Father Time

By: Lara

“Shit,” Chris grumbled, running one hand through his hair as he impatiently tapped at the calculator in front of him. The battery started to fade, and he swore again. “Dammit to hell.” Chris picked up the offensive calculator and threw it across the room. It hit a bud vase on one of the tables, dumping fake flowers onto the floor. Chris sighed and frowned, burying his face in his hands. A rumble of thunder punctuated the anger in his heart. He hated this.

He looked around the empty deli, trying to pick out familiar features in the dark. A huge thunderstorm had cut the power off throughout the city, and he was sitting and trying to work on bills by candlelight. His small pocket calculator had died, and he was actually glad. If it was dead, it couldn’t tell him how completely fucked he was. He had inherited the deli from an uncle, and the place was losing money fast. He had changed nothing, yet he was making nothing.

Chris was just deciding that he should just go upstairs to the large apartment above the deli and hit the hay when the candles flickered in a breeze. He looked over at the doorway, surprise to see a young man stepping in from the horrendous downpour. The man was tall and thin, about eighteen or nineteen years old. He wore battered jeans, an even more battered denim jacket, and sneakers with holes in them. “Hey,” he said. The boy blushed, pulling a sodden bandana from his head. Damp curls sprang to life once they were uncovered.

“Um, hey,” he said shyly. His eyes darted around the darkened room.

“We have no power,” Chris said, then kicked himself. Duh. “I mean, I can’t really cook for you.”

“That’s okay…I don’t really have…” the boy stopped himself. Chris just knew he was going to say he didn’t have any money. “I don’t really have an appetite,” he finished. “I saw your candles, and I just needed to get out of the rain.”

“No problem,” Chris said suddenly, standing up behind the counter. He tossed the boy a small hand towel. “Sit down for a second.”

“Um, okay.” The boy sat on the closest chair and ran the towel across the curls. Chris came out from behind the counter to get a better look and immediately wished he hadn’t. The boy was gorgeous. Simply beautiful. Too thin, but he had sad blue eyes and sweet red lips. “I’m sorry for barging in on you.”

“No problem. You saved me from killing myself, probably,” Chris joked. The boy didn’t smile.

“That’s nothing to joke about,” he said softly. Chris frowned.

“Right. Sorry.” A thought occurred to him. “I was just gonna make myself some dinner. You want something?”

“I don’t take charity,” the boy said, frowning.

“Right. Of course not,” Chris said quickly, feeling sorry for this beautiful boy with the sad eyes. “Well, I’ll cook you the special. The special is…uh…ham and turkey club. You like club sandwiches?” Chris pulled out the sandwich fixings before the boy could reply. “With mayo?”

“Um, yeah…and mustard. But that’s not what’s on your special board,” the boy pointed out.

“I never changed that? Sorry…it’s the special. Can’t do the toast, but I can make the rest.” Chris deftly put together a huge sandwich and threw some chips on the plate as well. “Here.” He pulled one of his own cans of Coke from the fridge and handed it to the boy. “One special.”

“How much?” The boy asked warily.

“Two dollars?” Chris asked. The boy pulled out a battered wallet and extracted two dollar bills as if it was painful to do so. Chris wondered if this left the billfold empty.

“That’s a cheap special. No wonder you don’t have any business,” the boy observed, wolfing down the sandwich. His eyes flickered around the room as he ate. “Actually…it’s no surprise. No offense, Mister, but this place is just plain boring.”

“Boring?” Chris asked.

“Yeah…I mean…if you’re pushing, say, swiss cheese sandwiches, you should do something fun in that front window.” The boy pointed to the display. “Put some fake cheese in there with some stuffed mice or something.” He shrugged. “Something creative.” His plate was empty and he handed it to Chris. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Chris held out his hand. “I’m Chris.”

“Justin,” the boy said shyly. He shook Chris’ hand, then pulled back. “I should go.”

“Wait. You don’t have all the special.” Chris walked behind the pastry case. “It comes with your choice of pastry.”

“Really?” Justin’s eyes grew wide as he looked in the case. Chris handed him a flashlight, and Justin shone it through the glass. “I’ll take one of those. The apple ones.”

Chris inwardly groaned as Justin chose the most expensive pastry he had in the place, but he smiled and put it in a box. “Here, take a few more.” He placed four more in the box as well. “They’re leftovers from yesterday anyway,” Chris lied. He handed Justin the box. “Do you…um…need a ride?”

Justin’s blue eyes closed down. “Nah…I’ll be cool.” He headed for the door, then turned around. “Take my advice. Be creative.” He slipped out into the rainy night and Chris shut the door behind him, suddenly feeling very old.

“Can I please go on break now?” The boy at the front counter whined. Chris looked at his watch and sighed. It wasn’t like they were expecting much of a lunch rush anyway.

“Yeah, go ahead, Josh. I’ll watch up here.” Chris took his place behind the register as Josh eagerly began to pull his apron off. “Wait.” Chris watched the door open. “Wait on these…hey there,” he said in a friendly tone.

“Hey,” Justin said shyly. Josh took one look at him and frowned.

“The soup kitchen is around the corner,” Josh almost snapped. Justin drew back and started to go out the door again.

“Josh, aren’t you going on break?” Chris growled. Josh’s eyes widened at his boss’ tone.

“Yeah, I am. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.” Josh tossed his apron onto the counter and tore out the back door. Chris turned back to Justin.

“How are you? I’m sure glad the power’s back,” Chris said for something to say. He motioned for the chair that Justin had occupied four nights earlier. “That storm was crazy.”

“That it was,” Justin agreed, shivering in his lightweight denim jacket. It was the same jacket, same shoes, and Chris was sure even the same jeans. Only the bandanna was missing.

“Can I get you something?” Chris asked.

“Well…I…”

“I was just about to eat…but I don’t think I want a whole sandwich.” Chris tossed some steak and onions onto the grill and dug out the cheese from the fridge. “Do you like mozzarella? Swiss? Provolone?”

“Um…whatever,” Justin said, and Chris knew he was too hungry to say no. Chris tossed him a can of soda.

“I took your advice,” Chris said, pointing to the window. Justin frowned and walked over. “Well, I tried, anyway. Josh is no help in the window department. He’s just interested in the girls that might come in. You gotta girlfriend?” Chris attempted small talk to keep Justin from getting too nervous.

“Nah. No time for that.” He peered over the small partition to look in the window. “Well, you’re right, you did TRY. Mind if I switch some stuff around?”

“Be my guest. Earn your lunch,” Chris joked, and Justin finally smiled, a sunny grin that took Chris’ breath away. Chris turned back to his grill, ordering his heart to stop beating three miles a minute. Justin pulled the partition away and began to rearrange the items it had taken Chris three hours to set up.

“How’s this?” Justin asked as Chris set down two plates on Justin’s table. Chris did a double-take.

“Wow. You’re right. You want a job being my window display creator?”

Justin blushed. “No…um…thanks…but I…it’s hard, you know…I’m not always around.”

“Okay,” Chris said, curious but not wanting to pry. “Lunch is served.”

Justin sat down and immediately tore into his sandwich, not even noticing that Chris had made two sandwiches instead of one for them to share. “This is really good,” Justin said with his mouth full. “If you could get people in here, you’d make a fortune.”

“Yeah,” Chris said with a sigh, watching the curls on Justin’s head slightly bob as he chewed. “Hey…about Josh. He’s a stupid kid. I mean, he’s older than you, he’s like twenty-three or something, but he’s still stupid. He shouldn’t have acted like that.”

“It’s okay, I’m used to it,” Justin said, his eyes sad as he looked down at his dirty clothes. “That’s one of the reasons I stopped by…to say thanks. I stopped at a few businesses that night, trying to dry off, and three kicked me out. Until I came here.” Justin flashed the smile again. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Like I said…I was about to do something drastic and you probably saved me.” Chris looked around. “I should just torch the place and collect the insurance. My uncle left me this, and I think he’s in heaven, sorely disappointed.”

“If this is a family thing…don’t give up,” Justin told him softly, finishing his soda. “You don’t know how lucky you are to have something that your family gave you.” Justin stood. “Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you around.”

Before Chris could reply, Justin left.

“Dammit, what the hell is this, anyway?” Chris grumbled a week later, staring out at the rain. It was late October, and unusually cold. He was surprised it just didn’t blizzard or something, as much rain as they had been getting. The river that flowed through the center of the city was threatening to flood, and business was even slower than usual. He had built on Justin’s idea and created a new and interesting display window, but no one was walking the streets to see it. “I think it might be letting up,” he said hopefully to Josh, who was doing inventory. “But after you’re done there, you can go.”

“Thanks,” Josh said, counting packs of Swiss cheese. “Is there more of this downstairs?”

“Yeah…back wall,” Chris told him, wiping a table. Josh disappeared downstairs, then came back up.

“Uh, Chris?” Josh’s blue eyes were huge. “You oughta come down here.”

“I told you, it’s right by the…oh Jesus.” Chris looked at the floor in dismay as he stopped on the third step. The basement was filled with water, about ankle deep.

“Do you want me to open the back door and start sweeping it out?” Josh asked.

“No,” Chris said with a sigh. “Go upstairs and flip the closed sign over and lock up. I’ll work down here.”

“Okay.” Josh frowned but went back up. Chris wanted to cry, but instead he trudged up to his apartment to put on some old clothes.

“I guess the phrase it never rains but it pours is an understatement, huh?” Chris jumped as he heard a voice in the doorway. Justin leaned against the wall, pulling off his red bandanna.

“Hi, Justin,” Chris said with a weary smile, sitting down on the steps. Justin plodded through the water. “Your shoes!”

“Already soaked,” Justin informed him, grabbing the large push-broom from Chris. “Rest for a second.”

“I think I will,” Chris replied, leaning back and closing his eyes. The swish of the broom was strangely relaxing. “This weather is crazy, huh?”

“Yeah…makes sleeping a bit uncomfortable,” Justin said before he thought. Chris didn’t reply to that.

“I even changed the window…but no one has been out in this shit to actually see it.”

“I saw it,” Justin said as he swept. “I’m impressed.”

“Thank you,” Chris said, and laughed.

“Maybe you could like rent a vacuum or something…know anyone with a ShopVac?” Justin asked Chris.

“Duh. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?” Chris wondered, slapping himself. “I’m glad you came around.”

“Me too,” Justin said softly, smiling his sunny smile. Chris snapped his fingers.

“Actually, I AM glad you came around. I have a bunch of old clothing I was gonna give to Goodwill…stuff I totally grew out of years ago…and I hate to give to strangers. I’d rather give to someone I know. I tried to give it to Josh, but unless there’s some dumbass designer name on it, he won’t wear it. Wanna come take a look?”

Justin eyed Chris skeptically. “I don’t know.”

“Trust me, Justin, I was gonna give it away anyway,” Chris promised, lying through his teeth. Three bags of the warmest clothing he owned were waiting upstairs for Justin to stop by again. “If you don’t want it, you can help me carry it to my car.”

“Okay.” Justin followed Chris upstairs, his wet shoes squishing on the steps.

“I hear an accent…where are you from?” Chris asked as he unlocked the apartment.

“Down south. I came here with a friend…we thought we could make it, you know. He was really business smart…and I kinda sing.”

Chris turned around. “You KINDA sing?”

“Yeah.” Justin’s sneaker scuffed in front of him. “Kinda.”

“Well, someday I’d like to kinda listen to it,” Chris told him. “There are the clothes. Why don’t you pick something dry out and change?”

“Okay,” Justin said, kicking the sneakers off and pulling off his jacket. When he pulled the tshirt over his head, Chris ordered himself to go make cocoa or something, but he couldn’t move. Justin was more than beautiful. He was gorgeous. Tight muscles in his stomach below ribs that were way too easy to see, biceps that filled out his slender arms. Chris actually wanted to whimper. Justin looked up at Chris, who blushed and hurried out to the kitchen.

“Find anything?” Chris called as he heated milk in the microwave.

“Yeah,” Justin yelled back. Chris quickly made two mugs of hot chocolate and went out to the living room. Justin’s wet clothes were on a neat pile on the floor, and he wore a dark green sweatshirt and a pair of black sweatpants. “These are good. Thanks.”

“I’m glad.” Chris handed Justin the mug. Justin padded around the apartment on bare feet.

“This place doesn’t look this big from the front,” Justin observed.

“Yeah, it’s kinda big for one person, but my roommate…” Chris gulped. “He…ah…he got his own place.” Chris ordered himself to not think about Howie. If he didn’t think about Howie, he wouldn’t get upset. After three years he should be able to think about Howie and not get upset.

“Right,” Justin said, nodding. “I had a roommate, too. Lance…the guy that came with me from home.”

“Really? You guys aren’t friends anymore or something.”

“He killed himself last year.” Chris’ mug fell to the floor and shattered. “Oh, Chris! Are you okay?” Justin hurried over to pick up the broken pieces of mug.

“I’m fine. Back up, Justin. You don’t have shoes on.” Chris’ face was red with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blabbed that out like that.” Justin ignored Chris and picked up the pieces anyway. “Anyway, things didn’t go the way he wanted them to…he wanted to get into music and manage me…and it didn’t work out. We were hungry and living in a dump and he was embarrassed, since he had convinced me to come out here. So I come home one day and he’s dead on the bed…bottle of sleeping pills on the pillow next to him with a note that said he was sorry.” Justin wiped away a tear. “He was sorry,” he repeated softly.

“That’s why you yelled at me when I joked about killing myself?” Chris asked quietly. Justin nodded, then stood. He slipped on his wet sneakers.

