Queen of Hollywood

By: Kasey

'She drove a long way through the night...from an urban neighbourhood...she left her mother in a fight...for a dream misunderstood...and her friends they talk on corners...they could never comprehend...'

1988

She wasn't sure that she should have left like she did, but she knew that why she was leaving was something she knew she had to do. It may hurt for a little while, it may cause more than a few tears, but this was what she had to do. Ever since she had been six years old, all she had wanted to be was an actress on TV, like all those glamorous women she saw every night. Twelve years of waiting, and wanting and hoping and praying that what she wanted would come true. School plays, community plays, acting classes, after school jobs...all of these were contributing to her move to Hollywood. And now, finally, at eighteen, she was doing just that. Driving through the night and the days that were to follow, just to get to the city of her dreams, the place where she knew, she just knew, despite what her mother and friends said, she would make it. Her name would be the one up in lights. Her name would be the one that would be on everyone's lips. She had been working hard for this, saving all her money, performing in plays, making acting her whole life. And maybe she could have left in a better way, but what could she do now? It was too late to turn back now. She had already been driving for nearly five hours. Everything she had come to known, everything that was familiar to her, was behind her now, in her past. Her mother, though she loved her very much, didn't want to accept her dreams. Her friends, they were the real cynics. Saying she would never make, she would just become another out of work actress, stripping for nude photos just to make it. But her boyfriend, the one person who had believed in her, had been the only person she had left on good terms. He knew what she wanted. Because he wanted the same thing. He was going on tour for the summer, as a singer in a music group. He knew the hard work it took to make it. And he knew why she had had to leave. Not that he had been particularly happy about it but they had both been adults, breaking up instead of hanging onto a relationship that would have only gotten in the way of their much wanted success.

Mara took another sip of coffee and sighed. She knew she was going to miss her mother. But she was eighteen years old now! Finally graduated from high school and on her way to the top. But her mother, her beloved mother, hadn't wanted her to leave. They had fought and instead of staying and talking it out, like they normally would, she had walked out, no apology, no goodbye. And now, amongst all her excitement about her new life, that was the one thing she did truly regret. And as she drove, she thought back to the last words, the fight that was the last thing she had ever said to her mother.

*****

" Mama, I have to do this! You know how much this means to me!" she begged her mother.

" Mara, I know how much you want to go to LA but why now? You've only just graduated high school. I was hoping you'd go to college here, stay at home for another four years and then you could go to LA. I was hoping you could stay here with me," her mother looked so defeated, so worn out. It was as though she had aged ten years right before her eyes.

" Mama I have to go now. If I want to be a star, I have to start attending casting calls and start going to agents and photo shoots. I can't do that here mama. I have to go to LA this summer," she said and her mother sighed.

" Mara, honey, you're only eighteen! You've never even visited LA! You don't know anyone there! What are you going to do for money, for a job for a place to live? Eighteen Mara! Please wait..."

" No, I can't wait mama. If I do, I won't be able to make it. I've worked long and hard on this. I've saved and saved all my money and did all those plays for a reason. You knew that! You knew why I was working so hard and doing all those plays. You knew. Why didn't you say something then?"

" Mara, you're so young. LA is a big city for such a young girl. I knew what you were doing but I thought you could go to college and get a degree so you would have something to fall back on in case you don’t get the jobs you want."

" I never wanted to go to college mama. You knew that! That was why I did all those acting classes. I want to move to LA and I am. I will make it over there! You'll see! I will be the biggest thing to hit Hollywood mama! I'll make you proud of me! I will!" Mara said, hurt that her mother had no faith in her.

" I am proud of you! But moving all the way across the country...Mara I love you. I don't want to see you hurt. There are so many out of work actors now. I don't want to see you ending up like those poor girls in those movies, or walking the streets like come common prostitute."

" You have no faith in me mama! I am good at what I do! You told me that! Every one has told me that! Why are you suddenly telling me I'll end up as a hooker?" Mara asked angrily.

