Fade

By: Lara

I try to breathe...memories overtake me...I try to face them but the thought is too much to conceive...

Brian sighed and sat up, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He checked his alarm clock. Three o’clock. He got up and went to the bathroom, sighing again as he listened to the old faucet groan to life. Not quite what he was used to, but he didn’t really care. He splashed cold water on his face, then toweled off. He walked back into the motel room and looked at the bed. He knew he wouldn’t be sleeping again any time soon.

He grabbed the key, threw on shorts and some old sneakers and went out of the room. The motel was a tiny roadside building made up of ten rooms side by side. It had been decorated in early 1970s ugly green and orange, but he didn’t really care. It served his purpose. The sleepy clerk at the desk had quickly taken his cash without question. Brian saw an old metal bench under a tree in front of the motel, and he went to sit down.

Brian stared at his battered sneakers, running a hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe everything that had happened in such a short time. Two years earlier he couldn’t have been happier. He had married his beautiful girlfriend, his career was in its prime, everything was like gold. Then it had slowly started to fall apart. The marriage remained, but he never saw his beautiful Barbie doll wife, LeighAnne. He had to promote the new CD, then he needed to tour for it. She occasionally visited, but being the wife of a Backstreet Boy was opening all kinds of doors for her movie career. She would call him in Mexico from Australia or Europe where she was working on a scene or doing retakes. No, she didn’t know when she could hook up with him, but she loved him.

She loved him. Brian did honestly believe that. She loved him the same way he loved her...but unfortunately it wasn’t enough when he needed it most.

I only know that I can change everything else just stays the same...

Leaving was the hardest thing. No, that wasn’t true. TELLING her he was leaving was hard, and not just emotionally. It was almost impossible to get her somewhere where he could have a serious conversation with her, and getting her back home at the same time he was there was virtually unimaginable. But by some stroke of luck, her latest project wrapped early and she was back home after he got done working with Kevin for two weeks in California.

Seeing her was hell. She was so beautiful...tanned and gorgeous after a month of working in Puerto Rico. She hugged him and kissed him. “God...a sight for sore eyes,” she said to him, and he couldn’t tell her. Not yet. But he had to. He had to make a change.

He made it until after dinner. They went to their favorite romantic restaurant. She was full of laughter and charm, telling stories about people she knew and the things she had seen, and all over again he was reminded of all the reasons why he had fallen for her. She never asked about him, what he was doing, where he had been while she was gone. That reminded him of all the reasons why he needed to leave.

“Leigh...we need to talk,” Brian said when they returned home from the restaurant.

“Sure! Hey...can you set the alarm for seven? I need to get up and go running,” she called over her shoulder as she began to undress.

“Leigh...I mean it.” Brian followed her into the walk-in closet, where she was standing in only her slip. “C’mere.” He took her hand and sat her down next to him on the bed. “I need to tell you something.”

So now I step out of the darkness that my life became ‘cause I just needed someone to talk to....you were just too busy with yourself. You were never there for me to express how I felt...I just stuffed it down...

As Brian sat on the bench, his cellphone rang, startling him. It was the middle of the night, and he had forgotten that the phone was in the shorts he had quickly pulled on. “Hello?”

“B-Rok.”

Brian smiled. Of COURSE AJ was up at this hour. “Hi, Aje. What’s going on?”

“Um...not much.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“No. Dammit, I need a cigarette.”

“Then smoke one.”

“My cell battery is dead and the boneheads who run this hotel had one room left for me...nonsmoking. So I can’t leave the room and talk to you at the same time.”

“That never stopped you before,” Brian said with a grin.

“True.” He heard AJ inhale and sigh with contentment. “So, Rok, where the hell are you? I called your house, Leigh answered, and hung up on me when she heard my voice. Hate to tell you, but she’s a heartless bitch.”

“Yeah...I know,” Brian said softly.

“Whoa...Rok...I was joking,” AJ said quietly. “What’s going on?”

“I left, Aje. I’m on my way down to Florida to stay for a while.”

“Really? Sweet. I’ll be there tomorrow...on my way back from New York now.” Brian smiled. After getting out of rehab and finishing the tour, AJ had gone on an extended vacation, visiting his favorite cities around the country and basically just figuring out what was going on with his life. “You can stay with me.”