“I should go. Thanks.” Justin grabbed a small bag of clothing and went to the steps.

“Justin, wait!” Chris said, hurrying after him. His heart went out to the beautiful boy with the sad eyes. He wanted to hold him, wanted to smooth down the unruly curls, wanted to tell him it was okay, that he understood the loneliness. But he didn’t. “Can I drive you to your home?”

“No.” Justin’s blue eyes shut like a steel door. “I’m fine.” He thumped down the steps to the basement and out the back door.

“Hand me another piece of poster board.” Chris didn’t look up from his work.

“There isn’t anymore. Dammit, I feel like I’m in Kindergarten,” Josh growled, crumpling up another piece of construction board and tossing it in the garbage.

“How hard can it be to cut out a pig, Josh? I gave you a pattern to copy.” Chris glared at his employee. They were working on a display to sell BLTs and ham sandwiches, and Chris thought his flying pig idea was cute. Justin would be proud. Chris frowned as he thought of Justin, whom he hadn’t seen in almost two weeks. The weather was getting colder, and Chris worried about him. “And what do you mean, no more poster board?”

“Chris, you used the last piece.” Josh’s voice rose, and Chris quickly glanced over at their two customers. It was still early, and business hadn’t really started yet.

“Go get some money from the register. Drive to Carter’s and buy more,” Chris ordered. Josh frowned.

“No. I’m not going down there. It’s bad down there.”

“Josh, it’s ten blocks down the street.”

“I’m not going down there, Chris,” Josh said quietly. “I’m easy bait for those guys down there.”

Chris looked at Josh, with his unruly brown hair and beautiful blue eyes and sighed. Carter’s Stationery was in a particularly seedy part of town, a part of town that hosted drug deals and prostitutes. Especially homosexual prostitutes. But it was the closest store to the deli, and Chris hated to waste time. “Fine. I’ll go. No pimp will wanna try to grab me to work for him.” Chris studied himself in the reflection from the window. He was thirty but felt sixty. Father Time, compared to Josh and Justin. “Keep an eye on things, please…and don’t burn the place down.”

“Excuse me?” Josh looked insulted. Chris grabbed his coat and keys and headed for the car parked out back.

“Dammit, this city is so fucking annoying,” Chris griped as he looked for a parking place. He drove down the same street for the third time. The young boys were out in full force, even though it was almost lunchtime. A few eyed him with interest; if someone drove around THAT many times, it was obvious they wanted action. “A-HA,” Chris said triumphantly as a car pulled out from a street two blocks from Carter’s. He slid into the parking spot and started to get out of the car. Something across the street caught his eye and he froze.

Chris’ warm breath started to steam up his window, so he rolled it down slightly. A tall thin boy in a very familiar sweatshirt and jeans leaned into an open car window. Chris couldn’t see the driver, but he was pretty sure it was a man. The boy nodded and stretched, making sure the driver could see the long line of his body. The boy nodded again, and slowly walked around to get in the passenger side of the car. The boy was Justin. With a heavy heart, Chris watched the car drive away before he headed up the street to Carter’s.

Chris tossed the poster board at Josh, telling him to continue working. He went upstairs and fell onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t care if it was lunchtime. He didn’t care if his deli filled with customers. He could hardly breath. Justin. Justin…that sweet beautiful sad boy…whoring himself to get money to eat. Why hadn’t Justin come back? Chris would’ve fed him, Chris would’ve taken care of him. Chris ignored the tiny voice that told him he was jealous, that he wished that HE was in that car driving away with Justin to God knows where. He hadn’t been with anyone since Howie.

Chris groaned and rolled onto his stomach, hiding his face in the pillows. It wasn’t that. There was something there. Something behind the sad blue eyes, behind the sunny smile. Chris wanted to find out more about Justin. He knew it was wrong, hell, he was ten years older then the boy, probably. But he couldn’t help it. Justin had even crept into his dreams once or twice, and that only made Chris care more.

Someone pounded on his door. “Go away, Josh, I’m busy!” He yelled.

“Chris, you dumbass, it’s lunchtime. Come down and make me my special steak sandwich!” A voice yelled. Chris groaned and got up.

“Hey, Joe,” he said, opening the door for his best friend.

“Dude, why the hell are you up here?” Joey breezed in, handing Chris his long trench coat as he walked in. He flicked an imaginary piece of lint from his black suit. “I’m starving, dammit.”

“Don’t they have restaurants in Snootyville where you work?” Chris said, unable to keep from smiling. Joey had a job at a production company uptown, and he rarely came down to the low-class area where Chris lived and worked.

“Nah…everyone’s noses are too far in the air to attempt to eat,” Joey replied. He smiled and hugged Chris. “It’s been too long, man. Sorry I haven’t called.”

“It’s okay…I’ve been preoccupied,” Chris said softly, looking at the floor. Joey put a hand on his arm.

“Howie call?” Chris shook his head. “Good. Rat bastard.” He studied Chris carefully. “Have you found someone new?”

“No…well…yeah…well…not really,” Chris said, kicking himself. Joey’s face lit up.

“Really? Cool, man, what’s his name?”

“There’s no one, Joey. Let me make that sandwich for you.” Chris grabbed Joey’s coat and led the way downstairs to the restaurant.

“Thank God, Chris, it’s getting crazy in here!” Josh said frantically, but he grinned. Chris grinned back, thankful for the distraction.

“Thanks for working the evening shift, Josh,” Chris said gratefully a few days later as he counted the drawer. “I really needed you tonight.”

“No problem. I don’t mind working a double, especially when I get two days off in a row!” Josh said cheerfully, turning the front light off and flipping the closed sign. Business had been booming, and Chris was planning on writing a want ad for the newspaper that evening. Someone knocked on the door and they both looked up. A figure stood in front of the door, shivering in the cold. “Hey, buddy…we’re closed.” Josh pointed to the sign.

“No…Josh…it’s okay. Let him in,” Chris said softly. “I’ll take care of it.”

Josh looked from the forlorn figure on the sidewalk to his boss, but he opened the door and allowed Justin to walk in. “I’ll see you on Friday, Chris.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Josh.” Chris smiled at his employee, then looked at Justin. Justin wore one of Chris’ jackets and a battered pair of jeans. Josh took off out the back door. “Hungry?”

“I could eat,” Justin said simply.

“Let me lock this up and I’ll get you something,” Chris told him. He quickly walked down to the basement and put the money in the safe. He came up and saw Justin sitting at his usual table. “Everything’s turned off…cold sandwich okay?”

“Yeah…I don’t have money for much,” Justin admitted. Chris handed him a soda and went to quickly throw a sandwich together.

Chris sat the plate down in front of Justin and watched the boy eat. “I saw you the other day,” he said suddenly. Justin froze in mid-bite, then continued to chew. “On the street.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chris dark eyes were stormy as he tried to think of something else to say.

“It’s not cuz I want to…you know…and I only do it when I absolutely have to,” Justin said finally. “Alex…the dude I work for…he’s pretty cool…let’s me work when I want…cuz I’m that good.”

“Oh,” Chris said weakly. He had figured Justin was probably “that good.”

“And I don’t…you know…fuck, or anything…I’m all about blowjobs and handjobs and shit…and sometimes the guy just wants to talk or something…or wants to watch me get off.” Justin shrugged.

“God,” Chris whispered.

“Unfortunately, no fucking means no money pretty much…I hafta give some to Alex, and then I don’t have much…and I share with my friends.” Justin blushed. “I can’t believe I just told you all that.”

“Justin…let me ask you something and don’t run, okay?” Chris said. “Why don’t you…hell…work at McDonald’s or something?”

“I don’t have a high school diploma, for one…and they usually like an address when you work for them,” Justin replied. His blue eyes met Chris’ brown eyes and he said nothing more. Chris didn’t ask.

“You could work here,” Chris said suddenly. “I need a night guy.”

“I don’t take charity,” Justin snapped, eyes narrowing.

“No, Justin, I swear, I need someone.” He grabbed a piece of notebook paper from behind the counter, where he had been working on the want ad for the newspaper. “See? I was already drawing something up.” Chris smiled. “I could pay you under the table, you know, until you got enough money to get settled…you could get your GED or something…then it could be official and all.”

“I don’t know,” Justin hedged, playing with some of his potato chips. “Chris, I know you’re trying to help…but…shit…I’m just some kid. How do you know I’m not gonna rob you blind?”

“I just KNOW,” Chris told him. “I feel it. I feel that you’re not like that.”

Justin tilted his head to the side. “And I don’t know you. For all I know, you could be some serial killer.”

“You found me out. I kill young good-looking guys and chop them up and put them in my steak sandwiches,” Chris said seriously. Justin looked down at his sandwich, then laughed out loud. “Come in on Friday when Josh is here,” Chris suggested. He wanted nothing more then to have Justin alone with him, but he’d be too busy to train him. “You can follow him around and stuff. I’ll pay you, and if you decide you like it, I’ll put you on the schedule.”

“Could I come in before that?” Justin asked shyly. “Josh doesn’t like me…and I’d be nervous.”

“Josh is a prick,” Chris said before he thought, and Justin laughed out loud again. “You can come in tomorrow at four…how’s that?”

“Great,” Justin said. He stood up, smiled again, then disappeared out the front door. Chris realized that he didn’t offer to pay, and he smiled. The first sign that Justin was letting him help.

“You’re doing really good,” Chris told him as he added up the drawer the next day. “You’ve been a big help.”

“Thanks,” Justin said softly, running his mop across the floor. Business had been steady, and Justin had been a Godsend. Chris had covered up his ratted t-shirt with an apron, and customers were impressed with Justin’s polite manner and sunny smile. He had no problem washing dishes or clearing tables, and he learned everything incredibly fast.

“You can go whenever…I can finish up here,” Chris said.

“Nah…I’ll finish this.” Justin leaned on the mop. “You know, Lance is probably turning in his grave right now.” Chris stopped counting and looked up. “He told me he never wanted me to do something like this. He said I was given a gift and I should use it. He said I was too special to be mopping floors or flipping burgers.”

You are, Chris almost said. Instead, he said, “I’m sure you are very talented.”

Justin shrugged. “Anyway, that day…I told him that I had gotten a job at a burger joint down the street from our room…and he freaked. Went ballistic on me. Told me I was stupid…that I was a dumbass for doing something like that. I told him I felt like eating for once…and we fought and I stormed out. That was the last time I saw him alive.” Justin ended in a whisper. Chris wanted to reach out, wanted to hold him. Justin looked him in the eye. “Lance was more than just my friend…you know…”

“I know,” Chris told him.

“Just wanted to clarify that. I know some people have a problem with gays and all.”

“I don’t have a problem with it,” Chris said, wishing he could tell Justin the truth about himself. Something made him hold it back. “I’d love to hear you sing,” Chris said suddenly.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Justin blushed, then looked away. He said nothing, and Chris thought he might have pushed too far. “I’ll sing a little bit. I used to sing this to Lance at night. He’d have a rough time getting to sleep…worrying…so I’d sing it. It’s an old song…and sad…but he liked it. Said it made him dream of getting away…don’t know why though.”

“Okay. I’ll just keep working here,” Chris said, turning back to his cash drawer. But the voice that soon filled the empty room filled his heart so quickly he KNEW he’d be dreaming about it that night.

After Justin had gone, Chris went upstairs. He dug out his old records and flipped through them until he found the one he wanted. Justin had sang an old song, one of his favorites, and Chris needed to hear it again. He turned it up, but quickly he tuned out the voice of the singer and heard only Justin in his mind.

“It was raining hard in Frisco…I needed one more fare to make my night…a lady up ahead waved to flag me down, she got in at the light…where you goin’ to my lady blue…It’s a shame you ruined your gown in the rain…she just looked out the window, she said sixteen Parkside Lane…something about her was familiar, I could sewar I’d seen her face before…but she said I’m sure your mistaken, and she didn’t say anything more…took a while til she looked in the mirror, then she glanced at the license for my name, a smile seemed to come to her slowly, it was a sad smile, all the same.” Chris closed his eyes, picturing Justin mopping and singing, the dropping lines of his shoulder following the motion of the mop. “And she said, how are you Harry? And I said, How are you, Sue? Through the too many miles and the too many smiles, I still remember you.” A strange little smile had crossed Justin’s face as he sang the next verse.

“It was somewhere in a fairy tale, I used to take her home in my car. We learned about love in the back of a Dodge, the lesson hadn’t gone too far. You see, she was gonna be an actress, and I was gonna learn to fly…she took off to find the footlights, I took off to find the sky.”

Chris sighed, thinking of Justin…did he learn about love with Lance in the back of a Dodge? Had Lance whispered sweet love words as he made love to him? Chris pushed that thought from his brain and made himself hear Justin once more. “There was not much more for us to talk about…whatever we had once was gone…so I turned my cab into the driveway past the gate and the fine-trimmed lawns. And she said we must get together, but I knew it’d never be arranged. Then she handed me twenty dollars for a two-fifty fare, she said, Harry, keep the change. Well, another man might’ve been angry, and another man might have been hurt…but another man never would have let her go, I stashed the bill in my shirt. And she walked away in silence…strange how you never know…but we’d both gotten what we asked for…such a long long time ago…”

Chris remembered the sad look on Justin’ s face. He had been ready to tell him it was okay to stop singing, but Justin had continued as he pulled on his coat and headed for the door, fully intending to leave before Chris could comment. “Ya see she was gonna be an actress…and I was gonna learn to fly…she took off to find the footlights, I took off to find the sky…and here she’s acting happy, inside her handsome home…and me, I’m flying in my taxi, taking tips…and getting stoned…”

Chris turned his face into the pillow, fighting back tears. He hated this Lance, hated this man who had hurt Justin like this. And he hated himself. Hated himself for falling so hard for a boy who was too young, too hurt, and too far away for him to ever reach.

