Altered States

By: Jenna

+Chapter One+

Baby Steps

Still numb from from four hours ago, I was barely functioning and amazingly I found myself standing in the lobby of some damn cold looking medical plaza thing. I stared down at the yellow business card and looked up at the big board by the set of elevators trying to match up a name with a floor and a room number.

Finally I saw it jump out at me in black and white: Dr. Blake Worley, MD, PPHD, FDAMA, level four, suite 425.

I punched the arrow pointing up and suspiciously, the elevator doors opened immediately.

After the elevator’s computerized voice announced that I was on the fourth floor, I got off and followed the arrows pointing to suites 420 to 430. I took a deep breath as I stood outside of the navy blue steel door debating whether or not I really wanted to go through with this.

My parents insisted, hell, Kevin insisted. I guess I had to do this. I hated to, but I had to.

As I slowly entered the brightly lit waiting room, I was relieved to see that I was the only one there. A short, perky, red haired girl with green eyes who looked up at me from her desk, smiled broadly.

“You must be Nick,” she said cheerfully. “I’ll let Dr. Worley know you’re here.

I nodded slightly and took a seat over in a corner. I glanced at all the worn magazines that were strewn on the table next to me. Although there were a few Field and Stream copies, most of them were mainly People and National Geographic. Tissue boxes were strategically set at each and every table in the lobby and over in the far corner was a small plastic table and chair set, obviously for the children of his patients.

A door clicked open that led to another area of the office. A tall, dark tanned man with jet black hair and signs of greying in it, held the door open.

“Hi Nick? Dr. Blake, please, come in,” Dr. Worley smiled at me.

I reluctantly stood up and tugged nervously at my shirt, pulling it further down.

Gesturing towards a chair opposite of a big mahogony desk, Dr. Worley told me to have a seat. I quickly slumped into the offered chair, my eyes focusing on the pattern of the rug between my feet and the desk.

“I’ve had the chance to look over your chart yesterday,” Dr. Worley began.

Looking up at him, I saw a thin blue file folder in his hands. I found it sort of odd that he would already have accumulated information on me when I hadn’t even seen him yet. I decided a shrug of the shoulders was the best answer I could provide to his comments.

Dr. Worley set the file aside. “I would rather hear your words Nick, your story. I want to help you in anyway that I can, I want to do whatever it takes, okay? You have nothing to fear from me. All that is said in this office, behind this door, stays here so please don’t be afraid to talk to me.”

I knew damn well I was nervous and that it showed. I pasted a phony smile on my face and shook my head. Hell, who was I kidding? He’s a damn shrink, they know when you’re being untruthful.

“Um, ah, don’t I have to be laying on a couch or something?” I asked as I looked around the room.

Dr. Worley chuckled a little bit. “No Nick those are all preconceived notions, you can lay down if it would be more comfortable for you, sitting up face to face is better for us both unless you’re nervous.”

I stuck my left hand into my pants pocket, pulling out a fresh pack of cigarettes. “Can I smoke?”

Dr. Worley shook his head no. “Nick, this is our first session, I would prefer that you be focused on me and not on any distractions. I hate to see anyone smoke for that matter, but if this session starts off well, I will allow you one cigarette per sesson, alright?”

I shoved the pack back into my pocket.

Leaning back into the thick leather chair, Dr. Worley appeared to be deep in thought. “Nick, how long have you smoked?”

“Only a few months,” I replied casually.

“A few months? Something must have really stressed you out to start a habit like that with your voice being your trade,” Dr. Worley commented.

I stared at him for a few moments. I kept wondering how dumb can this guy be? He knew what the hell I was here for so he would know why the hell I started that damn habit to begin with.

“Um, yeah I guess so,” I mumbled, staring at the floor.

“So you said the stress began a few months ago?” Dr. Worley questioned as he was obviously fumbling with something on the edge of his desk.

“Yeah, well more likely several months ago, I just found that smoking helped me deal with it, I mean, it was either this or alcohol,” I replied. “Are you sure I can’t have at least one cigarette now?”

“Will it help calm you down to talk?”

“Yeah it will,” I replied quickly.

“You can have one,” the doctor replied as he pulled open a desk drawer and set a glass ashtray on the desk. “But you promise you’ll talk, alright?”

“I promise,” I stated as I stood up and slid the ashtray closer towards me. Pulling out a cigarette, I lit it and took a deep drag, feeling the smoke enter my lungs. They stopped protesting this assault awhile ago, now I seemed to crave it more than any other thing. I was hooked.

“Okay, I’m ready to listen to you when you’re ready to go,” Dr. Worley stated in a calm, soothing voice.

I nodded, indicating I heard him. This was going to be tough, I had no clue how to begin.

+Chapter Two+

Take it From the Beginning

“Frick, you’re being an idiot, you know that?” I called out at Brian as he was goofing around in the hotel room that we shared.

Brian cocked a lopsided grin towards me. “That’s why you love me!”

“Yeah, I guess. Are y’all packed?”

“Yep, just a few more momentos for Leighanne and I’ll be all set,” Brian replied as he walked over towards the dresser and started randomly opening up drawers.

I stared at him. “What are you missing?”

“My wallet, I thought I left it in a drawer,” Brian replied.

Looking at the distinct outline in his back pants pocket, I cleared my throat. “Ah, Bri, it’s in your pocket already.”

Brian’s face immediately flushed. “Oh, I must have forgotten that I put it in my pocket earlier.”

I could tell he was flustered at forgetting such a small detail. Last night he stepped on my words to a song during a concert. I was even noticing that he was starting to make up words to some parts in his part of songs, his face would have a funny look on it and then he would stumble over the words and then pass it off as a joke.

“No big deal, we’ve all done that before,” I laughed it off.

“True Nickolas, so very true,” Brian replied with a relieved look on his face. He seemed to be glad that I was dropping the subject. He slung the bag over his shoulder. “So you coming?”

“Yessum, right behind you,” I replied.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Nick, you’re time is up for today,” Dr. Worley said softly as he broke into my thoughts. “I want you to get this filled and I will plan on seeing you back here tomorrow morning, eight-fifteen a.m.”

I took the white prescription slip and tried to decyper the scribbled handwriting of the doctor’s. His writing was worse than mine, if that was possible.

“What’s this?” I asked as I stood up.

“A prescription for Zoloft,” the doctor replied.

“What’s that for?”

“It’s a mild anti-depressant and before you argue about this, I don’t prescribe meds unless I truely feel that the patient is in need of them,” Dr. Worley stated firmly.

“Oh, I don’t know if I want to take this, I mean people get all vegetable acting and stuff when they’re on antidepressants.”

“No, this is a mild anti-depressant. Nick, I wouldn’t be giving you this if I didn’t think you needed it. With all the surrounding circumstances, it’s really something you do need. Please try it for a few days, I’m sure you’ll be suprised at how well you’ll feel after you’ve been on them for a couple of days.”

I nodded as I shoved the scrip into my pants pocket. Thanking the doctor, I walked out of his office and out of the building towards freedom.

+Chapter Three+

Is This Really Home Sweet Home

After I pulled the car into the garage, I sat there for the longest time, listening to the noises the engine made as it was cooling down. My family literally dropped everything and AC and Les had their schedules post phoned all for me. I felt awful that they did that, but my Mom and Dad reminded me over and over that I would have done the same for them in this or any circumstances.

Shelby, Les’s new golden retriever, announced her presence and looked like she was begging for me to get out of the car.

“Alright, alright,” I replied sharply to the dog’s incessant barking and whining. As I exited the car, I bent down and patted the dog on the head. “There you go, you big baby.”

Walking through the garage entrance, I was hit with noise from a video game being played in the den and the scent of chocolate chip cookies being baked. This was the home I was used to years ago.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hey sweetheart, everything okay?”

Mom had that ‘deep concern parental look’ in her eyes. I torn my gaze from hers as I could feel tears start to well up.

“Yeah,” I mumbled as I grabbed a cookie and walked off towards the den.

“Only one Nick, I don’t want you to spoil your lunch!”

I had to smile hearing that, some things never change.

“Hey AC, losing again?” I joked as I watched my little brother sitting on the floor in front of the wide-screen television set playing Resident Evil on the playstation.

“Ha ha, really funny Nick,” Aaron muttered, barely glancing up at me as he continued his game. “You want to play something together?”

“Na, I’m having fun just watching y’all,” I replied as I sprawled my body across the white leather couch. “Hey is Les up yet?”

“Do I look like I would know or even care?” Aaron replied as he fired at the intruders in the game, not missing a beat.

“Whoa, a little touchy there.”

“Go ask Mom if you wanna know, for all I know she’s probably at the mall by now anyways.”

During our back and forth bantering, the phone rang twice. Since Mom was there, I didn’t bother answering, she was like my built-in answering machine. I was content where I was for the moment, watching my brother play video games, something I really missed out on being torn apart by work.

“Nick?” Mom called out from the kitchen.

“Yeah?” I replied, not budging from my comfortable position on the couch.

“Come in here, please.”

There was a different tone in her voice that made the hair on the back of my neck prickle. I immediately got up and walked into the kitchen. Her hand was still on the receiver. This didn’t look good.

“That was Greenville, Brian’s having a good day today and said it would be good for you to go and visit him. Do you want me to go with you?”

I shook my head, this was something I needed to do on my own.

“You’re gonna be okay? Let me at least drive you out there,” Mom insisted.

“Mom, honest, I’ll be fine, okay? You worry too much. I should be back by 2, if I think it’s gonna be later, I’ll call you, okay?” I replied with a quick kiss on her cheek.

I grabbed my black ball cap and slipped it on. This was a place I hated going to, but I needed to and I needed to hurry, this opportunity could leave as quickly as it came. There was so much we needed to talk about.

+Chapter Four+

Lost Friend

Greenville, what a shitty name for a shitty place, I thought to myself as I pulled into the parking lot. It was a one story, white building with green shutters and colorful flowers nestled against various shrubs.

I tugged at the front door, forgetting that it was kept locked. I mentally cursed myself and could feel the color rush to my cheeks. Although no one was around to see my mistake, I still felt embarrassed. I punched the button and waited for the door to start buzzing.

Once I walked into the building, I was instantly hit with the medicinal smells of a hospital mixed in with the sick scent of a nursing home. I made my way past a few people sitting in wheelchairs to the front desk.

“Can I help you?”

I stared for a moment at the elderly woman sitting behind the desk wearing printed hospital scrubs. Realizing I was just standing there staring, I quickly cleared my throat.

“Um, yeah Brian Littrell’s room?”

The woman quickly keyed something into the computer at the desk.

“How’s Littrell spelled?”

“L-i-t-t-r-e-l-l.”

She laughed quietly to herself. “Ah, that’s why, here he is, room number 22, down the hall and to your left.”

I managed a slight smile and thanked her quickly. From what I could tell by walking down the hall and glancing in the dining room, they had just finished lunch. Some of the people were still loitering at the tables, others were talking with people still seated at their tables.

I nervously took a quick breath as I neared room number 22. I silently prayed that he would still be in the same state he was in when Mom received the phone call, the window never stayed open for very long.

Walking into the small, semi-private room, I found Brian lying back in bed, watching TV. His room mate was laying on his side, back facing Brian, sleeping.

“Hey buddy,” I said softly as I walked towards the bed.

Brian looked up from the television, his eyes brightened. “Nick! Oh god, where have you been? I’ve been waiting for so long!”

He quickly jumped up and wrapped his arms around me and held me in the tightest squeeze I’ve ever been on the receiving end from him in a long time.

I noticed his room mate was stirring when Brian jumped up.

“Hey, lets go for a walk down the hall and talk,” I quietly suggested.

Brian nodded and quickly stepped into the pair of brown slippers that were set near the foot of his bed. We walked down towards the “visiting room” and I had to stop Brian from walking past it.

“Oops, got carried away, I was thinking we were going someplace else,” Brian lied.

I looked at my best friend. I didn’t want to waste a minute of my time with him. It was becoming so precious. He didn’t even remember me seeing him yesterday. I blinked the tears back. Here was this guy that held millions of girls captive with his voice and his smile, sitting before me wearing a pair of blue sweats and a Kentucky Uni sweatshirt looking at me as if I had been missing from his life for years.

“So how are you doing today Brian?”

Brian looked over his left should and then his right. He quickly grabbed me by the shoulders. “Nick, you gotta get me out of here! I can’t take this anymore!”

My eyes followed his glances to the right and left. “Brian, we’ve been over this a million times, you can’t go until you’re better.”

Brian’s brow furrowed and then he looked innocently at me. “There’s nothing wrong with me Nick, I keep telling you that.”

I sighed. Every visit I had with Brian when he was “with us” I had to go over this again. He seemed to forget everytime when he was having a good day. Before I could answer him, his eyes clouded over and tears started streaming down his cheeks.

“You did this to me! You wanted it all and you put me here!” Brian shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me.

God this hurt. How could I explain to my best friend that I had no control over the situation. This was in the hands of his parents and his doctors.

“Bri, I had nothing to do with this, you gotta believe me,” I choked back, my voice waivering with emotion, the tears spilling down my cheeks as well.

“Nick, this is killing me, I can’t take this!” Brian sobbed.

As soon as it came, it was over. The blank look on Brian’s face told me he was gone again. The window was closed.

He didn’t fight me as I gently led him back to his room and helped him back to his bed, taking the slippers off of his feet. I wrapped my arms around him to hug him goodbye, there was none of the usual return that Brian would give. He simply sat there and took it.

I kissed him goodbye on the cheek and smiled through my tears.

“See you tomorrow buddy,” I murmurred softly as I turned to leave the room, stopping for a moment looking at the photo on the shelf of myself and Brian and then finally walking out of the building as quickly as I dared without drawing attention to myself.

+Chapter Five+

Symptoms Well Hidden

~Flashback~

Brian looked around the bus as he walked back to his seat. Nick had his head propped up against a window, game boy still in his hands, sound asleep. Howie was on his cell phone, Kevin was reading a book and AJ was no where to be seen which only ment he stole his way to the back of the bus with Amanda.