" I'm not! I just said..."

" I know what you said mama! You said I would end up as a hooker! Well I wont! I'm not going to sell myself to get jobs! I told you that I am never going to be like those other women, those women who end up in low grade movies and selling drugs. I am going to make it, and I'm going to stay clean and honest the whole way through. I promise you that mama!" Mara said and stormed out of the house.

*****

Mara wiped the tears away from her eyes. She still had alot of driving to do and she couldn't afford to waste any time in the travelling. It was much cheaper for her to drive to California than to fly. She had to save all her money for her apartment and food until she could find a job. She knew that she wouldn't get an acting job straight away so she would need to get some sort of job to help pay her way until she did get a job. A waitress or a secretary. She had secretarial skills and she had done some waitressing so she knew she could handle those jobs. She just hoped that she would be able to get something soon!

She glanced at the photo of herself and her boyfriend, the one that had been taken on his birthday, only a couple of weeks ago. He had been so wonderful to her. Very sweet, full of romance, even for an eighteen-year-old. They had been together for almost two years before they had broken up. During those two years, he had been working on his music, wanting to make it as bad as she had. The first album, the one that he had held such high hopes for, the one he had passed around at school to friends, getting them to listen to it, hadn't worked out so well. But he hadn't been disappointed. He and the other band members had just worked harder. And now, they were starting to make some waves. The day he had come over to her house and told her that the group was touring this summer, she had been so excited for him. And hopeful. He was making it, maybe she would as well. All it took was some time and hard work. And she never gave in easy, to anything, regardless of the obstacles or challenges she faced.

*****

'But there was always something different...in the way she held a stare...and the pictures that she painted...were of glamour and of flare...and her boyfriend though he loved her...knew he couldn't quite fulfill...he could never meet her there...'

Everyone has always said that there was something different about her. The way she walked, the way she talked, the way she held herself. She had a lot more confidence than a normal eighteen-year-old. And she knew that was because she was positive she was going to make it, and she wouldn't need to sell herself to get to the top. She had never focused on the dark side of the business, never letting herself think that she would have to do some of the things she had heard other actresses do to get parts in a TV show. Her dreams were going to come true and she should be happy.

Whenever she had the chance she would talk about how she would be such a big star. Someone who was not only good and popular but also someone who helped out the charities. She was determined that when she made money, she would become a spokesman for the charities. It would be the way she would live her life. Amongst all the parties and the socialite dinners and award shows, here she would be, helping out as much as she could. And the only person who had ever believed her had been her boyfriend.

Mara smiled as she thought of Jordan. With his brown eyes and brown hair he had been the epitome of her wildest dreams. When he had first asked her out when they had been sixteen, she had almost not believed that he was interested in her. But he had been. And from that moment on they had been an inseparable couple. She had been his constant support in his music. And she had encouraged him, supported him...loved him. He was really the only person, apart from her mother, that she would miss. He had been so happy for her, so supportive. But she had a feeling that deep down, he felt he could never live up to her dreams. They both wanted the same thing - success - but in different areas. He had loved her, she knew that. But sometimes she thought she would catch a glimpse of someone who knew he couldn't live up to what she needed, couldn't fulfill her needs. And in a way that had hurt. Because not only had he never told her, he had never even tried. But she knew that stemmed from his own dreams.

Mara remembered the last time she had seen Jordan. He had picked her up two nights ago, the last night they would spend together. He had taken her out to dinner, then they had driven around for awhile, just reveling in the last moments they would spend together...

*****

" When do you leave?" he asked her and she sighed. Why was he going to spoil the mood talking about this now?

" Day after tomorrow," she answered.

" Have you told your mum yet?"

" Not yet. I can't tell her. It would hurt her..."

" It's going to hurt her more if you leave without telling her. You don't want to do that do you Mara?" Jordan asked, looking at her before returning his attention to the road. She sighed and shook her head.

