Without Your Love

By: Stephanie Woodworth

© 1999 Chaotic Bliss Fan Fiction

Sabina knew from an early age what she wanted to do with her life. Her parents introduced her to the art of the theatre at a young age and Sabina fell in love with it. She would go around reciting parts for the plays she saw. As she aged she added the costumes and make-up to her short recaps. Her parents realizing her love and passion soon enrolled her in acting classes.

Sabina found her first true love: acting. She also found the first love of her life while in acting classes.

Eric Byrnes was a fellow thespian. He entered the class in the fall of Sabina’s fourteenth year of life, and by Christmas the two were inseparable.

Spring of their senior year arrived and graduation was upon them. Sabina had big dreams and Eric admired her for them. Her immediate plans were to attend New York University for acting. They had both applied and been accepted. They planned on attending together in the fall. The way it looked they would have to live in separate dorms. Eric didn’t think they would be able to do that, so he had decided to propose to Sabina at graduation.

As the ceremony progressed Eric patiently waited for his cue. He had planned on giving her the ring right after they received their diplomas. They walked towards the stage, received their diplomas, and before exiting the stage area, Eric knelt down on one knee and opened the ring box he held. Sabina felt the tears streaming down her face. She knew this moment was inevitable, but was still completely shocked by it.

“Sabina, will you marry me?” Eric grinned up at her.

Sabina nodded. “Yes!” She pulled him up and kissed him. The auditorium erupted in applause. Sabina looked around and remembered where they were. She giggled and pulled Eric off the stage and back to their seats.

Sabina and her mother quickly planned a wedding for July so that Eric and Sabina could live together at school. They had the perfect life. They graduated from NYU together and both laded roles in the same play. They traveled with this company for a year before Sabina got her big break. She was offered a role in a new Broadway play. They moved to New York and Sabina began her life long dream.

Life was good for them, until one night when Eric was on his way to the theatre to see Sabina perform. He was running late and decided to walk from their brownstone to the theatre. He was almost there when a car came screeching around the corner. Eric was unable to get out of the way. The car hit him and he went flipping over the hood and roof of the car.

Unaware of her husband’s ill-fated accident Sabina went on as planned. She put on her best performance to date. After the show, the director came to her dressing room. Sabina turned when she saw his worried look in the mirror. “Hey Steve, what’s wrong?” Sabina asked, then teased. “It looks like you lost your best friend.”

Steve just stood there. He had lost a good friend. He had no idea how to tell Sabina about Eric’s accident. He decided to just tell her the truth. “Sabina, I have some bad news.” He paused. “It’s Eric. He was in an accident. He’s not going to make it.”

Sabina gasped. “What happened? Where is he?” Sabina began to pace the room.

“He’s at the hospital. We need to get you there right away.” Steve motioned for her to follow him.

Sabina grabbed her jacket and headed for the stage door. “Steve, where are you going?” She asked when he didn’t follow her.

“You can’t go that way. The presses are out there, they already heard about Eric. We have to go out the front doors, there is a limousine waiting for you. Come on.” Steve led Sabina through the house of the theatre and out the front door. The paparazzi were waiting for her. The flashes exploded as she exited the theatre.

The ride to the hospital was extremely tense. Sabina sat quietly wondering about the fate of her husband. When they pulled up to the hospital they noticed the press swarming the hospital entrance. Sabina swung the door open and exited the limousine. She walked toward the doors with her head bowed, trying to shield herself from the invasion of the press. She walked to the information desk and inquired about Eric. The young lady informed her that Eric was still in surgery, but she could wait in the waiting area.

Steve led Sabina to the area and bought her a cup of coffee. They sat in complete silence. The doctor finally approached them. Steve grabbed a hold of Sabina’s trembling hand and waited to hear the news.

“Mrs. Byrnes, we couldn’t repair all of the internal damage that your husband sustained. He is still in critical condition. We doubt that he’ll make it through the night. If you’d like to see him, I’ll take you to his room.

Sabina nodded. She tried to comprehend what the doctor was telling her, but everything seemed fuzzy. She began to follow the doctor to Eric’s room. The sight of his bruised and bloody body would be something she’d never forget. She walked to his bedside trying to ignore the machines keeping her husband alive.

“I’ll leave you alone with him. You need to make some decisions. Your husband isn’t going to wake-up. You need to decide if we should turn off the life support system.”

Sabina wiped the tears from her face. She looked at her hand, which was now coated with smeared make-up and realized the she still had her costume and make-up on. She looked at Eric again. He never missed one of her performances. She didn’t know if she cold go on without him but had to let him go. “Doctor.” She said stopping him. “Eric wouldn’t want to go on like this.” She cried again. “I want you to turn the machines off.”

“Are you sure?” The doctor asked.

Sabina once again nodded. Her voice was barely a whisper. “I’m sure.”

“I’ll get the nurse and all the paper work.” He left her alone with her husband and Steve.

“Sabina are you sure about this?” Steve questioned her decision.

“Yes. Eric would have never wanted to be in a coma forever.” Sabina grabbed Eric’s bandaged hand.

The doctor and nurse returned, had Sabina sign the necessary papers, then switched the ventilator off. They stood and watched as the heartbeats on the monitor slowed, than flat lined. They documented the time of death and left the room.