“I kinda need some time off,” Justin said to Chris a week later. He had been working three nights in a row, tirelessly and without complaint. Josh was grudgingly nice to him, but it was obvious that he could not see past the mysterious nature and grungy clothing.

“Of course.”

“Like a while,” Justin said nervously. “Like three or four nights in a row.”

“Um, okay.” Chris desperately wanted to ask, but he didn’t want to crush the fragile friendship that had sprung up between them. Justin saved him the trouble.

“Alex has been bugging me,” Justin said softly, keeping one eye on Josh behind the register. It was a Friday night, and Chris had asked Josh to come in for a few hours to help out. “He…um…misses the money I made him.”

Chris sat down weakly on a chair, pretending to rearrange the sugar bowl and the salt and pepper shakers. He had hoped that Justin was DONE with all that. He knew HE couldn’t have him, but he didn’t like the thought of Justin ducking in and out of cars all night. “Really?” Chris barely could say.

“Yeah.” Justin sat down across from Chris. A hand slowly reached out to rest on Chris’ wrist. “I’d rather be here,” he said softly. Their eyes met and Justin blushed, snatching his hand back. “I mean, hell, the pay is good, it’s inside, and I’m enjoying the work here,” he said cheerfully. But his eyes were sad. Chris forced himself to hide his heart, tearing it off his sleeve and tucking it down inside.

“Sure, Justin, whatever you want to do,” he said lightly. “I mean, you’re not on the schedule or anything. If Josh can’t come in, I’ll handle it alone.” Chris stood and went behind the counter to help some customers. Justin waited until Chris went back into the storeroom for more rolls.

“Chris, I’m sorry. I don’t have a choice.” His grip on Chris’ arm was harder this time. “If I don’t…he’ll come find me. He has eyes everywhere. He’s cool for the most part, but I’m basically his boy.”

“What?” Chris whispered. His boy? Justin belonged to someone else?

“No, not like that,” Justin quickly clarified. “I work for him. Like one of those guys…I remember in school…they worked and worked for a guy so he’d sail them over from England or something?”

“Indentured servant,” Chris said, and Justin nodded.

“Yeah…until I can get on my feet I gotta do what he says.”

“You could stay here,” Chris said quietly, scuffing his shoe on the dirty floor. “I mean, I could hide you upstairs and…”

“I can’t stay here.” The blue eyes slammed shut so quick Chris gulped. “Number one…I just can’t. Number two…he’d find me anyway, and you’ve been too nice to me.” He tore off his apron and handed it to Chris. “I gotta go. I’ll see you around, okay?”

“Yeah, see you around,” Chris said sadly, watching his heart walk out the door.

“Chris, you dumbass, why the HELL are you doing this?” Joey asked for the tenth time.

“It’s been a good week…I have money to blow,” Chris slurred. Joey grabbed the beer out of Chris’ hand. Chris reached over, grabbed Joey’s Seagram and Seven, and downed it in one gulp.

“Dammit, Chris? What the hell has gotten into you?” Joey made a motion to the bartender, who nodded and refused to come over when Chris called.

“Stupid. So fucking stupid. Why the HELL do I fall for the ones I can’t have?” Chris asked Joey sadly.

“What’s going on?”

Chris sighed. He hadn’t seen Justin in five days, and it was killing him. He wanted to go find him, but he was sure that Justin was good at hiding. It was obvious he didn’t want to see Chris. “Nothing,” Chris muttered. He threw down some money. “I need to go home. I have to work tomorrow.”

“For Christ’s sake, Chris, who is this guy?” Joey helped Chris to his feet and guided him to the door.

“He’s an angel, Joey. Looks like an angel, sings like an angel…he’s amazing,” Chris said with a goofy grin.

“I’m Henry the Eighth I am…Henry the Eighth I am I am…” Chris sang three days later as he cheerfully swept out the basement. It had rained the night before and the floor was covered in silt and water, but he didn’t care. For the first time it looked like he was going to break even. He might be able to make it work.

“I saw those records in your place. You couldn’t find something better to sing?” Justin leaned in the open doorway, smiling shyly. Chris could not control the grin that lit up his face.

“Hey there.” He leaned on his broom. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.” Justin fidgeted in the doorway.

“Josh is up there. He’s attempting to do the window and I’m afraid to go up and see what he’s come up with. Wanna relieve him?”

Justin smiled his gorgeous smile. “Yeah, I would like that.” He carefully picked his way across the floor, and Chris noticed he was wearing new shoes. Chris frowned but said nothing. Justin stopped next to him. He paused, then gave Chris’ shoulder a careful squeeze. “I missed you…missed this place.” He ran up the steps before Chris could reply.

Four days in a row Justin worked, and he never mentioned the time he had been gone. Chris brought it up, however, when Josh accidentally stumbled and hit Justin in the side, eliciting a howl of pain from the younger man.

“Sorry, dude, I slipped!” Josh said quickly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Justin said, gasping in pain. Chris took him by the hand and led him to the back storeroom.

“What happened?”

“Nothing…I fell…” Justin began. Chris scowled and he rethought his words. “A guy got rough,” Justin said with a shrug. “Wanted me to fuck him and I said no. Let go with a left hook…” Justin pulled up his shirt and Chris gasped at the bruise. Without thinking, his gentle fingers reached out to trace Justin’s soft skin. Justin jumped and pulled back.

“Sorry,” Chris said, his face flaming red.

“It’s okay. It just hurts. Alex was furious…sent one of his friends to beat the hell out of the guy,” Justin said. His eyes were haunted and old.

“You need to get away from all that,” Chris said softly.

“Well, ‘all that’ is all I know now,” Justin said, going back out front. Chris frowned and followed him. Justin went to clear tables, softly singing as he worked.

“Chrissy-Pooh!” Joey said cheerfully as he waltzed in the door. Chris groaned as Justin and Josh snickered. “I’m hungry. Gimme something good.” His eyes fluttered around and settled on three young women eating lunch in the corner. “That will do.”

“Joey, you’re impossible,” Chris said, sighing. “Cheesesteak?”

“Extra onions,” Joey said, sitting down and looking around with a bored expression on his face.

“Hey, Justin, can you run down and get me some onions from the freezer?” Chris called out.

“Sure.” Justin smiled at Chris as he watched the boy go downstairs. Joey stood up and walked over to the counter.

“An angel, huh?”

Chris grabbed Joey by the lapel and practically dragged him to the storeroom. “Joey, shut up.”

“What?” Joey’s eyes were innocent. “Voice like an angel, looks like an angel…that boy is pretty, I’ll give him that. And I heard him sing. He sounds good.”

“He IS good.”

“And am I right when I say he plays for your team?” Joey grinned at Chris’ blush. “Dammit, I’m good. For a straight man I got great gaydar. Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Joey. And first of all, he doesn’t know I’m gay.”

They turned at the thunk of a bag hitting the floor. Justin’s eyes were wide as he looked at Chris. “I couldn’t find…uh…well…I gotta go.” Justin darted for the front door.

“Jesus Christ, Joey, thanks a fucking lot.” Chris ran after Justin, who was already outside. “Justin, wait!” He yelled, but Justin ran through the crowd. “Shit.” Chris leaned against his front door, closing his eyes.

Weeks went by and Chris heard nothing from Justin. He watched the doorway every morning, even walked around back, but nothing. He wasn’t anywhere near the deli, and it was obvious he wasn’t coming back. Chris was frantic with worry. The weather was growing cold, and it had even flurried a few nights. He would close his eyes and see Justin shivering on a street corner, waiting for some lecherous old man with a good left hook to pick him up for a blow job. Chris had even gotten into his car a few times, figuring he could be a lecherous old man as well as anyone else, but he couldn’t even start the ignition. He had frightened Justin away, and he couldn’t bring himself to actually go SEE Justin in that environment.

He was sitting down in the deli at two in the morning one night, nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels. He turned the bottle left and right, watching the liquid swish inside the glass. A pounding on the door made him jump. His eyes widened and he hopped over two chairs in his haste to open the locks. Justin stood in the doorway, teeth chattering. Water was actually frozen to his curls, and his clothes were half wet, half frozen. “Oh my God…Justin…”

“Fell…into the river…swam out…” Justin took one step and fell into Chris’ arms.

“Oh my God…oh my God…” Chris frantically struggled with Justin, then finally picked him up in his arms. He was tall but didn’t weigh much, and Chris didn’t have much of a problem carrying him up the steps to the apartment. He carried Justin to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed. His mind raced. Should he put him in hot water, or would the water be bad for him? He could call an ambulance, but he knew his insurance wouldn’t cover Justin, and the hospital might not want to treat a homeless boy from the streets.

Chris looked down at Justin and realized that the first thing he needed to do was to get Justin out of his wet clothes. Chris carefully pulled off the wet denim jacket, then tugged the tshirt off. This was no easy task, as Justin had lost consciousness when he fell into Chris’ arms. Chris pulled off the new sneakers and threw them over his shoulder. His fingers shook as he reached for the button of Justin’s jeans. He closed his eyes and shook his head. Justin needed him to think clearly and rationally. He tugged and peeled the jeans off and pulled Justin up to rest on the pillows. Chris tucked the covers around him, trying not to gape at the slender naked body on his bed. He ran for a towel and carefully dried Justin’s curls the best he could. He then went and dug through the closets, looking for all the blankets he could find. He piled them on Justin, then kicked off his own shoes. He climbed under the covers, ignoring the sweltering heat of the blankets. Justin was shivering and his lips were blue. Chris pulled Justin into his arms, burying his head in the still-damp curls.

“C’mon, Justin…hang in there,” he murmured. “Wake up for me. Wake up…okay?” He kissed Justin’s head, running his hands up and down Justin’s arms. “Wake up, baby.”

“Mmm…” Justin’s blue eyes fluttered open. “What…where…”

“It’s okay…you’re okay…I’m not gonna hurt you…” Chris promised. Justin’s eyes darted around anxiously, but Chris refused to let him go, using his own body heat to get Justin’s body temperature up. “Don’t fall asleep, okay? You’ve gotta stay awake…I don’t want you falling asleep forever.” Chris tried to smile, tried to hide his anxieties. “I need you downstairs to work on the window.”

“So…cold…” Justin chattered. Chris held him tighter.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I…was walking…back home…under the bridge…” Justin began slowly. His eyes drooped shut and Chris shook him. Chris tried not to show his shock. He knew which bridge Justin was talking about. It was a bridge not far from the deli, down by the river, where all the homeless people slept at night. “I had some money…and I was gonna share…I have friends down there…” Justin burrowed deeper against Chris, and he shook him again. “Friends…I share the money…and some guy jumped me…went after me…and I ran…and I slipped…into the river…”

“Oh, Jesus…” Chris breathed. He couldn’t even imagine how cold the water must have been.

“Somehow…got out…came here…”

“I’m glad you came here. I’m really glad you came here, Justin…tell me more…tell me…” Chris lightly slapped Justin’s cheek to keep him awake. He didn’t want him to sleep until he was sure he was warm enough.

“I saw Lance…I saw Lance he told me I should swim…he was on the bank…” Justin said softly. Chris shook him again. “He told me to come here…said you’d take care of me but I couldn’t get to you unless I swam…so I swam hard…and I came here…”

“That’s right…I’ll take care of you, Justin…always…as long as you let me I’ll take care of you.” Chris wanted to cry as he felt Justin’s slender arm go around his waist to hug him.

“So…c-c-cold…Chris…I miss Lance…he left me…”

“I won’t leave you, baby…never like that…I’ll take care of you…” Chris whispered, kissing Justin’s forehead. He kept Justin talking for over an hour until the shivering finally stopped. Chris allowed Justin to drift off to sleep, and waited another hour before pulling himself out from under the covers.

Chris sat by Justin’s bedside for the rest of the night, drinking cup after cup of coffee. Justin talked in his sleep, alternating between yelling at Lance and sobbing, asking why Lance left him alone. Chris held Justin’s hand and smoothed his forehead, wiping away the beads of sweat that formed there. It was soon obvious that Justin was running a fever. Chris removed a few of the blankets and kept a cool cloth on Justin’s head.

The phone rang at eight, waking Chris as he napped with his head on the bed. He leapt up and grabbed it before it woke Justin. “What?” He growled.

“God, Chris, are you always such an asshole in the morning?”

“What is it, Joey?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me to the club for breakfast. My treat.”

Chris rubbed his eyes. “No…I can’t. Not today. Shit, I need to call Josh and tell him not to come in,” he realized.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Justin.”

“Justin. Justin who? Justin…oh…that kid.”

“Yeah, that kid. That kid almost died last night, and he’s here in my bed, practically delirious with fever.”

“Shit…is he gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Chris whispered. He brushed a finger through Justin’s curls. “He’s so amazing, Joe…I just wanna take care of him…make him see the world’s not so awful…”

“I think we have a lot to talk about,” Joey said finally. “But you take care of your boy there. What’s Josh’s number? I’ll call him for you.”

Chris rattled the number off. “Thanks, Joe.”

“No problem. I’m sorry I scared him off that day. I’ll stop by with some lunch around noon, okay?”

“Yeah…thanks.” Chris hung up and watched Justin sleep.

Chris regretfully left Justin’s side to answer the door at twelve-thirty. “Hey,” he said tiredly, smiling at Joey.

“I brought you Chinese, and brought your friend some chicken noodle soup,” Joey said, smiling at Chris as he handed him a paper bag.