" I don't want to hurt her at all Jordan. But she doesn't want me to go, I know that. I can feel it. She's been talking about college and all sorts of things. I don't want college. I want to go to LA and make it," she said.

" I know that. But you really will have to tell you mum soon," he said and she nodded again.

" I will. I just need to approach it carefully. When do you leave?" she asked, changing the subject. Instantly his face broke out into an excited smile.

" Saturday. Oh man I just can't wait! This is going to be such a great tour! I still can't believe Tiffany chose us!" he said and Mara smiled at his excitement. He was just like a little boy.

" I'm so happy for you. I'll buy your album. And when you come to LA I'll go to the concert. After all, I've been there for you all the way. I have to see the finished product!" she teased and he laughed. He stretched out one arm and drew her close to him. She snuggled up against his shoulder and sighed.

" But I will miss you," he said quietly.

" I'll miss you too. You've been so supportive of me. I'm going to miss everything about you," she said and smiled when he leaned down and kissed her," Watch the road Knight!"

" I have the prettiest girl in my car and I'm expected to watch the road? I don't think so!" he joked as he pulled into a deserted carpark of a now closed down shop. There were no streetlights, no other lights nearby so they were cloaked in darkness. Jordan turned the ignition off and turned to her, a small smile on his face.

" What are you planning?" she asked lightly, her heart hammering wildly. They had never gone any further than a bit of heavy petting but tonight...there was something more about to happen. And she knew that this was the way she wanted it.

" I love you, you know Mara," he whispered as he drew her face closer to his.

" And I love you," she said just before he kissed her. Their mouths met and they kissed, softly and gently at first, until she felt his tongue lick at her lips, asking permission to enter. She parted her mouth and his tongue slipped inside, so warm and satiny. He explored the recesses of her mouth as his hands roamed over her shirt, unbuttoning the top button so he could move his hand down. She stopped him and broke off the kiss, leaving Jordan to stare in disbelief at her," Let's go into the back seat Jordan."

" Are you sure?" he asked once he realized what she meant. They had never moved from the front seat before. And he wanted to, but only if she felt she was ready.

" I love you. And I want this night, our last night, to be special. I want to give myself to you," she said and got out of the car and opened the back door, slipping inside and looking at him from the back seat. She slowly unbuttoned her shirt until it was lying parted, her pale pink bra exposed to him. He didn't waste any time in joining her in the backseat.

" You mean so much to me," he breathed gently as he removed her shirt and ran his hand over her flesh. She sighed at his tender touch. How could she have waited this long to let him make love to her?

" I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think so," she said as he unsnapped her bra and threw it to the side. He covered on breast with his hand and leaned down to kiss her," I don't want to get pregnant Jordan."

" I'll take care of you baby. Trust me," he said and those were the last words either of them had spoken for a long time after that.

*****

Mara's smile was soft, reminiscent. She had lost her virginity that night. And she wouldn't regret that. He was a very special person to her. And he had made her feel loved and extra special. And his parting words had confirmed that...

" Don't ever let anyone tell you you're worth nothing Mara. You're a special person, inside and out. And as long as you know that, and keep that attitude, nothing bad will ever happen to you. Don't let anyone use you or abuse you. You will make and you won't need to sleep your way to the top. Promise me that you wont let anyone use you as a stepping stone. Promise me Mara, that if you ever need to come home, come home. Look me up. I'll always be there for you. You'll do good hun. You'll always do good."

*****

'And the cynics they will wonder...what's the difference with this dream...and the dreams of countless others...all believing in TV...they see their hand prints in the sidewalk...flashing cameras in the scene...and a shining limousine...'

Five Years Later.

" I don't want to do it Jerry. Please. I can get this part without going over to the producers house!" Mara said defiantly. Her agent stared at her despairingly.