Reaching in, Brian fumbled with the game boy trying not to wake Nick up, but failed when the machine suddenly jerked away from him and Nick sat up quickly.

“Sorry buddy, I didn’t mean to wake you up, I just didn’t think you wanted your batteries to die down,” Brian apologized.

Nick rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Oh, it’s okay Bri. You have any idea where we are right now?”

Brian looked out the bus window at the landscape. “Looks like mile marker 86.”

“Ha ha, so funny. No, state what state are we in?”

“Not sure, they all look alike to me,” Brian replied.

“That’s true. I’m gonna go ask Steve,” Nick remarked as he slid out of his seat and brushed past Brian.

Hit with a wave of dizziness, Brian sat down quickly in the nearest seat. He passed it off to being on the run the past few weeks and didn’t think much about it. He knew this was happening a lot but he wasn’t getting too concerned yet.

“Kentucky, dumbass,” Nick stated with a southern drawl. “You didn’t recognize your own territory?”

“How the hell should I know? I just woke up myself,” Brian snapped back defensively.

“Whoa, don’t bite my head off, dude!”

Brian lightly massaged his temples. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay, we’re all tired.”

“Just change the subject now,” Brian requested.

“Fine by me.”

Nick took a seat across from Brian’s and grabbed the gameboy and clicked it on.

“So, where are we now?” Brian asked.

Nick shot a blank stare at Brian.

“You don’t know either?” Brian asked, innocently.

“Seriously Brian, you need to get checked over, we just talked about where we were not even five minutes ago. I told you Kentucky.”

“Sorry, yeah I forgot you told me that,” Brian lied.

Nick set the gameboy down in the seat. “Brian, something’s going on here that you’re not telling me.”

“Nick, there’s nothing going on.”

“Don’t pull that bullshit on me, you’re a lousy liar and you know better than that. Spill it!” Nick urged.

“Honest Nick, there’s nothing going on,” Brian quickly replied.

“Okay, I’m calling Kevin over here so he can clear this up for me. Hey Kev---”

Nick’s voice was muffled when Brian placed his hand over it. Nick retalliated by biting into the palm across his mouth.

“OUCH!” Brian shouted as he pulled his hand quickly away.

“Do I involve Kevin or not?” Nick whispered harshly.

“No.”

Brian could tell by Nick’s pointed stare that he wasn’t going to let anything go at that moment. “Okay, alright. I’ve been having some headaches lately and sometimes I get dizzy, it’s probably an ear infection or something like that.”

Nick nodded, but Brian could tell by the look on his face he wasn’t totally convinced. “Bri, you’ve been forgetting shit a lot lately and I mean a lot.”

“Oh come on, you of all people should know that states start to blend in when we’re touring,” Brian begged.

“It’s not just this Brian, it’s all the little things, the mood swings, forgetting lyrics to songs, where to be during a segment in a dance. That’s not like you at all and I’m worried.”

“It’s probably stress Nick, you make too much of it,” Brian replied.

“What would you say if I were doing this?”

Brian sighed, realizing he was defeated. “I’d tell you to go get checked out.”

“Exactly! We have a 3 day layover. I’m telling Steve to stop in Lexington so you can see your family doc, and you’re not gonna fight this either,” Nick stated as he strode off towards the front of the bus.

“Don’t I have a say in this?” Brian called out.

“Nope.”

+Chapter Six+

Tests and More Tests

~Flashback~

Brian sat in the small waiting room waiting quietly for Dr. Allen. This had been his family doctor since he was a little kid. He trusted him completely. Dr. Dan was the man that pretty much saved his life by correctly diagnosing his heart condition.

Left alone in his thoughts, he wished he hadn’t convinced Nick that he would be okay and to just stay back at the hotel. Brian was beginning to wonder if this “something” that was happening to him was more serious than he was allowing himself to think.

“Okay, now you’re just starting to sound completely stupid,” Brian reprimanded himself for allowing those thoughts to enter his mind.

He stiffened up in his seat when the door clicked open. Dr. Allen entered the room, his silver wire-rimmed glasses perched halfway down his nose.

Dr. Allen took the seat next to Brian. He placed the folder containing the health history on his lap.

“Brian, I’m completely stumped on this. What you describe for your symptoms, the headaches, dizziness and memory lapses mimmick a head injury, but the x-ray of your head came back negative.”

Brian listened quietly as Dr. Dan ran through his theories outloud.

“How long has this been going on again?”

Brian thought for a second. “Oh, I guess probably like five or six months. It used to be probably once a week but now it’s happening everyday.”

“Are the headaches severe?” Dr. asked as he started scribbling notes on the tiny pad of yellow paper.

“Yeah sometimes they are, I get the dizziness with the headaches.”

“I see. Does your speech get affected? Do words come out wrong?”

“No, I just sometimes forget things, stuff I should know and remember,” Brian replied anxiously.

“I’d like to have you checked into the hospital for some tests--”

“No! I can’t be doing that, isn’t there any other way?” Brian protested.

Dr. Allen tapped the pen on the pad of paper as he thought. “Well, I suppose we could rush this through STAT, but you should plan on being there for a good 12 hours or more, could you manage that?”

“Do I have any other options?”

“No. I need to have tests ran and the hospital is the only place that has the type of diagnostics available to me.”

“What kind of tests are you talking about?” Brian asked warily. He didn’t especially care for hospitals and wished he could avoid going there.

“Well, besides blood work, and depending on what the lab results show, I do want to start out with an MRI of your brain. Are you clausterphobic?”

Brian’s eyes widened. “Is....it isn’t that tube thing is it?”

“Okay, I take that as a yes.” Dr. Dan patted Brian’s knee. “Don’t worry, we can give you a mild sedative before you go in.”

Brian looked a little relieved, but still apprehensive.

“Will someone be accompanying you?”

“No, I really don’t want anyone to be with me, just in case this is something worse than what I’m thinking it is. But it won’t be, it’s probably just stress or something,” Brian added, trying to reassure himself.

A faint knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Dr. Dan reached behind and opened the door while he was still sitting. An older nurse popped her head in holding sheets of papers.

“Here’s the results of the patient’s labwork,” the nurse said in a hushed tone as she handed the papers over to the doctor.

The doctor took the papers and thanked the nurse. He flipped through the sheets once and then re-read them a second and a third time. Without saying anything to Brian, he rose from his seat and walked over to the phone on the wall and punched in four numbers.

“Marty? Dan Allen. I need to have some diagnostics done on a patient of mine STAT......MRI and CT of the brain......bone scan.......we might need an ultrasound.........no, all outpatient.......one more thing, this is a high profile patient, the strictest confidentiality is required......okay I’ll send him over right now, thanks.”

Brian held his breath as the doctor hung the phone up. The doctor turned around to face him, his face was grim.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“Brian, the labs that came back indicated to me that there is something going on for sure, but we have to find out where and what it is.”

Brian tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat. “What is it showing?”

“I really don’t want to say anything until I know the results,” Dr. Dan replied.

Brian closed his eyes. “Please just tell me.”

“Your labs had a specific elevation and your wbc’s were low as well as your rbc’s.”

“I don’t understand,” Brian replied.

“It’s pinpointing that there may be a cancer.”

+Chapter Seven+

Diagnosis and Decisions

~Flashback~

“Bri, what the heck took so long?” Nick asked as his best friend entered the hotel room they shared.

Trying to make limited eye contact, Brian shrugged his shoulders. “You know how doctor’s offices can be, he just was booked up and it took him longer to get to me.”

“Oh, I see,” Nick replied as he watched Brian take his jacket off and throw it across the bed. “They did a blood test on you?”

Brian whirled around, mouth hanging open. “How...how do you know about that?”

“Calm down! Brian, there’s a cotton ball on your arm, geesh, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were hiding something from me by the way you’re acting.”

Brian laughed nervously as he ran his palm over the band-aid in the crook of his left arm. “Um, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Nick strode across the room and threw himself onto a bed, turning on the playstation.

Grabbing a change of clothes from the suitcase, Brian walked into the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind him. He walked over to the tub and turned the shower on full blast with the hottest water he knew his body could withstand. As the steam quickly clouded the mirror over, he quickly undressed and stepped into the flow of hot water.

Letting the water splash onto his face, Brian stood there, letting the conversation with the doctor earlier play through his thoughts again:
“Brian, the tests indicate two things going on with you. One we can fix because I doubt it’s malignant but the other is a little trickier to deal with. You have a small tumor in your brain, it’s benign but it’s centered in the temporal lobe of your brain and that’s why you’ve been having the problems you’ve described. We can surgically remove it or if you wish we can do two weeks worth of radiation that way there would be no risk of any alterations during surgery, there’s always the risk of permanent damage to your personality and to your memory. The second finding, which is going to be harder to deal with is you have Acute Myelogenic Leukemia.”

The words kept echoing in his mind over and over.

Acute Myelogenic Leukemia.

It was like a slap in his face, this was something that was out of his hands, he had no control over what this was going to do with him.

“Is it fatal?” Brian barely whispered.

“I’ll be honest with you Brian. Yes, this form of cancer can and is usually fatal, but and I stress this, there have been several cases of remission which is achieved by chemotherapy and blood transfusions.”

Dr. Allen looked at his patient, his face had turned ashen, a vacant stare in his eyes. “Brian?”

Brian snapped out of his trance. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? You should have someone come and ride back to the hotel with you, I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

“I said I’m okay,” Brian replied quietly.

Dr. Allen handed over some brochures to Brian. “Here are some papers I need you to look over that fully describes what’s going on with you and the treatment options. We can set up your appointments right at UK Cancer Center in Lexington, as soon as possible.”

Brian’s head shot up from the brochures. “No, I need to do this on the road, is that possible?”

“It’s difficult, Brian, you need to be consistant with the therapies.”

“I can do this, I need you to help me on this. I want everything to remain normal,” Brian begged.

“If you give me your schedule, I can have my nurse arrange for treatments at every stop, but mind you, you have to have blood draws done every week as well as the chemo every two weeks, we can do a port, no one will notice that and you can go to a hospital and they can hook your chemo up and you can go on your way and have it disconnected when it’s finished.”

“I will do what I have to do, but no one is to know about any of this,” Brian requested.

“You know you have patient confidentality Brian, always. I have one more thing to ask you though,” Dr. Allen stated as he pulled out a sheet of paper from Brian’s chart. “I need you to designate a guardian for your care in case it gets worse.”

“Worse? Like in dying?” Brian asked quietly.

“Dying or loss of realities, Brian this is very serious and you need to take care if this now, get all your ducks in a row, I guess would be the best way of putting this. Bring it with you when you start your chemo tomorrow morning, that is if you plan on fighting this. I’ll schedule surgery in the morning for the port and you need to be NPO after midnight and you need to bring someone with you to take you back after surgery.”

“I’ll bring it back with me tomorrow,” Brian numbly took the papers.

Nick’s pounding on the door snapped Brian from his thoughts.

“God Bri, are you gonna be in there forever? I need to go to the bathroom!” Nick moaned on the other side of the door.

“Go use someone elses,” Brian hollered from the shower.

“They wouldn’t really appreciate it, if you know what I mean,” Nick replied.

Brian smirked at the thought. “Then go down to AJ’s room.”

“Okay, okay, but I’m telling them it was your idea when I leave there,” Nick chuckled.

Nick had a talent for making Brian smile in the seriousness of any given situation. He made his mind up right then. Nick would be his guardian, he would be able to make the right choices and think with his mind over his heart.

+Chapter Eight+

Another Day, Another Sesson

I sat in my car for the longest time, staring at the office building. I was back at Dr. Worley’s office, not because I wanted to, it was more like I was forced to. Mom gave me an ultimatum saying I could go alone or she would not only drive me there, she would escort me into the office to make sure I went.

The look on AC’s face and the words he spoke pretty much helped me to make my mind up. I guess I never really thought I needed help. I could tough this out, but when Aaron made the comment that I was acting so distant and cold hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t put a wall up around my baby brother.

A wall of protection.

Like Brian.

I squashed the cigarette out with my foot, almost as if I was displacing all the madness that was going on with Brian and myself. I was half hoping that when I reached the office door that it would be locked and I could turn and leave. No such luck. The doctor was standing at the receptionist desk and saw me when I walked in.

“Hi Nick, I was just about to give up hope seeing you this morning, you’re fifteen minutes late.”

God, was he a hall monitor or something? I knew I was fifteen minutes late but it was a deliberate fifteen minutes, almost like a private protest on my part.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I mumbled a lame apology and followed the doctor back into his office.

“Okay, so when we left off you were starting to tell me about how you noticed changes in Brian’s behavior in forgetting things, can you pick up from there?”

I smacked a fresh pack of cigarettes against my palm, packing the tobacco down into the filters. I tore the pack open and pulled out a cigarette and quickly lit it.

“I really don’t know how to describe everything,” I apologized.

“You don’t have to paint a graphic picture, just the details,” Dr. Blake pressed.

I swallowed nervously. “I ah, I don’t really know how to begin.”

“Nick, I was going to wait until we were further down into your sessions, but I think we’re going to need a little help.”

“Help?” I asked as my eyes scanned the room looking for something out of the ordinary.

“I’m going to use hypnosis, it seems the only way to bring this out,” Dr. Worley stated in a calm voice.

“Hypnosis? You mean like that stuff where they make people think they’re someone else?”

A slight smile formed on Dr. Worley’s lips. “No, no not party hypnosis, medical hypnosis. But if you’re wondering, yes I would have the capabilities to make you think you’re President Bush.”

“I dunno,” I replied as I fiddled with the bic lighter in my hand.

“Nick, it’s the only way I can help you through this, you want to get better don’t you? You want to stop blaming yourself.”

