Lost Without You
By: Jenna
The diagnosis from the doctor kept ringing in Brian's head. He was still
dumbfounded and in shock. Something that started out being a small symptom blew
into this.
Brian hesitated before he asked a question he dreaded asking. "So, how
long before anyone can tell something's wrong with me?"
Leaning back into his seat, the doctor sighed. "Something like this, it's
hard to say, we could be talking days, weeks, months or even years, I have no
idea, every case is different."
The doctor leaned forward and wrote a prescription slip out. As he was handing
it to Brian, he spoke again. "I'm sorry, I wish there was something more I
can say or do for you. Take these as needed for pain. Call me if you need
anything else."
Brian looked down at the script the doctor handed to him. He wanted so badly to
wad it into a ball and throw it back at the doctor and scream, "This isn't
gonna happen." He reluctantly stood up and left the office.
As Brian walked out of the office and down the steps outdoors, he had to catch
himself from falling. After he made it to his vehicle, Brian started it up and
headed towards the recording studio.
Brian was greeted in the doorway of the studio by Nick. Patting him on the
back, Nick asked Brian where he had been, that they had been getting worried
about him.
"I told you I had an appointment this morning, I guess it ran a little bit
late, sorry." Brian apologized.
"It's okay, Bri, it's just that you had your cell phone turned off and you
weren't answering your pages and we were getting a little worried."
Brian noticed his hands were shaking, he quickly put them behind his back,
hoping no one noticed it. He followed Nick down the hall into the sound studio.
Nick held the door open and motioned for Brian to enter before he did.
The rest of the guys were already sitting in the room. AJ was drinking coffee
looking at sheet music with Kevin. Howie was in the corner on his cell phone.
Brian felt heavy-hearted. For the first time in his life, he felt all alone. He
wanted desperately to tell someone about the diagnosis, but then again, he
wanted to avoid telling anyone for fear he would be treated differently and he
couldn't handle that.
Nick brought some sheet music to Brian. "this is the part we're waiting on
you to record to get this CD going."
Looking the music over, Brian nodded. He had sung that song millions of times,
it would be an easy ballad, nothing he would have to practice.
The intercom to the studio clicked on. Shane, the audio technician spoke into
the microphone. "Anytime you're ready, Brian, just let us know."
Brian nodded, putting on the head phones and told the audio tech to que up the
music.
As Brian sang, Nick sat and watched. He kept thinking to himself how he had
never heard Brian's voice with such clarity and perfection as he sang at that
very moment. He smiled at Brian.
When Brian's portion of the song was over, Shane confirmed that it was a good
take and did a play back into the room. Nick took the sheet music for the next
part over to Brian to read. It was the chorus of the song. Brian was thinking
to himself it was odd that they had the entire group together to record this,
they usually would do it individually and then blend the voices together for
the final take.
"Nick, why are we all here again? I thought we usually did this by
ourselves." Brian asked.
Nick clamped a hand on Brian's shoulder. "Because they want to have a
photo shoot at the studio and they also want to record a documentary of us
recording and this was the day that worked out for all of us with our
scheduleds."
The morning was filled with each of them being recorded for their parts in the
album, song for song. Brian escaped most of it by sleeping in a chair in the
corner of the studio. He was exhausted. After the last take, he excused himself
and left the room stating he was going to use his cell phone and take a
breather.
"Hey, Nick, do you still have that schedule on you for March?" Howie
asked.
Nick looked into his planner. "Um, yeah, but it's out in my car. Let me go
get it." Nick closed his planner and walked towards the door. "I'll
be back in a minute."
Nick walked out into the hall and found Brian, sitting on a couch, holding his
head in his hands.
Nick approached Brian. "Hey buddy, are you okay?"
Brian kept his head down. The pain was excruciating.
"No." Brian mumbled, barely audible.
"Headache?" Nick asked.
"Uh-huh." Brian answered, quietly. Brian was silently cursing himself
for not getting the prescription filled.
"Can I get you anything? Is there something I can do?" Nick asked,
anxiously.
Brian slowly shook his head back and forth. It killed him to do that, but it
would hurt worse talking.
Concerned, Nick squatted down in front of his friend. "Brian, are you sure
you're okay? This seems like something worse than just a plain headache."
"It's probably a migraine." Brian lied.
"Do you have anything for it, Brian?" Nick was getting concerned. He
could tell that Brian was in a great amount of pain.
"I have a script the doctor gave me today but I didn't get it filled
yet." Brian quietly replied, still cradling his head in his hands.
"Do you have it on you?" Nick asked.
"It's on the front seat." Brian mumbled. He was starting to feel sick
to his stomach.
Nick stood up. "I'm gonna have it filled right now, give me your
keys."
As Brian stood up to give Nick his keys, he took a faltering step backwards and
landed back onto the couch.
"Whoa, Brian, are you alright?" Nick asked, touching Brian's
shoulder.
Nick couldn't Brian's reply and asked him to repeat it. Clearing his throat,
Brian simply said, "Yes."
Again, Brian stood up to give Nick his keys and again he took a faltering step
backwards and landed onto the couch.
"Alright, now I'm worried, Brian, something's going wrong here." Nick
stated, a concerned tone in his voice.
Brian tried to brush the remark off. When he spoke again, the words Brian was
thinking of saying were not the words that came out of his mouth. "Play it
on here."
