Was It Something I Didn't Say?

By: Kasey

Copyright 1998

" Spending another night alone...wondering if I'll ever see you again...thinking what I would give...to get you back baby...I should have told you how I felt...instead I kept it to myself...I let my love go unexpressed...till it was too late...you walked away... "

Tonight was another summer night, like the rest of the nights this summer. Hot and sticky. So hot that he was again unable to sleep so he was out here by his pool, drinking a cold beer and staring at the photo in his hand. The woman in the photo was beautiful. Oh maybe not by social standards but she was beautiful. Her brown eyes were laughing at him. Her soft, full mouth was smiling and she looked happy. It was very hard to believe that the photo was only a month old. And that this woman, this very woman he had loved so much, was no longer with him. He wondered where she was, what she was doing, who she was with. It wasn't easy to just sit here and not go out and look for her. But she had made it perfectly clear that she did not want him to look for her. She didn't want anything to do with him after what he had done to her. He really couldn't blame her but why she wouldn't even let him talk to her, try to explain things, try to have another chance with her...that he couldn't understand. He took another sip of his beer and leaned his head up against the chair, staring up at the sky. The stars were especially bright tonight. As they had been a month ago...on the last night they had been together...

**********

He watched her as she dived into the pool, her black on piece suiting her perfectly. He had tried to get her to buy a bikini but she had refused. And now that he saw her in the one piece, he had to admit that she looked amazing in it. She swam two full lengths before pulling herself out of the pool and toweling herself off. She flopped down on the pool chair and smiled at him.

" You don't plan on swimming tonight?" she asked and he shook his head.

" I'd rather watch you swim," he admitted frankly and she blushed.

" I'd rather you swam with me. Its lonely in the pool without you," she said, running her hand up his thigh. He flinched and she smiled. She stood over him and held out her hand. He sighed teasingly and took it. She led him to the pool and pushed him in. She giggled as he come up spluttering and as he frowned at her.

" You little...I wasn't even dressed to come swimming! You've ruined a perfectly good pair of shorts!" he said teasingly and she laughed.

" They'll dry. You needed some cooling off anyway Joe," she said and swam over to her, long elegant strokes. She sat on the edge of the pool and waited until he surfaced between her legs. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him soundly on the mouth.

" That wont help me cool off," he said huskily and kissed her again, this time deepening the kiss until she pulled away, gasping for breath.

" Maybe you should go swimming instead of just standing there Joe. That may just cool you off," she said, running her tongue over her lips. Joe watched her with intelligent eyes and she could read the desire in them.

" Only if you join me," he said and she nodded, slipping into the cool water. She started to swim away and gasped when Joe grabbed her waist and pulled her to him. Her body heated up when she realized that he had taken the shorts off and was now standing naked behind her. He ran a hand down her body, stopping at her breasts and placing one big hand over one. He leant down and kissed her neck and she moaned, a soft moan barely distinguishable but he heard it just the same.

" You drive me crazy!" she whispered and he chuckled softly.

" So do you Jhana," he said as he sucked the tender skin behind her ear and she gasped. Joe's hands made quick work of her bathing suit and soon she was as naked as him. He turned her around and kissed her again, pushing her towards the wall of the pool as he did so.

" In here?" she asked in surprise, realizing what he wanted.

" In here," he said and placed his hands under her bottom and lifting her up to his mouth. She let herself float on top of the water as his tongue and teeth did wonderful things to her. She could feel her release coming as she arched her back and as Joe entered his tongue inside her, she exploded and her body quivered with the force of the passion. She was breathing heavily when Joe lowered her into the water and placed her legs around his waist. She reached down between their bodies and stroked him. He was hot and hard and as he pushed his way into her body, she felt as though she was breaking apart. She buckled as he thrust heavily into her. It didn't take long for them to reach the pinnacle and as she hit the highest she had ever been, she cried out," I love you Joe."

*********

Joe sighed and shifted uncomfortably as the memory faded. That was why he couldn't go swimming. That had been the last time they had made love. He remembered all too well what had happened next...

" Was it something I didn't say...when I didn't say I love you...was it words you never heard...all those words I should have told you...all those times...all those nights...when I had the chance to...was it something I didn't say..."

" Why cant you say it Joe?" those words still haunted him. After making love, she had gotten dressed and asked him quietly. He hadn't tried to play dumb. He had known exactly what she was talking about.

" Even when we make love, you just can't say it, can you?" Joe cursed. He could swear that he was hearing her voice right now. As if she was sitting by his side. Why hadn't he said it? She had looked so hurt when he had remained silent. He had wanted to tell her he loved her but the words just wouldn't come.

