Can You Love The Real Me?

By: Stephanie Woodworth

I’m not sure how I let it all begin, but it’s ending here tonight. He just doesn’t understand and I can’t take the pressure anymore.

I picked up the framed picture from my bedside table and looked at it. It was taken only days before at a sound check and he was making the cutest little pouty face at me. “Ugh!” I screamed, tossing the framed picture into the suitcase sitting on my bed. I couldn’t believe that I was letting him run me out of town. “Damn him!” Why was I blaming him? I was due for a vacation. My parents were dying to see me. I hadn’t been home in ages and I missed my family. It was time. This just proved to be a good excuse.

I crossed the room quickly and rummaged through my closet looking for clothes to take with me to Indiana. It would still be cold there and all my clothes that I’d had on tour were still piled high on the floor in my laundry room. “Guess I’m going to have to do some laundry before I leave.” I looked down at my watch, as if I were on some great big time restraint. “Calm down, Stephanie, you have all the time in the world, you just quit your job.” I wondered if I was loosing my mind. You’re only loosing your mind if you answer yourself, I promptly thought. “Great, I’m having a conversation of sorts with myself. Someone had better call the guys in the little white coats to come and get me.” I laughed because I didn’t know what else to do. What was I doing?

I’d somehow convinced myself that I wasn’t the right person for JC … I wasn’t! Oh for God’s sake we’re like Mutt and Jeff. We just didn’t look right together.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself … possibly part of the delusional state that I’m in … maybe I’ll start at the beginning … yeah good place to start a story. Okay, so from the beginning. I’m Stef and until yesterday was working with WEG as part of their public relations team. I helped with the sound check parties, radio promotions, and stuff like that.

*~*~*~*

I’ve always loved music, but have no musical talent. I love concert, but can’t perform. So when this job with NSYNC was offered it was a dream come true. To say I didn’t know who NSYNC was would be a lie, I did, hell who doesn’t. I found their harmonies good, their music slightly annoying, but they were all quite good looking. Especially one member in particular. Doesn’t matter though because I’m invisible to most people. No, I don’t have some super power or something. I’m overweight so people choose not to see me, but as the tour went on the guys actually took the time to get to know me. Could be my sense of humor, the fact that I have to speak to them some day or the fact that I carry my camera with me 24/7. Yep, if this whole PR thing doesn’t work out I have photography to fall back on. I carry my camera with me everywhere; it’s always attached to my belt loops. It was strange, but one by one, they all seemed to start coming to me.

First it was Chris. He wanted to know what was up with the camera. Why I was always snapping pictures. I explained that I had a fascination with photography. He actually asked to see some of my stuff. We went out to dinner a few nights later and I brought my portfolio with me. I really think that Chris was amazed. I loved hanging out with Chris; some of the things that come out of that boy’s mouth are just too hilarious. Chris has a really good heart. Years from now Chris and I will still be sending each other funny birthday cards.

Next was Joey, at first I though he was just looking for one of his many conquests for the evening, then I learned that he actually wanted someone to hang out with that he knew he wouldn’t want to have sex with. At first I was a bit hurt, then I felt honored, Joey needed someone to talk to and he picked me. Guess that proves that fat girls are good listeners. Who knows? Needless to say, Joey and I were never seen in public together and I was never supposed to mention to any of the others that we’d been together. I guess image is everything. Joey took what he needed out of our conversations and I got what I needed, someone to be with for just that night, even if no one else was allowed to know.

Lance. Lance was just so busy on this tour. I felt so sorry for the boy. I think he was being pulled in so many different directions with the whole space thing and working out. Then he’s running companies. Man, at 23 I was lucky to get out of bed to go to school. I can’t imagine how he does it. Maybe that’s why we only talked once, and it was the night he needed to cheat on his “diet” and wanted to know what I had to eat. Another fat person thing. I didn’t have anything. I felt bad. I questioned why we couldn’t just order up something from room service. He explained how it would look if it showed up on his bill. So I had to explain the next morning to Melinda why I needed two whole Pecan pies late in the night. I don’t even eat sweets that often. I think she knew, but I wasn’t going to tell on Lance and I don’t think that Melinda really carried. Over Pecan pie at two in the morning, Lance and I had a wonderful talk about family, goals and religion. It will be a discussion I will cherish for all my life.