“Sabina.” Steve didn’t know what to do for her.

Sabina held her hand up to silence him. She didn’t want to hear what he had to say. All she wanted to do was to make everything go away. She began to sob. What was she going to do without Eric? Sabina sat and held Eric’s hand until the funeral home came to take the body away.

The next couple of days were a blur for her. Sabina walked around in a daze. Everyone kept telling her how sorry he or she was. Sabina would smile and thank them, more out of habit, then actual gratefulness. Her life began to feel like it wasn’t her own. Time began to slip away and Sabina continued to distance herself from the world. She was offered major roles in plays all over the world, but she refused every single one of them.

Months went by before Sabina even began to face the public again. She wasn’t herself anymore; she was a role she began to play. She was no longer the sweet person she’d always been. She was cold and distant. It was almost like her heart was missing.

Sabina finally contacted her agent after a year of not performing. He more or less laughed at her.

“Sabina, the roles have stopped coming in. Everyone thought that you had disappeared.” Her agent informed her.

I had. Sabina thought to herself. “Well as you can tell, I didn’t. I want you to do your job and find me the best role you can.” Sabina demanded.

“Sabina, honestly, I don’t know what I can get for you. I’ll work on it and get back to you.” He was shocked at her demand.

“I’ll expect to hear from you soon.” Sabina hung up the phone before he could say anymore to her.

She looked in her mirror and thought to herself. I’m 27 years old, with stunning beauty. How many people wouldn’t want to hire me?

A few days went by before her agent called her back. “OK Sabina, it’s not the greatest role in the world, but it’s all I could get an audition for.”

Sabina gasped, “Audition! I have to audition!? Why!?”

He wanted to laugh at her, but he knew that she’d had a tough year. “Sabina, it’s been a year. What did you expect?”

Sabina huffed slightly, than realized what he was saying. “When do I have to audition?”

“Tuesday at three. Should I tell them to expect you?”
“Yes. You better make sure I get this role.” Sabina hung up.

Tuesday arrived and Sabina went to the audition. She prepared for the role and had it perfected. When she left the audition she had a gut feeling that she had the role. The play was a traveling group performing “Grease”. She’d loved the play and performed in it in high school. She’d played Sandy, but today had auditioned for the role of Rizzo.

The group performing the play was the original cast. Sabina got word the next day that she was hired for the role. She signed a two-year contract and was told that she had two weeks to learn her role.

Sabina packed whatever she thought that she’d need and closed up her house. She was unsure when she’d be able to return to her haven on the sea.

The cast had heard rumors about Sabina, her husband’s death, and her change in attitude. They made life difficult for her. They were pushing all of her buttons trying to see how far they could push her. Sabina gave the role her all and refused to allow the cast to get to her. They started calling her the “Ice Queen”. Sabina laughed at their nickname for her. She guesses that the name fit and if it didn’t at first it did after she started acting like an ice queen. She found this easier to do than try to convince them that she wasn’t really like that.

A year went by and Sabina continued to travel with the production. The next person to vacate their role was the actor who portrayed Danny. The actor’s wife had become pregnant and was having a difficult pregnancy. He decided to stay with her instead of continuing his role.

A quick recast resulted in the role being assumed by a new recording artist, Joey McIntyre. He was a former teen idol, but hadn’t been in the limelight for half a decade. He joined the cast and had exactly two weeks to learn his role. He fit in with the cast perfectly.

One day during rehearsals he was talking to the actress playing Sandy. “Hey Kathy, why does she always sit out there alone?” He pointed to Sabina, who was scribbling in a book in the house of the theatre.

“You mean the ice queen? She’s always alone. She doesn’t socialize with the rest of us common folk. I think she thinks she is better than us.” Kathy laughed than returned to the practice.

Joe stared at Sabina. She was beautiful. He guessed her to be in her late twenties. Sabina Hums had bright fire red hair that she wore long and wavy. Her eyes were the color of bright emeralds. He could tell from the slight skin showing that her skin appeared milky and soft. He was instantly attracted to her. He spent the next couple of weeks finding out any information he could about her. Most of the actors said the same thing. ‘she’s cold’, ‘she’s unfriendly’, or ‘she’s very professional and just does her job’. Joe finally decided to talk to the crew about her.

Bill was the head stagehand and had been with the production from the beginning. Joe sat down to talk to him on afternoon. “Hey Bill, I was just wondering what’s up with Sabina? Does she date?”

“No man, she hasn’t dated anyone since she’s been in the cast. Pretty soon she’s gonna shrivel up and die.” Bill teased. “Probably take someone forever to melt her icy shell.”

Joe wondered why she was so cold. “Bill, do you know what made her act like that?” Joe really was concerned.

“I’m not sure. There are plenty of theories, but she acted that way from day one here. That’s why we refer to her as the ice queen.” Bill glanced out over his shoulder at Sabina. “Ya know if the shoe fits and all.” Bill laughed a hearty laugh.

Joe continued to watch Sabina. She came in prepared, performed like a professional, and went home. He continued to ask around about her, but no one knew anything more than he already knew.

