Part of Me

By: Kasey

'Its a big estate...with wrought iron gates...and palm trees standin' tall...fancy mirrors and chandeliers... comfort wall to wall...and the ocean air is so crisp and clear...and they rave about our ocean view...'

He stood at the window, arms crossed across his chest, his forehead puckered into a thoughtful frown. The party behind him was in full swing, with every head record exec, every friend, every person they had met since moving to LA enjoying his house, his wine, his food, his hospitality, his wife...sometimes he wished he could just forget all of them and go back in the past. He knew that this party would give him the much needed clientele and contacts in the industry but for once he wished he could just give it all up. All he wanted to do was go to bed and sleep for a thousand years...or so it seemed. Maybe then he'd forget.

" Jordan? People are looking for you," his thoughts were interrupted when his wife wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her head against his back. He smiled slightly, still looking out the window.

" I needed some space. I would have thought they were too busy getting drunk to think about me," he said and she laughed.

" They are all well on the way to getting drunk. I know that you like your space but during a party that you yourself said would be good for business? Naughty Jordan," she said as he turned around. She moved a little away form him and smiled at him, that sweet, soft smile that always clenched at his heart and wouldn't let go. It also sparked off deep guilt inside him.

" Yeah well they were getting on my nerves. And this is the only room that they don't dare come into."

" Sweetie, are you all right?" she asked him, looking at him with worry.

" I'm fine hon. Why don't you go back into the party and dazzle them all with you charms?" he said, kissing her on her forehead. She stared at him a little while longer but just ended up shrugging her shoulders and kissing him back then leaving him alone. As he watched her go, Jordan sighed. He felt so uncomfortable here. LA wasn't his style of town. He longed for the familiarity of Boston...even Maine! LA was too fast paced, too fake, too phony, over the top...everything he hated. Even this house was overly ostentatious. The wall to wall carpet was thick, plush and a pure white. How could anyone lay white carpet in their home? He spent a fortune cleaning it every month so it would stay white! The dining room was to fancy to even eat a simple meal in so they often ate in the kitchen unless they had guests. It was a typical Hollywood type home and he longed for his simple house back in Boston. All their friends loved the house, raving over it, the view of the ocean they had, the garden...well, only their LA friends raved over it. His Boston friends hated it, saying it was not him, that it was too flashy and too fantasy world stuff. He had been grateful of their honesty but hadn't moved. This was his wife's choice in homes. She was a native LA resident and when they had married they had moved here. She wouldn't moved to Boston so he had made the moved to the West Coast to be with her. And he had regretted it ever since.

'There's a bedroom suite where she comes to me...and as her fingers touch my face...I close my eyes and fantasize...of another time and place...what she feels is so warm and real...and I know her love is true...still I think sometimes she sees...that this ain't Tennessee...and she ain't you...'

He knew she loved him. She wasn't as fake as some of the people he knew. Her love was honest and forever...and his guilt was borne of the fact that he didn't love her in the same way, with the same devotion. He knew she deserved all of him, not just a part of his heart, apart of his soul but he couldn't help it. He had left part of his heart in Boston with another woman, a woman who would always hold it in her hands.

His wife came to him every night, warm and willing. And every night he couldn't see her face, Instead he saw anothers. One with green eyes and auburn hair, a dazzling smile and an accent that he had loved to hear first thing in the morning, in the middle of the day and at the end of the day. His wife didn't know about Kasey. She had been out of his life long before he had met Tara. But sometimes, just sometimes, Jordan thought he detected some coolness in Tara whenever he came home from Boston. There was no way she could know...could there? He had thought that he had kept Kasey a secret, someone for his own memories. Obviously not. But Tara never questioned him, never doubted him, never even believed that he could do what he was doing each time he went to Boston.

He couldn't help who he loved. He couldn't help that his heart wouldn't listen to reason. He was married to Tara and he did love her. But he wasn't in love with her. She was so different from Kasey. Being born and bred in LA left a person different from someone born and bred in a small Australian town. Not that Tara's differences were bad, they were just different from what he had with Kasey. Tara was a career woman, so intent on making it big as a lawyer. Kasey had been interested only in writing and becoming an author. That left her time to be with him whenever she wanted. Tara wasn't keen on hiking, camping or gardening; with Kasey it was part of her life. He couldn't remember the amount of times he and Kasey had gone hiking and camping, or the amount of times they had spent all day in the garden..

'Its not that its not good enough...and its not that I'm not man enough...there's just somethin easy going that I love...about you...'

Yes he loved Tara. Yes he enjoyed his life with her, enjoyed their love making. But it was missing something. His life with Tara was good. He wouldn't go back to being single. But if he had the choice, he would be with Kasey and not with Tara. But she hadn't given him that choice. When she had found out he was planning on going to LA for long amounts of time, she had refused to go with him. She loved Boston, had made a life here. LA wasn't her they had fought, long and hard over it and in the end, she had made his decision easier. She had walked out. That had been three years ago. For the first year he had hated himself and his career choice and then he had met Tara. She had dazzled him at a party held by one of the record execs. They had gone home together and made love. Six months later they had married. But Jordan never forgot Kasey and the time he had with her.

They had parted as enemies but on a trip to Boston only six months after he had married Tara, he had bumped into her on the street one day. She had let her hair grow longer, and she had lost weight but she still looked the same. She had been with some friends but had gone with him to have coffee. Her first book had taken off and she was ready to go on a book tour and she had been excited about it. Her dream had come true. Then she had apologized for leaving him the way she had. He had been stunned. She was apologizing to him? It should have been the other way around. He hadn't been willing to compromise so she had left. And he had regretted it. And now, here she was telling him how sorry she was for leaving. But he had been even more surprised when she said that she wanted another chance. Wanted to prove to him that they could live in separate cities and still be together. And God curse him for the rest of his life, he hadn't told her about Tara and his marriage. Instead, he had given her that chance. Their affair had been going on for three months when he told her about his marriage. And he would never forget the look of hurt and pain on Kasey's face when he had told her. It had cut through him like a knife. This time, she hadn't even fought with him. She had just left and now, a year later, he hadn't seen her since. Oh he had tried to find her. Every time he was in Boston he tried. He went to her friend's houses, even to her house but he hadn't been able to find her. No one would tell him where she was. So here he was, married to one woman, and in love with another. And he was getting good at hiding his feelings from everyone - even himself.

'So I made up my mind to learn my lines...and try to play the part...'

The End

Please tell Kasey what you thought of this story!