Ah, baby Justin. Not much different in age then my own brother. Justin reminded me of him in many ways. I watched Justin bring women back to his room and thought of Nick at home and wondered, not really wanting to know. I sent a silent prayer up to God. I was thankful that Nick had settled down, but knew that he used to be like this … men are such dawgs! Ugh! If a woman would do something like this it would be so wrong. Oh and I know I’m going on and on about it with Justin and with Joey it was just accepted … I’m not sure why it is, but that’s always been the case … it just is. Maybe it’s because with Justin he was so in love and now he’s doing this. It took a long time before I actually spoke to Justin. When we did it was about a song that he was working on. He wanted my opinion for some reason. I still to this day can’t figure out why. I looked at the song, told him what I thought and he walked away. I never really spoke to him alone again.

Finally it was JC’s turn. It was almost like he’d sent the others, like to test the waters. He knocked on my hotel room door late one night. I was in my room like I was every night after a show. On this particular night I was reading fan fiction on the net, one of my favorite sites had just updated and I was curled up with my laptop. I had on my glasses, pajama bottoms, a t-shirt, and my hair was pulled up on top of my head. I looked less than fabulous. I didn’t care when I answered the door; I was just upset that I was getting interrupted.

“Hello?” I about passed out when I saw JC standing in the hall.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you,” he appeared to be checking me out, then he was trying to get a glance past me into my room. “I was wondering what you were doing tonight.”

I tried not to laugh. I looked down at my attire. “I’m going out clubbing, wanna come, it’s a new pajama bar?” Like duh? What does it look like? Not to mention, I hadn’t ever gone out with the crew. I’m not into clubbing, not that I hadn’t ever been invited.

He smiled at me. Damn, there it was, the smile that melted my heart. I’d fallen for his smile weeks before and hadn’t let anyone in on my little obsession, infatuation, crush … whatever you want to call it. “Is it a private club or can anyone come in?”

Oh my gawd is he flirting with me? Nah, he’s just blowing me shit cause I started it. “Normally it’s not open to the public, but for you I’ll make an exception. Come on in.” I moved to the side and let him into my room. I was glad that I had picked up most of the pictures from earlier. I tended to have more pictures of him lately. Go figure. “Excuse my mess. I was adding pictures to my portfolio since we’re in this city for two days,” I said sliding a box of photo out of one of the chair so he could sit down.

“Not a problem.” He began to wonder around my room. “Do you mind?” he asked pointing to my portfolio.

“Go right ahead.” I hated when people looked through it, but then again how was I ever going to be able to sell my work if I couldn’t have people look at it. “I have a whole room at home that is nothing but pictures. I promised myself when I started taking pictures that I’d put them in portfolios right away and for some reason it doesn’t always happen. I’m actually doing it with most of the pictures that I’m talking on this tour.” Babbling just sort of happens when I get nervous. JC had actually picked up the portfolio that was full of the sunset, sunrises and various other pictures. Pictures other than the members of NSYNC.

“You’re very good.” He continued to flip through the portfolio. “Do you always get up in every city to see the sunrise?”

“No, not every city, but most.” I walked over and ran my hand down the page that he was looking at. The pictures seem like children to me. The only thing that I missed being out on tour was my dark room. “I enjoy sunrises, but not as much as sunsets. That’s why I moved to Florida in the first place. Indiana has some great sunrises and sunsets, but nothing like Florida. I love going to the coast and just watching the sun disappear into the ocean.”

“So are you looking forward to going home?” JC placed that book down and picked up the next.

“I actually don’t mind being out on the road either, I like seeing other cities. What about you? I hear that y’all get a bunch of time off. Excited?” I wanted to scream, how was it that I was having a conversation with this man. I wanted to just rip his clothes off and have sex with him right there in the sitting room of this hotel room.

“And scared. I haven’t had down time in a long while.” JC smiled at one of the pictures of him in the book. “I didn’t even know that you took this picture. You really are amazing. Johnny should have just hired you to photograph the tour.” I just shrugged amazed at how well they all didn’t even realize I was there most of the time. I sat down across the room on the sofa and stared at him. In five point two seconds I remembered that he was a pop star and I had no chance with him. “What was that all about?”

“Huh?” I hadn’t said anything.

“That look with the shrug.” JC put the book down and came to sit next to me on the sofa.

“Nothing, why?” I felt uncomfortable instantly. I realized just how much different in size we really were. I also realized that it was something that I’d have to get over. With the other guys I didn’t have a problem with it … then again I didn’t have any feelings for them over and above the possibility of friendship. With JC, even though I knew as a college educated adult that there wasn’t the possibility of a relationship, but I hoped I was wrong. Maybe it was all that stupid fan fiction that I read.

