She's Gonna Make
It
By: Kasey
© 1998
“He followed her
to work this morning, he'd never seen that dress before, she seemed to sail
right through those dark clouds forming, that he knows he's headed for, after
seven years of marriage he wanted out, and after seven months of freedom, its
clear that there's no doubt..."
He watched her walk into the
building where she worked, her head thrown back as she laughed at something the
man she was with had said. He felt his
gut clench in anger when he saw she was holding the man’s arm. Damn it he
wanted to go over there and slam the guy in the face just for looking at her!
She still looked as beautiful today as she had seven weeks ago when he had
walked out on her and their seven-month relationship. He hit his hand against
the steering wheel. Damn it he hadn't meant to hurt her! Al he wanted was a
little space and time to think but she had mistaken that for needing time away
for good. She had stood there, watching him with her eyes filling with tears,
her arms crossed defensively, just watching him as he had fumbled his way
through his explanation. She hadn't even stopped him when he walked out.
She was wearing a new dress -
one that he knew he'd never seen before. He had to admit that she looked amazing. It was green, so he knew
that it would enhance her beautiful green eyes. She was smiling up at the man
now and his heart wrenched. She had a beautiful smile. It had caught him that
first day and even now it was hard to forget it. She turned her head and he
swore, just for a minute, that she was looking directly at him. And even though
he knew that was stupid - he had, after all, borrowed a different car today so
that she wouldn't know it was him - he still slumped down further in his seat.
Then she looked away and smiled again as they both disappeared through the
doors. He stared blankly out the windshield. She seemed to be handling this
very well. She didn't even look heartbroken! He hung his head in shame. She was
happy today. He doubted she had been very happy lately but today she looked
radiant. Her smile still bewitched him. he smiled fondly as he remembered that
day, almost nine months ago when they had first met.
*****
He noticed her straight away. he
had no idea why - she certainly wasn't as gorgeous as the other women near her,
nor was she as thin but she had a...radiance about her that attracted him. He
couldn't figure out what it was. Then she smiled. he caught his breath as the
smile hit him in the gut. It was breathtaking. It lit up her entire face. He
felt a twinge of jealousy that the smile wasn't directed at him. He watched as
she hugged a man she was standing near and then he was startled when her eyes
connected with his. His heart leapt to his throat when she smiled at him. Did
he know her? he asked himself as she headed towards him. He didn't recognize
her. She was standing close to him now. Close enough to smell her perfume.
'Fire and Ice'. He recognized it because it was one of his favourites. She
looked at him and he could see the
colour of her eyes.
They were a very light blue, bordering on green.
" Hi," she said, her
smile almost shy now.
" Hi," he answered
back.
" Let me just say that I've
been a very big fan of your since I was 12 and to finally meet you is just
so...wonderful," she said, blushing a little. She had a slight accent to
her voice and he was curious as to what accent it was. It definately wasn't
American, that’s for sure.
" Thank you. Do you want me
to sign something or take a picture with me?" he was aching to hold her,
to know her name.
" Can you just sign
this?" she asked, handing him a photo. He didn't even look at the photo,
instead focusing on her.
" What’s your name?"
he asked.
" Kasey," he smiled.
Unusual.
" How do you spell that
Kasey?" he loved saying her name.
" K-A-S-E-Y," she
spelt out slowly and he quickly wrote his message. He handed it back to her and waited as she read it. Her head
lifted up once she'd finished and he almost gasped in surprise. her eyes were
now green.
" Is this for real?"
she asked, disbelief hardening her voice.
" Yes. So, will you?"
" Jordan, I'd love to have
dinner with you," Kasey said and he smiled.
" Where do you live?"
he asked, curious to know more about her. She looked surprised and then let out
short laugh. He was stunned. Her laugh was as beautiful as her smile.
" Oh, I don’t live here.
I'm here on vacation so I'm staying at a hotel," she said laughingly.