“God, I hate to wake him up,” Chris said, leading Joey to the bedroom. “He finally stopped ranting about an hour ago.”

“Chris, go eat or nap or something,” Joey said gently, laying a hand on Chris’ shoulder.

“I don’t want to sleep. I want…”

“Then go eat,” Joey interrupted. “I’ll feed the angel here. I’ll make him eat, whereas you’ll probably just sit and drool on him.”

Chris smacked Joey on the back of the head, but he went to the kitchen to sit down and eat. He heard Joey curse once or twice and grinned. Obviously Justin wasn’t being very cooperative. “God, I’m tired,” Chris said to himself, shoveling in some pork fried rice.

“Hey, Chris…still got some of my clothes here?” Joey came back out, soup staining the front of his dress shirt. Chris chuckled.

“Yeah…in the hall closet. I’ll pay to dry clean that.”

“No problem. And by the way…I called in mentally ill today…I’ll hang here with you, if you want,” Joey called over his shoulder. Chris smiled gratefully. Joey could be a lot of different kinds of jerks, but when you needed someone, he was always there.

Joey managed to get a few slurps of the soup down Justin’s throat after about a twenty minute fight. Justin didn’t know where he was, didn’t seem to be completely with it, but he finally allowed Joey to feed him. Joey came back into the kitchen, where Chris was dozing in his chair. Joey lightly shook him and he jumped. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay…you should rest.”

“I will…I’ll go back in the bedroom in a minute.” Chris massaged his temples.

“Tell me,” Joey said gently, and Chris told him. Told him about the first night Justin appeared, about the things Justin had told him, about how Justin had been working in the deli. He told him about the fear that had run through his veins when he saw frozen Justin standing at his door.

“I think…” Chris rolled his eyes. “God, Joe, I think I’m in love with him. This kid, this twenty year old kid…I don’t even know his last name, which is one of the reasons I couldn’t take him to the hospital. All I know is his name is Justin. I know he’s beautiful, he has a wonderful smile, he can sing like an angel…I know I want to help him. But I also know he’s still in love with that dumbass kid who left him…and I know I’m way too old for him.”

“Chris…don’t talk like that. With what he’s experienced…hell…he’s older than you are,” Joey pointed out. “Give it time.”

“He’ll haul ass as soon as he’s able,” Chris said sadly. “It’s what he does. He doesn’t like taking help.”

“I think this might be different, Chris. You saved his life,” Joey said gently. “Why don’t you go check on him. I’m behind on my soap operas anyway.”

Chris got up and hugged his friend. “Joey, you’re the best.”

“Yeah, I know. And I’m running a tab, so you’ll be owing me big time,” Joey said as he went into the living room.

Chris returned to the chair by Justin’s side. He stroked Justin’s curls, noticing that the fever was finally starting to fade. His thumb trailed across the chapped lips that had been so blue just a few hours before. “Get better,” Chris whispered. He put his chin on his hands next to Justin on the mattress and fell asleep.

Something poked Chris in the side of the head and he groaned. “Joey…I swear to God…leave me alone…” he mumbled.

“Chris,” a voice whispered. Chris’ eyes flew open. Justin smiled sleepily. “Hey.”

“Hey…Justin…God…you’re awake…”

“Yeah…thirsty.”

Chris practically ran from the room, coming back with a small cup of water. He carefully tilted Justin’s head up so he could take a few sips. “There ya go.”

“Thanks.” Justin carefully stretched beneath the blankets. “How long…have I been here?”

“Since last night,” Chris told him. “About twelve hours.”

“You took care of me.” This was a statement, not a question.

“Yes, I did.”

“Thank you.” Justin snaked a skinny arm from under the cover to take Chris’ hand. “Thank you so much. You saved my life.”

“No, you saved yourself by getting out of that river and over here. I’ll never know how you did it,” Chris said, shaking his head.

“Lance told me to come here,” Justin said softly. He smiled. “He always would tell me what to do…and he was always right.”

Not always, Chris thought, but said, “He sounds wonderful.”

“Yeah…” Justin said faintly. “He had this spiky blond hair, but it was soft…and green eyes…Chris, you have NEVER seen eyes like this. Light green…not emerald…and pale skin…so soft…” Justin trailed off, his eyes filling with tears.

“I have sweats here…” Chris dug through a drawer. “In case you want to get up and go to the bathroom or something. I…well…Joey’s out there and…”

“Did he try to feed me?” Chris nodded and Justin blushed. “Tell him I’m sorry.”

“You can tell him yourself, if you feel like getting up,” Chris said. Justin slowly flipped the covers back and Chris averted his eyes.

“Oh…sorry…” Justin put on the sweatpants as quickly as he could, and Chris helped him stand up. “God…I’m sore…”

“You had quite a night,” Chris reminded him as he helped him to the living room. Joey smiled.

“Hey, it’s Sleeping Beauty!” He held out a hand. “Joey.”

“Justin,” he said shyly, shaking Joey’s hand. They got him situated on the sofa, Joey covering him with an afghan as Chris went to heat up the rest of the soup.

They spent the rest of the afternoon together in front of the television. Justin didn’t say much, just watched Joey and Chris talk and joke around. They tried to include him, but they soon realized he felt more comfortable being silent. Around six-thirty, Joey got up to leave.

“Thanks, Joe, for everything,” Chris said, hugging his friend.

“No problem. Like I said, you owe me.” He turned to Justin. “Get better, okay? Maybe I’ll drop in tomorrow, check in on you.” Joey had already seemed to adopt Justin as a younger brother.

“I’d really like that,” Justin said with a small smile. Chris walked Joey to the door.

“He’s sweet, Chris. Go for it,” Joey said seriously.

“I…I…”

“Trust me…he looks at you like you’re something REAL special. He’ll come around.” Joey gave Chris a light punch in the shoulder and then went out the door. Chris slowly walked back, deep in thought.

“Were you and Joey ever an item?” Justin asked softly. Chris looked up quickly.

“Me and Joe? Hell, no. He’s as straight as an arrow. He has so many freaking girlfriends I can’t keep them straight. This week it’s Michelle…I think…or something like that.” Chris smiled. “We’re best friends.”

“That’s cool. Lance was really my only good friend…even before I came up here.” Justin didn’t cry this time. “Not many people in our town wanted to be friends with a fag.”

“I understand that,” Chris said softly, nodding. Justin looked up at him, and Chris could read the question in his eyes. “I thought you’d run away…I thought you’d think I was like one of those guys in those cars…seducing you by being nice to you,” Chris said, his voice strangely thin. “I didn’t want you to think that.”

“I wouldn’t have.” Justin tilted his head. “You’re not like that. I can see it in your eyes.”

They looked at each other for a moment. “Yeah…well…thanks. I’m gonna change the sheets on the bed. You were kinda sweaty,” Chris tried to joke. He headed for the bedroom.

“Your roommate…you mentioned him once…what happened?” Justin asked. Chris slowly turned around, the pain fresh in his heart. He walked back and sat at the foot of the sofa.

“Howie. We were together for a couple of years…I thought it was forever, you know? And he dicked me over…literally. Right here on this sofa. I came upstairs early, it had been a slow night, as usual…and there he was…bent over the back with some tall blond guy fucking the hell out of him.” Chris looked up, blinking hard. “God…it’s been three years and it still hurts like hell.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay. I’m nosy enough, you should get to ask questions.”

“He was stupid,” Justin said, his eyes dark with sympathy. “You’re too good for someone like that. I would NEVER do that, if I had someone like you.”

Chris blushed and stood, ignoring the little flickers running up and down his body. “I’ll get that bed set up for you.” He looked at Justin. “You ARE gonna stay here, right?”

Justin nodded slowly. “As long as you’ll let me…I feel safe here.”

Chris smiled and went to the bedroom, heaving a sigh of relief.

Chris kept the deli shut for two more days, wanting to make sure Justin was truly getting better. Physically, he was. He soon regained a healthy appetite and began to fill out. Chris could count less of his bones, not like he looked whenever Justin didn’t have a shirt on. Yeah, right. He looked at Justin all the time, whenever he could get away with it. Justin was a beautiful young man, and Chris began to physically ache for him. While he was sick, while they were getting to know each other, Chris lusted after him on purely an emotional level. He wanted to be the one Justin turned to, not the memory of this Lance that Justin worshipped on an obsessive level. But Chris smiled and nodded and said all the right things.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me. Don’t even come down…just call…the number is on the fridge,” Chris said when he finally decided he should open his business again. “When Josh answers, you tell him to grab me and I’ll come right up.”

“I’m not four, Chris,” Justin said, annoyed. “I’ll be okay up here…is it okay if I listen to your music?”

“My apartment is your apartment,” Chris said as he walked out the door, trying to ignore how much he wished that were true.

“Hey there, Chrissy.” Joey sat down at the counter, the only empty spot in the room. “How’s the kid?”

“Good. He’s doing a lot better.” Chris made change, then brought Joey a cup of coffee. “You can go check on him, if you want.”

“Maybe I will…cheesesteak…the usual…” Joey told him. “How are YOU?”

Chris understood the question. “Okay.” Chris played with a salt shaker. “It’s hard.”

“I bet it is,” Joey grinned. Chris tossed the salt at him.

Three days later Josh and Chris were getting ready to open when Justin slowly made his way down the stairs. “Thank GOD,” Josh said, smiling at Justin. “If I have to hear one more time how Justin does the display window WAY better than I do, I’m gonna kill Chris.”

“Really?” Justin smiled shyly at the praise.

“Really,” Josh said. “Please, go do it. Make him stop!”

Justin almost giggled as he wandered over to see what Josh had attempted. “Good Lord, Josh, this is a nightmare.” He started to rearrange things, and Chris tried not to watch him bend over the partition. Once customers started to come in, Justin sat on a stool behind the register so Josh and Chris could concentrate on making the food. It was a good setup, and things ran smoothly.

Chris couldn’t help but notice how the relationship between Josh and Justin had improved. He was glad…he didn’t like the way Josh had been treating Justin. Chris had told him about the tumble Justin had taken into the river, and he had seemed very sympathetic. It was as if he could finally look past all the things on the outside and see the person inside. Chris frowned as he watched Josh go after Justin with a towel, attempting to snap him on the backside after Justin had teased him. They were both so young, and Chris once again felt ancient.

“Maybe you should go up and rest,” he said suddenly, and Justin froze.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I’m going stir crazy up there.”

“Oh…okay…I just didn’t want you to overdo it,” Chris said quickly. Justin smiled the sunny smile.

“I won’t. Thanks.” He turned on Josh and pelted him with a handful of shredded cheese. Josh hooted and chased Justin into the storeroom. Chris sighed and went back to what he was doing.

Chris slowly trudged up the steps to the apartment, weary after a long day of working and thinking about Justin. Something had to be done. He couldn’t handle it…couldn’t handle knowing that Justin was in his bed and there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe he could get an application for Justin to get his G.E.D. He could get Justin set up in his own place, loan him money that Justin would pay back after he got a real job. He deserved better than this…working behind a counter, mopping floors. Justin should be up on stage, should be worshipped by everyone.

“Hey,” Chris said, staring at the sofa in surprise. He had been sleeping there so Justin could get a good night of rest every night, but Justin had it made up for himself.

“Hey,” Justin said, blinking as Chris turned on the light. He had been watching television in the dark. “I thought it was about time you got your bed back.”

“I was fine on the sofa,” Chris told him, going towards the bathroom to change.

“I know…but I felt it was time for you to start to get your place back.”

Chris stopped walking and turned around. “You ready to leave?”

“Yeah…well…no…” Justin stood uncertainly by the sofa. “I know I’m a pain to live with…Lance always said so…he said I was messy and irresponsible…”

“Well, Lance didn’t know everything,” Chris snapped before he thought. Justin flopped back down on the sofa and Chris mentally kicked himself. Darkening Lance’s precious memory was the LAST thing he needed to do to get Justin to stay. “I’m gonna shower.” Chris went into the shower and pounded his head on the wall.

When he came out, Justin was asleep on the sofa. Chris turned off the TV and tucked a blanket around Justin’s sleeping form. He watched him for a moment, unable to help himself. He was so beautiful, and still so lost. Chris didn’t know what else he could do for Justin…and he knew it was time to just let him go. He knelt by the sofa, watching Justin’s eyelids flutter as he dreamed. Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on Justin’s soft cheek. Chris ran a thumb over Justin’s red lips, then made himself get up and go to bed. Justin had changed the sheets, but Chris still imagined he could smell Justin on them. He buried himself in the pillows and blankets and finally fell into a fitful sleep.

A few days later, Chris handed Justin an envelope. “Here, Timberlake,” he said, grinning. After a lot of late-night talks, Chris had found out Justin’s last name, among some other information. “I think you should look into this.”

“Classes?” Justin frowned, flipping through the information.

“For your diploma. Then you can get out of this hellhole and find a REAL job. You’re better then all this.”

“Hey…I resent that!” Josh said from across the room. “Aren’t I better than all this, too?”

“You’re full of yourself,” Chris called back, smiling to soften his words. “I thought I could drive you down on those nights…leave Josh in charge…” Chris frowned at the disappointed look on Justin’s face. “I mean…you don’t have to…it’s your life…I just thought it might be time for you to move on…move up.”

“Thanks, Chris. I’ll read these tonight.” Justin shoved the envelope in the back pocket of his jeans, and continued to set up tables. Chris sighed and went back to prepare for the dinner rush, a little upset that his gift was not taken well.

He was back in the storeroom pulling out beef from the freezer when Josh poked his head in the room. “Dude…someone’s out here asking for you.”