I nodded slightly. I did want to get better.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

+Chapter Nine+

It Won't Work

“Okay Nick, this should take effect within a few minutes,” Dr. Worely said as he swabbed my upper arm with rubbing alcohol and then injected some medication into my arm.

“I think you’re kidding yourself, there’s no way you’ll be able to hypnotize me,” I replied as I watched him place a band-aid over the injection site.

“Just relax, I’ve been doing this for quite some time and I always know who I can and cannot put under. You’re going to be a very easy subject.”

“Whoa, you weren’t kidding about this stuff. It’s pretty good shit,” I mumbled as I suddenly felt the effects of the med that he had given me.

“Valium always has a calming effect. I want you to relax and empty your mind,” the doctor stated in a calm, quiet voice.

I had no choice but to listen to his calming words. I suddenly felt free, relaxed, no worries or stresses in my life. Instantly I felt as if I were laying on a white sandy beach. The warmth of the sand felt so good against my skin. The sea gulls were squawking above me and the roar of the waves lulled me into a deep sleep....

+Chapter Ten+

Reaching Back

“Hey kid, you gonna sleep all day on the beach or what?”

I jerked awake when I heard the thick southern accent direct a question at me.

“Huh? Oh god, it’s just you again. You sure do like to pick on me and would you stop calling me kid. I’m 14 and hardly a child,” I sputtered as jumped up to my feet and started to gather my belongings.

“Okay, sure thing Nicky,” Brian remarked with a smirk.

“Would you quit calling me Nicky!? You know I hate that B-ROK!” I fired back, adding the last word with strong sarcasim.

“Oooh, you hurt me!” Brian mocked.

“Boy for someone that’s a god-fearing Bible reading Christian, you sure like to pick on people and push them,” I shot back.

“Would you two just knock it off,” Kevin yelled over his back.

“Hey who elected you my Daddy?” Brian called out.

“Your Momma called me dear cuz and she told me to watch out for your sorry butt,” Kevin replied.

“Well if y’all are watching my butt then I’m gonna be watchin’ Nickolas’s butt from now on,” Brian winked at me as he spoke.

**Drifting Further**

I sat in the hotel room alone and scared. Brian and the guys left me again to go clubbing so I was left with a television set which only had German shows to watch and my Nintendo. I could have called home but the time difference was over ten hours from Florida and they would no doubt be gone off doing something with the rest of the family.

The painful reviews were echoing in my head and I couldn’t stop them. The press was saying that we sang off key and lacked talent. Brian, AJ and Kevin all had girls and I didn’t see any chance in my life that I would ever find anyone to love. I craved normalcy in my life. Highschool dances, football games, basketball games, first loves. That was all taken away from me. I was a prisioner in my own little world and I hated it all.

Taking a sheet of hotel paper and a pen, I hastily scrawled out my goodbyes. I was going to run away and leave everyone. I needed to find myself.

When you find this letter I will be gone. You have your lives and you have all the things I will never get. I’m tired of living like this. Tell my parents I love them and not to worry.

Childishly, I signed the letter “Love, Nick.”

Wiping the tears from my eyes and ignoring my runny nose, I grabbed my clothes and stuffed them into my duffel bag. My Nintendo wasn’t going to fit so I grabbed some games and decided I would have to leave the machine behind.

I decided it would be a good idea to take a quick nap before I started off since it could be days before I would find a place to stay. I laid back on my bed, the duffel bag laid at my side.

I realized my plan was foiled when I felt someone sitting down on my bed. I rolled over to see Brian, holding the goodbye note I had written.

“Nick, you don’t really mean this, do you?”

I set my jaw, “Yes.”

“That would kill me if you did that. You’re my brother, a part of me,” Brian said quietly.

“I dunno, I just want a normal life,” I defended.

“Nick, who’s to say that this isn’t normal? This is your life, this is my life. I’m going to be beside you every step of the way and I’m going to try to help you through all of this, you’re never gonna be alone. Anytime you have a problem, you can come to me, you know that don’t you?”

“I guess so.”

“Nick I love you and I’m always going to be there for you. Always and forever,” Brian said as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.

**Back Again**

“I’m telling you, doc, you won’t get me under hypnosis,” I stated smugly.

“Here,” the doctor stated with a smile as he held out a box of tissues.

It was then that I realized that my face was wet from tears and my nose was stuffed up.

“I will plan on seeing you again tomorrow. This was a good session Nick, it will be a better one tomorrow.”

“Um yeah,” I mumbled as I stood up. I still felt a little tired from the med he had given me, but it was a good tired. “Thanks doc.”

+Chapter Eleven+

A Window of Memories

~*~*~*~*~

Brian stared at the open door to his room. He was hoping that someone would come to visit him to take the monotony of the day away from him. His memory came and went and he knew it. There were good days and bad days, all chalked up to that damn chemo he had, he theorized.

Sliding off the bed and hopping onto his feet, Brian grabbed the photo album that someone - he couldn’t think of who at this particular moment - had given him. The pages had become well worn from him going over it at least several thousand times. In the beginning of the book were pictures of himself when he was around three years old and advanced from that point up until a few months ago before he was placed into this adult care facility.

Brian stopped at one particular picture. The memories were so intense. He remembered when that photo had been taken - it was on Nick’s 21st birthday and they were getting ready for the trip to Tampa for the superbowl stint. His fingers followed the outline of Nick and himself.

Brian remembered that he was becoming very ill from the chemo and had been hiding it pretty good from the guys. At every stop he would use an excuse for leaving and taking Steve, his bodyguard along with him. No one seemed to know any different for awhile until that one day in May when Nick walked in on him. Brian shuddered when that memory came up and quickly shut the photo album and shoved it back into it’s place on the shelf.

“Hi Brian, you need to take your afternoon meds,” Alicia, the afternoon nurse smiled as she walked into the room.

Brian smiled as his nurse. He took the cup she was holding and looked down at the bottom. There were a colorful assortment of various pills that he had to take three times a day.

“I wonder what would happen if I skip them,” Brian wondered outloud.

“Don’t even think about it!” Alicia replied as she handed a styrofoam cup of water to him.

Sighing, Brian dumped the cup of meds into his mouth followed by a huge drink of water to wash them down.

Smiling, he handed the cup back to the nurse. “Ya happy now?”

“Estatic,” came the quick reply.

“What exactly is it I have to take everyday?” Brian questioned.

“Let’s see, you have a vitamin supplement, a water pill, iron, three meds for your cancer and a sedative.”

“Okay, so which one is it that is screwing me up so much?”

“Excuse me?”

“Which one is making me crazy?” Brian asked innocently.

“You mean how your memory comes and goes,” the nurse replied as she was charting off the meds in Brian’s records.

“Yeah that,” Brian replied as he watched her shuffle the meds around on the cart.

“You should ask your doc that when he makes the rounds,” Alicia replied.

Brian lightly grabbed her by the arm. “No, that could be too late. I can think and understand clearly right now, this might not stick around and who knows when it leaves if I’ll ever be coming back. I need to know why I’m going crazy.” He bit the inside of his lip to try and stop the tears that were filling in his eyes from falling.

“Honey, I wish I could answer that for you, but off the record, alot of the patients that I’ve seen in my career that have had chemotherapy has had some effect on the mind and altered their thoughts and memories. I’m sorry, I wish there was something better I could tell you.”

“So this is never going to get better?”

Alicia shook her head. “But I think it’s a blessing that you won’t realize what’s going on when the end comes.”

+Chapter Twelve+

Confrontations

The chemo had been going along well, and Brian was figuring that no one knew what was going on. He managed to ask his personal bodyguard to accompany him at every tour stop, not to ask any questions and to absolutely not tell anyone anything that he saw or heard at the stops.

Nick approached Steve one day after he and Brian came back from one of those times that they secretly disappeared for a few hours.

“Hey Steve, what’s up?”

Steve glanced up at Nick as he continued to toss his cards down on the table at a rapid pace. It was some game that the guards usually played and it was a face paced game, one miscalculation and you could lose. “Hey Nick.”

Nick watched the cards flying back and forth across the table. He took a big gulp from the water bottle he was holding. “Is there some place we can go to talk? I need to ask you some stuff.”

Nick’s request caught Steve offguard and he miscalculated his cards and threw the wrong one down causing him to lose the game. He cursed under his breath as the men around the table laughed at his loss and started in with their name calling.

“Yeah I guess we can go now since I just lost fifty bucks,” he grunted as he pushed himself away from the table.

“Oh, sorry man,” Nick apologized quickly.

“Yeah, well, for me fifty bucks is almost a half days pay and I have a kid to support believe it or not,” Steve continued to grumble as he and Nick walked out of the hotel room towards Nick’s room.

Once inside Nick’s hotel room, Steve stood in the center, refusing to sit down. He folded his arms defensively across his chest. He was preparing himself not to leak out any info on Brian. He had a hunch that this was where Nick was going to be going.

“Okay Steve, I’m gonna get straight to the point, what the hell is going on with Brian?”

Steve shook his head. “Nick, you know that I’m not allowed to discuss Brian with you. I’m his personal trust.”

“Steve, I’m begging ya man, I know something’s not right. You and him disappear at every freakin stop for a few hours at a time and when you come back you come back empty handed and Brian looks a new shade of green. Something’s up and I need to know!”

“No can do,” Steve stated firmly.

Nick paced the room as he thought. “Okay, how about I pay you for the info?”

Steve softened a little at the mention of money. “It would have to be alot to make me tell you anything.”

“Five hundred?”

“Make it twenty five hundred and I’ll sing like a canary,” Steve replied.

“Steve, I don’t have that on me and there’s no ATM machine that would allow that kind of cash out,” Nick replied.

Steve turned on his heel. “Then we have nothing to talk about.”

“Okay, okay, how about I go and take out $500 right now from the ATM in the lobby and then I give you all I have on me and I owe you the rest tomorrow, would that do?” Nick blurted out while he tried to itemize the contents in his wallet.

“I guess that will do,” Steve replied.

Steve followed Nick out of the room down to the lobby while he made his withdrawal from the automatic teller machine. Nick winced as he decided to use his credit cards for a quick withdrawal, knowing full well that his CPA was going to wring his neck when he saw the bills and the high interest rate he would be paying for the cash advances.

“Here, two thousand five hundred, all paid up. Now, let’s go to that conference room there and talk about this,” Nick stated as he strode over to a small room off the lobby.

“I’ve been taking Brian to a hospital at every stop,” Steve started out in a low voice.

Nick’s eyes shifted back and forth as he tried to grasp the situation. “A hospital? Why?”

“Well most of the time it’s to have blood drawn for labwork. His doctor arranged for Brian to carry a card with him and he has blood drawn and the results faxed to his doctor in Kentucky.”

“Okay, most of the time. What about the other times?” Nick asked slowly.

“The other times he gets hooked up for chemo,” Steve replied quietly.

The word chemo hit Nick like a punch in the stomach. “Chemo?” He narrowed his eyes at Steve.

“He has cancer, he’s trying to beat it without anyone knowing about it I guess.”

“Where? How?” Nick’s mind was racing, a million thoughts running wild.

“I guess it’s leukemia. They’re trying to push it into remission.”

“Oh my god..... oh my god,” Nick cried out. “No, this can’t be! They had to have made a mistake!”

“I’m sorry but I’m just telling you what I know. You’d have to talk to him to find out more. Can I go now? You’re gonna be alright aren’t you?”

Nick couldn’t talk, he simply nodded.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yep,” Nick choked out.

+Chapter Thirteen+

Admissions

“Bri, it’s me, Nick, I can I come in?”

I waited out in the hall, staring at the white hotel door waiting for a reply from Brian.

Nothing.

“Brian?”

I spotted a woman from housekeeping walking down the hall with her cart out the corner of my eye.

“Hey, my friend’s not answering his door, can you use your pass key and open it up for me please?” I pasted a quick smile on my face and prayed to god that it would work.

“Si,” the woman replied with a heavy Spanish accent.

She barely had her card out of the door when I pushed it open. I rushed into the room, Brian wasn’t anywhere to be seen. There was a slit under the bathroom door, a light was shining under it.

“Brian?” I called out as I stood on the other side of the door.

Nothing, no answer.

I pushed the door open and gasped. Brian looked up at me, a funny look on his face at first and then it was immediately replaced with a look of anger.

“Nick! How the hell did you get in here?” he yelled as he covered up his chest. It was too late, I saw something that looked like a button protruding from his chest near his collar bone and it had a pump of some kind attached to it.

“I’m sorry, you didn’t answer the door and I was worried about you,” I replied quickly.

“Yeah well I’m fine so you can leave now,” he replied. I could see the hurt in his face.

“Brian, please, don’t shut me out, talk to me,” I pleaded.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he defensively replied.

“Please Brian,” I pressed. “Something’s not right, I can tell. Talk to me.”

He sat there quietly for the longest time, not saying a word, still holding the shirt up closely to his chest as if he let it down it would cause something to escape. Finally after what seemed like hours but in all actuality was only minutes he burst into tears.

“I’m scared.”

I rushed up to him and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m scared too, Brian.”

He looked up at me with tear stained cheeks. “This is something I can’t control Nick. I’m trying and trying and I think I’m getting worse instead of better. I can feel it eating away at me and it scares me. They have been telling me that if I make it to Christmas then I’m doing good.”

“You will,” I barely spoke, my voice breaking.

“I’m tired Nick. I’m scared and I’m tired. When I went to the doctor’s it took me by complete suprise with the leukemia diagnosis. I prayed that it was a mistake but it all seemed to fit. I’m slowly losing my mind and I’m afraid that one day I won’t know you. It’s some side affect from the drugs they have me on to fight this. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a good idea or not.”

I didn’t speak, I listened to every word he spoke and my heart ached for him as he obviously was trying to keep his composure.

“Nick, I.... I made you my personal protector for when I get bad,” Brian stammered.

My heart dropped hearing that.