" Tell me which hotel and
I'll pick you up," he said. She told him and he nodded," Great. I'll
see you at seven Kasey. Dress informally. We won’t be going anywhere
fancy."
" Okay Jordan. I'll see you
at seven," Kasey said and he watched walk away, smiling a little. He was
really looking forward to tonight.
*****
Jordan was shaken out of his
daydream by a sharp rapping on the window. He looked up and saw it was that man
she was with earlier. He rolled down the window.
" Why are you here?"
the man asked and Jordan shrugged.
" I'm not hurting
anyone," he said fiercely.
" Look man. You're freaking
her out, following her around. What more could you possibly want from her?
Haven't you hurt her enough?" with that, the man stalked away. Jordan
looked up at the window he knew led into her office and saw her standing there,
watching him, arms crossed defensively.
*****
" And you
know its not like she's forgot about him, she's just dealing with the pain, and
the fact that she's survived so well without him, you know its driving him
insane, and the crazy thing about it is she'd take him back, but the fool in
him that walked out is the fool that just wont ask..."
Kasey looked out the window,
down at Jordan who was sitting in the car. She stared at him until she could no
longer. She turned away from the window and sat down at her desk. Her first
reaction, when she had seen him this morning was anger. How dare he follow her!
HE was the one who had walked out! HE was the one who needed the space! She had
been completely happy in the relationship. But those first few days after he had
left she had thought about it, thought about how Jordan had grown more and more
withdrawn right towards the end. She hadn't taken much notice and for that she
had cursed herself. Was there something she could have done? Was she too
clingy, too possessive, too...she didn't know. What had she done to cause him
to walk away from her? Then, as her tears receded and her anger grew, she told
herself that it was him with the problem, not her. He was the one who couldn't
handle the relationship. But that didn't stop her from loving him still. Her
thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the door.
" Come in," she called
and Sam walked in. She had been grateful that Sam had been with here this
morning. She knew that if she had been alone, she would have just ignored
Jordan. But she had been so quiet on the way up to the office, that Sam had
dragged what was wrong out of her. The
minute he had heard Jordan was out there, he had stormed out. He really was a nice guy. Kasey knew he was
probably attracted to her but she couldn't date anyone else. Jordan had all but
ruined her for other men.
" He's gone Kase," Sam
said and she nodded.
" Thanks Sam. Did he say
anything?" she asked, trying to keep the eagerness out of her voice.
" Sorry. Kasey, how long
has it been since he walked out on you?" Sam asked. She threw him a glance
that told him he was interfering but answered him anyway.
" Seven weeks," she
said quietly, looking out the window again.
" Seven weeks. Don’t you
think its time you started dating again?" Sam asked.
" Sam, I don’t
think..."
" Look Kasey! He treated
you bad! he dumped you! Don’t you think its time you got over him?"
" Sam, this isn't the time
or the place to start into this..."
" Jordan is a son of a
bitch and..."
" Don’t. Don’t you dare say
one bad word about him! He has done nothing to you! He doesn't deserve anything
bad said about him!" Kasey said angrily. Sam backed down briefly when he
saw the anger in her eyes.
" You still love him, don’t
you?" Sam asked quietly, after several minutes.
" Yes, I do," Kasey
said.
" Would you take him
back?"
" I would."
" Even after what he did to
you? Even after he hurt you like that?" Sam asked incredulously.
" I love him," Kasey
said simply.
" Then why aren't you back
together yet?" Sam asked, needing to know.
" Because he hasn't asked
Sam. He just hasn't asked."
*****
Jordan sat at his kitchen table,
a half full bottle of scotch in front of him. It had been full. He needed to
drink the pain away. Damn it he hadn't meant to hurt her! He didn't want to be
away from her. He wanted to crawl over to her and say he was sorry, beg for her
forgiveness but he couldn't. So he was here, in his apartment, alone, drinking
as much as he could stand. His apartment reminded him of her. Even though they
had moved into a completely different apartment together, Kasey had stayed at
this one for several days and even during those days, she had added a few
personal touches of her own, to add an Australian feel about it. She hadn't
taken them with her when they had moved so they were still in the apartment.