He had just finished a scene and was heading backstage when he literally ran smack into Sabina. “Sorry.” Joe apologized.

Sabina just glared at him, than continued on her way. She didn’t even give him a second glance.

“I told you she was made of ice.” Bill said, walking up beside Joe.

Someone must have really hurt her bad. Joe thought to himself. “I have to find out what happened to her.” He didn’t realize that he said that out loud until Bill answered him.

“Good luck. No one can get close enough to her.” Bill told him.

“I bet I can.” Joe felt that he was God’s gift and any woman would swoon over him.

“You’re on.” Bill stuck his hand out. “Let’s see if anyone else wants in on this.” Bill began to ask the rest of the stagehands and by the end of the performance most everyone was in on the bet and no one thought that Joe could pull it off.

Joe accepted the bet and began to plot how he would melt the “Ice Queen”. As the weeks went on, Joe began to research Sabina’s past. He really couldn’t find anything helpful at first, then one day while surfing the Internet he found an article detailing Sabina’s career. In the article was mention of her devoted husband, Eric. Joe realized that Sabina used a different name for the stage. When Joe searched again under Sabina Byrnes, he found a bunch of articles detailing Eric’s death and Sabina’s reaction to it.

Joe felt a tinge of guilt about the bet, but began to think of how he could bed Sabina. Women never resisted his charms. Sabina didn’t seem to be the chocolate and flowers kind of girl, so he had to find a way to get to know her. He contemplated just introducing himself to her and asking her out, but soon realized that she might see through that. He thought about her further, her fire red hair made her quite attractive. He wondered what she was constantly scribbling in the leather bound book she always carried, perhaps, that was the key.

Maybe I could use her husband as a way to get closer to her. Joe thought. Would that be too cruel? He questioned. Joe spent most of the night pondering his way to get close to her.

As the weeks go by a shake-up occurred in the cast giving Joe an opening to get to Sabina. Out of the blue the actress portraying Sandy gets bumped from her role. The director approached Sabina after the news was known.

“Sabina, would you be willing to assume the role of Sandy?”

“Why?” Sabina questioned.

“If you haven’t heard yet, Kathy has been moved from this cast to the Broadway cast. We need a new Sandy and thought that you’d be good in the role.”

Sabina really loved the role of Sandy. She wouldn’t mind a change and was already familiar with the role. “Sure, when do I start?”

“Friday’s performance will be your first.”

“Friday! That doesn’t give me much time!” Sabina informed him.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine. Ask Joe if he would practice with you. Tell him that I suggested it. Also make sure you get to wardrobe today to have the costumes adjusted for you.” He walked away from Sabina.

Sabina hurried off to find Joe. She found him goofing around with a few of the stagehands and other actors. God she hated having to ask him for help, but she had to. She walked up to the group and barked. “Joe, the director ordered you to practice with me. I’m going to take over the role of Sandy.”

Joe thought for a moment. This is what I’ve been looking for. “Sure, when is good for you?” Joe flashed his gorgeous smile.

Shocked at how easy that was Sabina just stood there starring at him. “What did you just say?”

“When do you want to practice? I’ll help you whenever you want.” Joe laughed slightly. He’d never seen her this silly before.

Trying to recompose herself Sabina quickly asked, “How’s tomorrow morning?” She stared still in awe.

“Fine, I’ll see you then.” Joe turned and walked away from Sabina with a huge smile on his face.

The next morning Sabina arrived early at the theatre. She entered the stage door and walked to the stage. Joe was sitting in the house waiting for her. When she walked onto the stage he starred in awe at her. I’m going to do this. He thought to himself. With that boost of confidence he stood and headed towards the stage.

“Good morning.” Joe smiled.

“Morning.”

“Where do you want to begin?” Joe asked as he walked towards her.

“How about at the beginning.” They began rehearsing and Sabina was amazed at just how good looking Joe actually was. He joked around with her and even made her laugh.

For the next two days, Joe and Sabina met and ran through their lines and by the time she took over the role she was perfect. Joe really enjoyed working with her. He’d almost forgot about the bet he made with the stage crew.

Months went by and Joe finally found the nerve to ask her out after a performance. He went to her dressing room and hesitated before knocking.

“Come on in.” Sabina yelled through the closed door.

“Hello Sabina. You were fabulous tonight.”

“Thanks Joe, so were you.” She loved how easy it was to talk to him. He was the only member of the cast that she could really talk to. She’s dropped her icy exterior around him. She continued to remove her make-up as he stood watching. She finally realized that he was staring at her. “What?” She asked.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare.” God she’s beautiful Joe thought to himself. “The rest of the cast is going out tonight. Do you want to go with them?”

“I don’t think they’d want me to go.” Sabina turned to face him. Her face was long. “I don’t think they like me all that much.”

“Don’t go for them then, go for me.” Joe smiled at her.

“You’re sweet, but I think I’d rather just go back to my room.” She turned back around and looked at Joe’s reflection in the mirror. She could see the disappointment in his face. She thought about how much fun it would be to go out for a change. “On second thought, I think I’d like to go with you.” She stood and picked up her clothes. “Give me about ten minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Great! I’ll wait for you outside.”