" No you wont Mara. Damn it girl! You're not pretty enough for this role! But the producer has promised that you'll get the role if you go to his place. That's all. Go to his place, make nice conversation, dress nice, look pretty, smile and you'll be the new star in the show."

" No Jerry. I've been fine up until now. I don't need this role that badly..."

" Yes you do. You won't get roles unless you're willing to make sacrifices. And getting down off that holier than thou cloud you're on will be a start. You think you're special? I'm afraid not. I've got a hundred other girls who would kill for this role. And you're not willing to be nice to the producer?" Jerry asked, smiling evilly. Mara looked at him and wondered, not for the first time, why she had ever let this man talk her into becoming his client. Maybe it had been loneliness. Or desperateness. Three years she had been in Hollywood. And she hadn't managed to get a role in a single ad or show. Then one day this man had walked into the cafe she had worked in as a waitress and said he was an agent and had an ad for her. Nothing big, just something to get her started. And she had stupidly accepted. And now here she was, two years later, still struggling, working but parts in movies, in TV shows, working ads that were only ever seen on late night TV...and he was suggesting she give up on what Jordan had told her? Maybe she should leave...but she couldn't. Jerry was the only agent who would take her on. So she either had to put up with him, or risk ending up a failure.

" I won't do it Jerry!"

" Then if you wont I know girls who will! And if you wont stop being so picky, you will end up going back home a failure! How do you think you're mother would feel?"

" Damn you Jerry! I will not pander to some producers fantasy!"

" Mara, honey," God how she hated it when he called her honey," I know how you feel, I really do. But sweetheart, you have to do this. You're pretty...but you won't get anything. The way this producer works is simple, you go over to his house in a pretty dress, have a couple of drinks, and he asks you to do something for him. If you do it, you get the role, and many more! Just think! You could be starring in your own TV show in a year!" Jerry came around from behind his desk and stood behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. She held back the shiver of disgust that threatened to run through her as his hands started massaging her.

" Jerry..."

" No. You listen and listen good Mara. You're twenty-three. No one wants a twenty-three year old blonde from Boston to star in a TV show when they can get young Californians. You either do it my way, or you don't do it at all. I would be all to willing to let you go and let some other girl on my clientele list," he said as he started running his hands down her body. She closed her eyes and swallowed her cry.

" Fine. I'll do it the way you want," she said defeatedly and he smiled victoriously.

" Good girl. To do it my way, however, you need to do something for me," he said as he unbuttoned her shirt and put his hands on her breasts. Again she swallowed, but this time in revulsion. What was she doing? Surely she could get jobs without lowering herself to this?" It'll be fine Mara. I promise you. I'll get you a lot of jobs now. Lots and lots of good jobs."

*****

'Now her mother collects cut-outs...and the pictures make her smile...but if she saw behind the curtains...it could only make her cry...she's got hand print son her body...sad moonbeams in her eyes...not so innocent a child...'

Five Years Later.

" Mara?" she turned around in surprise at the familiar voice. The man she saw standing before her took her breath away. Her personal assistant watched him warily.

" Jordan?" she breathed in disbelief.

" It is you! I thought so! God you look so good!" he said as he captured her in a big hug.

" You remembered me!" she cried happily.

" Of course I did! I've been watching your career for awhile now! Congratulations on the Golden Globe," he said as he let her go. She blushed - amazingly she could still do that after everything that had happened - and smiled up at him softly. God he looked so much better now. At eighteen he had been handsome, At twenty-eight he was sexy.

" And I've been following yours. What's happened though?" she asked him teasingly and smiled when he laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

" So we both made it," he said, watching her carefully and she nodded.

" We sure did. How are you? What are you doing in LA? Do you have time for a coffee?" she asked.

" I sure do. What about you?"

" Ah Mara, we have..." her personal assistant started to say.

