November Rain

By: Stephanie Woodworth

Antonia sat with her knees drawn up into her chest staring silently at the waves pounding into the shoreline lying only a few feet ahead of her. She wished that the cold ocean water could wash away her life like it was the grains of sand and shells. Somewhere along the way the life she'd dreamed of, the life she felt she deserved was gone and in its place she was living a life that she wouldn't wish on anyone. She found herself sitting out here staring and wishing that the cold November rain that was falling would wash away all her troubles.

In the huge house behind her, Josh ran from room to room looking for her. He'd heard on the radar that the storm was just going to get worse before it would get better. This door was his last hope. Throwing open the sliding glass door he peered out into the driving rain trying to make out anything, that's when he saw her. She was barely skin and bones and had to be freezing cold. In a panic he took off running toward her screaming her name. "Toni!" She didn't even move, not even when he fell to his knees in front of her. "Toni," he said in a calmer voice. "I searched the whole house for you. I was worried sick." He placed his hands on her cheeks and made her look up at him.

She almost laughed at his choice of words. She looked at him with her big blue eyes. His hair was soaked from the rain and was sticking to his forehead. He was still as beautiful as the day she'd married him. He had told her once that it was silly to use the word beautiful to describe a male. Men aren't supposed to be beautiful. He was wrong. Joshua Scott Chasez was beautiful. That was the best word that Antonia could come up with to describe him.

At first, their relationship was a rocky one; they loved to hate each other. Toni was a morning radio personality at the local radio station in Orlando and hated NSYNC with a passion. She had made it her goal in life to put them down every chance that she got. Her bosses made sure to put her in charge of covering ever NSYNC related item the station had. The battles between NSYNC and Toni the Tigress were great publicity.

It wasn't long before Toni had pushed Josh too far, Josh had pushed Toni over the edge and they were pushing each other into bed. They tried to keep their relationship quiet, but once it was leaked all hell broke loose. The station tried to get her to talk about it on the air and when she wouldn't they threatened to fire her. It ended up that Toni quit her job and moved to LA … Josh soon followed.

Two months later they were married in a quite ceremony at their new beach house. The wedding was small and included immediate family and very few friends. They decided that if they didn’t want to make the news they’d better just keep the happy day to themselves. It was a sunny California day and nothing went wrong. The bride and groom were all smiles and the small group assembled was surprised that they were there for a wedding and not a barbeque. Toni quickly found a new job with a bigger station out west and Josh split his time between LA and Orlando when he wasn’t on the road. The press never seemed to care what the newlyweds did after that, until recently.

"Toni, what are you doing sitting out here in the rain?" he could tell that she'd been crying. Her eyes were swollen and red. "We need to get you back in the house. The weather man said we're in for a bad storm tonight." Toni shook her head no. "You can't stay out here." She weighed near nothing now and was easy to carry around. He quickly picked her up and carried her back toward the house. "You going to catch pneumonia, then what am I going to do with you?" He carried her strait up the stairs and into their bedroom. "Bath or shower?" She could only wish that he'd want to make love to her. It had been so long since he'd even held her in his arms. "I'm going to decide for you if you don't hurry."

"Will you join me in the tub?" she asked hopefully. She wasn't sure if it was the disease or the fact that she was 100 pounds soaking wet, but she was sure that he no longer found her sexually attractive. She saw the look in his eyes. Regret? Did he feel trapped all of a sudden, like he had to join her in the tub? "It's okay Jace, you don't have to if you don't want to." She pushed away from his chest. "Please put me down." When he didn't she tried to push away again. "C'mon Jace, obviously you'd rather not, I'll take a shower."

Josh placed her on the edge of their sunken tub. He grabbed the edge of his shirt and pulled it up over his head causing Toni to take in a deep breath. His arms and chest were still very well built. "I'd love to join you." He leaned over her and kissed her nose. "Now let's get you out of these wet clothes." Pausing a moment he looked at her almost asking like you would when undressing someone for the first time. He reached over and turned the bath on making sure that the water would be the perfect temperature. "Bubbles?" Toni shook her head. She wanted to see him and enjoy seeing him tonight. Josh stepped out of his wet jeans that were sticking to his legs. He climbed into the tub and lowered himself in letting Toni slide down in front of him.

"I love you," Toni said just above a whisper. Josh wasn't even sure he heard her correctly. She hadn't said it in so long. She hadn't shown affection in so long. "Josh," she began. She didn't know how to ask. She ran her hand up his outer thigh. "Josh, would you," she started again. She didn't have to finish. He knew what she wanted and he wasn't going to make her ask.

