Chris the Crocodile Hunter

By: Dayse

Chris was dressed in beige khaki pants and a matching shirt, his eyes were bright as he fiddled with the camcorder he had swiped from Joey's bag. Flicking it on, he held it out in front of him and smiled, started to speak in a thick Australian accent. "Hello! This is Chris the crocodile 'unter, up early this mornin' on the NSYNC tour bus, lookin' for the *dangerous* and *venomous* boy band members. You gotta git up early to catch these mates, come along, let's take-a look…!"

Crouching down low as he made his way towards the kitchen area, the camera up to his eye, Chris smiled happily; Justin was sitting at the small booth, eating his cereal and looking blankly out the window. "Aha! We're lucky this mornin'! Here we got a very rare, and special breed of boy band, known to the locals as Curlyious Plentyious for his wild mane of hair, used to attract his prey, the wild teenyboppers abundant in this land. Let's see if we can git a betta look."

Maneuvering closer, Chris zoomed the camera up close to Justin's mouth. "Note the sharp teeth and pouty lips, these serve a several purposes, such as eating, singing, and mating. Now we must be very careful, for this breed has been known to be quite cranky in the mornings…"

Justin looked up at the voice, turned to see Chris gawking at him. "What the fuck are you - "

"Ah! I've been spotted! We must be very careful now, they tend to bite. Notice the position of the arms and legs, I think I mighta upset this beautiful creature....Let's see if we can get closer."

"Chris!" Justin flicked a spoonful of cereal in his direction. "It's too early for this shit!"

Chris ducked, weaving dramatically as he zoomed back and forth with the camera. "It's attackin'! Watch the eyes as they narrow, the drawing back of his lips as he shows his dominance, he is trying to mark his territory."

Justin glared at Chris and stood, picking up his bowl and putting it in the sink before walking back towards the bunks. "Crazy, stoopid...No more Discovery for you!"

"It looks like Curlyious Plentyious is returning to his nest, most likely to sleep after another unsuccessful night of trying to mate with Britney, the Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher found RIGHT here in Sydney! Good day, mate, maybe we'll see you later on!"

Mumbling something under his breath, Justin crawled into his bunk and whipped the curtain shut. Chris swung the camera back around to look into it. "Now let's see if we can find the Poofu Albinous, another rare breed found only in these parts. With a little luck and a little work, I am sure we can find this silent but DEADLY creature relaxing in his natural habitat."

Chris paused, listening for a second. He swung the camera back around and turned it towards the front of the bus. "Oh, listen closely, mates, and you can hear the telltale signs of a nearby Poofu Albinous. Do you hear that? Poofu is workin', that's the tapping of a laptop's keys, a distinct and *beautiful* sound, often heard in the breaking dawn...Let's take a closer look!"

Running towards the sound, Chris only slowed when he caught a glimpse of Lance's head. He threw himself onto the rec room's couch and peaked over the back, aiming his camera towards Lance. "Ah, what a sight! From here you can see the tips of the Poofu's hair, carefully spiked as high as it will go. This is a sign of fertility to potential mates."

Lance frowned slightly, looking up, just missing Chris as he ducked. He removed one headphone and listened for a moment before shrugging and replacing it, bobbing his head slightly to the music.

"Whew, that was a close one, thought it nearly caught me that time!" Chris said, wiping his brow, his eyes wide. He stuck the camera back up and zoomed in on Lance's hands. "Notice the paws, they look almost *human*...These are perfect for tearing apart food, clothes, and documents that he does not want his fellow boy band members to see. Hey, let's try to get closer to this mysterious beast, while he is preoccupied..."

Chris crawled across the floor until he was under the table, his body by Lance's feet. "These are the creatures lower extremities, unlike the Curlyious Plentyious breed, this one is bipedal, and able to walk upright, jus' like you or me! Amazing isn't it?" Chris started to untie Lance's shoe.

Lance paused again, looking up and around in confusion, his foot tapped a little and Chris froze. "We must be very careful, the Poofu Alibinous, while silent is often *deadly*..." Chris continued to untie Lance's shoe.

Shaking his head a little, Lance turned up the volume on his walkman and continued to work, frowning a little at the screen.

"Ahh..." Chris succeeded in taking off Lance's shoe, then grabbed his ankle, giving it a tug. "We must be quick now! Notice this odd second skin that seems to coat the creatures feet! This is used to keep his sensitive appendages warm and safe from the cruelties of his environment!"

Lance yelped and sank down in his seat, gripping at the table to try and pry himself loose. "Chris!" he yelled, kicking him with his free foot. "Leggo of me you freak!"

"I'm under attack!" Chris cried, but he didn't let go, keeping his hold on Lance's foot as he stuck the camera up near his toes. "His toes are pristine, notice the obvious evidence of a pedicure, this creature is FOND of self-grooming, as right it should, it is quite handsome! Ow!" Chris laughed, "Oh, it got me good that time!"

"Chris!" Lance continued to kick him. "Let me go!"

"It is a shame that we are not able to see the grooming procedure! Now let's get out of here, the Poofu Albinous is well known for his *hair-pulling* strike, also known as the Girly Attack-"

Lance's foot connected with Chris' ribs and he howled in pain before quickly crawling away, yelping again when Lance's shoe connected with his back. He gasped and fell back against the wall, holding the camera up to his face again. "Nearly didn' git away that time, mates...But it was worth it, what an experience!" He pulled up his shirt and let the camera zoom in on his ribs. "Notice the diminutive, but make no mistake *painful* bruise, the Poofu Albinous is best left alone while it's goin' 'bout its business!"

