You’re Still Here

By: Stephanie Woodworth

Carrie pushed Ashlin’s stroller into the park hoping for at least a bit of solitude here. The press still wasn’t leaving her alone, she wondered if they ever would. Dark glasses hid her pale gray eyes and a baseball cap concealed her blonde hair, it was her weak attempt at a disguise. She wove her way through the park benches just happy to be out of the house and in the bright warm sun. There was a slight smile on her lips and a spring in her step.

Even the 6-foot tall wall following her that was hired to protect her couldn’t dampen her mood. The sun felt wonderful and it was just what she needed. She’d been trapped in that damned house for far too many days. Josh would have never wanted her to have to stay cooped up in their home like that.

“I’m going to stop here,” she said sarcastically over her shoulder. She stopped her daughter’s stroller and picked the toddler up out of her seat. “Ashlin, want to swing?” Carrie glanced over at her “protector” as if asking his permission before heading in the direction of the swings leaving the stroller in his care. “We’re big girls, we can take care of ourselves,” she said quietly to her eighteen month old daughter. Trying to reassure the child but also trying to calm her nerves that were on edge.

She tightened the seatbelt on the swing and listened with glee as her daughter laughed when she lightly pushed the swing. Carrie loved the sound of it, listening to how much it sounded like Josh’s laughter when out of nowhere he was standing off by the slide. “It can’t be,” she gasped. Her heart began to race and she took off running leaving Ashlin alone in the swing. Just as she was about to reach the slide it was as though he turned and walked away.

When Mike finally made it over to her, Carrie had fallen to her knees and was crying. “Carrie,” he said soothing. He wasn’t as bad as she made him out. He was there to protect her. Some maniac had killed her husband and everyone wanted to protect her. She sometimes found it hard to allow them to. Most of the time she wanted to join Josh; join him in his eternal slumber. If it weren’t for their daughter she would. “Carrie, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, continuing to cry. She looked up to see that Mike had stopped to pull Ashlin from the swing. “I think I have to go back home. Maybe I’m not ready to be out yet.” Maybe this was all too soon for her. Her mind was playing tricks on her. For she was sure that she’d just seen Josh in the park, yet that wasn’t possible because he was gone, gone for good.

Josh’s death was hard on her. It was something new everyday, the look in Ashlin’s eyes, the same intense shade of blue as Josh’s, or even pictures spread throughout the house from vacations, their wedding, Josh’s early life, and their life together.

Thought I saw you today / You were standing in the sun then you turned away / And I knew it couldn’t be / But my heart believed / Oh, it seems like there’s something everyday / How could you be so far away / When you’re still here / When I need you you’re not hard to find / You’re still here / I can see you in my baby’s eyes / And I laugh and cry / You’re still here

Josh appeared out of the shadows dressed in a pale silver suit and matching wings. “Josh,” Carrie whispered, reaching out for him. He swept her up in his arm and … and … Carrie began to thrash in the king-sized bed as she fought to stay asleep in the remaining moments before she awoke from the dream. But all she managed to do was tangle herself in her blankets. “Josh,” she screamed trying to sit up, but couldn’t. Josh had come to her. He was beautiful. He had taken her hand and they’d flown away. It was all so beautiful, all so perfect like a painting. Almost like it wasn’t real. The hues of the sky the most pale blues, the clouds the perfect shapes, the birds chirping ever so slightly; maybe it wasn’t real. Carrie unwrapped herself from her blankets and pulled her legs up to her chest hugging them to her tightly. She could smell Josh’s cologne as though he’d been standing in the room.

“Are you here? Can you hear me?” She stared out into the darkness. “Josh?” Was she going crazy? “Josh, I miss you so much.”

Now unable to sleep she climbed from their bed and made her way down the dark hall to their daughter’s room. A place she often went at night when she couldn’t sleep. She sat down in the rocking chair and lightly ran a finger down Ashlin’s tiny arm and pulled it back as the child flinched. This was real. The dream wasn’t, like many others over the past few weeks. Life was going on for her and Ashlin and not for Josh. Even though he was gone, he was still there; he was everywhere.