“No, AJ, I didn’t...”

“You’re staying with me, Rok. My turn to take care of someone.”

Brian sighed. “Thanks, Aje. Hey...I’m gonna head back to bed. I’ll hook up with you at your place tomorrow, okay? Take it easy.”

“You, too, Brian. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ll see ya.” Brian turned off his phone and stared up at the stars. AJ. Brian couldn’t have been prouder of him. He was doing so well…not perfect…but better. And he was really trying. Brian knew that if AJ ever found out that HE was one of the things that had brought the shambles of Brian’s marriage to a final resting place, he would have felt guiltier then hell.

But it wasn’t really AJ’s fault. The situation with AJ had just finally brought all kinds of things to light. When AJ was ready to admit his problems, Brian and the others were there for him. It was hard…it’s always hard to see someone you love hurting themselves, and AJ had been hurting. He was so lively, so energetic, so amazingly talented…seeing him down and depressed and just NOT himself was like a needle in Brian’s heart. He had tried to explain it to LeighAnne a few times on the phone without giving too much away; it was AJ’s business, after all, and not Brian’s, but she didn’t seem to want to understand.

“What’s a few drinks, Brian? People drink all the time.”

“But he’s so sad, Leigh. So down. You know AJ. It’s not him.”

“He’ll get over it, Brian.”

Of course, AJ hadn’t ‘gotten over it,’ and he finally decided to get himself some help. Going on MTV was pure hell for Brian and the others, but they pulled it off and AJ was somewhere getting the kind of help he needed. Brian went home immediately after that, grateful for the break from the touring. LeighAnne breezed through town for a few days, and she totally ignored the pain in Brian’s blue eyes…or else she just didn’t see it at all.

Now I’m older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade…but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made…

“When I saw the message on the refrigerator, I didn’t really believe it. But here you are,” AJ said, clutching the chain link fence. Brian didn’t turn around, carefully keeping his eye on the white blur coming towards him from the pitching machine.

“I had some quarters…needed to blow off some steam,” Brian replied, huffing as he swung and connected. The ball met the bat with a welcome crack.

“Nice one,” AJ said approvingly. “When did you get in?”

“About an hour ago.”

“So you drove all night from wherever, and then you came here?”

“Yeah. Uh…” Brian grunted as he took another swing. “That’s it.” He turned around and smiled as he exited the batting cage. “Hey.”

“Hey.” AJ hugged Brian tight. Brian pulled back and looked at his friend. He wore the usual tank top and baggy shorts, but his shorn hair was growing into a dark curly mess that he hid under baseball caps. The sunglasses were slid down on his nose so Brian could see the dark eyes. “If I wasn’t reformed, I’d say you look like you need a drink.”

“You’ll never be reformed, Bone,” Brian said, glad that AJ could joke around in this way.

“Let’s go get some brunch. On me.” AJ slung an arm around Brian’s shoulder and led him to the car. Brian followed willingly. One great thing about AJ was that he would never pester you to talk until you were ready.

Two weeks later came the phone call. Brian was flipping through the newspaper, looking for a small house to buy when the phone rang. “Bone’s House of Blues,” AJ said, wiggling his eyebrows at Brian as he spoke. He frowned. “Okay. Yeah, he is. Hold on.”

AJ handed the phone to Brian, whistling the chorus of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.” He gave Brian’s shoulder a squeeze, then left the room. “Hello?” Brian said softly.

“Brian, what the hell is this? What am I holding in my hand?”

Brian knew exactly what she was talking about. “They’re divorce papers, Leigh.”

“What the hell is all this? You said you were going…you needed some time…”

“No, Leigh, that is NOT what I said. I said that I felt a distance between us…and that there was nothing we could do to mend it anymore. When I needed you…when I was having some problems, you were never there. Even when you WERE there you were never there…it’s finished.”

“Brian…”

“Just sign them, Leigh, okay? There’s a HUGE settlement for you, and you can have anything you want in the house. Tell your lawyer to call mine. I’m sorry.” Brian hung up the phone and stared at the newspaper, the print blurring before his eyes.

So where were you when all this I was going through? You never took the time to ask me just what you could do…

The End

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