He placed a hand on my thigh and I jumped. “Man, what’s up with you?”

“Nothing.” Just a minute before I wanted to tear his clothes off and now I was jumping at his touch. I was going insane. I stood and crossed the small room back to where my pictures were spread out across the table. I went to work putting them into the portfolio sitting there.

“The others said that you were cool to talk to.” JC stood and walked over to where I was sitting. “What’s up with you tonight?”

I looked up at him with his beautiful blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones, and defining jaw line, he was drop dead gorgeous. Drop dead gorgeous and I’d never be able to have him. So right there and then I decided to stop being stupid and just be his friend. “I’m sorry JC, I’m tired. I was just sitting in bed reading when you showed up.”

He looked down at me with a pouty face. “I’m sorry, am I keeping you from some good romance novel?” I shook my head no. “The new Tom Clancy.” Oh god. Again I shook my head. “What were you reading then?” He peeked around the corner into the other room to see my laptop open and sitting on my bed. Busted! “What’s on your laptop?”

Fan fiction, you know the stories that fans write about you, that I in turn place myself in. I wanted to smack my forehead. Could this get any worse? “Nothing. You know JC, I think I’m just going to go to bed. Maybe we can get together another night.” I stood and headed toward the door to let him out. I should have tried harder to get him to leave.

He picked up my laptop and began reading the story on the screen. I was hoping the carpet would open and swallow me whole. “You’re reading fan fiction?”

“Yes,” I said softly.

“We get a good laugh out of this stuff sometimes. Who is this one about?”

“You.”

“Is there a bunch of sex?” he asked wickedly.

“I just started it.” Oh this doesn’t look good.

JC jumped onto the bed with the laptop. “C’mon.”

“Huh?” I was confused.

“I’ll read until you fall asleep, how is that?”

Oh my god I’m going to die. JC is going to read fan fiction to me in bed until I fall asleep. I’m going to die. “Okay.” I climbed into the bed, all thoughts of our difference in size pushed way back in my mind as I thought of all the far worse thing that could go wrong. I talk in my sleep. Yep … I can hold a whole conversation … and have … and not remember a thing in the morning. Hopefully JC can read all night because I can’t fall asleep. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Sure.” JC placed a pillow behind him and leaned against the headboard of the bed. He made sure that the covers were where I wanted them, then began on the story. I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember waking up in his arm the next morning.

I was really groggy when I heard a strange phone ringing. I began to stir, then heard. “It’s mine, don’t move, I’ll get it.” It had to be a dream. It was a male’s voice and it was coming from whoever was next to me in bed. I flipped over just as I saw JC get out of bed to grab his phone off the nightstand. “Hello.”

I quickly flipped back over. What was he still doing here? Had he spent the night? Oh my god! Things like this didn’t happen to me … never! I could only hear his side of the conversation, but from what I gathered he was supposed to meet Justin this morning and missed his appointment. What time was it? I was supposed to be at a radio station at noon. I sat up and looked at my watch. Oh god it was 11:30. Great! I jumped from my bed and ran for the shower.

“Wait.”

“What? We all have to be at a radio station in less than a half hour.” Before I could protest more JC was kissing me. Just a sweet little kiss on the lips.

“I had a great time last night. I want to do it again sometime. I’d also like to go out with you …like a date.” I just stood there. I didn’t say anything, just watched him walk out of my room. Needless to say, I was late for the radio station, but that was the first night of many that JC and I spent together during the tour.

For a while at the beginning of our relationship it was easy for JC and I to stay back at the hotel and just hang, then it got harder for JC not to go out with the guys. I tried to keep it on a friendly basis for as long as I could, but soon JC was begging me to go out clubbing with him. I never really wanted to be seen alone in public with him. I had read what was posted on the net about women seen with the guys in different cities. I also knew that most of the fans knew that I worked for WEG and thought nothing of me being seen with the guys, but some of the comments that they made stung. I thought that I had gotten over the whole name-calling thing in grade school, but there is always a part of you no matter how older you are that still wants to cry when someone is making fun of you. That’s the part that JC just couldn’t get.