" Please Joe. Tell me you love me. That's all I ask. Three words. Is it so hard just to say those three words?" her soft voice had cut through him like a knife. He was so scared. If he told her he loved her, what would she say? Would she stay by his side or walk away with his heart? What if he didn't say he loved her? He knew that she wasn't the type of woman who would stay if she didn't hear the words she needed.

" I love you Joe. I love you with all my heart and soul. Please, tell em you feel the same way. Please Joe, don't make me leave you like this," she had begged him, literally begged him to tell her but he had remained silent. Even after the tears appeared, even after she had kissed him goodbye and even after she had left his house and his life that night, he hadn't said a word. He had wanted to tell her so much. They had been together for a year. And not once had he ever dared to tell her how he felt. Every night he had held her in his arms and kept his love for her a secret. And now...well, he was paying the price for that silence. He'd been living in the knowledge that it would take a hell of a lot more than 'I love you' and some flowers to get her back.

Joe's musings were interrupted when his cordless phone rang. He picked it up, saying hello automatically.

" Joe, I need to see you," his heart beat faster when he instantly recognized her soft, sweet voice. God how he had ached to heat it. But she sounded worried, scared. He wondered why.

" When?" he asked, hoping she wouldn't hear the pain in his voice. He was still being so bloody stubborn around her. Why couldn't he just let her hear his pain, hear how much he missed her?

" Tonight. Now. If you aren't busy, I mean," she said. Joe cast a quick glance around and grimaced. He was a lousy housekeeper at the best of times. Since she had walked out on him, he had serious problems with cleaning. But she knew what he was like.

" Whenever you can get here I'll be waiting," he said and he heard her sigh - was it a sigh of relief?

" Okay. Thanks. I'll be over in fifteen minutes," she said and hung up. Joe stared at the phone, stunned. Why had she called him? When she had left she had made it perfectly clear that she never wanted to talk to him again. He shook his head in wonder. Hope was blooming in his heart. He wanted her back - and tonight he would do whatever he could to make that happen.

*****

When the doorbell rang, Joe jumped up from his place on the stairs leading upstairs and opened the door. He devoured the sight of her standing on his doorstep. She was so beautiful. She looked at him and her eyes were full of worry and nervousness and his heart expanded. How on earth had he ever survived without her?

" Come in Jhana," he said and she smiled tremulously. He led her into his lounge room and watched as she sat on the armchair and not in her usual place on the lounge.

" Thank you for seeing me Joe," Jhana said and he nodded.

" Would you like something to drink?"

" No...no thanks Joe. I need to tell you something," she said, fiddling with her handbag strap.

" Jhana, what's wrong? You're never usually this nervous," Joe said watching her with a tiny frown.

" I've never been pregnant before," Jhana said quietly and Joe stared at her stunned.

*****

" Always assumed that you'd be there...couldn't forsee the day you'd ever be leaving me...how could I let my world slip through my hands baby...I took for granted that you knew yeah...all of the love I had for you...I guess you never had a clue...till it was too late...you walked away..."

Pregnant? She was pregnant? Joe stared at her, not wanted to comprehend her words. How on earth could she be pregnant?

" I thought you knew how babies were made Joe," Joe looked at her, startled. Then he realized he had spoken those last words out loud. He raked a hand through his hair and sighed.

" This is a surprise. I thought we were protected," he asked and she smiled nervously, twisting her bag strap around again.

" We were. But it says right there on the box, only 97% effective. I guess we're in that unlucky 3%!" she said quietly and tried to laugh. Joe's gut tightened. Sure, he wanted children, but now? Just when things were looking good for his album? He wasn't even married to her.

" Are you sure?"

" I've been to two different doctors Joe. Both tests were positive. I'm a month pregnant." Joe looked at her. That night by the pool. That must have been the night. God, what was he going to do?

" Jhana...I don't know what to say. I honestly don't. I'm surprised. We never even discussed pregnancy and children! And now, you turn up pregnant..." Joe shook his head and stared into the fireplace.

" It is your baby Joe," she said.

" I never said it wasn't."

" You were implying it though. I never cheated on you. Never. Not once. I was completely faithful to you, even after we split up," Jhana stood up abruptly and started to walk away from him.

" What do you expect from me Jhana?" Joe asked. Damn it, he knew he was being a bastard about this but he was shocked. He wanted her back. He was determined to get her back. But then she tells him she's pregnant? How the hell was any man expected to react to news like that?