“Who’d you piss off now?” Chris said, rolling his eyes. Josh gave him a pissy glare.

“No, they don’t want the owner, they want you. Asked for you by name.”

“Okay.” Chris brushed off his hands and came out into the dining room. His face went white as he saw who was sitting at the counter. The man hadn’t seen him yet, so Chris made an abrupt about-face and went back into the stockroom. He tore off his apron, running his hands through his short dark hair. He damned himself for not trimming the goatee as he quickly washed his hands and arms in the small sink. “Fuck,” he muttered.

“Chris?” Justin put a hand on his shoulder and he jumped. “I saw you run back here. You okay?”

“Fine…go back out there, Justin. There’s a lot you can do before you leave.”

“Okay.” Justin was hurt by Chris’ tone, but he did as he was told. Chris took a deep breath and walked out again.

“I hear you were asking for me?”

A pair of brown eyes laughed as the bright smile beamed. “Yes I sure did. Hey, Chris.”

“Hello, Howie.” Chris allowed Howie to hug him, and over his shoulder he saw Justin’s mouth drop open. Obviously he had overheard the name. “What brings you down here?”

“I was hungry for something good.” Howie’s eyes ran over Chris. “And there was always something good here.” The hunger for “something good” was obvious in Howie’s eyes and tone, and Chris almost shivered, longing running through his veins. It had been SO long.

“What can I get you?” Chris made himself go behind the counter.

“Something special?” Howie asked softly. Chris nodded and turned to the grill. “How are things going? I see business picked up.”

“Yeah…it’s been real good,” Chris said, cursing in his mind. Dammit, Kirkpatrick, do NOT let him play you. Do NOT fall for the chocolate eyes and special smile, that smile that he smiled just for you. Just because you’re horny for Justin, does NOT mean that you need to let Howie fuck with you.

“I’m glad,” Howie said, and his tone was sincere. Chris placed a plate in front of him. “So…do you have a break so we could talk? Maybe go upstairs?”

Justin froze nearby, and Chris could tell he was listening to the conversation. Justin’s blue eyes slowly met Chris’ gaze, and Chris couldn’t read the emotions behind them. “I’d like to talk, sure, but…uh…not upstairs. One of the guys is in between apartments right now, and he’s staying with me.”

Howie looked over his shoulder at Justin, quickly dismissing him. “Oh, I see. Okay…well…how about we just walk for a bit?”

“Can’t we talk here?” Chris said finally, and he saw a strange light in Justin’s eyes. “Anything you have to say to me, you can say here.”

“I didn’t want to…talk…exactly,” Howie whispered, frowning.

“Well, I don’t want to talk, either, Howie. Actually, I have nothing to say to you. And I really don’t want to hear what you have to say to me. I haven’t heard from you in three years, so I’m thinking you don’t actually HAVE anything to say.” Chris stared Howie in the eye.

“Whatever.” Howie threw down some money and stalked out of the deli. Justin went back to his work, but Chris saw a curious grin cross his handsome features.

“Chris?”

Chris rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock. It was after midnight. “Yeah, Justin, what’s up?”

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure.” Chris sat up, but Justin came to lay down next to him on the bed. Chris thanked God that he was under the covers and Justin was on top.

“When that guy…Howie…when he left…did you think you did something wrong?”

“GOD, yes. I sat for days running through things in my mind. Did I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, did I give him too much, did I not give him enough. I questioned myself a hundred times.”

“Did you ever feel like killing yourself?”

“Yes,” Chris said honestly. “At the beginning. I thought I couldn’t survive without him, so I thought about it. Then I realized his skank cheating ass wasn’t worth it.” Chris reached over and turned on a light so he could see Justin’s face. “What’s going on?”

“I…I still don’t know why he left me, Chris.” Justin’s face was a mask of misery. “I got the job so we could eat, you know? I wanted us to have SOMETHING so he could feel okay about going out to find us jobs…find me somewhere to sing…I did it for HIM…and that’s why he did it.” Justin began to sob. “I killed him…and I don’t know what to do now…it’s not getting any better…”

“Justin, no.” Chris had Justin in a hug before he could stop himself. “It is NOT your fault…he wasn’t strong enough to go on, apparently.”

“He WAS strong,” Justin insisted. Chris sighed and pulled back, holding Justin’s face so he HAD to look at him.

“Listen to me, Justin. I’m sure Lance was a wonderful man. He obviously loved you and thought the world of you. I’m sure he was loving and caring and smart and wonderful. But he wasn’t perfect. He couldn’t handle the failure, and THAT’S why he did it. It was the chicken’s way out, Justin. He didn’t even THINK about how much you would hurt. He thought he was helping you…but he only hurt you.”

“He wasn’t a chicken!” Justin cried. “He was wonderful…he was everything…and now he’s gone…” Justin cried on Chris’ shoulder.

“Justin, it’s not your fault,” Chris said gently, running a hand over Justin’s soft curls. “And don’t you think he’d want you to move on? He’s the one that told you to get out of the water and come find me, remember? If he didn’t want you to keep going, he would have told you to stay in the water until you joined him.” The thought pained Chris, but he had to say it.

“I have nobody…no one,” Justin said softly. Chris lightly pinched him.

“Liar…you do, too. Josh really likes you, and Joey loves you like a brother. And you have me. I’ll always be here for you. Even when you’re a famous singer, I’ll be here waiting to make you club sandwiches.”

Justin sniffed. “I’m glad you told that guy to take a hike…he’s an asshole. I wanted to punch him. If you could have seen your face when you saw him at the counter…the hurt was there all over again…I wanted to kick his ass.”

Chris hugged Justin tight. “Thank you…for caring.”

“Thank you for caring,” Justin repeated, sitting up. He wiped his eyes.

“Don’t kill yourself, please,” Chris said softly. “Don’t even think about it. There’s too much here for you.” Chris’ voice was pleading. There was so much more he wanted to say, but he didn’t. He placed a hand on Justin’s knee. “Please.”

Justin nodded, deep in thought. He got up and started for the door. “The ones you love the most always seem to hurt you, don’t they? They hurt you, and then they leave.” Justin closed the door behind him.

Three weeks later

“Chris, trust me. I’ll take good care of the kid. God, you act like his dad or something.” Joey winked at Chris, who glared back. Leave it to Joey to remind him yet AGAIN that he was way too old for Justin.

Justin practically bounced up and down in his eagerness to leave. “He’s just taking me to sign up for those courses, Chris. I’ll be fine.”

Chris frowned. One of his largest worries was that Alex would send some kind of loser thug to hunt Justin down. He was pretty sure that by now Alex had forgotten all about Justin…but you could never be sure, and if anyone hurt one precious curl on his boy’s head, he would kill him. “You two boys have a good time, behave yourselves,” Chris replied in his best fatherly tone. Justin rolled his eyes and Joey smiled.

“I’ll take good care of him, Dad.” Joey kissed Chris’ cheek, and Chris groaned.

“Euww.” He made a great show of wiping it off.

“Later, gator.” Joey led the way out of the deli, Justin waving over his shoulder. Chris sighed and began to empty the cheese case so he could clean it. HE wanted to be the one taking Justin down to sign up for classes. He still felt a great responsibility for Justin, even though they lived together as friends and nothing more.

“Chris?”

“What?” Chris snapped, poking his head up to glare at Josh. It was Josh’s day off, and he had stopped by to pick up his paycheck.

“Justin told you that he and I are going to a game Friday night, right?”

“A game?” Chris’ blank look told Josh that no, Justin had NOT mentioned it.

“Yeah…we’re going to a basketball game. We’ve been saving for a while for tickets…I loaned him what he couldn’t cover.”

Chris frowned. Justin could have asked HIM for money. “Oh…okay…have a great time.”

“So, we can both have off that night?”

Chris sighed. He had hired a new employee, a young cheerful man named Brian, but he had only been training for a few days. “Yeah, you two have fun.”

Josh’s face exploded in smiles. “That is so cool! Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Josh hurried out the front door. Chris leaned on the cheese case and sighed again. Justin was out with Joey. Justin was going to a game with Josh. Why didn’t Justin ever hang out with him like that? Chris was too nervous to ask him to go anywhere or do anything. Justin knew he was gay, and Chris was still afraid that Justin would think he, Chris, was putting the moves on him. Of course all Chris wanted to do sometimes was put a move on him, but it was more than that. He loved Justin…and sometimes he came SO close to telling him, but he didn’t want to break the wonderful friendship that was forming between them. He’d just have to deal with it.

“I could become a hermit,” Chris said softly to himself. “One of those creepy guys who lives on the corner, and he has like thirty-seven cats and he names them all and calls him his babies and shit…” Chris shuddered. “Man, I AM going crazy.” He went back to cleaning his cheese case.

“Chris!” Justin almost shouted as he came into the deli with Joey on his heels. “Chris…Chris, guess what!”

“What?” Chris smiled, then turned back to the customer who was paying. “Thank you, ma’am. You have a great day.”

“Yes, ma’am, have a FANTASTIC day!” Justin told her joyfully. The woman giggled as she walked past.

“What’s going on?” Chris asked slowly. Justin was purely beaming, and Joey looked like the cat that had swallowed the canary.

“Chris…ohmyGod…if Lance was here he would be SO proud,” Justin gushed, and Chris’ heart fell about fifteen feet into the floor. “We didn’t go down to that school…we went to Joey’s office, cuz some record guys were coming in, and he made me sing and they liked it! They’re willing to pay for me to take voice lessons…and I’m supposed to come back in a month…and maybe they’ll sign me! Maybe I’ll get to sing! Like for real!” Justin’s eyes were huge. “Can you believe it, Chris? Me! Singing on the radio…maybe even making a video…” Justin’s eyes drifted into space, seeing the future rapidly approaching. “I could win a Grammy.”

“Hold on there,” Joey said, laughing. “Let’s start with lessons. He’ll need to have every Tuesday and Thursday morning off, Chris. That okay?”

“Yeah…whatever,” Chris said. Justin stared at him. “Basketball games, voice lessons, whatever you want, Justin.”

“Hi,” Brian said shyly, coming in through the back door.

“Hey, Bri,” Justin said, smiling in a friendly way.

“Brian, can you watch here for one second?” Brian nodded and Chris darted to the small bathroom in the back. He closed the door and leaned against it, trying to still his crazy heartbeat. Justin was going to be a star, just like he had always wanted. The poor boy who had been living under a bridge without a penny to his name…he was going to be a star. Lance’s dreams would finally be fulfilled…and Chris would still be behind the counter of a deli, alone again.

The month passed quickly, with Justin working in the evenings and going to his voice lessons twice a week. Joey gushed about his voice, going on and on about how Justin was going to get him a promotion. Chris listened with a polite smile on his face, but it was tearing him up inside. He knew it was for the best. Justin would move out, work hard on making a name for himself, and then he, Chris, wouldn’t have to know about it. He wouldn’t have the constant reminder of how much he loved and wanted Justin, and how much it would never happen.

“Dude, why are you always down here?” Josh asked one morning when Justin came in just before lunch. “You’re not scheduled until four. Go somewhere nice…not this crappy neighborhood.”

“Well…I have things to do down here,” Justin hedged, glancing at Chris and slightly shaking his head at Josh.

“Oh…whatever,” Josh shrugged. Justin sat down at a table and chatted with Josh as he got things ready to open. Chris went back to the storeroom to see what they needed, frowning. Now they couldn’t even talk in front of him?

He started back with his arms full of salami, but froze in the doorway as he heard Justin’s voice. “I go down under the bridge. I have friends there. And then I go down around Fortieth Street.”

“Fortieth Street? Justin, do you KNOW what kind of stuff happens down there?” Josh gasped. Chris heard the scrape of a chair and knew Josh had joined Justin at the table.

“Yeah…I know real well…I used to do it, too.”

“Justin, you…you were a…you did…”

“Not EVERYTHING. I took money and all for what I did, but I didn’t get fucked or anything.”

“Jesus.” Josh paused. “So you’re um…”

“Gay? Yeah…gotta problem with it?”

“No, of course not. I mean, Chris is, so…well…you knew that, right?”

“Yeah, I knew it. I’ve known it for a while.” Chris swallowed deeply at the casual yet emotionless tone of Justin’s voice. “Anyway, I go down there and give money to some of my friends…try to get them out of that shit.” Chris wanted to go into the dining room and kick Justin’s cute ass. Here he was, worried that Alex would come after Justin, when Justin was walking right into the lion’s den on a regular basis.

“But now you’re not part of that anymore,” Josh reminded him. “You’re gonna make it.”

“Yeah…I hope so,” Justin said, and he almost sounded sad.

“Do you have a…um…a boyfriend?”

“No…I did once…but he died,” Justin said curtly. “I kinda like someone though…a lot…I guess I love them. He’s done so much for me…and it’s because of him that I even got this singing thing going.”

Chris moved out of earshot, his face burning. Fuck. Justin was in love with Joey.

“Hey there, Chrissy.” Joey walked into the apartment without knocking. “Where’s the kid?”

“Out at a club with Josh,” Chris said quietly. “Josh knows the bouncer and got him in.”

“Cool.” Joey flopped onto Chris’ sofa and picked up the remote. “Anything good on?”

“You know he’s in love with you, right?” Chris asked in a dull tone. Joey dropped the remote onto the floor.

“Who? Josh?”

“No, dumbass…Justin. Of COURSE he is. He loses his one love, the one who wanted to get him a deal, and now he finds a new one to take his place.” Chris eyed Joey, and his friend realized he had been drinking. A lot. “I don’t see why. I mean, I guess your smile’s nice, but your ass is kinda big.”