“You’re not going to get bad, you’ll beat this Brian,” I replied, believing that if I was convinced nothing bad would happen, then nothing bad would happen. “I’ll make sure you’ll get better.”

“Thanks Chaos,” Brian whispered.

God, he hadn’t called me that nickname in a long time. I smiled. “Brian, tell me all that I need to know, I’m going to help you and I’m going with you to the hospital from now on.”

He smiled. “Nick, you don’t have to waste your time doing that.”

“I have to. We’re in this together now.”

+Chapter Fourteen+

Some Outside Help

“Nick, for crying out loud, you gonna shoot that thing or what?”

“Huh?” I looked over at my little brother. He was standing away from me, his arms folded across his chest.

“You’ve been standing there aiming the ball and not shooting it for like, oh, about FIVE MINUTES!”

“I’m sorry, my mind’s on something else.” I shot the ball. Instead of going directly into the basket, it flew over the backboard. We both watched it roll down the grassy slope.

“Nice one Nick,” Aaron yelled sarcastically over his shoulder as he ran to retrieve the ball.

“AC, I.... I’m sorry, but I just can’t play right now, I have too much on my mind. I’m really sorry. I promise I’ll play later.”

“Nick? Let’s go sit at the pool and talk. Maybe I can help,” Aaron hollered as he scooped up the ball.

I smiled despite myself. In his fourteen year old innocence, he really was thinking he could help me with my burdens. “I dunno if you really can.”

“Maybe you should give me a chance, you’d be suprised,” Aaron smiled a lopsided grin at me. He gestured with his hand for me to follow him out back to the pool, dribbling the ball on the walkway along the side of the house. He sat at the edge of the pool, plunging his feet into the water. Rolling my pantlegs up, I did the same.

We sat there for almost three minutes, neither one of us saying anything, staring at the blue water.

“Well?” Aaron piped up. “Remember, I said I could help you.”

I sighed heavily. I knew full well that Aaron couldn’t possibly begin to help me, but he may be able to help me to feel a little better about the situation. “Well, you know all about what’s been going on with Brian, right?”

Aaron didn’t say a word, he just nodded.

“I just can’t help but think that there was something I could have done to help, I mean, he’s slowly slipping away from me and there’s nothing I can do. He hates me for doing what I did to him and I know when he has his good days he can’t help but hate me for putting him in that nursing home.”

I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Nick, Brian doesn’t hate you. He’s sick and he can’t understand that what you did was something you had to do. He wasn’t himself and you couldn’t leave him alone.”

“Yes, but I should have tried taking care of him longer than what I did.”

“Nick, god, you tried longer than anyone else would have ever tried. Brian was a danger to himself, you did as much as you could but he was always wandering off, remember when he fell into the pool?”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight at the memory. It was like he had no concept of how to swim, like the water was going to hold him up. His eyes grew so big when he kept trying to get up out of the pool. If I hadn’t been in the kitchen at the time, he surely would have drown.

“You did everything you could. There was nothing more that you could have done.”

Our conversation was interrupted by my sister, Leslie bring the cordless phone out to the pool. “Nick, it’s AJ.” She handed me the phone acting like it was posionous.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Thanks. Hello?”

“Yeah, Nick?”

“Hi AJ.”

“I was wondering if you wanted to meet up with me for a bit, I want to help take your mind off of stuff man.”

“No, I’m okay AJ, I got my family with me,” I replied.

“No man, really, you gotta get out. When’s the last time you circulated yourself?”

I rolled my eyes listening to him. Clubbing, that was always AJ’s key to happiness. “Really AJ, I wouldn’t be much fun.”

“I’m picking you up at 8 so you better be ready or else you’ll be going dressed as you are.”

“Don’t I have a choice in this?”

“Nope.”

I switched the phone to my other ear. “Okay AJ, tell you what, we go clubbing but only if you pick me up at 6. We go see Brian together first and then we go out.”

“Man, that’s gonna be a total downer,” AJ replied.

“So? Do you want me to go out or not?”

“Yeah, okay, six o’clock then,” AJ snapped into the phone. Before I could reply, he shut me off.

“Well bro, like it or not, I’ve been drafted to circulate.”

“Good for you Nick!” Aaron cheered.

+Chapter Fifteen+

Seems Like Old Times

To my suprise, AJ showed up at my house promptly at 6pm, just like I had specified. When I came down the stairs, he was sitting in the living room, watching Aaron and Angel playing a video game. He always seemed odd to me, definately not a family type person. Maybe it was from the unusual way he grew up.

“Hey, glad to see you’re ontime for a change,” I remarked as I entered the room, buttoning the last few buttons on my shirt.

“Well, it was the least I could do, dumbass.”

That word wasn’t allowed in my parent’s house and AJ realized his mistake immediately when Angel turned and looked at him, her mouth hanging open. Then she threw him a look that could have easily put him six feet under. Aaron on the otherhand, was used to hearing those type of words and let it slide and continued on playing the game.

“Oops, sorry,” he quickly apologised.

He looked sheepishly at my mother, who gave him a disapproving look.

“I forgot my manners, I’m really sorry Mrs. Carter,” he stated and then added a wink for good measure. My mother, never one to be fooled or bought out by charm (god knows I’ve tried) rolled her eyes at him and then breezed on through towards the kitchen. He shifted nervously on the couch and cleared his throat. “So you ready to go?”

“Yeah, but you did remember we’re stopping to see Bri before we go anywhere,” I softly reminded him as I grabbed my ballcap and put it on.

“I know,” AJ sighed as he followed me out the door leading to the garage.

“Should I drive or are you?” As I looked at his car, I felt a cool breeze go over my skin. I quickly rubbed my arms.

“I’ll drive, it was my idea to go out in the first place,” he stated as he pulled the keys out of his front pocket.

“Yippeee,” I mumbled under my breath as I climbed into the passenger seat.

“So what shape do you think he’ll be in when we get there?” AJ asked as he fumbled with the radio dials, the car drifting over the centerline in the road. He looked up before I said anything and quickly jerked the steering wheel to correct the car.

“With your driving, probably one hell of a lot better than us,” I replied as I tightened my seatbelt.

Neither one of us spoke the rest of the ride to ‘Brian’s home.’ Not any of us were able to call it the nursing home, it was just called ‘Brian’s home’ in the rare times any of us talked about it.

“Here we are,” AJ announced as he pulled the car into a parking spot and killed the engine.

“Try and be pleasant and positive please,” I asked AJ as I undid my seatbelt and got out of the car.

“I’m always pleasant and positive, dumbass,” AJ spat back.

I chose to ignore the remark as I pressed the intercom button to announce our presence at the door.

Stopping at the receptionist’s desk, I asked if Brian was still in room 22 and after spelling his last name for her she smiled and told us yes.

“This place gives me the creeps,” AJ stated as he looked at the various residents of the home wandering in the hall. “The smell has to be the worst, god, how can anyone live like this?”

I stopped in midstride and turned to face AJ. “Probably because they don’t have any other choice!”

AJ put his hands up as if to deflect any advance I were to make. “Okay, okay, I get your point, god, don’t go postal on my ass now.”

I shook my head as I turned and continued down the hall towards Brian’s room. I surmised from AJ’s remarks that he hadn’t come to Greenville to visit him. It was something we all hated to do, not the actual visiting but the fact that Brian could be okay one minute and then totally not with it the next. That sucked.

I knocked softly on the door to his room. He was laying in his bed and I wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or watching tv. He stirred quickly when I knocked. He stared at me for a moment, blinking his eyes.

“Nick?”

“Yeah, hey how ya doing, Bri?” I asked as I pasted a smile on my face, entering the room. “Look who I dragged along with me.”

Brian looked past me at AJ, his eyes started to fill with tears.

“AJ? Oh god, it’s good to see you!”

AJ smiled nervously and was caught completely off guard when Brian jumped off the bed and wrapped him in a tight hug. AJ’s arms hung limply at his sides as if he were afraid to return the hug.

After Brian pulled back, he looked him over. “No new tattoos, are you giving it up?”

AJ looked puzzled for a moment and then slowly smiled, not replying to Brian’s observation. This was confusing him, Brian was acting like Brian.

Okay, now the akward silence started to enter the room, only the snoring of Brian’s room mate cut in every now and then.

Brian tugged nervously at his sweatshirt. “Hey, how about we go to the visiting room? It’s a little better than standing in here.”

“Good idea,” I replied.

Better than last time, Brian led us directly to the room, no mistakes were made this time and he seemed to act as if he had never gotten lost before.

“So,” he began as he down on the couch that faced ours, only a coffee table separating us. “tell me what brings you to this god forsaken place.”

I really felt stupid when I realized that I had been depressed about the situation. Here my best friend was in this nursing home and I was out walking around freely. I honestly had nothing to be depressed over.

“To visit you, ya dork,” I replied.

Brian smiled.

After we visited for roughly 45 minutes, AJ sprung an idea that floored me.

“Bri, would you like to sneak out and go clubbing with me and Nicky?”

I elbowed him hard in the ribs.

“Hey! What the hell was that for?” AJ protested, rubbing his side.

“Yeah that sounds like fun, sure I’ll go, anything’s better than sitting around here rotting to death,” Brian replied.

“No, Brian, you can’t do that,” I advised.

“Why not?” he stared at me, his blue eyes nearly going through me.

“Yeah Nick, why not? He’s fine, he’s really doing good,” AJ rasped.

I sighed. It was like trying to reason with two eight year olds. “Because, what would we do if he goes Dr. Demento on us?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at me and then raised an eyebrow. “Dr. Demento?”

“Yeah, you know, blank out on me.”

“Nick, I’ve been fine all week, besides, if I get wacked out on you, you can just bring me back here.”

“I dunno Brian, kidnap you?”

“They won’t miss me, I’ve already had my pm meds so the nurses won’t be around again anymore, just give me a few minutes to put on a pair of jeans and my Nike’s and I’ll be good to go. I can blend out of here with you guys.”

“I’ll go start the car,” AJ announced, smoothing the jeans out on his thighs as he stood up.

“AJ, we’re not robbing a bank, stick with me!”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Brian called out as he left us in the room, the only other people in there was an elderly woman with a doll buggy, acting as if she were tending to a newborn baby and a man sitting at a table, shoving checkers in his mouth.

“Oh this is just classic,” AJ stated as he stared at the man putting yet another checker into his mouth.

+Chapter Sixteen+

A Night of Unwanted Adventures

“Brian’s riding shotgun, you can sit in the back,” AJ directed at me as we walked out the front entrance towards the car.

“Thanks,” I replied as I got into the backseat, my knees pressing up against the front seat.

“So where are we going?” Brian asked as he buckled in. “Anyplace would suit me just fine, I’m so glad to get out of there, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“Let’s just enjoy ourselves, okay? No more talk about that crap. We gotta get you circulated into the mainstream again, Bri, I bet that would be the best thing in the world for you,” AJ stated as he drove down the highway.

“So where are we going?” I asked hesitantly. I was actually afraid of AJ’s idea of a nice place to take Brian. I was still worried about him flipping out on us and drawing a blank.

“Well, I was thinking about Tabu--”

“Howie’s? No way dude, nope,” I protested quickly.

“Would you let me finish dumbass?” AJ snapped back.

I held my hands up, “Go ahead.”

AJ shifted in his seat, adjusting the shoulder strap on the seatbelt. “As I was saying I was thinking about Tabu, but that’s in Orlando which is miles from here, plus the club scene may be too intense for Brian here.”

“Ya think so smartone?” I replied sarcastically. I was so dead set against this clubbing thing with Brian to begin with. I had an uneasy feeling about this.

“Okay so where to then?” Brian asked, ignoring Nick’s obvious apprehension.

“How about Mac’s?”

“MAC’S? ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FRICKEN MIND!?” I yelled at AJ. That club was very fast paced, it certainly would be too much for Brian to handle.

“Whoa, Nicky, if you don’t like the choice then stay in the car. I’m sure Brian can handle this, he’s a big boy.”

I slumped against black leather seat in the back, folding my arms across my chest defensively. I was totally against any of this and I knew that I would definately have to stick close to Brian to make sure nothing would happen. AJ would be wrapped up in his own little world once we hit the club.

“Here we are,” AJ announced proudly as he pulled up to the valet. AJ deliberatly ignored making eye contact with me, so I knew there would be no chance of getting to persuade him to change his mind. Thank god so far, Brian was still acting like good ole Brian, so I was guessing it could have been worse. I kept my fingers crossed that this would continue until we got him safely back to Greenville.

As we walked into the nightclub, I couldn’t help but notice the pointing and the whispers as we filed past tables towards our booth. As soon as we sat down, we were approached by three young women.

“Didn’t you used to be Brian Littrell?” a tall burnette gushed.

Brian looked up at her with a lopsided grin, my stomach was doing flip flops.

“Used to be? I still am,” Brian replied with a chuckle.

The girl thrust a napkin and a pen towards Brian. “I’ve been a fan of yours for years. Could I have your autograph?”

Brian accepted the pen and napkin from the girl. As he struggled with trying to write his name, I jumped in and bailed him out. “You know those darn napkins are hard to write on with a ball point pen.”

“Uh, yeah I guess you’re right there,” the girl agreed.

Brian’s handwriting wasn’t like it used to be, but the girl wouldn’t have cared. She asked for a picture and then her face turned red when she realized she didn’t have a camera with her.

“Hey honey, that’s okay, just scoot back to your table now, okay?” AJ requested.

“Oh, um, yeah, gosh I’m sorry, you guys must be busy. Thanks again Brian,” the girl replied as she fumbled with the napkin and the pen, quickly turning away.

After she left, the three of us sat in the booth in an akward silence, the only noises was the music coming from the horrible band the club had hired. The bass on the drums definately drowned out any of the other accoustics in the band.

“I dunno about you guys, but I’m getting a little thristy and since it’s obvious that the waitress either is on lunch break or gone for the day, I’m gonna go grab something to drink. What do you want?” I asked Brian and AJ.