" I thought I could talk to you...obviously I was wrong. I know we never talked about children. But you know, its not like we're together anymore! I don't expect you to get down on your knees to propose to me! I just thought it this would be something that you wanted to know about! You are going to be a father Joe. I don't give a damn how you feel about that. This is my baby, my body, my choice. You have no say in this matter at all! I only wanted you to know," Jhana said tearfully and ran away from him. She was out the door and in her car before he even had a chance to react. By the time he did, she had driven away down the street.

" Damn it Jhana! Please come back!" he called out but it was too late. He could see the receding red lights on her car. He slumped up against the door and held his head in his hands. Again. He'd done it again, damn it all! She'd given him a chance to make up for his last mistake and yet again he had failed. When the hell was he ever going to learn? Joe berated himself angrily. He stood up straight and grabbed his jacket and keys. Sitting around here for the rest of the night, telling himself how stupid he had been was not good for his health.

*****

Joe drove aimlessly through the Boston streets, not knowing where he was headed until he pulled up in front of Jordan's new house in Milton. (didn't think I'd leave Jay out o this one, did ya? hehe) Maybe talking to someone would help him. He got out of the car and noticed the light son in the house with some relief - and trepidation. He hadn't seen Jordan in close to a year...what would he say? How would he react to this? Joe had no time to think as the front door opened and Jordan stepped out onto the porch.

" Joe? Man, what the hell are you doing here?" Jordan asked. Joe shrugged as he neared the house.

" Needed to talk. I don't even remember getting here to be honest. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Joe asked and Jordan laughed.

" Nah man, Not tonight. Should you be driving?" he asked, worry in his tone.

" I'm not drunk J," Joe said dryly and Jordan glanced at him in surprise.

" I never said you were. You wanna come in or go out?" he asked.

" I don't think going out would be such a great idea. The mood I'm in I'll probably end up in jail," he said and Jordan nodded, leading him into the house. Joe surveyed the mess with a curious smile on his face," Didn't you move in here a month ago or something?"

" You try moving places while travelling between LA, Minneapolis, New York and Boston," Jordan teased and Joe laughed. He sat himself down on a chair that wasn't covered in clothes or papers," What do you want to drink?"

" What have you got?"

" Alcoholic or not?"

" Alcoholic. Very strong," Joe said.

" The strongest I have is beer. That do?" Jordan asked and Joe nodded. Jordan disappeared into the kitchen and came back shortly with two frosty bottles of beer. Joe sipped at his as Jordan threw some clothes to the floor and sat down on another chair.

" So how have things been with you man?" Joe asked, not sure how to start.

" Busy. You know I never realized how much effort went into recording and promoting a solo CD," Jordan said, after throwing Joe a strange glance.

" That's the advantage of having four other members around. How is the CD going anyway?" Joe asked.

" Hell Joe, you're not here to talk music. You're here to talk about whatever the h ell is bothering you. So why don't you just get on with it?" Jordan asked teasingly.

" Are you psychic?"

" Joe, the way you are at the moment, anyone would guess you're having problems of some sorts," Jordan said and leaned back, waiting for him to talk.

" I've been seeing this woman," Joe said and stopped.

" Well, hopefully she is a woman! A man would make me look at you in a different light!" Jordan teased and Joe picked up the nearest thing and threw at him. It happened to be a basketball shoe but Jordan dodged it neatly," You wanna stop attacking me and get on with why you show up to talk after a year of nothing?"

" She's pregnant."

" Damn it Joe. Stop joking..." Jordan looked at him again and breathed deeply," You're serious?"

" A month. Four weeks. However the doctors class it."

" I take it its not a planned pregnancy?" Jordan asked quietly.

" We broke up a month ago," Joe said," And yes, it is mine," he added when Jordan started to speak.

" I wasn't going to ask you that. I was going to ask how do you feel about this?" Jordan asked and Joe sighed.

" I like kids. I want kids. But now...?" Joe shook his head," This pregnancy couldn't have come at a worst time!"

" Well, some pregnancies are like that! What do you plan on doing about it?"

" I haven't even had time to think about that. Jhana only told me a little while ago. We had a small argument and she left. I didn't even have time to talk to her about it. I don't know how I feel or what to do about it."

" You know Joe, if Jhana is like any other woman, she won't want you to say one thing and mean another. She's pregnant. She needs the support right now. If you're thinking selfishly..." Jordan shook his head, not finishing his sentence.

" Trust me, I'm not thinking selfishly...well, maybe a little. I'm trying to get my album released, the last thing I need is a child. But on the other hand...a baby sounds kinda nice, ya know?"