Sabina entered her bathroom to change. Joe noticed her journal sitting on the counter by the mirror. I wonder what she writes in there. He thought to himself. She’d never miss it if I took it and brought it back tomorrow. He was about to grab it and leave when Sabina came out of the bathroom.

“I thought you were going to wait for me outside.”

“I was then decided to walk you out.” Joe fibbed. “Are you ready to leave?”

“Yeah let’s go.”

Joe and Sabina sat at a table by themselves at the restaurant. As the night progressed they talked about their childhood. They found out that they were more alike then they realized, both found their love for performing at an early age and they both grew up in Catholic families. Joe shared some of his early Catholic school stories and Sabina laughed at them. That was the first time Joe really saw her laugh. As the night continued the two of them became more and more open with the other. The only thing that Sabina never brought up was her husband and the details about his death. This really intrigued Joe. They were on their second bottle of wine when Sabina finally suggested that she head back to her hotel room.

“Let me take you.” Joe paid the bill and walked Sabina back to her room. When they got there Sabina fumbled with the key before Joe took it from her and unlocked the door for her. He handed the key back to Sabina.

“I had a great time. I haven’t drank that much in a long time.” She felt a bit light headed and out of control but she liked it. She hated having to pretend to be cold all the time. She placed a hand on Joe’s arm. “Thanks again. I’d better get some sleep.” Before she could pull away Joe grabbed her and kissed her.

A bit shocked Sabina pulled back and asked. “Why did you do that?” She wasn’t pleased that he was so forward with her.

“You looked beautiful standing there and I wanted to kiss you. Is that so terrible?”

Sabina didn’t know what to say. She liked the kiss, but didn’t want to get involved with anyone. “Yes. You shouldn’t have done that.” She opened the door and stepped inside. She closed the door before Joe could say anything more. She leaned against the closed door. She breathed a sigh of relief. Her knees were shaking. That kiss had knocked her for a loop. She hadn’t been kissed like that in a long time. Hell, who was she kidding, she hadn’t been kissed at all in a long time, not since Eric. The thought of him made her sad. She felt guilty for having these feelings for another man.

Joe returned to the bar and continued to drink far into the night. This woman was driving him crazy. He knew that most women would be putty in his hands by this time in a relationship. Is that what this was, a relationship? They’d gone out to dinner a few times, but nothing ever happened. Tonight had been the first time he’d even tried to kiss her. God knows he had wanted to for quite some time, but he had never tried. Maybe that was because he got paid to kiss her every night. I know that those aren’t real kisses, but maybe they should be. Joe thought. He grinned, finished the last of his drink, then headed to his own room.

The next day was an off day for the cast. Joe decided to try to get a hold of Sabina and spend the day with her. When he got her room, he knocked, waited, then knocked again. She never answered. He wondered where she could have gone. Joe went about his day. Occasionally he would stop by Sabina's room, but she never answered the door all day. He thought that something might have happened to her. He considered asking at the front desk but ended up asking the director who he ran into at the bar later that night. "Hey, have you seen Sabina today? I've been looking for her all day."

"Yeah I talked to her early this morning. She took a couple of days off." He continued to drink his drink. "Oh, by the way, did you hear that they want both you and Sabina to take over the roles of Danny and Sandy on Broadway?"

Joe couldn't believe this news. He'd always wanted to be in a Broadway play. "Wow! This is great news. Does Sabina know yet?" Joe wondered if she was going to take the job.

"I told her this morning. She's going to open her house back up. That's why she left the cast. She's not coming back."

Joe was shocked to learn this. "When do we have to be in New York?"

"By next month, sooner if possible."

"Can you get my understudy to replace me by next week?" Joe wanted to get to New York as soon as possible. He thought this down time would give him time to spend with Sabina.

"Sure. Oh by the way, I'm going to send Sabina's stuff from her dressing room to New York do you want me to send anything for you?"

"No, I can take it with me." Joe remembered that Sabina had left her journal in her dressing room the night before. I wonder if it is still there. He thought. Taking a chance that it might be Joe told the director. “Don’t worry about sending Sabina’s stuff I’ll just take it with me.”

Joe thanked the director again, then headed over to the theatre to pack his stuff. He first went to Sabina’s dressing room. He was pleasantly surprised when he found her journal exactly where it was left the night before. Joe was shocked at how easy it was. He hurried and packed her dressing room. He called the airport and got a ticket on the next plane to New York. He packed his room next and returned to his hotel room to pack the remainder of his belongings. He hurried to the airport and just barely caught his plane.

Once on the plane Joe made a few phone calls, one to his parents to tell then what he was doing, one to the landlord of his New York apartment, and the final one to the director of the cast to see if he had Sabina’s address so he could drop off her stuff. He wrote down the number than remembered her journal, which was safely hidden in his carry-on. He opened the leather-bound book and began to read it.

April 7, 1997

I’m so lost without you. I’m stumbling through the days since your departure. I miss you so much. Everyone keeps wishing me his or her deepest regrets. Do they realize just how much I actually need you to survive? I’m not sure that I’m going to make it. I keep wishing that I could go back in time and change the outcome of that devastating day, but alas I can’t and somehow I must move forward.