“Black Russian,” came AJ’s reply.

“I guess I’ll take a Heiniken,” Brian stated.

Brian rarely drank but when he did have something it was usually one beer. Period.

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few then,” I remarked as I scooted out of the booth, leaving AJ and Brian to strike up conversations. After finding my way to the bar, it took me a good ten minutes of being pleasant to girls that came up to talk to me before I could place our drink orders.

“Yeah, I’d like a Black Russian, Heiniken and a Salty Dog,” I shouted the order over the music.

“Fifteen fifty,” the woman behind the bar replied.

“Figures,” I mumbled under my breath. As I made my way back to the booth, I felt panic rising when I noticed that AJ was sitting in the booth by himself.

“Where’s Brian?”

“He went to the bathroom,” AJ replied, never taking his eyes off of a girl that was standing thirty feet away from him wearing super tight shorts.

I quickly set the drinks down on the table. “You let him go to the bathroom by himself?”

“Nick, I’m sure he’s fine. I think he knows what to do when he gets in the bathroom, don’t you?”

“Oh, god, AJ, that’s not the point. What if he freaks or if something goes wrong or anything!” I stated as I threw my hands angrily into the air. AJ never broke his gaze away from the girl. “AJ? ARE YOU LISTENING TO A WORD I’VE SAID?”

“I’m going to look for Brian,” I knew I pretty much said to no one in particular since AJ was involved in looking at that girl.

“Yeah, okay, sure,” AJ mumbled as I stormed past him.

After walking into the men’s room and not finding a trace of Brian, I could feel my heart beating faster out of sheer panic. “I knew this was a mistake,” I kept mumbling over and over as I frantically scanned the bar crowd looking for my best friend. He was no where to be seen. I quickly returned to the booth, silently praying that Brian would be sitting down with AJ again, but finding that my prayers weren’t answered when I saw AJ sitting with the girl in the tight shorts.

“Shit, AJ he wasn’t anywhere.”

“Nicky, just sit down and wait, I’m sure he musta gotten involved in a conversation, okay? Relax and drink, things will be fine,” AJ soothed.

Taking AJ’s advice, I sat down in the booth, but I kept my eyes scanning the club, hoping I would spot him somewhere.

+Chapter Seventeen+

Trying to Blend In

Brian’s eyes darted back and forth, nervously. It had been months since he had been in any type of crowd situation and at least a year since he disappeared from the face of the earth after his illness was leaked out somewhat to the media. Although the public knew he was sick, the nature of his illness was never disclosed.

His heart quickly sank as two young women approached him as he tried to make his way back to the table and to “safety.”

“Ahem, excuse me, but aren’t you Brian from Backstreet?”

Brian looked at the petite blonde, warily. She oddly reminded her of someone familiar to him, but he was unable to place her. “Yes I am.”

She smiled coyly at him. “I kinda thought so. My name’s Steph, and this is my friend Shelly.”

“Hi ladies,” Brian replied with a forced smile.

“Would you mind coming with us over to our table, my other two friends are huge BSB fans and they would never forgive me if I didn’t have you come and meet them,” Stephanie asked, twirling a strand of her blond hair around a finger, nervously.

Brian looked past her shoulder, trying to see if he could see his table. “Oh, I dunno, my friends would be looking for me--”

“Oh come on, you’d only be gone two seconds, five at the most,” Shelly pleaded.

Deciding that only a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, Brian followed the girls over to their table in the club. After several minutes of exhanging pleasantries, Brian decided it was time to head back to his table.

“It was nice talking to you, ladies, but I think my company might be worried that I’ve been gone this long.”

“Thanks for meeting us, you have no idea how much that means to us,” the girls chirped happily.

Brian walked away and started walking towards where he thought the table was only to find that table filled with people he didn’t recognize. He scanned the bar for something that looked familiar to him to get his bearings but couldn’t find anything.

“Okay, I’ll just retrace my steps back from the bathroom,” Brian said to himself, quietly. After a few minutes he found the bathroom, but that only by following other people. He debated about standing by the doors, thinking that maybe he would be found by his party when he got the sickening realization that he couldn’t remember who he came to the club with.

The Exit sign caught his attention and he decided that maybe if he went outside, he would remember what vehicle he came to this place in.

~*~*~*~*~

I kept softly drumming my fingers on the table, eyes scanning the bar for any sign of Brian. AJ on the other hand was enjoying his conversation with the girl in the tight shorts.

“Nick! Dude! You’re annoying us, knock it off with the drumming!” AJ glared.

“AJ, something’s wrong, he’s been gone for over twenty minutes, he was no where to be seen in the bathroom and I’ve circled this damn club twice now!”

“Nicky, Nicky, I’m sure he’s fine, god you worry too damn much,” AJ replied as he tossed back his drink, the third one since they’ve been there.

“Okay, do you want to explain to Greenville how we lost Brian when he comes up missing in the morning?”

“Screw Greenville, judas Nick, loosen up, he’s probably found a girl and he’s getting to know which I think is a good, theraputic thing for him to do, you should try it sometime, or aren’t girls your thing?”

I tossed AJ the dirtiest look possible and reached into my wallet and threw a ten down on the table for a tip. “I want the keys dumbass.”

AJ looked up at me over the top of his shades. “No way!”

“Listen McLean, we can’t keep dicking around. Brian’s lost and you don’t seem to be too damned concerned at the moment. I am and I’m sorry, but I care, don’t you think you should make an effort? I’m sure if the shoes were switched, Brian would be tearing up the ends of the earth looking for your sorry ass.”

He looked over at his new love interest and softly chuckled. “The boy shows he does have a spine.”

I had enough. I reached in and grabbed him by the silk shirt he was wearing and literally threw him out from the booth. “Listen,” I started saying through gritted teeth, “he’s your brother too, we have to find him.”

AJ pushed himself away from me and straightened his shirt. “Listen baby, I have to go, Nick here seems to be a little testy tonight. I got your number, I’ll call,” he told the young girl and planted a kiss on her cheek to seal his comments as he left.

“Don’t sit by the phone,” I remarked as I followed AJ past her towards the doors.

+Chapter Eighteen+

Abandoned

~*~*~*~

The chilly night air was like a slap in Brian’s face as he left the security of the night club. He scanned the parking lot, hoping he could spot the car that he came in, but nothing looked familiar to him. He quickly surmised that the guys had left without him and he was to fend for himself and try to find way back to his house, completely forgetting that he was no longer living at home. He decided his best bet would be to start walking in the direction he felt his house was located. He folded his arms across his chest for warmth and trudged down the street.

A white house with black colored shutters kept popping into Brian’s head. He was certain that this was his house and he tried to think of the name of the street but could only come up with jumbled words that made no sense. Suddenly, the word Richardson Avenue was on a street sign and it was familiar to Brian. Without hesitation, he headed down the unlit street, further out of the city limits.

After walking roughly a mile, the wind started to pick up and rain suddenly poured down.

“Just great,” Brian mumbled to himself. Lightening flashed not too far from where he was walking, triggering a newfound fear of storms. Brian started shivering as he looked around for some type of shelter from the storm. He spotted an open garage door with a car parked in it. He debated about going to the dark garage, but the sudden clap of thunder dismissed any reservations he had at that moment. The house was dark so Brian decided it would be okay to just crawl into the car and wait until the storm blew over.

~*~*~*~*~

I flung the heavy door exiting the club into the parking lot. I was silently praying that I would find Brian sitting on the bench by the door, waiting for us. To my disappointment, he was again no where to be seen.

“SHIT! AJ HE’S NOT HERE!”

“Nick, just calm down, I’m sure he didn’t go very far,” AJ remarked casually as he unlocked the car doors.

I sighed, trying to count to ten before I completely lost it. “You’re not getting it, are you?”

AJ only looked at me, blinking his eyes, evidently nothing was registering.

“Give me the keys, I’m driving since you’ve already drank three whiskey sours,” I insisted as I held my palm out.

Reluctantly, AJ handed the keys over and we traded places. I didn’t waste anytime as I stuck the key in the ignition and started the engine.

“Where are you even gonna start looking Nick? You have no idea if he caught a ride back,” AJ asked.

I shook my head. “Oh yeah, Brian’s gonna catch a ride back to Greenville. Think about it AJ! God this was a stupid idea, I knew it was wrong before we snuck him out. Why do I even listen to your ass? Shit, we are in so much trouble!” I slammed the palms of my hands against the steering wheel. I ran a hand through my hair as I was thinking, trying to desperately make a bad situation go good.

“Well?”

I looked over at AJ, one part of me wanting to grab ahold of his shirt and bitch slap him from here to kingdom come, the other part of me trying to think past all the anger and rage I was feeling at the moment. Taking a deep breath, I clicked the car into reverse. “He couldn’t have walked too far, we drive down the strip.”

+Chapter Nineteen+

Temporary Shelter, New Friends

~*~*~*~*~

Ten year old Kayla Morris skipped happily out into her garage. She had been left with her seventy-two year old grandmother for the month while her parents vacationed in Hawaii. Her grandmother was still sleeping when she snuck out of the house. She wanted to play in her playhouse but needed the dishes she had set aside in a box in the garage.

Walking past her parent’s white cadillac, Kayla’s breath caught when she saw what looked like a body laying in the back seat.

“Ohmygosh!” she whispered quietly, dropping a dish that was in her hand. The shattering of the plate on the concrete caused the person in the back of the car to stir.

Kayla backed quickly away from the broken glass towards the wall. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest and she was afraid that the person would come after her and attack her. Her fears quieted and then started up again when she saw the face belonging to the person.

“Ohmygosh!”

Brian looked at the girl, puzzled. He was unsure of where he was and how he got there. His memory was coming to him in flickers of faces and places, but nothing connected that meant anything relevant to him at the moment.

“Sh-h-h-h, don’t be scared, I won’t hurt you,” Brian said in a soothing voice.

“Are... are.. you alright?” Kayla asked the person that was getting out of her parent’s car. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair was a mess. His unshaven face added more of an effect to the whole total sleeping-in-a-stranger’s car effect.

Brian rubbed the back of his neck, stiff from sleeping in an akward postion all night. “Yeah, I think so.”

“My name’s Kayla Morris,” Kayla stated as she offered a tiny hand to Brian.

“Mine’s,” Brian stopped for a second to think of his name but nothing came to him.

“It’s Brian Littrell,” Kayla finished Brian’s sentence for him.

Brian couldn’t place the name, but he was glad that she at least knew who he was. Maybe she could take him back home.

“I’ve got all your CD’s and my room is covered in posters, don’t get mad, they’re mainly of Howie, but like you too,” the brown haired girl giggled.

‘Howie must have been the man that took me to that place last night,’ Brian thought to himself.

“I bet you’re hungry, aren’t you? I can make you a bowl of cereal, but you’re gonna have to eat it in my playhouse, Nanna don’t like strangers in the house,” Kayla smiled.

“I am a little bit hungry since you brought it up,” Brian agreed.

“Here, take my hand and I’ll take you out to the playhouse,” Kayla offered.

Without hesitating, Brian took the girl’s hand and followed her out of the garage towards the back of the house. Sitting on the ground with landscaped bushes around it was a tiny white playhouse with a dark green door and two windows with flowered curtians.

“I have to warn you, there’s a lot of posters of that Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake. It was during my dark period,” Kayla sighed.

Brian managed a slight chuckle at the girl’s apology.

“Okay, you sit right here at the table and I’ll be back in a few minutes with your breakfast,” Kayla stated as she softly closed the door. Brian watched her skip across the green grass and then let herself into a sliding door into the house. Within a few minutes she returned with a bowl brimming with Cheerios, some of it spilling over the sides as she walked and a glass of orange juice.

“Here you go,” Kayla said as she proudly set the bowl and juice down in front of Brian. She sat opposite of him and rested her head in her hands, watching him hungrily spoon the cereal into his mouth. “Did I do okay?”

“Perfect,” Brian answered with a mouthful of cereal, milk dripping out of the corner of his mouth.

~*~*~*~*~

“I don’t see why I have to go in here with you,” AJ sputtered as we stood at the door to Greenville.

“Because, dumbass, number one, it was your half-baked idea to take Brian out. Number two, you didn’t seem to want to watch him all the time we were at the club. Number three you lost him---”

“I did not lose his ass, he lost himself,” AJ interrupted.

I threw my hands up in the air. “God, it’s like talking to a brick wall. I need to tell them about Brian before I can place a police report to find him! Judas, do you ever think clearly AJ?”

“Okay, okay, so after all this, we can go home?” AJ asked.

“Hell no we can’t go home, we still have to look for Brian,” I replied as I hit the buzzer to the door.

“Well, I’m hungry and I need a shower,” AJ whined.

I grabbed AJ’s arm and dragged him into the nursing home. “And you don’t think Brian’s hungry or needs a hot shower either?”

Swallowing hard, AJ and I approached the main desk. I hated to do this but it was something that had to be done, morally and legally. “Yes, I need to see the administrator to this place please.”

The woman behind the desk stared at us for a moment and then picked up a phone and punched in a three digit number. “Yes, Donna? I have two men asking to speak with you. I don’t know...... okay, I’ll send them down.”

I felt like I was going to throw up as we walked down the hall in the direction we were sent. AJ was lagging so badly that I had to keep looking over my shoulder to make sure he hadn’t turned around and ran back to the car.

“Hi, I’m Donna Anderson, and you are?”

I looked down at the short, gray haired woman with a reddish complection and a no nonesence demeanor about her.

“Nick Carter and this is AJ McLean,” I stated quickly as I shook her hand.

The woman directed us to blue plastic chairs that were situated in front of the dark wood desk that she sat behind.

“So, what brings you here to Greenville,” she asked, leaning forward in her chair.

“My friend Brian Littrell, we um, we sort of lost him last night,” I stated quietly.

“He died?”

“No worse ma’am,” AJ replied.