“Hey,” Joey said, insulted. “Watch it.”

“You can give him everything…so he loves you…you’re a nice guy, I guess,” Chris continued to ramble. Joey inched closer and put his hand on Chris’ shoulder.

“Chris, Justin doesn’t love me, okay? I’m like a big brother or something. Trust me…he isn’t interested. Besides, he knows I’m straight. Not even an issue.”

“I need you to take him away, Joey,” Chris said, tears in his eye. “Loan him money for an apartment, hell, let him stay with you…I can’t take it anymore.” He stood. “I need to get to bed.”

“Chris, wait…are you sure…” Joey began. He was interrupted by the door opening.

“Hey, Joe!” Justin said cheerfully.

“I thought you were at a club,” Joey said, keeping one eye on Chris.

“Yeah…but it was lame so I came home early.” Justin looked from Chris to Joey. “What’s going on?”

“You’re moving out,” Chris told him, making himself ignore the pain that flashed through Justin’s blue eyes.

“I’m what?”

“I’m kicking you out. I need my space. Go live somewhere else.” Chris turned and went to the bedroom.

“Chris?” Justin’s voice was strangled.

“C’mon, kid. You can crash with me tonight,” Joey said gently. “Grab your stuff.”

“What did I do?” Chris heard Justin ask before the bedroom door closed behind him.

The next few days were hell for Chris. He felt so miserable he almost called in sick to his own place of business. Seeing Justin made him ache, and seeing Joey, who would drive Justin to and from work, made Chris want to punch something. Josh wandered through the drama, lost in the confusion but knowing better than to say anything.

Justin was the worst. He had reverted to the quiet shy boy Chris had first met that rainy night, and he hardly spoke to anyone, even Josh. Least of all Chris. Chris felt it was for the best. As soon as this record thing took off, Justin could quit the deli and go do something spectacular with his life, the way his Lance had wanted it. And someday Chris would hear Justin on the radio and remember the song he had sang just for him one night in the deli.

“Hey.” Joey leaned on the counter, his dark eyes stormy. Chris looked up, startled. He hadn’t even noticed Joey come in.

“Hello.” Chris busied himself with washing the counter.

“Where is he?”

“Who?”

“The kid. Justin. He hasn’t been to voice lessons in a week.”

Chris’ mouth fell open and he stared at Joey. “He WHAT?”

“Yeah…he takes the subway from my place, you know…and the teacher called and said that he didn’t show up last Thursday and he didn’t show up today.”

“Holy shit.”

“You need to talk to him, Chris. At least tell him SOMETHING. He’s miserable and we both know it.”

“But…”

Joey put a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “Dude…he is NOT in love with me. For the last fucking time. He does NOT want me. Go find him.”

“I don’t know where to look,” Chris whispered, suddenly ashamed.

“I know where he is,” Josh said softly, and they both turned to stare at him.

Chris knew the city like the back of his hand, yet he had never known that the tiny graveyard existed. It was tucked away in a dark section of town where the grass barely struggled to survive. Here lay the less than fortunate, the children of the city that didn’t know they existed, and didn’t really care. Here lay the runaways, the drug dealers, the criminals, anyone without a family to take care of the burial rites. A charity organizations ran the small plot, and they tried their best to keep up with the maintenance. When Chris rounded a corner, his breath puffing into the cold air, he saw a curly head bent over a small headstone, pulling dead grass from around its edges.

His shoes crunched on the grass. They had had a few days of warmer weather, and the snow was almost gone. Today, however, it was cold, and the sky was grey. Justin turned his head, gave Chris an empty look, then turned back to his work. Chris stood behind him, reading the inscription on the tombstone. James Lance Bass, 1979-2000.

“Josh told me where to find you,” he said finally. “Don’t be mad at him.”

“Today is my birthday,” Justin said quietly. “My twentieth birthday.”

“Really? I didn’t know. Um…happy birthday,” Chris said, feeling like an idiot.

“He always said I’d be singing somewhere by the time I turned twenty. I’m not yet, but I guess I’m on my way.”

“You’ve been skipping lessons.”

“Just last time and today. Today I needed to be here.”

“Last time?”

“I was having a hard time dealing with…” Justin paused, finally looking up at Chris. “You hating me is really hard.”

“Hating you?” Chris gasped. “God, Justin, I don’t hate you.”

Justin slowly got to his feet. “Then why did you kick me out?”

“Because you…you and Joey…you…” Chris stuttered.

“Me and Joey?” Justin gave him a blank look, then his eyes widened. “I don’t like Joey! I mean, I LIKE him, like he’s my brother and he’s been incredible with this whole singing thing…but that’s all.”

“But you said…” Chris clamped down, biting his lip.

“I said what?” Justin tilted his head, looking at Chris curiously.

“You said to Josh that you were in love with someone who has done a lot for you…and that got the singing thing going for you. Isn’t that Joey?”

“No, you dumbass!” Justin almost shouted. “It’s YOU.”

“Me?” Chris felt weak in the knees. “Me?”

“Yes, you! Who took me in and fed me when it was raining and cold? Who saved my fucking LIFE when I was freezing to damn death? Who told me I was special and that I could sing? YOU!”

“But…I…you…” Chris stared at Justin incredulously. “But you’re you…and you’re young and beautiful and I’m old and…”

“No…you’re wonderful,” Justin said softly, tears jumping into his eyes. “I had this dream a few weeks ago…when it was hurting so bad because I missed Lance and I was falling for you and felt guilty. And in this dream Lance came and said that I shouldn’t feel that way because he had sent me to you in the first place…that night in the river. I know I’m young and stupid and have NO money and NO home and nothing…but I love you. And I’m sorry.” Justin’s blue eyes were miserable. “I’m just a stupid street whore who…”

“NO.” Chris stepped in front of Justin, grabbing him by the arm. “You’re not that. You’re not a whore and you’re not stupid. God…Justin…I’ve been in love with you from like the first time I saw you…but I never said anything because I was afraid to hurt you…afraid you’d think I was just after you for sex or something…and I’m so much older than you.”

“Will you stop bringing that up?” A grin finally crossed Justin’s face. “If you keep babbling like that, I WILL think you’re old and decrepit.”

They smiled at each other foolishly. “Come back with me,” Chris said finally. “We need to talk about this.”

“Okay.” Justin looked down at the tombstone. He kissed his fingers then touched the stone before following Chris.

“Oh, thank God,” Josh said as Chris and Justin entered the deli. Chris was shocked to see Joey in front of the grill, a dirty apron covering his expensive suit. “This place has been crazy.”

Justin and Chris looked at each other. Their talk would have to wait. “Get back there,” Justin said, nodding towards Joey. “I’ll do dishes while Josh runs register and clears the tables.”

“First, go call Mr. Richardson and grovel about missing your lessons,” Chris said, grabbing an apron and going behind the counter.

“Oh…yeah…” Justin ran up the steps two at a time.

“Joe, you are a damn lifesaver,” Chris said. “Your office is gonna kill me.”

“As much money as Justin is gonna make us…they’ll be kissing my toes.” Joey expertly slid steak and onions onto a roll. “But you’re paying to dry clean this suit.” He glanced at Chris. “Everything okay?”

“We need to talk, but yeah. Everything’s great.” Chris could not keep from smiling. “He loves me. He said he loves me.”

“Well, duh, even I could see that…” Joey said, and Chris smacked him.

“It’s Justin’s birthday today…we should do something.”

“Yeah,” Joey said thoughtfully. “Lemme think. I’ll come up with something.”

“Have a good day!” Chris waved cheerfully as the last of the lunch rush left the deli. He flipped the closed sign over and Justin stared at him.

“What are you doing? It’s only two-thirty!”

“I always close the place on special occasions.” Chris looked at Joey and Justin. “Seven-thirty?”

“Sounds good,” Joey said. “Later, boys. Behave.”

“Joey!” Chris yelled. Joey chuckled as he darted by Chris and headed out the door.

“Hey…I’m glad you guys are talking again,” Josh said. “This place was hell.”

“Me too,” Justin said, smiling shyly at Chris.

“See you guys in a bit.” Josh left, Justin looking after him in confusion.

“C’mon. Let’s clean this place up quick.” Chris tossed Justin a broom and he began to sweep.

Clean up only took about forty minutes, and they were soon trudging up the steps. Justin looked at Chris. “I…I miss living with you,” he said finally. “Joey’s nice…but he’s a slob! And he always has these girls coming over. I mean, I have my own room…but he’s noisy.”

Chris cracked up. “Okay, that was way too much information. I don’t have the spare bedroom for you…but you’re welcome to move back here.”

“I thought…”

“Justin, I don’t want to rush things. We need to talk. You’re welcome to the sofa…I just think that’s best for now.” Chris couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth. He wanted NOTHING more then to keep Justin practically CHAINED to his bed, but he knew it was too soon.

“Okay,” Justin said softly. “I guess I’ll shower quick.”

“Okay…some of your clothes are still in those boxes there.” Chris pointed to a stack of boxes in a corner of the living room.

“Cool.” Justin grabbed some towels from the hall closet and headed for the bathroom. Chris sighed, flopping down onto the sofa. The day had been crazy, but he hadn’t felt this good in ages. He wasn’t sure what would happen next, but things could only get better.

Justin was in and out of the shower in about fifteen minutes. He padded out of the bathroom to paw through the boxes, looking for a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Chris swallowed weakly. Justin was only in a towel, droplets of water dancing down from his curls to trail down his spine. Relax, Chris told himself, closing his eyes. Relax and think non-horny thoughts. Think of Joey…yeah…he’s about as big a turnoff as you could get…

“You okay?” Justin asked. Chris opened his eyes and saw Justin peering over him anxiously.

“I…uh…” Chris’ brown eyes ran down Justin’s bare chest, stopping at the top of the towel. Justin blushed.

“Sorry. I’ll…I’ll get dressed.” Justin darted into the bedroom and closed the door. Chris made himself get up and go take a cold shower.

Chris pulled on an old pair of sweats, not even bothering with a shirt. He knew he was nothing to look at, anyway. Not compared to Justin. When he entered the living room, Justin was on the sofa, flipping through a magazine. He smiled as Chris walked over to sit down, and his eyes wandered over Chris the way Chris had looked at him.

“So…” Chris said nervously.

“So…” Justin repeated, then laughed. “You look petrified.”

“I know…I just…I think you’re making a mistake,” he began, and Justin’s mouth fell open. “Well, I do. I’m old…and just some dumb guy who owns a deli. You’re gonna be huge someday and…”

“And I want you there with me when I am,” Justin said softly, scooting over to sit closer. “Chris, you need to stop with this old thing. Sure, I could find some kid my age…but he wouldn’t be you…he wouldn’t have taken me in, saved my life, gave me a chance. He wouldn’t be handsome and funny as hell and have gorgeous brown eyes…he wouldn’t be you.”

“You really think all that about me?” Chris said in awe. Justin nodded. “Well, maybe you just feel grateful or something. Maybe you…”

Chris was silenced by Justin’s hand on his chest and Justin’s lips on his. He whimpered, then kissed Justin back, amazed by how soft Justin’s lips were. Justin’s smooth hand slid up to run through Chris short hair as Justin’s tongue flickered out to gain entrance. Chris sighed, totally giving in to the kiss. “What?” Justin murmured when he allowed Chris up for air.

“I thought I was older and in charge,” Chris finally said, and Justin grinned.

“If I was gonna wait for you to make the first move, I’d be as old as you are,” he teased playfully. “Besides, I’m the experienced one, remember?” His eyes darkened.

“God, Justin, stop with that, okay? If that mattered to me, I would say something.” Chris stroked Justin’s cheek with the back of his hand. “You did what you had to do.”

“I never kissed them. Never like that. Never with all of me. And the rest of me…that was for love. That was something I have only ever given to one person…to Lance…and now I want to give it to you.” Justin’s tongue flickered over the earring in Chris’ ear.

“Oh, GOD this is torture,” Chris moaned, falling back against the cushions of the sofa.

“Hmmm?” Justin nibbled down Chris’ neck.

“I told myself we should take it slow…I wanna prove I want you for more than this…but damn you’re making it hard…”

“I see,” Justin said, letting his hand teasingly brush over Chris’ sweatpants before moving back. “But you’re right. I don’t want you to think I’m some easy kid from the streets.”

“I don’t think that,” Chris said softly. Justin sighed happily, moving to lay down against Chris, his head on Chris’ chest.

“Finally…I can be honest about this. It was killing me. I felt so bad…wanting to be with you and yet feeling guilty.”

“Tell me about Lance,” Chris said gently.

“You really want to hear about him?” Justin asked, surprised.

“He sounds like someone special, and he’s special to you.”

“I’m over that…you know…I love you now. He’ll always be my first love…but it’s different now.”

Chris knew it would take more than that, but he didn’t say it. “Just tell me.”

“He had these green eyes…they were amazing…really light, you know? And this crooked smile, like there was some private joke he knew about and refused to tell you,” Justin said slowly. “He had this really low voice…I teased him and said he should do phone sex for one of those hotlines. And he was smart, Chris, smart like you and Joey. Business smart. One of the hardest things I had to do was learn to take care of myself, because Lance always took care of me.” Chris felt Justin start to sob, and he held him close. “I lied to you about something.”

“What, baby?” Chris whispered.

“He didn’t take sleeping pills. We didn’t even have money for that. We were past due with rent on our room…we were broke. He popped the blade out of his razor and slit his wrists.”

“Oh my God.” Chris buried his face in Justin’s curls, imagining what Justin had seen that day.