The paintings by Ken Done, the ones she loved so much. She had said they
reminded her of home. The poetry books by Henry Lawson, Dorothy MacKellar and A
B Paterson, all sitting on his coffee table, with bookmarks in them, placed on
the pages of her favourite poems. The bedroom was just as bad. She had bought a
Jenny Kee doona set and had insisted it go on the bed and he had come to love
it as much as he had come to love her. Kasey was a keen photgrapher and had taken
so many pictures of him, the apartment and Boston. Several of the better ones
sat on the bedside table. He picked one up now, looking at it, feeling his
heart tear. It was of him, sitting at the piano, concentrating on a song. She
had loved to watch him play the piano, often times just sitting next to him on
the stool, resting her head on his shoulder and listen to him play. She had
never asked him to play anything, instead preferring to listen. When she had
mentioned that she was hoping to buy a computer for herself, he had went out
and bought one for her and she had spent hours talking to friends over the
internet. She would never let him read anything she wrote, saying that what she
wrote wasn't for his eyes. She would often spend all night working on her
computer, writing novels he had never seen – and probably would never see. He
had been fascinated to watch her. She had known so much more about the computer
and internet than he and when he had admitted that to her, she had teased him
about not knowing the difference between a mouse and a modem. He had gotten his
revenge for that remark but tickling her until she had begged for mercy. Then
he had shown her mercy, right there on the lounge room floor. In the bathroom
there were only a few things to remind him of her. A few strands of hair and a
half full bottle of 'Fire and Ice'. He picked up the bottle and smiled as he
remembered the day he had teased her about being fanatical about never leaving
the apartment without it on. She had gotten her revenge by hiding his bottle of
'Havana', the after shave she had bought for him. He had searched high and low
for that bottle and had finally found it in the pantry, behind a bag of flour.
Kasey had loved to cook, often spending all weekend trying out new recipes or
just baking cakes. Some of those recipes had been disasters but if he told her
that, she would be so upset that he would be making up with her for days after
that. So he accepted whatever she made without complaint.
Jordan headed back out to the
living room and sat down on the lounge.
He didn't want to think about her anymore. He had blown his chance to
make a life with her. He had run out on her and not given her a decent
explanation. He swallowed another shot of scotch quickly. The quicker he got drunk,
the quicker who could forget it was over, Kasey was gone and he would never get
her back again.
*****
Jordan
cursed as he staggered to his feet. Noticing the empty scotch bottle lying on
the floor, he wondered if he had drank too much. He walked over to the clock on
the wall and squinted at it, trying to read the numbers. What time was it? He
had decided what he was going to do. Calling Kasey would be of no use because
it would be too easy for her to hang up on him. So he was going to walk over to
her place and sit outside the front door until she let him in. He needed to see
her, to touch her, to see if she still wore the same perfume. He wanted to know
how she felt about him. He left his apartment, not bothering to grab a jacket
or his car keys. He knew his way to the apartment they had shared and he would
find his way there, blindfolded if necessary. He needed to talk to her. He
didn't even care when it started to rain on his way there. He was too numb to
feel the cold. His shirt was soaked and clinging to his chest, his jeans were
tight and cold but his mind was elsewhere. He still had to decide what he was
going to say to her - that’s if she even spoke to him at all. He wouldn't blame
her if she slammed the door in his face. But he would beg her on his knees if
he had to. He needed her. There was nothing else to say. He needed her like he
needed air. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her right about now. He
had nothing left in him. His pride was gone, his lust for life was gone. And he
had finally realized that it had gone the day he had left her.