God, I wanted to smack him in the back of the head for that remark. I stiffened up in my seat. “No, we sorta lost him at a club that we snuck him out to last night.”

“Good lord,” the woman exclaimed. She reached into her desk and pulled out a ‘Lost Person’s Report Sheet’. “Let’s start from when you picked him up, I need every detail.”

+Chapter Twenty+

Getting Acquainted

~*~*~*~*~

Kayla sat across Brian, watching him eat the bowl of cereal. She propped her head up with her hands as she leaned on the tiny wooden table, noticing that he looked out of place on the small chair set that came with the table.

“I heard on the radio that you have been sick,” Kayla stated quietly.

Setting the spoon gently back into the bowl, Brian stared at the little girl for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. He nodded slowly, but wasn’t certain what he was sick from or why it would have been on the news for that matter.

“I guess so.”

“They said you could have died,” the girl said solemenly.

“What exactly did the news tell you I had?” Brian asked hesitantly.

“Well, um, they said something about lou something key and it made you really sick,” Kayla replied after thinking for a few moments.

“Lou something key?”

“Yeah, that’s what they said but I dunno for sure.”

Brian racked his brain trying to put together what the girl was telling him. “It couldn’t have been Leukemia, could it?”

“That’s it! That’s the one!” Kayla announced happily and then she suddenly realized she was talking to the person that had the problem and quickly wiped the smile from her face. “I’m sorry, yeah it was Leukemia, but they said you were better now.”

Again, Brian was left to wonder about it. If it was Leukemia, as she had said, why didn’t he remember it and why couldn’t he remember something as simple as where he lived or what happened last week or yesterday for that matter. Why couldn’t he remember something as simple as his name either? Distressed, Brian sadly shook his head and stared down at the floor.

“Why are you so sad? Do you miss your friend Nick?” Kayla asked.

Okay, Nick? Who was Nick? Brian thought to himself. He looked up at the posters that were on the wall. She had said there were pictures of Nick and some guy named Justin. Looking at the pictures, he couldn’t tell who was who. Images kept flashing in his mind, but nothing that looked like either one of those people.

“I don’t feel so good,” Brian finally replied as he rubbed the side of his face.

“Are you tired?”

He nodded in reply.

“I have a sleeping bag in my room. I can go get it and a pillow so you can lay down. You can take a nice long nap and I will come back and bring you lunch at noon, okay?”

Laying down and sleeping sounded good to Brian. He gladly accepted her offer and waited patiently for her to return with her pink Barbie sleeping bag, some blankets and two pillows. She made the bed up for him on the floor of the playhouse and insisted that he take his shoes off and lay down. She drew the tiny drapes closed in the windows.

“There, you take a nice nap and I will come back and check on you later,” Kayla said as she drew the blankets up towards Brian’s chin. She gently kissed him on the forehead and with that, she quietly closed the door to the playhouse.

+Chapter Twenty-One+

Reinforcements

~*~*~*~*~

“YOU DID WHAT?!” Kevin’s voice boomed into the phone. I quickly pulled it away from my ear and AJ’s eyes grew wide when he heard Kevin’s yelling.

“I.. I didn’t do it, it wasn’t my idea, it was AJ’s,” I defended, passing the blame back.

“I don’t care whose idea it was, the fact is that you two took Brian from a safe situation and placed him into a risky and dangerous one, not a very smart move at all!”

“Well, AJ insisted that he come and Brian was okay when he left----”

“Brian can be okay for two minutes or two hours, you know that and I know that, there’s no excuse for this at all Nick.”

“I’m sorry it happened. I don’t know what to say,” I grasped at words trying to express my remorse for allowing this to get to this point.

“Excuses and apologies won’t bring Brian back,” Kevin spat.

“I know, I know.”

“So what have you done so far?”

“Well, um, after looking up and down the main strip for him for a few hours, we went to Greenville and reported him missing and then we took the report over to the police station and reported him as a missing person. They said that they would put an APB out since he is considered as being not mentally stable,” I replied.

“Okay, with me being in California, I can’t walk out the front door and look for my cousin, you need to keep pounding the pavement looking for him. I’m going to catch a flight in and I will be there as soon as I can to help you guys look for him. Have you contacted Howie at all?”

“No, not yet.”

“Then do it, get him to help you, the more people looking for him the better our odds. He can’t be too far away, he probably found shelter in an abandoned building or something. Maybe if his memory comes back to him, he’ll try and call someone, but until then, we know he’s not thinking clearly,” Kevin surmised.

“Okay, bye.”

My voice was barely audible when I replied. As I hung the phone up, I felt sick to my stomach. This was probably one of the worst situations I had ever found myself in and my best friend’s life was being compromised from it.

+Chapter Twenty-Two+

Come Back to Me

~*~*~*~*~

~*~*~*~*~

“So, let me see if I understand this one now. You asked Brian to go out clubbing with you?” Howie asked AJ, eyebrows raised in question.

“Yeah, you got it right,” AJ growled in reply.

“But we’re talking Brian here, B-rok, the guy that reads his Bible before he goes to bed at night, Brian-mister-I-don’t-go-clubbin-Littrell, the holy-----”

“I GET YOUR POINT!” AJ snapped.

“Alright.... geesh, don’t blow a nut over it!”

I could vaguely hear arguing in the car as I walked up to it. “Good god, you guys are freaks!”

“Nick, just get in the car and go,” AJ demanded, pulling a cigarette out of a freshly opened pack of Salem’s.

“Okay,” I sighed, sticking the key into the ignition. “Any suggestions?”

Howie thought as he took a gulp from the cherry coke he was holding. “Okay, I think we should start out from the club and then head north five blocks, then south five blocks and so on and so on.”

“Like we didn’t do that before!” AJ sputtered.

“No, AJ listen to me! I think we should look for things that Brian may have recognized or might have thought he recognized, understand?”

It sounded like a good idea. “Yeah, I get it, maybe something that looks like a place we’ve been to?”

“Exactly, a place we’ve been to or words, phrases or a name,” Howie suggested.

“I don’t see where we’re gonna find his ass,” AJ replied.

“Well we gotta look AJ, do you want to face Kevin when we can’t find Brian?” I glared at his face. Dammit, I hated those freakin sunglasses he wore, you could never tell if his eyes were open or if he was looking at you when you talked to him.

Instead of words, AJ put his hand up and then gestured towards the windshield. I decided that was his cue to just drive, which I did gladly. Anything to stop the arguing.

~*~*~*~

“Brian?” Kayla said softly as she walked into the playhouse. She found him still asleep on the floor, laying ontop of the sleeping bag, arms sprawled out to the sides. Quietly, she knelt down next to him and gently tapped him on the shoulder. “Brian?”

Brian’s reply was a soft moan followed by him turning his back away from Kayla. “Nick, leave me alone!” he mumbled.

“No, I’m not Nick, I’m Kayla.”

He opened his eyes and stared briefly at the posters that were adorning the wall, in front of his face. It was a picture of Justin Timberlake. A sudden chill went down his spine and he quickly turned back towards the direction of the tiny voice.

“Who... who are you?”

Kayla giggled. “You are silly.”

Brian thought for a moment. The last thing he remembered was going to a club with Nick and AJ and then needing to use the restroom. After that, his memory was pretty much fogged out. He sat up quickly, tossing the blankets around. “Oh crap.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I need to find that place I was at last ni.... wait, how long have I been here?”

“I dunno, I found you sleeping in the backseat of my parent’s car last night,” Kayla replied.

Brian searched his memory trying to think of a date that he went out with AJ and Nick. He drew a blank. “Honey, are your parent’s home?”

Kayla shook her head. “I told you they were on vacation and my Grandma is staying with me. She is in the house. She would be mad at me if she knew I had you in my playhouse.”

Brian raked a hand through his hair. “Well, I guess I’m going to have to try and find my way back to my friends.”

“I can go with you, maybe I can help you find them,” Kayla offered.

Brian thought about that for a minute. In a way it would be a good thing to have the little girl accompany him in case his mind spaced out again but in another way she was obviously young and he felt that it might put her in trouble with her Grandmother.

“Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea sweetie,” Brian stated with a sigh.

“No, it’s okay, I will tell her I’m going over to Lizzie’s house, stay right here,” Kayla insisted with a stern look on her face.

A few minutes later and the girl returned holding a small paper bag.

“I brought you a new toothbrush and some toothpaste and some soap and a towel. There’s a McDonald’s down the street and you could use their bathroom to brush your teeth,” Kayla happily announced.

Brian sheepishly took the paper bag from the girl. “Thanks, let’s get going so you won’t be away from home for very long.”

Chapter 23

Miscalculated Steps

“Okay, we’re heading north, any suggestions?” I sighed as I drove the car down the busy street. I could see AJ out the corner of my eye, he seemed to be more busier watching the girls walking along the sidewalks than looking for Brian. Howie on the other hand, was actually looking. “Hey, excuse me, but what else do you suggest I do here?”

“Just keep on driving,” AJ mumbled.

“Oh, I’ll keep driving but you better start doing a better job of looking for Brian,” I grumbled.

“I am, ass,” came the quick reply from the front passenger seat.

“Guys.... guys, let’s not start arguing please!” Howie pleaded from the back seat.

The silence in the car was uncomfortable even though it was a welcome change over the arguing. Every stop light we hit, each of us looked down the intersection, hoping that there would be some type of a clue in finding Brian.

“So, what should we be looking for exactly?” AJ wondered outloud.

“I’m thinking anything that Brian would or could associate with home or getting home,” I offered.

“Exactly,” Howie added.

AJ rolled his eyes. “Like we’re gonna see ‘BRIAN THIS WAY AND TURN LEFT’ signs.”

“Sometimes ya have to try and not look so hard to find the obvious,” Howie pointed out.

“Thank you Howard Littrell,” AJ joked. That was always Brian’s philsophical nature. He would assume the glass was half full instead of half empty.

“Hey, at this point, I’m willing to try anything here AJ.”

~*~*~*~*~

“Brian, it’s funny that no one recognizes you when they see you,” Kayla commented as she walked beside a weary Brian.

Brian nodded slightly, not really sure what she was implying.

“I guess I could see why though, you’re kinda dirty looking, not really bad, but you definately don’t look like yourself at all right now. Maybe after we get to McDonald’s you’ll look like yourself again.”

Brian stopped abruptly and Kayla, not anticipating his actions, kept plodding down the sidewalk for a few more steps before turning around.

“Why do you keep saying that people should know me? Did I grow up here?”

“No silly, I think it was in Kentucky,” Kayla replied.

“Then how did I wind up here?” Brian asked as he looked at his surroundings.

“I dunno, but that’s what we’re trying to do now is find your way back home,” the little girl said with a hopeful smile on her face.

“Okay, I guess I have to trust you in this cause I have no idea where I am or how to get help,” Brian replied with a sigh.

Kayla tugged at Brian’s arm. “Come on, the McDonald’s is up at this corner, across the street. Let’s go!”

Kayla took off ahead of Brian skipping happily along the sidewalk. Brian smiled in spite of himself, watching the young girl.

“Hey, wait for me!”

Suddenly, Brian’s smiled vanished from his face as he saw Kayla run out into the street towards the restaurant. He saw a dark colored car looming down towards where she stood, the occupants didn’t seem to be looking at the road. He picked up his pace and ran towards the little girl, throwing himself towards her, pushing her to the ground, out of harm’s reach. The last things he heard were her screams and the screech of tires.

Chapter 24 - Take it Back

I kept looking up and down the street for some type of clue of Brian’s whereabouts. I was just about to give up when Howie yelled.

“Nick! Look out!”

Startled, I quickly looked out the windshield in time to see a young girl standing in the middle of the road, my car baring down towards her. By the time I reacted and stomped on the brakes, a blue of a man lept in front of the car, pushing the girl down to the ground, off the side. I felt the sickening thud of the body hitting the front bumber of the car.

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!” I yelled as I slammed the car into park.

My hands seemed to be useless at the moment as I fumbled at the door handle trying to get out of the vehicle. AJ lept out of his door and got to the body laying on the ground before me. I froze in my tracks when I heard his voice cry out.

“YOU HIT BRIAN!”

I thought this had to be some sort of sick joke or someone that looked like Brian. I was afraid to look when I neared the front of the car. True to his words, there Brian lay on the pavement, the little girl standing off to the side of the road, crying inconsoleably.

“Oh my god, what have I done?”

I knelt beside Brian, afraid to touch him. All I could think of was that I killed him. This was my best friend, he trusted me and I go and hit him with my car and kill him.

“Howie, call for an ambulance,” AJ barked. He quickly knelt down beside me and seemed to be at a loss for words like me. I stared at Brian, my eyes filming over with the tears that were threatening to fall at any moment. How could I have done this to him? He trusted me.

I felt AJ clamp a hand on my shoulder and I immediately stiffened. “Nick, it’s not your fault.”

I shook my head. “Yes it is.”

“He’s gonna be okay kid, don’t worry about it, everything’s gonna be alright,” AJ added.



I glared at AJ and then at Howie. “You don’t know that he’s okay, hell I probably killed him.” I quickly put my hands over my face and fell back onto the pavement. This was more than I could take. The sirens from the police car and the ambulance made it worse.

Howie took the little girl that was with Brian by the hand and led her over to the sidewalk, AJ coaxed me up off the ground and wrapped an arm around my shoulder as I leaned against him. I kept my head down as I walked, not wanting to look at any of the people that had gathered along the side of the street. I resigned myself to be a spectator and watch the paramedics work on Brian and finally put him into the ambulance.

Chapter 25

"Mr. Carter?"

I took my head out of my hands and glanced up over at the door. An older nurse dressed in scrubs, a bright green stethoscope hung lazily around her neck.

"He’s settled in his room, you can go in but only for ten minutes, follow me."

I followed her like a lost dog, through some double doors with the words ICU AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY yelling in bold letters on the front of each door. The ward was a complete circle, every room had a huge window so you could see every bed with every patient laying in them. She led me to room number 6 and held the door open for me to pass by her. I gave her a slight nod for thanks and walked numbly into his room.