We were in a city one night and I let JC take me out with him and the guys. I got dressed up in my “clubbing” outfit. Black leather pants and a red blouse, nothing that any of the other girls in the club would be wearing that night, but JC seemed to like it when he picked me up and at the time that’s all that mattered to me. That was until we got to the club. I’d gone into the restroom half way through the night to touch up my makeup and I heard two women in there just tearing me to pieces. They had just about called me every name in the book and by that time I’d had enough. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and tried to touch up the damage my crying had done. I didn’t even bother going back out on the dance floor to find JC, I found a bodyguard and explained that I was heading back to the hotel. He insisted that I let one of the drivers take me, but instead I took a taxi. I needed some time alone without the chance of getting photographed. I didn’t need any added publicity. JC never even asked what had happened that night. He never asked me to go out clubbing again either; I guess he just knew that I didn’t belong there. Who knows?

The more we hung around together, the more JC expected from me. Sometimes I wondered if he wanted the arm candy that I couldn’t provide him. I also wondered if he ever brought girls back with him on his nights out clubbing, I never heard anything, but then again the bodyguards are really good at sneaking girls into hotels. Because I wasn’t having sex with JC and I was pretty sure that JC was probably having sex with someone.

It wasn’t hard to fall for the real JC because I had already fallen for the persona of JC. The real JC is sweet and sensitive and funny. I loved him deeply. I know that he loved me too, but that it would never have worked. Our fight in Columbus proved to be the straw the broke the proverbial camels back.

“Stef, I don’t know what else to do to prove that I love you,” JC screamed from across the room. We’d been fighting for over an hour and we weren’t getting anywhere. I had never let our relationship progress past heavy petty for fear that all I was was a conquest and that once JC got what he was after he’d leave. When he started using the ‘L’ word he started to scare me.

“JC,” I began wiping the tears away again from my eyes. “We don’t fit together. Look at us. We can’t work. Your fans will never accept me.” If he told me to diet they’d be less one member of NSYNC for the final three performance of the Celebrity tour. But that was just it, he wasn’t going to tell me that and I knew it, so I was fighting and I was coming up with all the stupid reasons that I could think of. “My thigh is almost the size of your waist.”

He threw his arms up in the air. “You know what I’ve heard it all today from you. I’ve had enough. I have sound check in just about an hour. I guess I’ll see you there.” He walked out of my room and slammed the door.

That was the sound check that I took the picture from, he was still trying to beg me to date him. To move in with him when we went back to Orlando. To be more than just friends. I refused and I barely spoke to anyone the last few shows. And JC stayed away from me.

When we finally made it back to Orlando for the last show I went to Melinda and asked to be moved off of NSYNC. She was shocked. “All I’ve heard from the guys is how much they love you, Stef.”

“Then I’m turning in my two week notice, I think I’m going to move back to Indiana.” I wanted to cry as soon as I said the words. I was insane. I needed mental help. What was wrong with me? Overweight people dated skinny people all the time. If JC loved me I should just let him, because I loved him with all my heart and this was killing me.

“Are you sure about this?”

A single tear slid down my cheek. “Yes, I’m sure.” I squared my shoulders and sounded a bit more professional. “I enjoyed my job with the company, but have decided that moving back to Indiana is in my best interest.”

“We’ll miss you Stef, if you need anything please call.”

“Thank you.” I turned and quietly left, driving away from the nondescript building that housed WEG.

*~*~*~*

So here I am frantically packing for a trip that I’m not sure I want to take. Why am I running home?

I was knee deep in clothes when I heard someone clear their throat. I spun around quickly getting caught up in the laundry and falling back on my ass.

“Great move, did Darren teach you that?”

“Justin?” I was really confused. “What are you doing in my house?”

“My best friend is in mine so I had to come infest yours. What are you doing?” He offered me his hand.

“My laundry.” I wasn’t going to let Justin Timberlake pull me out of a pile of dirty laundry. God forbid that I hurt his back or something. “Why is JC at your place?”

“Because he’s all whiny over you. Girl, you both need to talk. You look good; he likes the way you look. You two need to get together before one of us kills you.”

“He likes the way I look?” No way … this was some sort of joke.

“I do.”

“JC?”

“Why did it take Justin telling you for you to believe it?”

“Because I’m stupid and bullheaded and stubborn and … okay you can stop me at any time JC.” I smiled up at him. There I thought, at least he’s taller than me, thinking of positive things.

“And those are just a minor few of the reasons that I love you.”

“I love you too. I’m so sorry that I’ve been such a pain.” I climbed out of the laundry and walked over to him. “I should have known that it was meant to be the first night we were together.”

“Why do you say that?” He leaned down and kissed my forehead.

“You read fan fiction to me.” I smiled up at him. “It’s true love when you read stories about yourself to put someone asleep.” I leaned up and kissed him. “I really am sorry JC.”

“I’m just glad that it all had a happy ending.”

The End

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