Carrie stood, walking around the room before running her hand over the crib that sat in the corner of Ashlin’s room. The crib that would hold the baby she was carrying. A part of Josh that had yet entered this world, yet another part of him that she’d have to face every day, everywhere. She ran her hand over her slight stomach and thought of him, of the love that she’d have to give this child for both of them.

I had a dream last night / That you came to me on silver wings / And I flew away with you on a painted sky / And I woke up wondering what was real / Is it what you see and touch or what you feel / ‘Cause you’re still here / Oh you’re everywhere we’ve ever been / You’re still here

It had only been a week since her day in the park and Carrie was again going to try entering the real world. She’d been invited to lunch with Tony and couldn’t turn him down. She walked slowly into the tiny bistro that they frequented often, but instead of the normal table in the back she opted for a table outside under the awning. She needed change, needed something that wouldn’t totally reminder her of him. As Tony entered the small restaurant she had to wave him over.

“This is different,” he said, leaning down and kissing her cheek.

Carrie smiled up at him, “I hope you don’t mind.” She took a sip of her iced tea. “I needed a change.” In actuality, she’d just sat there starring at their table remembering all the times they’d spent there laughing discussing songs or just being regular guys. Things the fans didn’t see. She looked down and when she looked back up there were tears brimming in her eyes. “I miss him so much.”

Tony reached out and touched her hand. “I know.”

Carrie stood, “I’m sorry, I thought I could do this. I thought I could go on without him but I can’t. I have to go.”

Tony grabbed hold of her hand and wouldn’t let go. “No, wait, I need to tell you about some stuff that happened that night.” He looked at her more seriously. “It’s really important.” She quietly sat back down and listened. “He couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved you and Ashlin.” Tony nervously fidgeted in his seat and Carrie could tell that this was hard for him. He was her last link to Josh. “He didn’t even know what happened. We’d been out clubbing and the gunshots rang before any of us knew what was going on. I still don’t know how only Josh got hit.” Tears were slowly sliding down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry Carrie. I wish it had been me instead. I’m so sorry.”

Carrie held his hand tightly and didn’t hear anything else that he said. All she heard was the light laughter wafting through the air and swore that it was Josh’s laughter. It was his light and infectious laughter that she could listen to for hours. She turned and looked around the bistro trying to find the source of the wonderful sound, but she couldn’t see anyone laughing. Then she heard it again. “Do you hear that?”

“What?” Tony looked at her dumbfounded. He was still apologizing.

“That laughter. Can you hear it?”

He looked at her strangely. “I can’t hear laughter. Are you okay?”

She smiled. “I’m fine. I’m fine and everything will be just fine.” She looked up at Tony. “Josh had a great friend in you. Don’t let it eat you away, Tony, he loved you very much and would have wanted you to know that. I’m just grateful that he was with people that loved him.” Carrie stood and looked around again as she heard the laughing. “I forgot about an appointment. Thanks for lunch.”

Tony stood and tried to stop her. “But we didn’t eat. Carrie!” he yelled after her but she was gone.

Carrie slowed the car as she pulled in front of the house. It had been a long day. After Tony had left the bistro she’d returned and found the source of the laughter, a cook in the kitchen. She stayed as long as they’d let her so she could listen for him to laugh. When he finally went home she had no choice but to return to her house.

She sat quietly with her head resting on the steering wheel. She missed him deeply. When she looked up at the house she thought she was going insane, there he was again. Standing along side the house among the row of trees that grew there; he was just standing there smiling at her. His eyes sparkling in the late afternoon sun. She wanted to get out of the car and run to him, then remembered the day in the park. Instead she just sat there and stared at him and he finally turned away.

That was the last day that she’d seen him. She had made peace with Josh that day and let him go completely. She had their memories, their children and in her heart she’d always had his love.

I heard you in a stranger’s laugh / And I hung around to hear him laugh again / Just once again / Thought I saw you today / You were standing in the sun then you turned away

The End

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