The noise coming from the machines added to my already building guilt but when I finally took a look at him I wanted the earth to swallow me up and take me right at that moment. His left leg was resting on two pillows, the cast going from mid thigh to the tips of his toes. Brian’s face was bruised and scraped, his lower lip was cut and swollen. Any skin that was exposed on his body was either scraped or covered in bruises or both.

"Oh god what did I do to you?"

I sank to my knees and buried my face into the side of the hospital bed. Suddenly I felt some fingers lightly touching the top of my head. At first I dismissed it as just a "feeling" but the touch persisted and when I finally looked up, I was expecting one of the guys to be standing over me.

"It’s okay," Brian softly whispered, his eyes were open only to slits but you could still see the sharp blueness of his eyes.

I laid the side of my face into his open hand and he took his other hand and placed it against my other cheek. The warmth and calmness of his touch had a definate calming effect over me. I was still hiccuping from the crying jag, trying to get my emotions back in check and here Brian was, laying in this bed all broken up and bruised and he was comforting me!

Then it hit me. The window was open again and Brian was with us!

"Is she okay?"

I narrowed my eyes at Brian for a second then I remembered the little girl he sacrificed his life for. "Oh, yeah. She was shook up but she’s okay thanks to you."

With a slight smile on his face, he closed his eyes. It was as if once he knew she was alright he could rest and concentrait on getting better.

As I gently touched his shoulder, praying I was making contact with a spot that didn’t hurt him, I reaffirmed his need to get rest and heal.

"I’ll check back on you later my friend."

CHAPTER 26

Okay, I had to admit I was feeling alot better once Brian kinda set my mind at ease but once I walked back to the private waiting room off the ICU, I was met by Kevin and things went from good to bad to worse in a split second. He grabbed me by the shirt and pinned me against the wall.

"JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?" Kevin hissed, his face directly in front of me.

"I... I don’t know," my voice squeaked.

Kevin didn’t let up on the barrage of questions. "Nick, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind and you took it upon yourself to take him out to a goddamned club and then you proceed in not only losing him for a day and a half but you try and kill him with your car!"

I gave up on resisting him, he was right, I tried to kill my best friend and at this moment I felt that he was my only friend in the world.

"KEV, LEAVE NICK.... LET GO OF HIM!" AJ yelled as he entered the waiting room and immediately tried to pull Kevin’s grasp from me. Footsteps squeaking out in the hall was soon met up with faces of hospital security.

"Shit," Kevin mumbled as he let go of my shirt. "There’s no problem here, we’re sorry it got so loud, we’ll close the door," he stated to the security men in a calm voice.

I caught AJ rolling his eyes behind Kevin as he listened to him post a fake appology to the men. I slumped back against the wall trying to smooth the wrinkles out of my tee shirt.

"Any more outbursts and you will all have to leave the hospital, this is a section of the hospital that doesn’t need this type of commotion," the older of the two guards scolded.

"Yessir, we totally understand," Kevin apologized.

With that excuse made, the men left with Kevin softly shutting the door behind them. I could feel my body tense up when he turned and cast an icy stare at me with those green eyes. AJ immediately stepped between Kevin and me.

"Kevin, Nick’s going through hell right now and this isn’t the time or the place to start this shit so I would suggest you sit down and chill."

"And what if I don’t?"

"Don’t even tempt me," AJ rasped.

In a switch of roles, Kevin was now listening to AJ’s advice and took a seat directly across from mine, his eyes fixed on me, never letting up his stare. Normally I would have stared back at him, but I felt so guilty about Brian, I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

The room was so quiet I swear I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Suddenly, Kevin started crying, sending chills through my body.

"I’m sorry Nick, I - I just don’t.... I’m scared, I’m sorry," he rambled.

"It’s okay Kev, don’t worry about me," I replied quietly. "Howie should be coming back in a minute and then you probably can go to Brian," I added after a moment of silence.

"I just feel so responsible for all of you guys and especially for Brian and it’s just that everything that could go wrong has," Kevin said in a low, pain filled voice.

"I know," I answered, the tears running down my face mirroring AJ’s and his.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“I’ve got some terriffic news to report regarding Brian’s progress with his cancer,” Dr. Loenstein announced as he laid a blue folder down on his desk.

Howie, AJ and Kevin waited for the doctor to continue, literally holding their breaths.

“Brian’s cancer is in complete remission and I have good reason to believe that he will be coming out of this with his mental status intact.”

“Layman’s terms doc,” AJ requested.

Dr. Loenstein chuckled at AJ’s remark. “Basically what I’m telling you is that Brian will be Brian again, no amnesia, his short term memory has been affected from the chemo, there’s nothing that will ever change that, but Brian won’t be drifting off into total unawareness. Is that more clearer to you?”

“Crystal,” AJ replied.

“So he’s well enough to go now and actually go back to his own life and not back to Greenville?” Howie questioned.

“Yes, he can go back to his home, not to the nursing facility,” the doctor stated, smiling.

Kevin sighed a huge sigh of relief. He stood up and pumped the doctor’s hand vigorously. “God, thank you so much Dr. Loenstein!”

Chapter 28

I took a long drag off the cigarette before I spoke. Letting it out slowly, I gathered my thoughts, trying to pick the best choice of words. No matter what I would say, I knew the doctor would see through me.

“Nick? I did you hear me?” Dr. Blake asked peering at my face over his gold wire rimmed glasses.

“Yeah, I heard you, I.. I just don’t know how to say what I want to say,” I replied.

“We are working closer to closure, you understand that, don’t you?”

I nodded as I squashed the cigarette out into the ashtray. I neeed more time for analysis. Brian was better, why wasn’t I? I desperately wanted closure on this too, but something was holding me back. Something kept gnawing at me.

“Nick, I’m thinking about having you admitted for a few days to work this out,” the doctor finally stated after I hadn’t spoken for a few minutes.

“God, no, anything but a mental hospital!” I argued.

“You’re not getting through this and to be quite honest with you, I am questioning your mental stability on this issue.”

I know my mouth dropped open. My body felt like rubber. “Are.. are you saying I’m crazy?”

“No, no, you’re not crazy and we never use that term---”

“I don’t care what term you use, you think I’m a freakin nutcase!”

“Nick, calm down please. This is what I’m proposing to you, just listen and hear me out,” the doctor stated in a calm voice.

I gripped the armrests, waiting for the sentence he seemed to be wanting to give me. I slowly nodded. “Okay, tell me.”

“I would like to place you under my care inpatient. That way I can use some various drug therapies and some hypnotherapies to help crack the obsticle that is keeping you from blaming yourself about Brian’s illness and the accident.”

“And what if I don’t agree to this?”

“Your parents are backing me on this,” the doctor replied.

“They can’t do a damn thing about this, I’m over twenty-one, I’m an adult,” I spat.

“Nick, either you sign yourself in or I will be forced to take the necessary steps to delcare your incompetence. Please you really don’t want that do you? Just sign the papers and we will make sure that it will be released to the press that you are being treated for something that will be acceptable.”

I was forced into a corner. I couldn’t believe that my family would betray me like this. God, I had been going to therapy every day because they wanted me to, now they think I’m crazy? The only thing that made me stop and think this through was Brian. He had been through so much with his health and I’m being a stubborn ass and not getting all the help I needed.

I took a deep breath in before I spoke. “Okay, where’s the paper I have to sign?”

The doctor conveniently had a paper attached to a black acrylic clipboard on his desk. There was a big red X beside the line I was to sign at. “Here.”

Chapter 29

I stared out the window of my dad’s car as he drove me to Cortez Community Health Hospital. Although I signed the papers to have me admitted as a patient there, I still couldn’t get past the feeling that I had made some type of mistake. This seemed embarrassing to me, I mean, I wasn’t suicidal, at least I didn’t think I demonstated that I had those tendancies.

“Hey Nick, Aaron wanted me to give you something, it’s in the glovebox, red package.”

I glanced over at my dad as I reached for the glovebox. I knew I was putting my family through hell with the way I was acting since Brian’s accident, I felt horrible about it. When I opened the compartment, a small, red box was waiting for me. Without hesitation, I tore the paper off the package. It was a cassette tape with my first name written in Aaron’s handwriting on the front. “What’s this?”

“Aaron wanted you to have this, I don’t know what’s on it, I didn’t press him, but I’m sure it’s something special,” my father assured me.

I slipped the cassette into my jacket pocket, brushing the pack of cigarettes. I hesitated for a moment, touching the lighter. I really could have smoked at that moment to relieve the tension I was feeling, but I couldn’t bring myself up to letting my dad down with smoking.

My heart caught in my throat as the car rounded the corner and a tall, stone wall with steel gates came into view. I nervously swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as I read the words: CORTEZ COMMUNITY HEALTH HOSPITAL. This was it, the “crazy house”, I was scared to death. I about jumped ten feet in the air when my father touched my shoulder and began to speak.

“Nick, it’s going to be okay. This was a good decision on your part, you are taking the right steps to getting better. You know that your mother and I are supporting you one hundred percent as well as your sisters and brother.”

I blinked the tears back, praying silently that they wouldn’t fall. I didn’t want to be labeled a wuss, I needed to take this like a man - a man that was scared shitless and wanted to run far and fast from this place. The only thing that was stopping me from doing that at that particular moment was that the car was still moving.

Dad pulled up under the black canopy and insisted on taking my carryon bag to the door, against my protests. He quickly pushed the button on the tiny gray box that was mounted next to the windowed doors.

“Yes?” a female voice cracked across the intercom system.

“Nickolas Carter is here for admission,” came my father’s reply. I simply hung my head. I felt humiliated.

A sharp humming noise followed by a click, indicated that the door was opened for our entrance. Once we had stepped inside, the door seemed to have slammed shut, I took that as a silent ’you belong to us now - do not escape’. As we entered the lobby, we were immediately greeted by a woman, who appeared to be in her late forties, dark hair pulled back away from her face and a soft manner in the way she carried herself.

“Hi, Nickolas? My name is Alberta Watson,” she stated as she offered her hand out for me to shake.

“Nick,” I corrected as best as I could with mumbling. “Hi.”

“Okay, hi Nick, and you must be his father I take it?”

I glanced around the lobby and the woman not missing a beat, immediately addressed it.

“Relax Nick, it’s not like what you see in movies and on television,” Alberta soothed.

I smiled at her slightly. This was all too weird for me. “Well, um, I was kinda expecting something different I guess.”

“We have a special ward for those types of patients, they’re isolated from the rest of the area, you don’t have to worry about that,” the woman smiled. She nervously cleared her throat and then smoothed her skirt. “Well, if you say your goodbyes to your father, we will get you situated and settled into a room.”

“I... I was hoping he could stay with me for a little longer,” I stammered. God, I really didn’t want him to leave me at all. As much as I hated to admit it, I was scared.

“Nick, I’m sorry but those are the rules. We have specific visiting hours and your family has already received the literature on that, am I right?” Alberta glanced towards my dad for acknowledgement.

Without hesitation, my dad quickly hugged me, holding me in his arms for a few moments. “Nick, it’s going to get better, just take this one day at a time, okay?”

One day at a time, that was always Brian’s motto on life.

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, son. We will talk to you tomorrow.”

Before he left, my father did the most amazing thing, something that I hadn’t gotten from him in over eight years. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and he kissed my forehead and hugged me again.

“Goodbye Nicky.”

Okay, the tears in his eyes did it to me. I lost it before he even left the hospital. The soft touch of Alberta wrapping an arm around my waist as she led me towards a hallway, seemed to calm me down a little.

“It’s going to be okay Nick. Don’t worry.”

Chapter Thirty

Alberta led me down a brightly lit hallway. I kept trying to push back the urge to turn and try to run. I was beginning to think that this whole inpatient thing was unnecessary - a waste of time for everyone.

Every room in the hall had heavy brown painted doors, each with a small glass window with mesh wire encased in each of them. I didn’t care to look into any of the windows as we walked past the doors, I wasn’t sure of what I would see and I was afraid of what I would find. Next to the doors were the letter/number system that they seemed to use. A-1, A-2 and so on. I figured each wing must have a different letter before the numbers.

“Let’s go in here, sweetie,” Alberta cooed, taking a moterhing ton of voice when she addressed me.

I followed her as I was told. She sized me up and then walked over towards a shelf lined with hospital scrubs in assorted colors. She handed me what looked like a week’s worth of teal colored scrubs and a pair of black flip flop sandals.

“Nick, I want you to go into the dressing room to your left and change into a pair of scrubs, remove your street shoes and put the sandals on.”

I hesitantly took the clothing from her and did as I was told, taking my clothes off and putting them into a large white bag alone with my shoes. She was waiting for me when I came back out and took the bag and placed a long piece of masking tape across it with my name as a label.

“There, this will go into a locker along with the bag you mistakenly brought along with you until you are ready to be released,” Alberta stated in business-like manner.

“There’s things in that bag I need,” I protested as I watched her slide my belongings into a locker.

“Nick, there isn’t anything you need while you’re here, everything will be provided for you,” Alberta said as she clicked the door shut and spun the dial on the paddlelock.

We walked a short distance from that room, stopping at room number a-28. Alberta removed her key ring and unlocked the door. Holding the door open, she encouraged me to enter my room.

“It’s okay sweetie, this is your room, go ahead and make yourself comfortable.”

My first look at the room revealed something to me that was odd. There was absolutely no metal or glass in the room. The bed frame was molded plastic, the dresser was plastic and a chair was also plastic.

“I’m not suicidal,” I stated in a defiant tone.

“I know dear, it’s just hospital policy,” Alberta reassured me. “Go ahead and relax, supper will be in two hours and then we will be having group therapy an hour after dinner ends and then bedtime. Someone will be down to get you when it’s suppertime.”