Nick spun around and looked at Brian. "What did you say?"
Brian cleared his throat. He tried to say 'nothing's wrong, I'm fine.' The
words that came out of his mouth this time were garbled and didn't sound like
words at all.
Nick instantly felt sick to his stomach. The first thought that ran through his
head was that Brian was having a stroke. He looked at Brian's face hoping it
would clue him in on what was happening. Nick shouted at the top of his lungs
to get someone's attention. He spotted a payphone at the end of the hall and
sprinted towards it. He dialed 911 and requested an ambulance to come.
Nick ran back to Brian. "An ambulance is on the way, hang in there,
buddy."
*~*~*~*
Nick pulled into the hospital parking lot. He and the guys rode together after
the ambulance took Brian away.
Walking into Brian's private hospital room, they found him laying in bed,
sleeping. Brian woke up when he heard Howie bump into the chair that was
situated by the bed.
"Hey Bri, how are you?" Nick asked.
Brian managed a slight smile back at Nick but didn't answer him right away.
Sorting out what he was going to say before he opened his mouth, Brian cleared
his throat and attempted to form his words.
"Good." The word came out quietly, toneless.
"You had me worried, boy." AJ stated. "So what's wrong with you
anyway? They wouldn't tell us when we asked them."
Brian knew what was wrong, but his reply was a shrug of his shoulders.
After Brian and the guys managed to banter back and forth, making jokes and
cutting remarks, Kevin stood up and announced that they should leave so that
Brian could get his rest.
"See you tomorrow, buddy." Nick said as he rubbed Brian's left
shoulder.
Brian smiled. "Thanks for coming, guys, maybe I will be let out of here
tomorrow."
*~*~*~*~
Nick headed down the hall to room 429, Brian's room. He had a few magazines and
a package of Brian's favorite cookies tucked under his arm. Nick walked into
the doorway of the room and stopped suddenly. Instead of finding Brian laying
in the bed, Nick found a room that was empty, clean and waiting for a patient
to arrive.
Turning around Nick walked up to the nurses station. He smiled at a red-headed
nurse working behind the counter. She looked up and nervously returned Nick's
smile.
"I need to find out what room you took Brian Littrell to, please."
The red headed nurse mumbled something under her breath. She stood up and
pointed at Nick. "Wait right here."
The young nurse brought back a woman that appeared to be her supervisor. She
walked up to Nick and quietly requested he follow her.
Instead of taking Nick into Brian's room, she took him into a small room that
had two chairs and a coffee table in the middle with a box of kleenex. She
gestured for Nick to take a seat, but he chose to stand.
"So, um, where did y'all move Brian?" Nick shifted, nervous.
"I'm sorry, I thought you knew." The woman started out.
"Knew? About what?" Nick asked innocently.
The woman looked away from Nick as she started to speak. "I'm afraid that
Mr. Littrell was discharged."
"Dishcharged? Oh, I guess I didn't know. Did his family pick him up?"
Nick replied.
The nurse finally looked Nick in the eyes. "No, what I'm trying to tell
you is that Mr. Littrell didn't make it through the night, we lost him."
The nurse finally looked at Nick's face to see if he was comprehending what she
was trying to tell him. His eyes shifted back and forth quickly as the words
were sinking in. His face grew pale and his knees gave out causing him to fall
back against the wall, the magazines he brought for Brian fell to the floor.
The nurse guided Nick to the chair and eased him into the seat. After a few
moments, Nick looked up at the nurse, his face stained with tears.
"But how? He was fine when we left him." Nick asked.
"You really don't know, do you?" The nurse replied.
"Know what?" Nick managed to ask.
The nurse sighed. "I shouldn't be telling you any of this, but I've
already said more than I should. Brian was terminally ill, you didn't know, did
you?"
"Terminally ill? What do you mean by that?" Stunned, Nick tried to
grasp the words.
"Brian had an inoperable brain tumor. I thought you would have
known." The nurse stated quietly.
Nick shook his head. "Do you know how long Brian knew about this?"
"I'm sure he had the symptoms for about a year, but he just got the final
diagnosis the other day, actually the day before he passed away. I'm so
sorry." The nurse said as she touched Nick's hand.
Thanking the nurse, Nick realized he had the grim task of letting the guys know
about Brian. The drive over to the studio was the longest trip Nick felt he had
ever made in his life.
Pulling into the parking lot, Nick pulled up next to Brian's car, which was
left just where Brian parked it. Getting out of his car, Nick walked over to
Brian's vehicle and touched it. He looked into the driver's side window and saw
the prescription slip that Brian had mentioned the other day, still laying on
the seat, face down. A jacket was laying over the back of the front seat,
waiting for Brian to put it on.
Nick felt the tears well up in his eyes. 'God, how am I going to tell them
this?' Nick wondered to himself. Taking a deep breath, he walked into the
office, the conversation he and Brian had that other morning going through his
mind.
He stood for a long time outside the sound room door. Sighing heavily, Nick
pushed the door open. As irony would have it, they were replaying a soundtrack
that Brian had cut yesterday before it happened. It was the last song Brian
would ever sing. Nick could hear Brian taking in breaths in the song, symbolic
of living. Nick closed his eyes tightly. How he wished this weren't true. How
much he was going to miss Brian.
The End
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