He turned her in the water and pulled her up to him. "If I begin to hurt you please stop me." He tried not to notice the scars across his wife's chest. He tried not to notice that her breasts were missing. They hadn't made love in months and if the doctor's reports were correct this might be a night that he will always remember. He slowly made love to his wife.

"The water is getting cold," Toni said raising her head off Josh's chest. She'd stayed there as long as she possibly could, making love to Josh had taken a lot out of her, more than she realized it would.

"Want to go to bed?" She nodded. She stood and watched as he got out of the tub to retrieve towels for them. "C'mon, I'll dry you off and take you to bed."

Toni let Josh carry her to their king size bed where he dried her off before lying wrapped in each other's arms. "When are you're parents bringing the girls home?"

"Tomorrow around noon. They thought that they'd let us sleep in." It was their tenth anniversary and his parents had flown out to watch their daughters for the night so they could celebrate. Ashton and Joclyn, five and seven respectfully, were spending the night in a nearby hotel with their grandparents … their idea of camping out.

“How nice of them,” Toni giggled, as Josh kissed the spot that he knew drove her crazy. “Jace,” she sighed.

“Are you tired?” She nodded her head. “Too tired for a present?”

“Never.” Toni smiled up at him as he hopped out of their bed and headed off to grab her present. She didn’t have one for him, but she knew that he wouldn’t mind.

Toni sat up and wrapped the sheet around her, but not before glancing down at her now flat chest. Most women would have died to have her breasts. She never took it for granted that she had been blessed with a nice rack as some would say. So why would she ever think that by the time that she was 37 years old that she would have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and have lost both of her breasts. Josh was strong through it all. He stood by and held her hand when she cried. Let her hit him when she was mad. Listened when she was upset. Took care of the girls when she was just too tired to handle it. Offered to buy her new breasts when she complained that she was now ugly and deformed. Promised to love her through it all. And he had. He’d done everything and more. He was the best husband any woman could have asked for. Toni heard him coming back up the stair and dried the tears that streaked her face. She knew deep down that she didn’t have much longer.

The doctor had informed them just two days ago that even though he thought he’d gotten all the cancerous cells from the left breast there was more in the glands and that chemotherapy just wasn’t going to take care of it this time. He’d given her a date, kind of an expiration date, or a best if used buy date. At first Toni felt sort of like a carton of milk, use by June 8^th. Then she got mad again. No one should be able to tell you for sure how long you have left to live. NO one should be able to give you that expiration date. Well, she proved the doctor wrong. She wasn’t supposed to live this long, granted everyday was getting worse and worse. She was taking more and more pain medicine to just make it through the day. It had taken her hours to make it out onto the sand. She was now ready to go. She reached over and grabbed her bottle of pain medication and swallowed the remaining pills. Tonight had been the night she’d been waiting for. Tonight she was ready all she needed to do was say her goodbyes. She wasn’t ready to let Josh go just yet, but she knew she had to. She had wanted just one more night with him, just him.

“Wait till you see this,” he boasted as he jumped back up on the bed. He had a huge flat package with him.

“Josh!” Toni grabbed at the wrapping paper to reveal a picture of him and the girls. “Oh Josh,” she gasped covering her mouth. It was gorgeous. The girls were all dressed up like brides and Josh was in a tuxedo. Toni started crying. She had broke down a few week earlier and cried for hour about how she wasn’t going to be there on their daughter’s wedding days. Josh reassured her that she was just being foolish. He did that sometimes even though he knew that there was no way that Toni was going to make it through this.

“They thought they were just playing dress up. I don’t think they understood what the picture was all about,” he reassured her. She thought that it was sweet that he’d given it so much thought.

“I love this so much more than you will ever know.” Toni let Josh take the picture from her and lean it against the wall in their room. “I’ll hang it for you in the morning,” he promised. She smiled up at him.

“That’s the most thoughtful gift I have ever received. I love you so much Josh.” Toni patted the bed next to him. “Will you hold me till I fall asleep?”

Josh silently climbed up on their bed and wrapped his wife into his arms. “I love you Antonia.”

Toni snuggled back loving the feeling of Josh’s arms around her. Just before she felt slumber pull her under she said, “I love you so much Josh you are the best husband anyone could ever ask for.” She closed her eyes and feel into a forever slumber in the arms of the man she loved.

MTV NEWSFLASH: Early this morning radio personality Antonia Perez, wife of JC Chasez from the music group NSYNC died in her sleep. Antonia, known at Toni the Tigress to her radio listeners lost her battle with Breast Cancer. She is survived by her husband and their two daughters. A small memorial service is going to be held in a private location later in the week. Please stay tuned to MTV news for all your latest news at 10 to the hour every hour.

The End

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