My parents are worried about me, but they just don’t understand. I can’t remember my life without you. They want me to move home with them, but I just can’t see how that would help me. I want to stay here with all of your things, our things.

Remember all of our dreams. We were supposed to conquer Broadway together. I’m nothing without you. As the days go by I realize that I can’t return to the stage without you. We are a team. I need you there to support me, to love me. What am I supposed to do without you?

April 14, 1997

A week has passed and I can’t seem to find a reason to get out of bed. The cards and flowers continue to pour in. My parents keep nagging me, but I’ve decided not to go with them. I sent them home today. My next problem is Steve and the show. He wants me to return for this weekend’s shows and I just can’t. I told him to find temporary replacement for the role. I can’t be expected to return so soon. How could I go on without you in the audience watching me? He promised he’d look into a temporary replacement for a week or so, but he expects me back soon.

I’ve begun to spend all my time going around in one of your favorite shirts. I haven’t been out of the house in so many days that I don’t even know what the weather is like.

September 12, 1997

Do you know how much I need you? Why did this happen to us? I’m so scared. I can’t seem to make it more than a couple of hours without crying. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Please come back to me. I can’t go on without you.

October 1, 1997

All of our dreams are not lost. I’ve been to the doctor today and he informed me that I’m pregnant. I’ve still got a piece of you to hold onto. I’ve informed Steve that I’m quitting the show for good. I need to get out of the city. I’ve bought a quaint little cottage on the ocean.

I’ve packed all my things and I’ve stored yours. Someday I’m sure I’ll be able to get them back out and share them with our child. I guess I don’t have to live without you after all.

October 16, 1997

I’m finally moved into the new cottage in Stratford and it’s perfect. I know you would have loved it here. My agents keep bothering me to return to work. I’ve tried to explain to them that you are the most important thing to our child and me. They just don’t understand.

Do you think that I’m doing the right thing? I’m sure you do.

December 1, 1997

I’m so sorry that I haven’t written, but I’ve been busy. I walk along the coast everyday. I’ve also been working on the baby’s nursery. I’m trying to pick out names. Oh how I wish you were here to help me.

January 2, 1998

I had a check-up today. Both the baby and I are all right. I can feel the baby move and kick. I’m playing music for it. I also sing to it all the time. I wish I had a tape of you to play, but I don’t. Oh how I miss you.

March 8, 1998

Hooray, I’ve made it to seven months. After you left us I was sure I’d never make it a week and here I am after seven months and I’m finally realizing that I need to move on for the baby’s sake. I’ve finally picked names. If it’s a girl I’m going to call her: Erica Danielle. And if it’s a boy his name will be: Bradley Eric. Either way I wanted them to have your name. Do you think I can ever tell our child how much you would have loved it?

April 7, 1998

Devastation struck today! I buried our daughter next to you. She was born two days ago, exactly eight months after your death. How could this world be so cruel? Please keep her safe. I want to join you. I can’t live without you love.

April 9, 1998

My parents have come to drag me home with them. They think I’m loosing my mind. Do you think I am? I’ve decided to go with them, but I can’t forget you or our child.

May 5, 1998

As the weeks go on and I try to cope with life I’ve begun to realize that I need to get back to the real world. I want to act again. I’m going to call my agent and see if I can get a role in something.

May 15, 1998

My agent laughed at me over the phone. He thought that I was joking when I said I didn’t understand why I had to audition. He finally found me a role in a production of “Grease”. I begin next week. I’m going to the house on the coast to close it up. I’m going to stop off in New York to visit you and Erica. I hope you are taking care of our little girl. I know she probably loves you as much as I do.

Joe’s reading was interrupted by the pilot’s announcement. “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We are now approaching New York and should be on the ground shortly. On behalf of the crew and myself, thank you for flying with us today.”

Joe closed the journal. Boy this woman has lived a rough life. He thought. He exited the plane, quickly grabbed his luggage, and hailed a cab. He gave the driver the address to his apartment and opened the journal to read more.

May 30, 1998

I've joined the cast of the production and have been real busy lately. I can't believe how these people are treating me. They whisper about me all the time and call me horrible names when they think I can't hear them. Well I do hear them! I don't understand why they think I'm so mean and cold.

Joe flipped through the journal and began to read an entry from about the time he began in the cast.

June 5, 1998

We have had a major recast. The actor that was playing "Danny" has been replaced with some has been musician. I think he thinks he's better that everyone else. He walks around joking with everyone and laughing all the time. I must admit that he has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. He is kind of funny too. I guess, but I don't trust him.

Joe laughed to himself. She noticed me. She sure didn't let on. She avoided me like the plague the first few months I was in the cast. She really didn't warm up to me until she had to. Once again Joe skipped ahead in Sabina's journal.

July 1, 1998

I've been offered the role of "Sandy". Can you believe it? I'm finally back at the top. The only problem is that I'll have to work more closely with Joe. I'm not sure I can stand it. I had to ask him to practice with me today. I thought he would give me a hard time, but he was very friendly and cooperative.

Joe once again skipped ahead to the very last entry in the journal written only two days ago.

