Oh."

" I mean, it was all stuff the I already knew, you know, but couldn't remember. But one thing is worrying me Jordan. I know that we met a month after you and Gina broke up. And that Gina came back just after we married. What I don't know is, did you, at any time, while married to me, sleep with her? Did you have an affair? Is she the reason why you were leaving me? Well, at least part of the reason? Because I don't see how not being able to have a baby would break up a marriage as it did," Kasey said, facing him.

" No, I never slept with Gina at any time while I was either dating you or married to you. She was forgotten by the time we married. Maybe my intentions when I started dating you weren't that great, in fact, they were downright lousy. But by the time I placed that engagement ring on your finger, Gina was a long forgotten memory. Someone who I didn't want anything to do with anymore. When she showed up and wanted another chance with me, the first thought was that I would never ever cheat on you. I may hurt you, I may yell at you, may fight with you...but I would never cheat on you. While we are married, I am yours, no one else's," he said and she nodded.

" Can you maybe...Suz said that after I found out I couldn't have babies, she said that we looked into adoption. Why didn't we ever go ahead with that?"

" First of all, when we found out we couldn't have babies...if you cant have a child, then I cant either. That's the way this marriage works Kasey. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I do what I can to help you. You cant have a baby, then I cant either. And yes, we did look into adoption. But you found a job. The plans kind of just, got lost in all the excitement of that job," he said but she could tell he was lying.

" Don't lie Jordan. Why didn't we adopt, like we obviously planned to?"

" You said that a family wasn't a priority at the time. You wanted to prove that you could be something else, other than my wife," Jordan said and she stared at him, shocked, as if he had physically slapped her. As it was, his words mentally hurt. She had said that? Why?

" Why did I say that? I can't ever imagine saying that to anyone, most especially you!"

" You were hurt, upset, angry. We'd just been told that adopting a newborn would be almost impossible. You wanted a newborn so you could experience all the late night feedings and such. So when we were told that, you lost interest and started looking for a job. I tried to talk to you, tried to reason with you but you wouldn't listen. I don't blame you for that, I mean, you had just been through hell, all those tests and then being told that no baby would ever arrive and then...well, I understood why you didn't want to talk about it so I just dropped the subject for a little while. I shouldn't have because we grew further and further apart. This last year our marriage hasn't been good. And when I wanted to talk, I pushed you and pushed you until you either gave in or we fought. We rarely touched, rarely kissed. I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom most nights because it was that bad," he said.

" So why didn't you or I leave before that night I was in the accident?"

" Because I honestly wanted this all to work out. I never ever wanted to lose you, never want to walk out on something I knew would get good, all it would need was time. But by that night, the whole marriage had disintegrated to nothing. We weren't even talking properly. Making love became mechanical, something that we rarely ever did. I can't remember the last time we kissed and made love as though we meant it," he said.

" Oh Jordan. Why did we let it get that far?"

" We're both stubborn people Kase. It's one hell of a marriage when we are talking. But when we aren't, it's unbearable. I was thinking, that by moving out, we'd have a chance to see what it was like being without each other. And that we wouldn't like it so we'd go to counseling and do whatever we could to get back to the way we were," Jordan said.

" Did you even mention this to me? Did I agree to this?"

" I never mentioned moving out. The night of the accident, you got home and found me getting ready to move out. That's when we fought. We had agreed we were going to talk it over but I didn't think we could work anything out. We were just getting worse instead of better."

" So what do we do now?" Kasey asked, sitting down on the lounge chair and flipping through the photo album.

" That's up to you. I know what I want, and that is to be your husband, to work things out. I love you, I don't want to leave you anymore than you wanted me to leave, but at the time, it was the only way I knew how to deal with what was happening. But now, I want to stay and I want to work through all this. But, it is up to you. I wont force you into a relationship you don't want, nor will I stay if you don't want me to," Jordan told her. She looked up at him, a thoughtful look on her face.

" I don't know what we were like before Jordan. There's a lot of things that will come back to me at some point. Are you really willing to work it all out?"

" Yes. I mean it. You and I, we're damn good together and I don't want to lose what we have. As long as I have you, nothing else matters," he told her, kneeling down in front of her. He took the photo album out of her hands and took them in his, smoothing his thumb over the back of her hands.

" Children?"

" There's always adoption. Or foster care. But only if you want."

" There's a lot of things I want, but whether I will ever get them is another subject altogether. But I know that I want you. I love you. I know that, despite the accident and this damned memory loss. I love you and I don't want to leave you. It would be easy for me to just walk away until everything started to come back to me, but I can't do that. I want to be with you and I'm willing to go through anything to be happy with you again," she told him and he smiled.

" I have never heard better news in my life. I love you Kasey, I really do. And I'm sorry that this happened, all of it. We'll work through it and whatever happens, we'll deal with it. And as for children, we'll make that decision when you feel ready for it," he said, leaning over and kissing her softly on her lips.

" I love you Jordan," she whispered and she felt him smile against her lips.

*****

The End

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