“Blood was everywhere. I grabbed towels, wrapped them around his wrist…but he had been gone too long. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” Justin cried in Chris’ arms. “That’s one of the reasons I was afraid to love you…you were the first good thing in my life and what if you went away, too?”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Chris whispered. “YOU are. You’re going up and up and up…and you’ll sing like an angel and Lance will hear you and he’ll smile down from heaven.”

“I hate him,” Justin said fiercely. “Sometimes I really hate him for leaving me.”

“It’s okay for you to hate him,” Chris said gently. “It’s okay.”

“But I love him, too.”

“That’s okay, too,” Chris said, trying not to sigh. He brushed his hand through Justin’s curls.

“But not like I love you,” Justin said, and Chris froze. “You’re so wonderful, Chris. And did you really love me the first time you saw me?” He sounded like an eager child and Chris laughed.

“Yeah, I guess I did. You looked so sad and hungry and wet…and I just wanted to hug you. Then I got to know more about you…saw the charm and the talent and the pride…God…you were so damn proud. I thought I was gonna have to put those clothes on you myself to get you to take them. And I KNEW, knew for sure that it wasn’t just some weird attraction thing, the night you fell in the river. I was never so scared in my whole life.”

“I’m sorry…” Justin whispered.

“Not your fault, klutz,” Chris said cheerfully, and Justin giggled. The younger man sat up, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“So…I guess I should call Joey and ask him to bring my stuff over?”

“No…he’s coming over anyway. And Josh should be here in about fifteen minutes,” Chris said.

“Why?”

“Josh is taking you shopping for a snazzy new outfit and the four of us are going to La Bella for dinner.”

“La Bella?” Justin’s mouth fell open. “Chris, that’s the most expensive restaurant in the city! We can’t go there.”

“Oh, yes we can.” Chris watched Justin carefully. “And don’t give me the whole thing that you’re not good enough to eat there. I see that in your eyes. It’s your birthday and I love you and we’re going there.”

“Wow,” Justin said in awe.

“And then we’re going out…there’s a new club that opened and Joey knows the owner and we’re getting you in.”

“This is the best birthday ever.” Justin hugged himself, then hugged Chris. He looked down at Chris before giving him a sweet kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Um…is there something I should know about here?” Josh said weakly, covering his eyes as he walked into the room. Chris chuckled.

“Oh yeah…and while you’re shopping, let Josh in on a few things, would you?”

A few weeks passed and Justin was so busy Chris hardly saw him. He was going to the voice teacher every day to prepare for his meeting with Joey’s company, and in his off time he was always practicing. Running his voice up and down scales, singing in the shower, practically singing in his sleep. One night Chris woke up to find Justin sitting on the edge of his bed, quietly singing as he stroked Chris’ hair.

“What are you doing here?” Chris asked drowsily, not that he minded.

“You had a nightmare,” Justin said softly, smiling as he reached over to turn on the light. “You okay?”

Chris blinked against the light. “Um, yeah. I didn’t even realize I was having one.” He looked at Justin, who blushed slightly. “I like when you sing. How about you sing me to sleep every night?”

“It might strain my voice, yelling from the living room,” Justin said, frowning.

“No…I want you to sleep here…with me…” Chris blurted out, then kicked himself. Things were going so good. They talked, they kissed, they touched on occasion, but they were both so busy that they were usually too tired to try and take it any further. “Um…if you want to…I mean if you don’t I…”

Justin jumped over Chris to the empty side of the bed, snuggling deep under the covers. He peeked over the top of the covers and smiled at Chris. “I thought you’d never ask.”

On the day of his meeting with Joey’s company, Justin was a nervous wreck. He was supposed to run register for a few hours after the deli opened, but he made so many mistakes that Chris sent him back to wash dishes. After the third plate broke, Chris called Brian and got him to come in early and work with he and Josh. “Go upstairs and relax, for God’s sake,” Chris snapped. “You’re doing no good here.”

Justin shot Chris a hurt look and scampered up the steps. Chris sighed, rubbing his temples. “He loves you,” Josh said, and Chris looked up sharply. Josh didn’t say much about the relationship between Justin and Chris. Chris knew Josh didn’t disapprove…he just pretty much ignored everything. “You’re not losing him, if that’s what your temper tantrums lately have been about. God, Chris, I wish I could get a girl to look at me the way Justin looks at you. He needs your support, not your paranoia.”

“Are you majoring in psychology or something?” Chris asked testily, knowing Josh was right. Josh grinned.

“Nah…I just think a lot. Go up and talk to him, okay? Let him know you’re behind him, or he’ll never even freaking GO to the meeting. Me and Brian got things under control here.”

Chris slowly went up the steps, feeling a hundred years old. He heard the water running and figured Justin was in the shower. He glanced at the clock, realizing that Justin had to leave in an hour to catch the bus up to Joey’s office anyway. Joey was planning on taking Justin out to dinner after the meeting. Chris dug through the bedroom closet and pulled out Justin’s suit, the one Josh had helped him pick out the night of his birthday. He smoothed out a few wrinkles and then went to a drawer to pick out one of his ties. “Thanks,” he heard behind him. He turned to see Justin in the doorway, wearing a pair of boxers.

“I thought you might want to borrow it…you know…for luck or something,” Chris mumbled, shrugging. He bent down to pick up Justin’s dress shoes from the closet floor, and when he stood Justin was directly behind him. He froze as he felt Justin’s arm around his waist, and Justin’s head on his back. He felt Justin sigh.

“I can’t do this, Chris. I think I should just stay here…call Joey and cancel…stay and help in the restaurant tonight. They won’t like me anyway.”

Chris whirled around. “Justin Randall Timberlake, don’t you dare. Don’t you DARE chicken out! You’ve come so damn far…you quit now and all your work…all my work…is for nothing. Lance fucking killed himself for NOTHING if you give up now. You were given this gift…God, Justin…use it!” Chris saw Justin pale when he mentioned Lance, but he kept on going. “I didn’t save your gorgeous life just to see you waste it here with me. You’re meant for something better then working in a deli…you need to do this.”

“I wouldn’t be wasting it here with you,” Justin murmured, eyes downcast. “I love you, Chris. I wanna be with you forever.”

Chris’ heart stopped. Justin had said he loved him, but never in that tone, and never while mentioning forever. “Justin…I…”

“Don’t…you’re not too old and you’re not a waste of my time.” Justin put a finger on Chris’ lips. “Chris, I can’t get through this if you’re not behind me. All this time you have been totally depressed whenever I mention the meeting or the audition or anything…if I have to choose between this and you…I’ll choose you.”

“You’re not choosing shit.” Chris pulled Justin into his arms, hugging him fiercely. “I’m behind you one hundred percent…and I’m sorry I’ve been such a prick about it. I’m so afraid of losing you.”

“You’re not losing me,” Justin promised, kissing Chris’ cheeks, his chin, his nose, his forehead. He gave him a sweet kiss on the lips. “You’re stuck with me.”

Chris held him, then pulled back. “Get ready. You should get there early. I’ll be here when you get back…waiting to celebrate.” He kissed Justin’s nose, then left him alone to get ready.

“Josh, you sure you’ll be okay?” Chris asked.

“Chris, we close in an hour. We’ll be fine,” Josh promised, practically shoving Chris out the door. “Go do something. You’ll quit worrying about Justin for five minutes then.”

“Okay…good night, guys.” Chris went out the door and flagged a cab. “Fortieth and Winter Streets, please.” He leaned back against the seat and sighed, his mind racing. Justin wouldn’t be back until late that evening. That gave him plenty of time to find Alex.

“Hey…mister…looking for some company?” A tall boy with brown hair and sad brown eyes smiled at Chris. It was a fake smile, a smile looking for money.

“No…but I am looking for Alex,” Chris said. “You know him?”

“I can be Alex,” the boy purred. He couldn’t have been a day over sixteen or seventeen. “I can be anyone you want.”

“Thanks, but no. I’m looking for Alex…he runs this corner, or so I hear.”

The boy shut down. “Sorry…don’t know him. Try down the street.” The boy turned and walked to an idling car. “Hey, looking for some company?” Chris heard him say.

Chris shivered, trying to imagine his sweet Justin in this situation. It was an awful thought. Chris squared his shoulder and walked down a block or two. He asked six different boys, getting the same reaction from each of them once they realized he wasn’t going to be giving them any money. “Hey. You looking for Alex?”

Chris turned to see a large man of Hispanic descent standing behind him. His voice was lightly accented. “Um…well…yeah.”

“What you want him for?”

“I need to talk to him about a friend of mine who used to work for him.”

“This way.” The man led the way down a back alley, and Chris uneasily followed. He led him through the back door of a dingy restaurant, around through the kitchen, and up some steps. “You wait here,” he said, motioning to a folding chair. Chris sat, nervously tapping his feet on the floor. About five minutes later, the man returned. “He’ll see you.”

Chris went through the door and down a short hallway, heading for the only open door. He paused in the doorway, looking around. The room was furnished well, with luxurious chairs and sofas, and a large entertainment system along one wall. A man stood up from the sofa. “I hear you’re inquiring about me?” The voice was low, gravelly.

“Are you Alex?”

“Depends.” The man walked over, his movements catlike. His dark eyes inspected Chris. “You looking for work?” A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Chris shook his head.

“No. I’m here to discuss a former employee of yours. Justin.”

“Justin?” Alex pretended to think. “I know a lot of boys…what makes you think he worked for me?”

“Because he told me he did…and because I saw him down here one day.”

Alex eyed Chris once more. “You don’t LOOK like the cops.”

Chris handed him a Polaroid picture, taken the night of Justin’s birthday. “That’s him.” He pointed to Justin, seated between Joey and himself.

“Yeah…I know him.” Alex pointed to Josh. “He’s a cutie. Haven’t seen HIM down here before.”

Chris controlled the shiver that went down his spine and pocketed the picture. “He’s not the issue here. Justin is. He’s very special to me…and I want to make sure you won’t cause any trouble for him in the future.”

Alex looked sincerely surprised. “Why would I do that?”

“He told me once that you might come around looking for him when he stopped working for you…I wanted to make sure he was safe.”

Alex gave Chris a deep look. “You love him or something?” Chris nodded and Alex grinned. “How sweet. Well…he WAS a great loss. I mean, I liked him. He was good. Wouldn’t fuck…but he gave great head, or so I hear. That true?” Chris blushed and said nothing. Alex chuckled. “So either it’s true, or you don’t know if it’s true. Whatever. Anyway…I’m good to my boys. They don’t get hurt by me…that doesn’t get me any dough if they’re bruised up and shit.”

“He did say that,” Chris remembered. “Look…I don’t have a lot of money…but I can find some, if that’s what it takes. Justin’s about to really make something of himself, and I don’t want anything coming out about him that could hurt him.”

“I don’t want your money, dude.” Alex held up his hands. “He’s already forgotten. I got me another young cutie…someone already took your boy’s place.” Alex nodded to the boy sleeping on his sofa. He was about nineteen, with dirty blond hair and full red lips. “Name’s Aaron. Isn’t he something?”

“Whatever,” Chris sighed. “So…you’ll leave Justin alone?”

“Yeah…I’m not a monster,” Alex said defensively. Chris shook his head, wondering how the hell he had gotten himself into this situation. “Rick can show you out.”

The large man who had led Chris in led him back out again. Chris brushed by him and hurried out to catch a taxi. He couldn’t believe he had attempted to bribe a pimp.

“Chris? Chris!” Justin yelled. The apartment seemed empty, but Chris had promised he’d be there waiting. It was almost midnight. He heard water running and knocked on the bathroom door. “Chris?”

Chris, who was in the middle of his third shower of the night, jumped at the sound of Justin’s voice. “Be right there!” Chris yelled. He quickly rinsed the shampoo from his hair. If anything, he loved Justin more after seeing everything he had seen that night. He couldn’t seem to wash the grime and darkness from his body and mind. He saw the boy, Aaron, blissfully asleep on Alex’s couch. He had spent the last hour wondering if Justin had ever slept on Alex’s couch…wondered if Alex had ever had Justin. He shook his head as he stepped out of the shower. Justin had told him that he had only ever been with Lance that way, and Chris believed him.

“Well?” Chris yelled as he dried off. “Tell me!”

The door burst open and Justin hugged him, ignoring the fact that Chris was soaking wet and naked and spotting the front of his only suit with water. “OhmyGod…Chris…they loved it. We went to this huge office, okay, and they talked to me for like EVER, I was like, am I gonna sing or what…and then they go, well, let’s hear you sing. So I sang…this R&B song Mr. Richardson had me perform, and they LOVED it. They’re drawing up a contract now, one of the guys from Joey’s office is gonna represent me…and I have a deal.” Justin stopped to catch his breath, his blue eyes huge. “I have a record deal. I’m cutting an album…ohmyGod.” He sat down on the toilet as the realization hit him. “Chris…”

“That’s great, Justin. I knew you could do it.” Chris kissed the top of Justin’s head and went to get dressed. Justin followed like a puppy.

“I couldn’t do this without you, Chris. I owe you so much.”

“You owe me nothing. It’s all you, baby,” Chris said with a smile, pulling a tshirt over his head.

“What’s wrong?” Justin took off his jacket and hung it over a chair.

“Nothing, why?”

“Chris, I know you. I know when you’re upset about something.” Justin’s blue eyes were concerned. “This isn’t still about me leaving you, is it?”

“No…I just…I just feel sorry for you,” Chris blurted.

“Huh?”

“I…well…I went downtown tonight…I talked to Alex.”

“You WHAT?” Justin screamed, staring at Chris incredulously. “Are you fucking CRAZY, Chris? Do you know what it’s like down there?”