I watched as she turned to leave the room, as she left, she pulled the door shut and then I realized the situation wasn’t the greatest when she locked me in my room. I was officially imprisioned. I had no choice but to stay.

Chapter 31

~*~*~*~*~*~

I picked at the dinner which consisted of some type of hash, peaches and a glass of milk. I swear this was more like food that would be served in a prison. I pretty much assumed I was in a prison.

I looked over the sea of faces that were in the cafeteria. There were some very young faces and some that were up there in the years. So much for Cortez being a youth society, I surmized. Then, out of the corner of the room, I saw someone that looked familiar to me. Although I could only see his back, I could have sworn it was Brian, but what would Brian be doing in a nuthouse? I decided then and there I had to go look this person in the face. I needed reassurance that he wasn’t here too.

“Nickolas, where do you think you’re going? You are to only be in this section of the cafeteria!”

I stopped in my tracks hearing the voice with the thick German accent. How the heck did this person know my name? I never laid eyes on him before. I glanced down at the badge that was pinned to my scrubs. Shit.. yep there it was in color - my “mug shot” taken hours ago and my name “NICKOLAS” in bold black capital letters.

“I, um, well I need to see someone,” I pled my case to the huge mass of flesh with a badge that read - “WERNER, SECURITY”.

Werner only shook his head as he gestured back to the seat I had vacated. I hung my head when I saw the gesture. I quickly looked back over towards where this guy had been, making a mental note on the color of the scrubs he had been wearing since it seemed that the colors we wore indicated the section we were staying in. He was wearing a deep blue color. I had to find out not only what that meant, but where he was staying.

As I sat back down into my seat, the guy next to me was very intent on finishing up every last crumb of his food on the metal tray. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“Better eat up buddy, there’s no snacks in this place and breakfast will be a long time away.”

I shoved my untouched tray over towards the kid. I needed to take off some weight, I guessed that this would be a good time to do it. “You can have mine, I’m not into hash.”

“Gee thanks, but you’re gonna be sorry later on tonight,” he replied as he stacked my tray ontop of his finished one. I glanced over at his badge, the name read “PETER.” I smirked thinking stupid thoughts about the name I had just read.

“So... um, Peter? How long have you been here?”

“God, I think it’s been a little over two years,” Peter replied, between bites of hash.

“Wow, that’s a long time. I’m only going to be here a few days---”

“That’s what they got you believing?” he asked incrediously.

“That’s what’s going to happen,” I defended. There was no way in hell I was going to be staying past the alotted time we agreed upon. “Anyway, I noticed that the scrubs they have us in are in different colors. Like yours and mine are teal and we all have to sit together and I’m assuming go to therapy together?”

Peter nodded, pushing the thick rimmed glasses up his nose. “Yep, you got that right.”

“So, do you know what the teal ones are for?”

“Ours?”

“No Bob Jones down the hall, yeah ours,” I spat back with a sarcastic tone. I think I scared him a little because he sort of backed away when I replied.

“Touchy? Jeeze.”

“I’m sorry, my nerves are kinda fried, I mean I need a cigarette and I get a little antzy. So, anyways, what does our color mean?”

“Teal is for psychiatric.”

Okay, I guess that would be acceptable. Before I could ask him anything else, he droned on with all the information.

“Yellow is for depression, green is for drug abuse, white is for schizophrenics...”

“What about blue?” I interrupted, I didn’t really care about any of the other colors but the blue ones.

“Blue is for alcohol abuse,” Peter stated in a matter-of-fact, monotoned voice.

“Alcohol abuse?” I wondered outloud. Okay, no way could that have been Brian. He would never drink. The rest of us, yeah, sure thing, but Brian? No way.

A bell rang and everyone stood up.

“Where do we go now?”

“Group,” Peter grunted as he shoved his chair into the table.

“But I don’t know where to go,” I replied as I followed him out of the cafeteria.

Peter motioned with his hand. “Just follow me, all the teals go to the same room.”

Chapter 32

As much as I tried, I just couldn't place myself in the therapy session, my mind was elsewhere. I pride myself in being able to focus when asked a question while my head is some place else thanks to years of boring interviews, so as far as I knew, the therapist never noticed the difference.

My mind was back in the cafeteria. I had that urgent need to find that guy in the blue scrubs that resembled Brian. It was becoming an obsession and every minute that ticked away in that sesson, was stealing precious time from me.

"Hey, we can go now," Peter announced as he pushed down on my left shoulder.

My head shot up, "Go where?"

"Back to our rooms or you can go down to the rec room for an hour before they tell us to go to bed."

I looked at the clock on the wall. "Bed in an hour? It's only 8 o'clock!"

Peter pushed his glasses up. "Rules Nickolas, those are the rules."

As we walked down the hall I told Peter I was going to go to the rec room. "Hey, do they let the other people mix in there?"

"You mean teals with blues?"

"Yeah, unless they're totally psycho or something. Why? You scared of someone?"

I didn't bother to say anything, I just shook my head. Inwardly, I was relieved when Peter announced that he was heading to his room to read. I didn't want him hanging by me if I saw that guy again.

There was an assortment of colored scrubs milling around in the recreational room. A group of people in blue scrubs were sitting on the couch, watching an animal documentary on the tv. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that person sitting on the couch and the seat next to him was vacant. Without hesitating, I folded my arms over my chest, almost like it was going to give me the courage I needed, and approached the vacant seat.

I was going over 'ice breakers' to say something to this guy. I briefly licked my lips before I plunged into a conversation.

"Is this chair taken?" Okay, I admit, that wasn't the most clever line I could have used, hell, maybe that's why I've been single so much, but at any rate, all I got out of the guy was a grumble and a shrug of the shoulders.

"My name's Nick, what are you watching?"

The guy never took the time to look at my face, he mumbled something that sounded like the word 'Wild Kingdom.'

"What did you say your name was again?"

"I didn't."

Finally, he said something other than mumbling to me.

"You look like someone I know," I started to strike up a conversation again. The man only shrugged his shoulders and mumbled something to the effect that millions of people look like someone else. Finally, I got my reward and he looked at my face, his eyes a familiar haunting blue....

Chapter 33

My mouth dropped open when I came face to face with this person. They always say you have a twin somewhere, either I was looking right at Brian Littrell, or this guy was a dead ringer for him. I quickly stole a glance at his id badge, curious to place a name for this look-a-like.

"Why the hell are you so damned insistant on what my name is?" the guy hissed at me. He pulled it away from his shirt. "Look, see! Satisfied?"

He practically shoved the badge in my face, he obviously a little pissed off at me. There it was, in bold letters: ALEX

I smirked at the irony of the name, but I was also relieved to not see BRIAN pasted on the laminated badge.

"You're an ass," Alex declared as he stood up and walked past me.

"Thanks, been told that before," I retorted as I watched him walk out of the room. I was still amazed at how much he looked like Brian, but I was even more amazed that his mannerisms mimmicked AJ's.

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you, you have a visitor!"

"Huh?" I replied as I looked past the nurse at the clock on the wall.

"I know it's late, but I think due to the circumstances, they are overlooking the time and allowing the visit. Follow me, I'll take you to the visitation room."

I could barely keep up with the nurse that was leading me down the hall towards the visitation room. She acted excited over something.

“I’ve never confessed this to a soul, but I’m a huge fan of you guys, I always have been,” the woman gushed.

I looked at her back, perplexed. This was too damn weird hearing this from a woman old enough to be my mom. I glanced over my shoulder praying that someone was following us. Millions of thoughts - all of them not good thoughts - sprung into my paranoid brain. Things like: is it possible for a guy to be raped by a woman, what if she forces herself on me, and why were they out of sliced peaches when I was next in line at lunch. I was disappointed to see that the hallway was dark and empty, it was me and psycho nurse.

“Here we go!”

I froze in my tracks as she gestured to the open double doors to the room. I stared at he for a moment, wondering what her intentions were. Her only response was gesturing with her head for me to enter the room.

I walked around her at an obvious distance, thinking “defensive driving” thoughts: if she comes at me, turn around and run; aim to the right shoulder. I looked into the room and my mouth instantly dropped.

“Nick.....oh god, Nick.”

Chapter 34

Blinking twice, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I rubbed them, trying to focus on the form standing in the middle of the room, smiling at me, arms outstretched.

“Nick?”

“Bri?”

The person rushed up to me and enveloped my body in a tight hug. Memories flooded my mind and filled my heart as we held each other, neither one of us saying a word. The feelings of security came to me as I felt the familiarity of Brian’s hug, the smell of his clothes, even the lop sided grin he gave me when we pulled apart.

“How come you’re here?” I asked quitely.

“Because I knew you needed me, come over and sit down with me,” Brian replied as he walked towards the couch that was situated against a wall.

I stared at the rug, not certain if I could control the tears that I knew were threatening to fall.

“Nick? Come and sit down,” Brian calmly requested.

Dammit, the tears were starting to slip down my face, god why was I so weak? I quickly wiped them away with the heel of my palm.

After I sat down, Brian’s eyes locked onto mine and he didn’t say anything to me at first, he just held his gaze on my face, it was like a battle of wills, neither one wanting to look away from the other.

Finally, Brian sighed softly. “I know why you’re here and I know that for some reason you’ve felt guilty about me getting sick.”

I looked away from my best friend and stood up to walk over to the picture window. Something inside of me stopped me from walking over there and I sat back down again. “I.. I don’t know why, but I.. I felt guilty about my feelings.”

“Guilty? Nick why would you feel guilty, this is something that you couldn’t stop,” Brian replied. “It was an accident, you didn’t mean to hit me with your car--”

“No, it wasn’t about the car accident, although I do feel guilty about almost killing you, Kevin made sure of that, but it’s just, oh I dunno..”

My voice trailed off as it waivered, the strength losing towards the end of the sentence and my voice squeaked out at that point.

“Aww, Nick. It’s about the cancer?”

I couldn’t speak, I just shook my head up and down.

“Nicky, that is something neither one of us could control, ever. Not you, not Kevin no one. I don’t know why you would be feeling guilty about the cancer.”

Brian was more effective in this counselling than any of those doctors with the phd’s ever were. He was cracking into why I was feeling the way I was, it was as if a light got switched on in my brain.

I sucked a deep breath in before I spoke my thoughts outloud.

“I think I felt like you were abandoning me, and I started to hate myself with the feelings I was feeling. I was being so damned self centered and I couldn’t control it. I was losing my best friend and I was feeling like you were leaving me intentionally.”

“Oh Nick, you know I would never, ever do that to you. You aren’t self centered.”

“Yes I was. I was mad at you. You promised me when BSB started up that you would always be there for me, no matter what you would always be around and then when you got the cancer, I freaked out and I guess I didn’t handle it very well and I’m sorry.”

Brian wrapped his arms around me. “Nick, you have nothing to feel sorry for. That is a natural human emotion. I was dealing with anger myself, I was angry at God. I now realize that this was all a test, and I think we’ve passed it.”

I pulled away from him and looked at his red rimmed eyes. “How have we passed this?”

“Well, we’re still here aren’t we? And we’re still breathing, right?”

I nodded slightly, unsure what direction Brian was heading with this.

“And I’ve been declared in remission, so I think I’ve got this cancer beat for now,” Brian smiled.

“Remission?”

“I guess you could say that the cancer is sleeping. It’s still hanging around inside my body, but who knows, it may never come back again, we have to pray that it stays asleep.”

I watched as Brian slowly stood up. He looked a little thinner, but his face still glowed, a slight trace of a bruise on his cheek had faded to a slight yellow coloring.

“So how are you, I mean, are you tired all the time? Sick?”

“Oh, I still tire easily, but that is getting better each day. The chemo effected my memory so I still can’t be left alone, I forget stupid little things like leaving the water running in the sink and a burner on the stove or a door open, but each day is getting better, I think,” Brian listed and then broke into a broad grin. “How would I know since I keep forgetting things? I look at it this way Nick, the glass is half full and every day is a new opportunity to build lasting friendships and relationships with the people you love. My short term memory is gone, so heck, every day is a new day for me. The docs promise that it can improve and I’m counting on it.”

God, how could anyone ever look at the things that were handed down to him unfairly and shine through it all? Brian was an example of someone that’s perfect. No one could ever change my mind. It was made up.

“Follow me, I’m gonna check myself out of this nuthouse,” I declared.

“Um, is that such a good idea, you’ve only been here one day,” Brian protested quietly.

“Yeah, but all it took was you Brian, you helped me through this,” I replied with a hug. “Thank god for you!”

Brian smiled. “Okay, that’s probably the closest I’ve ever heard you get towards God. This is something I can work on next.”

I grinned as I messed up Brian’s hair. “You keep thinking that thought, my short friend.”

Epilogue

One big happy family.

I guess that's the best way I can describe the two years since Brian got sick and nearly died. I used to take little things in life for granted but watching Brian and how he handles and copes with the things in his life made me realize that every minute of every day is a gift.

Brian's short term memory has improved to the point where he is near 100%. He will never be 100% but he's definately not like he was a year and a half ago.

The cancer is still "sleeping" as Brian likes to term it. I would be freaking out knowing there was something still inside my body that could take it's hold on me and turn my life around in an instant. I guess that's why I realized life is too short for pettiness. Brian could be gone from me tomorrow.

Okay, I'm NEVER, EVER thinking that thought again.

He will be around. He has to be the best man at my wedding. He has to be the one who will watch my bratty kids when I have them.

I think Brian's taken on the biggest challenge of his life. What's that you ask? You're probably thinking day to day living with a life threatening disease. Nope, not even close. Brian is trying to teach me about God, prayer and that stuff he calls scripture. I'm still not very clear on that, but with Brian, I'm sure he will crack my empty shell of a brain and fill it with something good for a change instead of Spider Man comics.

I love Brian. He is my best friend and my brother. We will be together forever, no matter what life throws at us. We've survived his altered mental state when the cancer was taking over, Brian's a survivor. Hell, we're all survivors.

The End

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