August 3, 1998

I have a feeling I'm going to get the job on Broadway. I'm so excited. I've also been spending a great deal of time with Joe. I think I could be falling in love with him. I'm beginning to trust him a bit more. I gave the director of the Broadway production a stipulation: if they want me they have to take Joe too. I hope they go for it. I have come to rely on him to perform. He is becoming my support system, kind of like you were.

I've taken a week off from the show. I'm coming to visit you. I can't believe that it's been a year already. I feel like I aged a great deal over the last year.

I hope it doesn't bother you that I'm spending so much time with Joe. He makes me happy. And he makes me laugh. Since your death I haven't had much to laugh about. I have a feeling I'm going to stop writing in here. So until I see you again some day, I will always love you and our daughter.

Joe closed the journal. He looked at his watch and noted that today was the anniversary of Eric's death. The taxi pulled up in front of his building. He paid the driver and had the doorman send his bags upstairs. He took the elevator to his apartment, hurried into the kitchen to grab the keys to his car and rode the elevator back down to the garage. He ran to his car and drove directly to the cemetery that Sabina's husband was buried in. He found the graves and noticed the fresh flowers. She had already been there. He hopped back into his car and drove up the coast to Stratford. He stopped once and asked for directions to Sabina's house. When he arrived at the small whit cottage there was a warm glow coming from the house and the front door was standing open. Joe grabbed the box of Sabina's things and headed to the door. He knocked on the screen door and when no one came to the door he opened it. He yelled. "Anyone home?" Yet again no one answered. He stepped inside the house and placed the box on the foyer floor. The house was very quaint. The rooms were cozy and comfortable. It was extremely cold and there were the remnants of a fire burning in the fireplace. There were candles light in every room, but Sabina was nowhere to be found. As Joe walked through the house he noticed curtains blowing in the dinning room. He walked to the open sliding door and out onto the small patio.

He hoped that Sabina would be setting out there, but she wasn’t. He was just about to return to the house when he heard her sobs echo. He turned and glanced out towards the water. He barely noticed her. As he walked out towards the ocean he could see her curled in a ball in the sand. She was wearing just a t-shirt and jeans. He could hear her crying and wasn’t sure that he should disturb her. He thought he should at least make sure she was all right before he left her there alone. He was beginning to really like her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and Sabina jumped, frightened and surprised from his presence.

She looked up at Joe, tears staining her beautiful face. Joe noticed how cold she was; "You’re freezing. Let’s get you back inside."

"No, not yet," Sabina cried.

Joe took off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders. He sat next to her in the sand. "You need to get inside and warm up."

"I don’t want to go in yet." Sabina continued to stare absently out at the ocean.

"Sabina, you’re too cold." Joe reached over and rubbed her arms trying to warm them up.

"I can’t feel anything anyway." Sabina turned to look at him. "I haven’t really been able to feel anything for awhile." She laid her head on Joe’s chest and cried. He wrapped his arms around her trying to keep her warm. They sat like that for awhile before Joe finally broke away and stood. He bent back over and picked her up. He carried her back into the cottage and placed her on a chair near the fireplace. He put another log on the fire and went to find some blankets. After he covered her up he went to make some tea for them. The entire time he was busy, Sabina sat in the chair and continued to cry.

Joe handed her the cup of tea. "You have to stop this. It can’t be doing you any good."

"What do you know about me?" She asked.

More than you know, Joe thought to himself. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because it’s the first anniversary of my husband’s death and I don’t know what else to do." Sabina sipped the tea that Joe had made her.

Joe sat on the ottoman in front of Sabina. He pulled the blanket tighter around her. "I understand that you miss him, but do you think he’d want you sitting out there freezing to death?"

Sabina couldn't deny that Eric would never have wanted her to suffer like this. He would have wanted her to get on with her life. Instead of agreeing with Joe she simply asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I brought your stuff from your dressing room. The director gave me your address." But I really wanted to make sure you were all right, Joe thought.

"Oh, so I guess you heard about Broadway," she played dumb. She knew that he'd already gotten the role, but didn't want to let him know that she knew.

"Yeah, I'm so excited. I can hardly wait to begin. I've taken some time off before I begin."

"You got a role too?" Sabina acted surprised.

"Of course, didn't you know that?"

"No, I was talking about me." She sat there silent for what seemed like forever. He was staring directly at her. "I'm going to be fine, you can leave." She gave him a slight giggle. "You probably think I'm insane don't you?"

Joe's heart went out to her, "No, not insane, maybe depressed, but not insane."

Sabina gave him a slight smile, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being her, understanding, just being you."

Joe stood up and picked up the poker for the fireplace. He adjusted the logs and added another; he had a feeling that it was going to be a long night. They sat for hours just talking and by the time they finally couldn't stay awake another minute they pretty much knew all about the other.

Joe noticed that Sabina was falling asleep. He nudged her slightly. "Sabina time to go to bed." When he still only got a slight stir he decided to help her to bed. He picked her up and carried her into her bedroom. He placed her on the bed and covered her up. Afterward he picked up the cottage than laid down on the couch to get some sleep.

The next morning Sabina was surprised to wake up in her bed. She couldn't remember going to bed the night before. She quickly got out of bed to see where Joe was. She found him sound asleep on the couch. She recovered him with the blanket lying on the floor and returned to her room to change her clothes and pull her hair up into a messy ponytail.