" Just one thing. Babies are work. They require a lifetime of dedication and love. Before you go to Jhana and tell her what you want, make sure you know what you want first okay? I'd hate for you to screw up not only your life, but hers and the babies as well," Jordan said quietly and Joe nodded. He knew that. But how, exactly, was he going to make that decision?

*****

The next morning Joe picked up the phone and nervously dialed Jhana's phone number. When she answered it, he licked his lips nervously.

" Jhana, this is Joe. Can we get together and talk?" he asked. His heart sank when she was silent for a long time. Then he heard a faint sigh and he sighed in relief.

" All right. Where and when?" she asked.

" Can I come over to your place?"

" I don't think..."

" Please Jhana. This is important and I don't want to discuss this in public," he said and she quickly agreed at that," Then I'll be around in fifteen minutes. See you then Jhana." He hung up and grabbed his wallet and keys. He was going to do right by both Jhana and the baby. This wasn't a decision made out of honour or moral obligation. He had thought long and hard about his decision. If she didn't believe that he was making this decision because he loved her, he wouldn't let her go on believing that. He was determined to make her see that he did really love her and really did want to be with her - and their baby.

*****

" Come in Joe. How did you know where I lived?" that was the first thing Jhana asked him when he showed up on her doorstep just under fifteen minutes later.

" I've known where you live since you left me Jhana. I needed to know that you were all right," he said simply and she looked surprised but she led him into her living room anyway. She sat down on the lounge chair and he sat down on the opposing chair. She looked nervous - but there was also a glow about her, He figured it was her pregnancy. In the book he was reading, it said that some women actually glowed or had a type of radiance about them when they were pregnant.

" What is it that you wanted to talk about Joe?" she asked, fiddling with the buttons on her blouse.

" You. Us. The baby. Why I never told you before today that I loved you," he said and watched her face go through several different emotions.

" You've never said those words before Joe. Why now? And after last night...why should I believe you?" she asked. He could hear a note of hope in her voice, but he could sense she was expecting nothing out of this.

" After you left last night, I drove around to Jordan's. We had a long talk. What he told me, I realized was the truth. I've never told you that I loved you because I didn't want to end up being hurt again. I've had girlfriends who laugh in my face when I tell them I loved them. They were only with me because of my money. Or because I was a celebrity. I didn't know why you were with me," Joe said and Jhana looked at him in surprise.

" I told you that I loved you. I'd never stay with you for your money or your celebrity status. I love you Joe!" Jhana said and Joe felt a little flicker of hope flare. She had said 'love', not 'loved'. Did that mean she still loved him?

" I never really fully believed that until you told me you were pregnant. If you had've only been with me for money, you would have wanted money more than anything. But you actually told me about the baby instead of having an abortion," he said and she nodded.

" You are the father after all. Keeping this baby a secret from you would not be a good idea. I don't want to deprive our child of a father," Jhana said, placing a hand on her stomach. Joe noticed the gesture and smiled. He couldn't believe that there was a child inside her. His child. He felt an inordinate sense of pleasure. If she gave him another chance, he would be a good father to this child.

" I thank you for that Jhana. I don't want to be out of my child's life. I don't want to be out of your life anymore Jhana. I love you and now our baby. I'm asking you for another chance," Joe asked, going straight to the point.

" I-I don't know..."

" I promise to you that I'll never treat you bad again. I love you Jhana. I honestly do. I'm sorry that I never told you before. I was scared. I never thought that you'd leave me. And when you did, you took my heart with you," he said.

" Joe, I'd love to be able to believe you. I really would. But..."

" I'm lost without you. I love you. Please don't shut me out of your life, out of our baby's life just because I was stupid enough to make a mistake. I need you in my life. I'd need you even if you weren't pregnant. When you rang last night and asked me if you could come over, I made up my mind then to ask you back. To ask you to give me another chance. Then you told me you were pregnant and I just forgot what I was going to say," he said and Jhana stared at him.

" Joe..."

" Please Jhana," Joe said. He wasn't giving her any chances to say no. He wanted her to believe that he really did love her.

" Will you stop interrupting me! If you'd just let me get a word in, you'll find out the answer sooner!" Jhana said, smiling a little.

" I'm sorry. I just don't want you to say no to me."

" I'm not going to Joe. I'm giving you another chance. I do believe that you love me. And not just for the baby either. But I sweat to God Joe, you screw up again, there won't be another chance. I'm not willing to ruin our baby's life," Jhana said and Joe felt a sense of relief. Everything was going to be all right. She was going to give him a chance - that was all he wanted. He could help her trust him again by telling her he loved her everyday of his life. They had plenty of time. There was certainly no rush.

The End

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