*****
Kasey
was startled when the loud knock sounded on her door. She looked at the clock
and frowned when she noticed that it was past eight. She certainly wasn't
expecting anyone. She placed the book she was reading on the coffee table and
placed her glasses next to it as she stood to answer the door. The sight of a
wet, cold and very drunk looking Jordan shocked the hell out of her. He looked
downright miserable. She couldn't help but feel a tiny sense of satisfaction at
that. But the minute he lifted his head and their eyes met, she was gone. He
had no light in his eyes, no laughter, no joy. The essence that had made him
who he was, just wasn't there anymore.
" Kasey, I..." he
started to say, his voice husky. He stopped and cleared his throat and started
again," Kasey can I talk to you?" He sounded lost.
" I guess so. Come in
before you catch a cold," she said and helped him inside. He only came in
as far as the hall and looked around. She knew he was trying to find changes.
But there was one thing she hadn't been able to do when he had left. And that
was to change anything. There were too many memories in this apartment to just
change them. She grabbed his arm and tried to pull him in further but he
resisted. He just looked at her, his eyes focusing on her face with astounding
accuracy - for someone so drunk.
" You didn't change
anything," he said. Kasey shook her head.
" I couldn't. Let me take
those clothes Jordan. You look cold in them," she said but he shook his
head.
" Let me just say this and
then I'll leave," he said stubbornly. Kasey sighed. She knew this side of
Jordan well. He was so bloody stubborn that he could make her scream in
frustration at times.
" Fine. You want to stand
there in wet clothes, don’t let me be the one to stop you," she said
sarcastically and he flinched. She turned away and started to walk away from
him but stopped when he called her name softly. She turned to face him.
" Kasey, please don’t walk
away from me," he said hoarsely.
" Why the hell not? You did
the same thing to me seven weeks ago!" she said angrily and then covered
her mouth with a hand. She hadn't meant to say that to him.
" I'm sorry about
that," he said quietly.
" Sure you are."
" I am. Please believe me.
The last thing I wanted to do was make you angry at me. I cant stand it when
you're angry at me," Jordan said. Kasey walked over to him and put her
hand on his cheek.
" Then why did you walk
away from me?" she asked softly and Jordan stared at her, directly in the
eyes and then did something that shocked her to her core. He fell to his knees
and bowed his head.
" I'm so god damn sorry
Kasey. I wasn't thinking straight. I was scared. Running away from you was the
only way I could handle my feelings towards you," he said. She lifted his
head with her hand and stared at him when she noticed the tears in his eyes and
on his cheeks.
" Jordan..." she
started to say but he interrupted her by wrapping his arms around her waist and
laying his head against her stomach. That was all it took. Her heart was gone -
again. She knew then that she could
never turn this man away. She stroked his hair, encouraging him to continue.
" I have nothing left in my
life Kasey. I just can’t go on without you. I don’t want to go on without you.
I made the biggest mistake of my life by walking out on you. I was so fucking
scared about how quickly I had fallen for you that I just didn't think
straight. I just reacted and left. I know how much I hurt you, how much you
must hate me but I need you. I can’t do this anymore. I go to sleep with you on
my mind, I wake up with you on my mind. I can get you out of my head. There is
nothing in me if you aren't with me. Please don’t say that there isn't anything
left for us but heartbreak. I'm begging you Kasey, on my knees, please forgive
me. Please come back to me. I miss you, I love you, I want you in my life. You
and I make sense. There's nothing else to say to you. I love you. Please
forgive me. Oh god, please forgive me!" he said, crying so hard now that
his shoulders were shaking. Kasey kneeled down so her eyes were directly in
line with his. The tears falling broke her heart. She knew that one word from
her and they would be back together but...she didn't think any further. She
cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. She could taste the salt from his
tears on his lips. He still tasted so damn good. She deepened the kiss and he
moaned as her tongue entered his mouth. She was the aggressor this time. He ran
his hands through her hair and rubbed the soft spot on her neck, knowing that
it would make her whimper. But she stiffened at that caress and pulled away. He
looked at her in stunned surprise and then slumped forward. Kasey realized then
that he had passed out. She sighed and dragged him into her bedroom. She
undressed him, loving every part of him. She stripped him nude and pulled the
covers over him as he snored softly. She stood there, watching him sleep for
several minutes. As much as she wanted to slip into bed with him, she knew that
she had some writing to do. She would write him a letter and leave the choice
up to him. She knew she wanted him back but the ultimate decision was his.
