It’s Been Awhile
It’s been a while…since I could hold my head up
high…since I first saw you…since I could stand on my own two feet again…since I
could call you…but everything I can’t remember as fucked up as it is…all may
seem the consequences that I’ve rendered…I’ve stretched myself beyond my means…
She stared at the man slumped at the end of the
counter. “Is he okay?” She whispered to
her coworker, Liz. Liz looked up and
cracked her gum.
“Looks dead to me.” She went back to cleaning the
coffeepots. The first waitress sighed
and walked down the counter. Business
wasn’t exactly booming at the roadside diner.
She hesitated.
“Sir?”
The tall blond continued to play with the fork in
front of him. “Hmmm?” He muttered.
“Sir…are you okay?”
He looked up, eyes bloodshot. She gasped slightly. The maturity of his
eyes was a contrast with the youth of his face. “I don’t look okay?”
Something in his voice called to her. “No, sir, you don’t. Can I get you
something? Coffee? Tea?”
He smiled bitterly. “Tea. That sounds good.”
“Did you want some breakfast?”
“What time is it?”
“It’s about two in the morning, sir.”
“You don’t have to call me sir.”
“You’re a paying customer…at least I hope you’ll
pay.”
The first sincere smile crossed his face. “I
promise I’ll pay.”
“Did you want to…um…” she paused politely. “Wash
up? Bathroom’s around back.”
“Yeah…I’ll wash up. Gimme some…eggs…scrambled with cheese. Wheat toast…burnt bacon.”
“Yes, sir…I mean, yes,” she said, and the smile
appeared again. He went back to wash
up, and she went back to give the order to their sleepy cook.
Nick stared at himself in the mirror. Where the
hell was he? How long had he been driving?
He couldn’t remember. All he
knew was that it had been daylight when he had left, and he had suddenly been
unable to drive one moment longer. The
entire ride had been plagued with thoughts of Kevin…of AJ…of Brian…of Howie…of
HER. Even though “she” didn’t have a
name…she was a faceless collection of all the “shes” in his life…his mother,
his sisters, the constant stream of girlfriends.
He splashed water up on his face, hearing Kevin’s
last words. “Nick, you need to think
more. You fucked this up royally.” That was it. He had to go.
“I don’t have anything like herbal or anything,”
she said apologetically. “I have just regular old tea.”
“Regular old tea will be fine,” Nick said as he
slid back into his seat.
“There are booths, you know…” she motioned to the
empty line of peeling plastic seats along the wall. He shook his head.
“This is fine.”
“Well…your eggs will be up in a second,” she said,
and turned back to her cleaning.
“What’s your name?”
“Rhiannon.”
“Rhiannon,” he rolled the sound over his
tongue. “That’s unique.”
“Yeah, well, my mom was creative.” She went back to
scrubbing the shelf under the counter.
“I’m Nick, Rhiannon.”
“You don’t sound like you’re from around here.”
“No, I’m not. Born in New York, but now I live in
Tampa.”
“I see.” She scrubbed, seeing him in her mind’s
eye. Tall, long legs, big-boned. His blond hair was dirty and messy, and his
clothes were nothing to remember, a pair of khakis and a hooded green
sweatshirt. “What are you doing out
driving this late?”
“I needed to get away,” he said softly. “Too much back home.”
“I see,” she said again. “That’s one reason I like working overnight. No pressures.”
“Rhee!
Food!” The cook barked.
“I wanted WHEAT toast,” she told the man, looking
at the plate in dismay.
“You fucked up then, because you wrote down WHITE,”
he growled back, daring her to argue.
Nick shuddered at the man’s words. “No…it’s
okay…white will work great,” he said loudly.
“You sure?”
“Yes, ma’am. Suddenly I’m hungry…I don’t wanna wait
for more toast,” Nick said, and she handed him the plate. “Thanks.”
She started rearranging the pie cooler as he dug
into his food. The eggs were scrambled
too hard, and the toast had almost no butter, but he didn’t complain. It was
food, even though it settled in his stomach with a hard thud. “So, Nick, what do you do?”
Nick froze. She didn’t recognize him? He chuckled.
He wasn’t the picture of the teen heartthrob at the moment. “I sing,” he said honestly.
“Really? That’s nice.” She stood on tiptoe to reach the top shelf of the cooler, and he
found himself admiring the line of her body.
She was short, maybe 5’5”, and put together in a pleasant way. “You sing alone?”
“I feel like it,” he said, staring down at his
eggs. Suddenly he was tired…more tired
then he had felt in a long time.
“Your friends piss you off?” She said, and he was
amazed at how much she seemed to read.