“I do now,” Chris mumbled, sitting down and pulling on some sweatpants. Justin glared at him furiously.

“That was so stupid…so STUPID, Chris. They could kill you down there. Kill you, rob you, rape you…God…what the hell did you do that for?”

Chris had never seen Justin angry, and he hoped he never would again. Suddenly he felt like HE was the young man and Justin was the thirty year old. “Well…I wanted to convince him not to bother you again…you’ll be famous soon and they’ll be coming out of the woodwork, telling stories about you.”

“Chris, we could have dealt with it then,” Justin snapped. “He could have killed you. Anyone could have jumped you down there. And then where would I be, huh?” Justin surprised Chris by bursting into tears. “Alone again…lost again…just like with Lance…”

“Oh, God…Justin…” Chris jumped up to hold Justin, who initially fought but then relaxed. “I wanted to protect your future.”

“OUR future,” Justin sniffled.

“I didn’t even think about being safe…all I thought about was you. I wanted to make sure he could never touch my boy again.” Chris stroked Justin’s back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Yes, you should have. No secrets, Chris,” Justin sniffled. He heaved a huge sigh. “What happened?”

“I think he thought it was cute. I amused him. Ends up you were quickly replaced. He said he won’t come after you, won’t bother you, but…”

“He won’t,” Justin said firmly. “As odd as it seems, Alex is a man of his word.”

“Did you…did he…” Chris stumbled for words.

“Me and Alex? Hell, no…he never even tried,” Justin promised him. “I told you…just with Lance…and with you someday.” Justin looked into Chris’ eyes. “How much longer do I have to wait, Chris? I’ve tried to be patient, understanding all your reasons…but I want you so bad. Don’t you want me?”

“Justin, if you only knew,” Chris groaned, his mind flashing to many cold showers.

“Then make love to me, Chris…please…” Justin pressed his forehead against Chris’. “Make love to me.”

Chris didn’t immediately answer. He couldn’t. He wanted to just ravage Justin’s body. He wanted to take his sweet time learning every inch of Justin’s body. He wanted Justin to make him scream. He wanted to make Justin scream. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head. Justin pulled back and looked at him.

“Wait here one second.” Justin left the room and Chris sat down on the bed. Shit. Now Justin was mad at him. Could he blame him? He knew he loved Justin, knew Justin loved him. What was making him hold back? “I’ve wanted to show you this for a while.” In Justin’s hands was a small leather bag. Chris knew it held the few things that were important to Justin, things that held sentimental value. He had never seen its contents. Justin sat down next to Chris on the bed. “This.” He handed Chris a picture.

Chris looked down. In the picture was a much younger Justin, a Justin of about fourteen or fifteen. Next to Justin was another boy, a few years older. A boy with short blond hair and a lopsided smile and clear green eyes that seemed to see right through you. “Lance,” Chris whispered. Justin nodded slowly.

“Yeah…that’s him. That’s us at a Fourth of July picnic. We had the best time that day…and it was the first time he ever told me he loved me. I was scared…I knew I shouldn’t love him back, but I did. God, I did.” Justin smiled at the memory. “And I still do…in a special way. But he wasn’t strong enough for both of us. He wasn’t strong enough to look past the failure and succeed. Chris…you went downtown to confront Alex, not even THINKING about yourself. It was all about me, and what he might say about me someday. You were stronger then I could ever be…and it was so unselfish.” Justin took the picture back and carefully placed it in the bag. “I love you…and I want to be with you forever. But if you don’t think this is gonna move any further than some kissing and touching, I want to know now. I’m not gonna leave or anything…I just want to know. I’m happy being with you no matter what.”

“What in the world did I do to deserve you?” Chris whispered, tears actually stinging his eyes.

“Don’t cry, don’t. I’m sorry, Chris.” Justin was horrified as he pulled Chris into his arms. Chris was kind and sensitive, but Justin had never seen him cry like this.

“God, Justin…” Chris wanted to say so much, wanted to say how much Justin meant to him and how much he loved him, but words wouldn’t come. Instead he kissed Justin…at first tenderly, then more passionately. Justin dropped the small bag to the floor and pulled until Chris was stretched out on top of him on the bed. “I just want…I want this to be good…and I’m afraid…” Chris said hesitantly. A light bulb went off in Justin’s head.

“Howie didn’t leave you because you weren’t good enough, Chris,” Justin said firmly. “It’s because HE wasn’t good enough for you.” His fingers lightly tugged at Chris’ tshirt until Chris allowed him to pull it off. He kissed Chris neck, lightly nibbling at the skin as his hand ran down to play with Chris’ nipples.

“Mmm…” Chris moaned quietly. Justin moved until Chris was on his back, then he stood. He slowly unbuttoned the dress shirt as Chris watched. Chris’ eyes were huge and solemn.

“You look so serious,” Justin teased lightly, taking off the shirt and draping it over a chair.

“You’re seriously sexy,” Chris said, and laughed when Justin actually blushed.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” Justin said, smiling as Chris frowned in denial. “Hey, if I’m so sexy, would I waste my time with someone who wasn’t as sexy as me?” This made Chris laugh. He stopped laughing, however, when Justin pulled off the dress pants and the boxers underneath. He stood by the bed, naked. “Well?” He asked softly.

Chris scooted forward, moving to the edge of the bed. He kissed Justin’s stomach, letting his tongue dip into his belly button. He felt Justin quiver. His hands slid around to grasp Justin’s backside, pulling Justin even closer. Chris felt Justin’s hands run through his hair as he kissed down Justin’s stomach. “God…Justin…you’re beautiful…” Chris kissed Justin’s hipbone, then moved in to finally take his hard cock in his hand.

“Chris…I’ve waited so long…God…” Justin threw his head back, groaning as Chris began to run his tongue up and down his length. “Please…Chris…” Justin felt his knees start to buckle as Chris finally took him in his mouth. Chris pulled back, causing Justin to whimper. Chris stood, his mouth finding Justin’s. Justin’s eager hands hurriedly shoved at Chris’ sweatpants, pushing them to the floor. Chris stepped out of them and they fell onto the bed, tongues dueling and hands wandering.

Chris gasped as Justin gripped him firmly, stroking him with fast, even strokes. “Justin…I’m an old man…you’re gonna drive me crazy!”

“I hope so,” Justin said with a smirk. “I want to make you crazy.”

“You already do,” Chris gasped as Justin’s hand slid down his cock, below his balls, and teased at the entrance behind. “Justin…shit…it’s been so long…”

“You’ll just have to wait,” Justin teased, pulling his hand back and kissing Chris’ swollen lips. “I told you…I want you to make love to me.”

“But I…” Chris faltered.

“I want it…so bad. Lance always wanted me to do it to him…I hardly ever got to…” Justin blushed slightly. “Please…Chris…all this time I wouldn’t let those guys do that to me. It’s like I was saving it for you.”

Chris stared at Justin, wondering how he could love someone so much and not explode from the feeling. He slowly got up from the bed and started digging through drawers. He knew he had lubricant, knew he had condoms, but it had been a VERY long time, and for all he knew they were dried up and useless by now. He frowned. THAT would suck. He finally found some in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, and when he turned around, his heart stopped.

Justin was leaning on one hand, his long fingers buried in his curls. The other hand played with the sheet as he patiently waited, lounging naked and beautiful on Chris’ bed. “You…” Chris stopped. There were no words. He fell to his knees by the bed, dropping the condom and tube of lubricant onto the bed by Justin’s side. He kissed Justin ruthlessly, capturing Justin’s bottom lip between his teeth and lightly biting. Justin hissed in a breath.

“Chris…please…”

Chris climbed up onto the bed, picking up the lubricant. He thanked whatever God was in charge of it, because it was still half-full and able to be used. He reached for Justin, kissing him as his fingers slowly sought out the special places that would drive Justin crazy. Justin whimpered at first, not used to the feeling of being invaded, but he was soon moaning, writhing against Chris and pushing down onto his fingers. Chris pulled back, covering himself with the condom and ample amounts of lubricant.

“I don’t want to hurt you…” Chris kissed Justin’s forehead. “But it will. And I’m sorry. I just want…”

“God, Chris, just do it already or I’ll be as old as you before you get to it,” Justin teased. Chris stuck his tongue out at him, then pulled a pillow down to place it under Justin’s hips.

“This would probably be easier from behind, but I want to see your gorgeous face,” Chris whispered as he carefully started to guide himself inside. Justin’s face contorted with pain and Chris grimaced as well.

“No…don’t stop…go ahead…just been a long…time…” Justin panted as he tried to relax. Chris slowly sank inside, not stopping until he was completely in. He looked down at Justin, whose eyes had closed. The blue eyes fluttered open and he nodded. Chris pulled out and went in again, and by the third thrust he knew he had found it. Justin gasped and arched off the bed, grabbing at Chris’ legs. “More…oh God…Chris…there…”

Chris groaned and began to move faster, trying to keep the movement steady. It was difficult. Justin was so tight beneath him…his hands grabbing at Chris, fingernails digging in with delicious pain. “Justin…baby…”

“Chris…so good…fucking GOD so good…so glad I waited for you…more…” Justin panted. Chris slammed in as hard as he could, reaching down to slowly stroke Justin’s cock. Justin almost screamed with pleasure, and Chris felt him tighten around him.

“Justin…” Chris gasped, not sure how much longer he could hold back.

“Chris…oh…GOD…” Justin came, shooting up onto his own smooth chest. Chris murmured his name, then finally allowed himself to cum. He slowly pulled out, leaned across the bed to throw away the condom, then moved back. Justin immediately rolled into his arms.

“Chris…I love you.” Justin kissed Chris chest, his chin, his lips.

“I love you, too.” Chris frowned as Justin rolled away, but watched as Justin got up to go wash off. Justin hurried back, then snuggled under the covers next to Chris.

“You really think I can do this record thing?” Justin asked in a tiny voice.

“Baby, you can do anything. You’re amazing,” Chris told him, running a hand through the soft curls. Justin sighed, placing his head on Chris’ chest.

“With you I am.”

Months later

“I have something for you,” Justin said, smiling shyly at Chris. The deli was closed, and a small party was in the works. It was Chris’ birthday. Joey was there with his girlfriend Michelle, Josh and his new girlfriend Becky, Brian and his girlfriend Janine, and Justin and Chris.

“If you say you’re pregnant, I’m calling Jerry Springer,” Joey said. Michelle smacked him.

“You’ve already given me so much,” Chris said, pointing to the small stack of presents next to him. “You all gave such cool gifts…thanks again.”

“No…there’s something else.” Justin went back to the storeroom and Chris looked at Joey inquisitively.

“Where’d he get the money for all this?” Chris asked.

“They gave him a small advance. This CD is gonna be huge, Chris,” Joey promised. “The single’s already doing so well…it’s amazing how fast this kid is moving.”

“Yes,” Chris said proudly. The album people had come up with some amazing songs for Justin to use, a mix of pop, blues and R&B. He insisted on one thing…the song “Taxi” went on the CD as the last track. Kind of an odd request, but he had been so good natured about allowing Joey’s company and the record people to decide everything else that they allowed it.

“Here.” Justin handed Chris a small plastic case. Chris’ mouth fell open.

“Your CD,” Chris said in wonder.

“Yep. I got everyone a copy…but you get yours first.” Justin watched Chris’ face.

Chris turned the case over, staring at it. He knew nothing about the CD…nothing except that Justin had convinced them to let him record the taxi song. “Tricks,” Chris read. “You named your CD Tricks?”

“Yeah…I thought it was a twist on my old life, you know,” Justin said with a small smile. “Plus they thought it was catchy.”

“Cute,” Chris remarked, though he hated any reminder of Justin’s past. “Awesome, baby.” He gave Justin a quick kiss and sat the CD on his pile of gifts.

Later that night, when they were settling into bed, Justin said, “You didn’t read the notes inside.”

“Well, everyone was there,” Chris replied. Justin got up and picked up a CD.

“Here. Read this one.”

“I…” Chris began, then froze. “This isn’t the CD you gave me downstairs.”

“No, it’s not. This is your special CD,” Justin said, watching Chris’ face carefully. “I had them print this one special for you.”

The entire cover was different. Instead of just one picture of Justin on the cover, the cover was a collage of pictures of Justin and Chris. Pictures of them at the deli, pictures of them on their vacation, pictures of them with Joey and Josh and Brian. The CD itself was autographed, “To Chris…with all my love, Justin.”

“Wow,” Chris whispered.

“Look inside…at the thank yous…that part is the same on all the CDs.” Justin got up and went to the bathroom. Chris opened the cover with shaking hands and read aloud.

“To Joey…the one who got me the deal. Thanks with all my heart for having such faith in me. To Josh, for befriending a weird street kid who didn’t even know how to BE a friend. To Brian…for covering all my extra shifts. Thanks, dude! To Lance…” Chris swallowed deeply. “To Lance…the guardian angel who has watched over me since day one. You believed in me first…and now I’m living our dream. I love you always.”

“Keep reading,” Justin said, leaning in the doorway.

“To Chris…I wake up to see you smile, I sleep to dream of you. Every day I’m with you makes my life better. I love you forever and a day.” Chris looked up, tears in his eyes. “Justin…people will think…”

“People will think I’m in love with someone named Chris…and for all they know it could be a girl. I don’t care. I need to show the world I love you…and I owe you so damn much.” Justin came over to kiss Chris’ forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Chris caught Justin in a fierce hug, sending a prayer of thanks to Justin’s guardian angel for sending him to the deli that rainy night.

The End

Tell Lara what you thought of this story!