Change

By: Lara

If ever you had said to me before that I would life this life that I am living now, I guess it’s all so strange to feel the way I do inside, but I have so much that I could feel some pride for in my life…so why is it that I feel like this?

“Thank you, Howie!” The girl gave him a big hug and a delighted smile.

“No problem. Thank you for making a donation.” He gave her another hug and posed for another picture. He sent a subtle look in his bodyguard’s direction.

“Okay, ladies, I’m sorry, but Howie has some things he needs to get done. Thanks for coming out.”

“Awww!” The group of girls chorused as one. Howie smiled and waved, ever the sweet yet grateful Backstreet Boy. He went through the double doors and down the hallway, sighing with relief.

“Thanks,” he said to the bodyguard. He shook his head. The meet and greet for people who had donated to his charity was HIS idea, but the whole thing just wore him out.

“No problem, Howie. Get upstairs and rest,” the man ordered, smiling as he held open the door to the back stairwell of the hotel.

“Yes, sir,” Howie said obediently, and grinned back.

He didn’t rest. He pulled the desk chair over to the window and stared out. In the far distance, he could see the ocean lapping at the beach, but he didn’t dare walk out there. He’d get mobbed. Everyone knew he was in this particular town at this particular time, and he just didn’t know if a leisurely walk on the beach was worth it. He frowned down at the street. What he wouldn’t give for a ten minute walk down the sidewalk. A walk as himself, Howie Dorough, with no fans, no disguise, and no bodyguard. He immediately felt guilty. The amount of money he was paying for this hotel suite would pay rent for some families, and here he was wishing it all away. How wrong was that?

He knew he was lucky. He had a family that loved him, and although he had lost his sister along the way, he was honoring her memory the best way he knew how with the charity work. He was the one who never got into trouble, never did anything controversial. He was probably the most boring Backstreet Boy…well…maybe after Brian. He had good friends and most of the fans had positive things to say about him. Well, there WAS that whole homosexual thing going around, but he could ignore that…for now. Better to ignore then to let the anger take over. He had learned that from AJ.

How do I feel? I’ve been here before…I’ve felt this retreat to a place, a place within me…I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside…it breaks me to torment again and torture me like it used to…

“Hey, D…”

“Hiya, Kev,” Howie said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He had moved from the chair to the bed and had fallen asleep. “What’s up?”

“We’re in town…me and Kris…thought you might wanna have dinner.”

Howie looked at the clock. It WAS dinnertime. “Well, thanks, but I have other stuff I gotta do. You know how it is.”

“Yeah, I sure do…just wanted to check in and say hey…so…I guess we’ll see you in the studio next week.”

“Absolutely. Give Kristin a kiss for me.”

“I will. Later, bro.”

Howie hung up and stared at the ceiling, or what he could see in the dim light from the windows. Sleeping, as usual, had taken him away from everything. When he was younger, when the group was younger, his sleeping habits were a running joke. Howie could sleep anyplace, anywhere. Now sleep was welcome. It was a place he could hide, for he rarely dreamed. In his sleep he could just be a body on a bed with no soul, no identity, no guilt. When he was awake he saw everything he wanted to escape from…and Howie Dorough of the Backstreet Boys had no need to escape, did he?

I try and try to break away from all the hate I’m feeling for every one of you that’s ever done me wrong. I need to justify the reasons for the way I’m living. I guess I can’t cause I don’t feel like I deserve it…

“Howie, that is about the ugliest shirt I have ever seen,” Nick observed as Howie entered the studio. Howie frowned and looked down at himself. He wore a gauzy blue shirt he had bought in Peru. The shirt was dark, but brightly colored threads danced around the neckline.

“I don’t remember asking you, Nicky,” Howie snapped back. He had hardly even noticed what he put on that morning. A pair of dingy khaki pants with fringes at the cuffs, old sandals.

“You look like a bum, D,” AJ pointed out affectionately. Howie made himself smile at his best friend before rummaging through the cupboard for some tea. AJ was only kidding. And what did it matter what he wore? It didn’t change the fancy car out front or the house by the ocean. Howie put a mug of water in the microwave.

“You ever wonder why the hell we are where we are?” Howie asked. Brian and Kevin froze at the piano keyboard.

“Um…because we worked our asses off?” Brian asked.

“I mean, really. We sing and dance. Millions of people around the world sing and dance. They sing at wakes, they sing at weddings, they dance for rain, they dance for sun. Why are we getting paid like this for doing what everyone else does?” Howie wanted to know.

“Dude, what’s in that tea?” Nick picked up the bag and sniffed it.

“I just…I feel guilty sometimes…we’re not what they think we are.”

“But the more we let them think that we ARE that, the more they pay us, D.” AJ clapped Howie on the back, and Howie had to clench his fists to keep from hitting him. Damn him for not understanding…the one that the fame had affected the most. “I think you need a vacation.”

“Yeah…a vacation…” Howie said faintly, attempting to smile as he grabbed the teabag from Nick and plopped it in his water. “Let’s get to work.”

He bent over AJ’s shoulder to read the words of the song Kevin had written. He looked around the room, taking in the expensive clothing and the jewelry and everything else. He made himself think he was worth it. But he still wondered.

So now the waves they have subsided…and my soul is bleeding…I can’t take away the shame…forgive me…

The End

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