Joe woke shortly after Sabina left only to find her room empty. Slightly worried Joe raced around the cottage looking for her. He noticed that her car was still in the garage. Remembering that he found her out on the beach the night before he ran out the sliding doors only to rum smack into her.

"Morning, are you al right?" Sabina asked with a slight amusement at his panicked state.

"I'm fine, I was just looking for you." He was happy to see her laughing. "What were you doing?"

"I took a walk on the beach this morning. I didn't want to wake you." She walked past him into the house. "What are your plans for the day?"

Joe was shocked at her change in attitude. If he didn't know better he'd think she was a completely different person. "I don't have any plans for the next couple of days."

"Would you like to stay for lunch?"

"Sure, but let me make it. You can relax or do whatever you want."

"Sounds good, I'll go take a bath." Sabina waited for Joe to follow her into the cottage then turned and gave him a quick hug. "Thank you for last night." She turned and hurried off to the bedroom."

Joe retreated to the kitchen to see what Sabina had in there. It wasn't much, but he managed to find the ingredients for a salad and a whole bunch of fresh fruit. By the time that Sabina was done with her bath Joe had the table set and candles lighted. They ate quietly at first, then warmed up and continued their discussion about their pasts from the night before.

Sabina stood to clear off the table. Joe grabbed her hand. "Sit back down, I'll do that." Joe cleared the table and when he was done they went to sit on the porch. "It's really beautiful here."

"Thanks. I found it shortly after Eric died. It was supposed to be my little haven," her face turned solemn.

Joe moved across the patio to comfort her. He ran his hand down her cheek. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," Sabina smiled.

"That's what I like to see," Joe leaned closer to her and before he knew it they were kissing. When he finally pulled back Sabina tried to get up and run off, but Joe held on to her. "Don't run."

"Joe, I . . ."

Joe placed a finger over her mouth to silence her. "Don’t." Joe kissed her again, this time more passionately. Joe wanted to sweep her up and carry her off to her bedroom to make love to her, but he knew it was too soon. Instead when he pulled away this time he simply asked, "Would you like to go to do the tourist thing in New York with me?"

Sabina laughed at him, "I used to live there you know."

Joe gave her a quick peck on the nose, "I know silly. I just thought it would be fun." Joe pushed her towards her room, "Go pack!" Joe hit her bottom to get her to hurry along. As she walked out of the room Joe continued to talk to her, "We can stay at my apartment. I just had it opened for while I’m doing the play." He walked around the cottage straightening everything.

Sabina joined him in the family room when she was finished packing. "I have to close-up the cottage."

"I’ll help." With that they both hurried around the cottage packing things up, throwing sheets over the furniture and cleaning out the refrigerator. They were soon on their way down the coast to New York.

Sabina followed Joe through the city street to his apartment building. They exited their cars and Joe helped Sabina carry her bags up to his apartment.

The next couple of days they were constantly together, they went to the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, The Empire State Building, The Museum of Modern Art and even managed to see a few shows. Sabina had lightened up considerably. She realized that she was falling deeply in love with him about the middle of the second day that they spent together.

They stopped by the theatre to check in with the new director and noticed that Bill, the stage manager from the other production, was working for this cast.

He was the first to approach Joe and Sabina. "Hey guys, glad to see that you made it here," he noticed how cozy they were getting. "Sabina, you should go see your new dressing room, it’s huge." He wanted to get Joe alone.

"I think I will," she turned and gave Joe a quick kiss before heading to the dressing room.

"What are you doing here today?" Bill asked Joe.

"Checking everything out and getting ready to return to work."

"So how the bet coming?" Bill got a big smirk on his face.

"I think we should drop the bet. I’ve decided to take it slow with Sabina. I really like her and I don’t want to rush her into anything." Joe glanced around to make sure that Sabina wasn’t around anywhere. "You just don’t understand, I think I’m falling in love with her."

Bill chuckled, "Okay the bets off. Good luck with the ‘Ice Princess’."

Joe walked away from Bill hoping that Sabina would never learn about the bet. He found her in her dressing room on the phone. "Yeah I’ll see you in ten minutes. Bye," she hung up the phone and turned to Joe.

"Who was that?"

"One of my friends from school. She wants to meet me for lunch. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all. When should I expect you?"

"Well, we’ll probably go shopping or something after lunch. I’d say I’d be home by dinner time." Sabina stood and straightened her dress in the mirror. She leaned over and kissed Joe. "Is that all right with you?"

"That’s fine. I’ll make a special dinner for you." He kissed her again before walking her out.

At a quarter till five, Sabina came through the front door carrying an armload of packages. She was smiling and had obviously had a great day. She found Joe sitting in his den working on something. She walked over to him and kissed him. "Hello, how was your afternoon?"

"Great and I can see by you pleasant demeanor that you had a great day too." He turned in his chair and pulled her down on his lap. "Are you ready for dinner yet?"

"I’m not all that hungry." She ran a hand down his cheek, then kissed him.

"Good cause I have other plans for you." He pulled a box out from under his desk. "I did a little shopping today too."

"Joe, you shouldn’t have," she gave him a quick kiss. "I’m glad you did, but you really shouldn’t have."