*****
Jordan woke up slowly the next
morning, squinting at the bright sunlight streaming in through the window. He
groaned as he realized he had a hangover. He closed his eyes tightly, willing
it to go away and then realized that the room he was in was not the room he was
normally in. He sat up quickly, clenching his teeth and cursing as his head
pounded protesting. This room...it was the one he had shared with Kasey before
he had left. He was naked...but there was no Kasey in bed Next to him. He
smiled slightly. At least he was in the right place. He wasn't in some strange
woman's bedroom. He was in the room of the woman he loved. But where was Kasey?
He got out of bed and slipped on his boxer shorts and walked out into the
living room. He saw Kasey sleeping on the lounge and smiled. He knew how
uncomfortable that damn thing was, having spent more than a few nights on it
himself in the past. But she looked so peaceful, almost like an angel sleeping.
He saw her writing pad and a pile of scrunched up paper next to it and knew she
had been up most of the night writing again. He picked up the pad, curious to
read what she had written and saw his name at the top of the page. He read the
writing, never flinching once, even when he got to the part where Kasey told
him about his words and actions last night. But he had to sit down when he got
to the part where Kasey had written about herself and her feelings...
"Jordan,
I never told you just how much I love you. It’s never been easy for me to say
what I'm feeling. I've always been better at writing them down. So I'm about to
tell you exactly how much I love you. For years I have loved you as a singer, a
celebrity but now that I've gotten to know you so well, lived with you for
seven months, been your lover, your friend, your confidant - well, my feelings
have intensified. I can’t think without thinking of you. I can’t breathe
without wanting you. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You are the greatest
thing to happen in my life for a very long time. You walk into the room and my
heart flips. I love you with everything I have in me and everything I do is for
you, will be for you. My future is yours - if you want it to be. I'm willing to
take you back - to forgive you as you asked me to do last night. But I cant be
the only one in this relationship to make the decisions. I'm leaving this up to
you now. It’s your choice. You either wake me up now and we start rebuilding
our relationship or you leave me. Now. You can walk out of here and leave me to
get on with my life. Your choice. I can’t do this for you. It’s up to you. All
I can say is that I love you and always will. "
Jordan traced his finger over
her writing as he watched her sleep, her slow, even breaths calming him. She
looked so peaceful as she lay there, dreaming about god knew what. He placed
the letter on the coffee table and knelt down beside her. He brushed her hair
away from her face and held his breath as she stirred but didn't wake. He
chuckled softly. He knew how hard it was to wake her in the mornings. He
usually woke her up by making love to her but he didn't think she would appreciate
that this morning. He ran his finger along her cheek, reveling in its
smoothness. Her lips were parted slightly and he ran a finger along her bottom
lip, aching to kiss her but holding himself back. He blew gently in her ear and
waited. Nothing. He ran his finger down her face. She stirred but didn't wake.
He leant down and kissed her, stroking her breasts as he did so. She woke up
then, slowly. She stretched and then opened her eyes.
*****
Kasey found herself looking into
the eyes of the man she loved. Her heart leapt. He had stayed. He wanted to be
with her. She noticed he was just in boxers and smiled a little.
" I stayed," he said
and she nodded.
" I noticed."
" What do we do now?"
he asked, unbuttoning her nightshirt slowly.
" Whatever it is, we can do
it later. Right now I need to feel you inside me," she said and he kissed
her gratefully. It was going to be alright. She was gonna make it - and now he
was too.
The End
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