" Jamie, cancel it. please? This man is a very old friend of mine and I want to make time to talk to him," she asked softly and Jamie smiled and nodded. Despite everything that had been written and reported about Mara, she was extremely nice to her and allowed her a lot of leeway. A lot more than some other stars would.

" Do you want me to leave you alone?" she asked and Mara nodded. Jamie watched in happiness as Mara and the man walked away, their heads bowed, talking animatedly.

*****

" You look happy," Mara said and Jordan smiled slightly.

" Wish I could say the same for you hon," he said and she looked down.

" I'm happy. Just tired."

" I saw your mum the other day," he said and her head lifted, her eyes wide.

" How does she look?"

" Amazingly good. She misses you Mara. Why didn't you call? Why haven't you been back to visit her?"

" I've been very busy. And when I had the time, I didn't have the money. But she's all right?" despite having not seen her mother in ten years, she still did love and miss her.

" She's fine Mara. She has all these clippings of you and everything. She's extremely proud of you. But I think she can't see the sadness behind that facade of happiness. But I do Mara. I see it, sitting here. Your eyes don't have any sparkle any more. What happened to that?" Jordan asked.

" A lot of work and a lot of rejections happened. It took five years and a lot of rejections for me to make it here Jordan. I changed agents twice until Pam, my current one, found me this job," she said.

" What else happened in those five years to make you so sad?"

" Nothing. Just hard work and rejections."

" I don't believe you."

" You don't have to believe me. You haven't seen me in ten years Jordan! What do you expect from me? Do you expect me to be that eighteen-year-old you knew? Well I'm not. I'm twenty-eight, at the top of my field and loving every minute of it," Mara said, getting angry that he wasn't letting this go.

" Mara, I'm worried about what I'm seeing here."

" What are you seeing?"

" Someone very beautiful and successful...but someone so lonely and unhappy that she looks as though the weight of the world is on her shoulders. What happened to your marriage? Where's your friends? Where is Mara McCormick, the sweet, innocent woman I knew?"

" She's long gone Jordan. I lost my innocence a long time ago. When I was eighteen to be precise," she said savagely.

" I'm not talking about your virginity Mara. I'm talking about the innocence of a girl who had so many dreams and believed she would make it without falling into the traps."

" Do we need to talk about this now?"

" I think we do."

" I have friends..."

" Really? Where are they?"

" They're actors Jordan! We're a very busy lot you know!"

" I know. So are singers. But I tell you, I made time to make friends and keep them. I made the time to fall in love."

" So did I!"

" Did you? Where is Mr. Handsome anyway? On location again?" Jordan asked and she bowed her head.

" We're getting a divorce. He had another woman on the side and she got pregnant. So he asked for a divorce so he could marry her and give the baby a name," she said and Jordan sighed.

" I'm sorry Mara. I know I'm being out of line here. But I'm not seeing a woman I once knew in front of me. I'm seeing someone who has been broken," he said.

" It's been ten years Jordan. You aren't the same now as you were then, Why do you expect the same from me?" she asked, looking at him. He stared back at her for a long time before standing up and pulling some money out of his pocket.

" Mara, you were a special person to me. I thought that you would always hold that specialness inside you. But I don't see it anymore. I thought we could be friends again. But I don't see how that is possible. So I think its best if I go now," he said as he left the money on the table and walked around to her.

" Jordan..." she said.

" It was very good to see you Mara. Call me one day," he said as he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. She felt him press something into her hand and as he walked away, he looked down and saw it was a card with numbers on it. She watched him go and sighed. Where had everything gone wrong for her? The man she had been looking forward to seeing for ten years had just walked away from her without a second glance, leaving her alone. It was a metaphor for her life. Nothing was going right for her, nothing except her career. Maybe that was all she would ever have. Maybe all she'd ever be was the Queen of Hollywood.

'She's never gonna be like the one before...she read it in her stars that there's something more...no matter what it takes how she breaks...she'll be the Queen of Hollywood....'

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