"That’s okay, it’s something for both of us." Joe grinned, "Open it!"

Sabina opened the gift and found an ivory lace negligee. She gasped. "It’s so beautiful."

Joe kissed her hard on the lips. "Go put it on!"

Sabina hesitated for only a minute before she stood to leave. She turned back towards Joe. "I need to tell you something," she paused, leaned over and kidded him again, then said, "I love you." She turned to leave, but Joe grabbed her hand.

Joe kissed her again. "I love you too. Go get changed and meet me back in my room. I have another surprise for you." He kissed her one last time before she took off to her room.

About five minutes later Sabina appeared outside Joe’s bedroom in her new outfit. She knocked lightly on the door and was surprised when it flew open. "Joe, are you in here?" She asked before walking into the room. She’d never been in Joe’s bedroom before. It was done in all dark navy hues and wood. There was a huge four-post bed in the middle of the room and Joe was standing at the end of it. There were candles all over the room and rose petals covered the bed.

Sabina walked over to Joe who quickly swept her up in his arms. "You look better than I could ever imagine. Are you sure this is what you want?"

She kissed him again to both reassure him and herself that this was what she wanted. "I’m sure."

They began to undress each other slowly and lovingly. Joe carried her to his bed placing her there gently. He kissed her then said, "I love you."

They made love for the first time like it was the first time for both of them. They fell asleep in each other's arms. The next morning Joe awoke first and laid there staring at Sabina sleeping. She was so peaceful and happy. He was so glad he’d waited until now to sleep with her. Last night had been so special for him. He knew he loved her more than life itself and before long he’d ask her to marry him. He was mid-thought when Sabina smiled up at him.

He leaned down to kiss her nose. "Good morning sleeping beauty."

"Were you watching me sleep?"

"Yeah, you are beautiful."

"What time is it?"

"About 11 AM, why?"

"Oh my God! I have an appointment at the theatre at one. I have to go." Sabina tried to get out of the bed, but Joe pulled her back to him.

"Don’t leave me just yet. I wanted to spend all day in bed with you."

Sabina kissed him, "As much as I’d love to, I have to go." Sabina pulled away from Joe again.

Joe watched her walk out of his room. He laid there thinking of her. I can’t let her leave, he thought. He jumped out of bed and walked to her room. "Hey Sabina," Joe knocked on her door. "Can I go with you?" He opened the door and walked in, "We can go to dinner in the city afterward." He looked around, but she was already gone. Boy she got dressed fast, he thought. That’s all right, I’ll just meet her at the theatre. Joe went to get dressed.

By the time Sabina got to the theatre she was about half an hour late. She ran into the costume room. "I’m so sorry I’m late."

"That’s fine," the costume mistress said. "Let’s get started."

For the next hour Sabina was measures, re-measured and tried on numerous costumes. When she was finish she headed back to her dressing room, but stopped when she saw Joe standing there talking to Bill. She could hear Bill laughing and walked closer to let Joe know she was done. She stopped suddenly when she overheard part of their conversation.

"So Joe did you finally win the bet? The ‘Ice Princess’ looked extremely happy this morning when I saw her. There was a bounce in her step and I could swear that she was humming." Bill chuckled.

"Well I guess you could say that I finally won the bet." Joe laughed.

"So is she good or what?" Bill asked.

Before Joe could answer Sabina walked up and said, "Yeah Joe, was I good or what?" Joe gasped when he realized that she was standing there. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Sabina felt a range of emotions ass over her from anger to sadness. "So I was just a bet, a game between the boys and nothing more!" She was getting angry. "You made a fool out of me, Joe." Joe tried to say something but Sabina wouldn’t stand to hear excuses from him. "Don’t even bother. I loved you. I loved you." Sabina turned to leave, but Joe grabbed her. "Don’t fucking touch me!" She pulled away and ran out of the theatre. She ran down the block to where he car was parked. By now tears were streaming down her face, se glanced behind her once to see Joe come running out of the theatre chasing her. She hopped in her car, threw it in gear and screeched away form the curb.

Joe cursed as she pulled away. He ran back to his car and tried to follow her, but lost her. He tried to figure out where she could have been heading, but didn’t know.

Sabina continued to drive crying as she went. She knew where she had to go. She needed to be near him. She pulled through the wrought iron gates and down the familiar path. She stopped the car, grabbed her purse and her journal out of the glove box and got out of the car. She walked the short distance to the all-familiar haven. She knelt down and ran her finger over the letters carved in the cold marble. She read the names of her husband and daughter. She picked up her journal and wrote:

Today I realized that my life was happy once again. I thought I’d replaced you, but I didn’t. You will be the only one that really loved me.

Sabina sat in silence starring out into the distance. Little did she know that Joe was heading to that very spot looking for her to explain what she overheard. She looked back at the tombstone and sighed. She thought of how ironic it was that her name was carved next to her husband’s. She opened her purse and grabbed the gun Eric convinced her she needed for security. She picked back up the journal in her other hand and wrote:

I was right all along; I can’t live without your love.

She placed the gun to her temple just as Joe’s car pulled into the cemetery. She looked at the tombstone in front of her and pulled the trigger, proving she really couldn’t live without his love.

The End

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