“No…I pissed them off…fucked up again,” Nick said
sadly, and he was horrified by the tears that sprang up. “I do that a lot.”
“Is there someone I could call for you?” She asked
softly, one hand on his shoulder. “Family?
Girlfriend? Wife?”
“No wife…no girlfriend…not this week,” he muttered,
trying to remember the last time he had talked to his mother or sisters. “No family, either.” He toyed with his eggs.
“I bet you sing good,” she said gently, and he
smirked.
“Some people think so. I don’t. I whine.”
“I bet you don’t.”
Nick took one more bite of his bacon. “I bet you
don’t know.”
Her eyes flashed and she turned back to her
work. “I bet you’re right.”
“Hey…Rhiannon…I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m just
tired…and fed up…and sick of everything…sick of my life…sick of being walked
on…sick of being walked out on…sick of doing the walking.”
Rhiannon slowly turned around. “Nick, I think you
need some rest. You need to sleep and sleep and then wake up to a better
day. You got a place to go?”
“I don’t even know where I am,” he admitted.
“I get off at three-thirty. Why don’t you go over in that booth and take
a load off. I’ll take you somewhere to rest.”
“Okay,” he said, not believing his own voice.
It’s been a while since I could say that I wasn’t addicted…since
I could say I love myself as well…since I’ve gone and fucked things up just
like I always do…but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you…but
everything I can’t remember…as fucked up as it may seem…the consequences that
I’ve rendered, I’ve gone and fucked things up again…why must I feel this
way…just make this go away…just one more peaceful day…
Rhiannon lived in a small trailer about three
blocks back from the diner. They
walked. Nick stumbled along and she
helped to support him. She began to wonder if he had been drinking or doing
something worse before getting behind the wheel of his car. She unlocked the door. “It’s not much, but
there’s a bed. You can sleep there. I’ll go on the couch.”
“But this is your home,” he protested as he yanked
at the sweatshirt and pulled it over his head.
“But I’m shorter. You’ll never fit on the couch,”
she said with a grin, looking at her tiny piece of furniture and his long
body. He grinned back.
“Good point.”
Without even thinking, he stripped down to his boxers and climbed onto
her bed. “Oh…God…this feels good.” He
crawled under the covers and she pulled them up.
For some reason, she felt compelled to reach down
and smooth a finger over his forehead.
“Things will be better in the morning.”
“I’ll still be alone,” he whispered, then looked up
into her kind face. His large hand slid
up her face to cup her cheek. “Don’t let me be alone now.”
Rhiannon lay on Nick’s chest, listening to his
heart beat under her cheek. He sighed,
thinking how he had screwed things up yet again. She wouldn’t understand. She’d think it was something…well, it
was…but it wasn’t…oh God not again. “Why don’t you like yourself?” She asked
suddenly, breaking him out of his reverie.
“Everyone thinks I’m perfect…everyone on the
outside…and everyone on the inside keeps reminding me of how NOT perfect I am,”
he said quietly.
“The people on the inside love you and are
honest…but they love you more…remember that.
If they think you’re worth loving, you must be,” she said. “And the
people on the outside…they only see the face in the magazine. They don’t know
you. Worry about the ones who know you.”
“You recognized me?” He asked in surprise.
“Sure. I’m
not a hermit out here,” she said with a grin.
Nick smiled down at her.
“Sneaky.”
“You’re not that person. You were a sad and lonely
man…and you touched me inside,” she admitted.
He kissed her softly, using her body and her warm heart to push the pain
away.
It’s been a while since I could look at myself
straight…since I said I’m sorry since I’ve seen the way the candle lights your
face…but I can still remember just the way you taste…but everything I can’t
remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be…I know it’s me I cannot blame
this on my father…he did the best he could for me…It’s been a while, since I
could hold my head up high…and it’s been a while since I said I’m sorry…
“Just go back to the third intersection and turn
left. You’re on the highway,” she said
as they stood by his car. He looked at
her.
“I’m sorry, Rhiannon…”
She shook her head. “Nick, it’s not like that. We both knew that going into
this. I just…I’m gonna be worried about
you.”
“I’ll survive. I’ve been doing it for years now,”
he said with a tiny smile. She kissed
him and he tasted all of the wonder of the night before, and all of the safety.
“Take care,” she whispered, pulling her jacket
around her. “Be careful…and
remember…you’re worth it.”
“I don’t know if I can remember that, but I’ll
try,” he said, knowing full well he would remember everything else about
her. He climbed into his car and drove
off, leaving her standing in the parking lot.
The End
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