A light snore coming from the bunks made Chris look up, his ears perking. He lifted the camera and stood into a low crouch. "Oh, this is a special day indeed! Not only have we seen the Curlyious Plentyious and the Poofu Albinous, but now it appears we may see the ever changing and hibernating Spazz Crackonius. This one is known for his rapid shifts in mood and demeanor, he is quite unpredictable in his beahviour but perhaps is one of the easiest to track!"

Moving up to JC's bunk slowly, Chris reached up to draw the curtain, quickly pulling back his hand at the last moment. "I'm nervous, mates, the Spazz Crackonius does NOT like to be disturbed, and has a tendency to be quite vicious when awoken from his nap. But this is an opportunity that just can not be missed!"

Pushing aside the curtain slowly, trying not to make too much noise, Chris let the camera adjust to the dim light before speaking again in a quieter, hushed tone. "Notice the positioning of his blankets, they are wrapped around the waist and legs, and form a circle around the chest-area. This bundled display of sleep closely resembles a crow's nest." Chris poked JC's thigh.

JC sighed and turned onto his stomach, his face away from Chris, his nose pressed up against his pillow.

"This species of Spazz Crackonius is often *vampiric* feeding on the blood of prey, most often smaller, fury creatures. After he captures and drains them of their blood, he often wears their coats himself, to protect himself from harsh elements. What a clever animal!"

Reaching over carefully, Chris tugged down the back of JC's collar, and pointed to the clover-shaped mark on his neck. "Git in real close now and note this mark on the creature's neck. It is a sign of *ownership*, a clear signal to other predators and species, such as the Flirtious Maximous, to *stay away*. And it's my bet that that mark would match up with a certain Poofu Albinous we have encountered before."

"Lance..." JC sighed, murmuring into his pillow and shifting a bit on the bunk. Chris yelped softly and quickly moved away. He sighed, shook his head. "This breed has a tendency to be temperamental, let's move and see if we can find the Flirtious Maximus, often found in close proximity to *this* very area!"

Chris drew the curtain back slowly before backing away, his camera panning the area. "But first, let's take a moment to enjoy this bizarre and unusual habitat. The smell is quite different from any you will encounter anywhere else, and the air thick and muggy. The Poofu Albinous likes a *hot* climate and is the only creature who knows how to control this enviroment's weatha."

The camera moved down to the floor, and Chris kicked at a sock he had stepped on. "Notice the skins that litter the ground, all these different breeds, with the exception of the Poofu Albinous who also has a tendency to be quite volatile about such things, often shed their skin at both dawn and night time, and just leave them wherever they happen to fall."

Chris had just crouched down on the floor when an arm fell out of a nearby bunk, the hand nearly hitting him on the head. He jumped a little and quickly focused the camera in its direction. "Oh! The little bugga took me by surprise! Yes, you did!" He took the hand and held it carefully in his, wriggling the fingers slightly. "Notice the bear-like paw, quite different from that of the Poofu Albinous, these are specially designed for holding and touching." Chris squeezed the hand slightly. "The Flirtious Maximus can both be a gentle and aggressive mate."

Pulling the curtain back on the bunk, this time not bothering to be too quiet about, Chris looked down at Joey who was asleep on top of his covers, his mouth slightly open and his head tossed to the side. He smirked. "The Flirtious Maximus is resting afta what was no doubt a long night of engaging in its characteristic nocturnal activities."

Reaching out he put a fingertip to Joey's lower lip, holding it there for a long time. "This breed of boy band memba is just as vicious as the others, but I don't think he'd mind if we got a closa look. Notice the aesthetically pleasing facial features, if it were awake, you'd see the big brown eyes, often used to lull prey into a false sense of security."

Joey's lip drew in slightly as he slept, his brow furrowed.

"I got a confession to make, I am quite fond of this particular breed, notice the wide chest and arms, ideal for holding his mate at night, and..." Chris let the camera pan down to Joey's crotch, he pointed at the front of Joey's boxers, "...note the obvious attributes. This makes the Flirtious Maximus irresistible to several, potentially HARMFUL predators."

Chris lowered the camera and glared briefly at Joey's sleeping face. "If the fool'd just *listen* to me once in a while instead of just spouting off some bullshit about how he can take care of himself. Fucker."

Joey stirred and Chris quickly raised the camera again, focused in on the sleeping man's face and didn't say anything for a long time. "While nice to look upon, this creature also has several, SEVERAL, downfalls. It is stubborn and oblivious. This makes it a perfect victim to several of the cruelties that are out there in this harsh environment. He is much like the *chameleon*, blending it with its surroundings and totally unaware of how he effects those around him."

Chris paused for another long moment, just watching Joey sleep. "This is a breed that after much study I know plenty about, but I can never seem to learn enough. His diet consists mostly of fast food and pasta, and his vision is acute in that he can pick out potential mates from as far as six football fields away! But not when they are right in front of him. He has got 'Giddy Up' as his start up music for Windows. A very strange creature, indeed."

The battery on the camera was starting to die, and Chris sighed a little to himself, reached out to brush hair away from Joey's brow. "He also has a bizarre Master and Servant relationship with anyone he mates with, he seems unaware that sometimes people take advantage of his kindness." Chris leaned in a little, dropped his voice to a whisper. "Now I am about to attempt something potentially *dangerous* and life-threatenin', but..."

He kissed Joey lightly, his lips pressing against the part of Joey's mouth before he pulled away. Joey slept on, unaware, his legs stretched a little and he smiled dreamily.

Chris just sighed, leaned back again and drew the curtain closed. "Very dangerous," he muttered. Then he smiled and swung the camera back around to face him. "I'll be back NEXT week when he go into the dank and vile world of management. Perhaps we will see the Brown-Nosed Publicous Relationous, or the sticky fingered Lawyerous Evilous. Goodnight, mates!"

The End

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